ollie I think this is beyond my comprehension, and worldview. I thought I had a good idea of where some posters came from on the angle of feminism, but then again, I was also brought up differently too, and I see there as another mini gender revolution now happening in my generation alone. i.e. within the past 10 or so years ? LGB and Transgender.
All I can say to the OP is that, hold onto the dream. If you want a woman that can be your wife and as well as the mother of your children, then this is not abnormal or hard to achieve. Stick to your gun. The way you wrote what you did before made me wondered about this because it came across as somewhat odd. Why does the two need to be distinguished so differently? I do wonder if your current situation allows you to begin this kind of differentiation and separation of the idea in your own mind. This is why I encourage you to seek counselling, address your own worldview again, and aim for a divorce. Cos sometimes a situation can turn you into somebody else that you do not wish to be. Psychologically. You wrote that she is a good mother but she is a bad wife. You compartmentalised her as a person. I wondered about this.
As my brother in law says to me sometimes, (and yes, we are full grown adults), "sometimes you got to self preserve" meaning that, you do have to perserve your identity and you as a person. Because this world, and I shall guarantee you that it can be chaotic. He was raised as a Catholic even though he did not believe in everything, but he has a worldview and a set of core values. I am also the same too. Just differently. You need to remember this regardless of what happens sociologically and also politically.
When Offred go on and on about "cognitive dissonance", this is what she meant. You are born and see the world a certain way, but sometimes your experience in life will change and affect you as a person. There is also a Chinese term as well when this happens. It is said that your soul has left your body. You split into two. What you think inside of your heart does not match that of what you see in the world and you start to disconnect.
I am also a woman, I was raised here in Britain, and I also thought that homosexuality was by birth, but then when I worked in US companies, I was often called a "lesbian" because I worked in IT (which is a male dominated industry), and I was not married, and I was kind of a bit aggressive sometimes. I remember going home crying when I received such labels. This hurtful feeling is my cognitive dissonance. By British terms, I was losing my self respect as a woman. I should hit back or comment back, but that is the culture over there. I accept it as a "culture", but really I was very hurt by their comment actually.
I hope you have enough information to make the right decisions for yourself. Cos if something makes sense and it feels peaceful, and no drama or tug-o-war or frustration inside of you. Then this is cognitively correct, or whatever the term is. I would say that, well done for coming out with that comment, and it definitely does not reflect on you as a man.
I need to get off this thread, because I feel like I am also going to get some kind of PTSD.... Sometimes I cannot believe some of the things I read on MN. I actually do not necessarily wish to deal with it. I am starting to get a headache?
On a different note, there is a difference in sexual peaks between genders at different ages. Hence why some ladies here commented that it was a cognitive dissonance, but in some level, it was also because of the realisation of the discovery of their peaks later on in life. This is also why some ladies mentioned that you should go slow on a girl who is younger, because her sexual peak differs to a guy's. The hormone levels also differ as well. That I do know. That is all from me, because I cannot deal with the rest about gender manipulation and sexual manipulation and all the rest of it.