Not had sex for almost two years

[Olliedelondon]

I very much love my DW. Before we had our two children, we had a reasonable sex life, although I would always initiate. But since our children we have had very little sex (once every four months maybe) and nothing at all for now almost two years. My DW says that I am unreasonable in my 'needs' and that I should focus all my attentions on looking after the children. But I think it's destroying our marriage and I'm not prepared to sacrifice a sex life and frankly don't see why I should. I also don't think she fancies me. At all. Am I unreasonable? What should I do? I have 'got by' by using pornography in secret. I have also started fantasising about attractive colleagues, although I have never had an affair. The sexual frustration I feel is almost painful...Help?

And op if you do decide to separate make absolutely sure that you put your dcs needs above all else.

Even if your dw becomes unreasonable do not under any circumstances stoop to that level.

Think only about their needs and desires it will help you get through it.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

It's not really about being a SAHP necessarily or about 'sex' which often only refers to PIV with male orgasm as a result. In the direct reverse comparison it wouldn't be 'sex' but particularly the male giving the female an orgasm that was being required and the male partner would need to have gone through a difficult surgery 9 months ago and 2.5 years ago. Some of the restrictions on comparison are biological but some are socially constructed gender roles.

It's about equality and respect. The op's posts at the start were quite disrespectful to his wife, subsequent posts make clear he's probably resentful and a bit unkind about her because he is frustrated rather than genuinely a bit disrespectful as a husband.

Either way this stalemate can't continue and there are ways to protect his relationship with his dc but if they split but he will need to make concessions to his working hours I think in order to really confirm that he is a presence in their lives they can't do without.

It's common for that to be a contributing reason for a split I think since workaholic or traditional men often believe their contribution begins and ends with money. They then complain when having been largely absent from their dc lives they are not supported by the court to disrupt the dc's usual care set up just because the relationship with the mother has ended. They just don't understand that they need to have put the time in before the split otherwise the changes will cause further stress for the children. It depresses me that it takes splitting up for many men to realise they have a responsibility to spend time with their dc and that for many women they feel they have to split up in order to gain autonomy. It's unnecessary.

Anyway, ramble ramble now.

"Unsurprisingly those who shun this advice have a dire sex life, and continue to moan about it whilst insisting that the advice we know to be true, won't work for them."

That certainly sounded like you were very sure of things. Your advice isn't true for me. But what you're saying now isn't quite as emphatic.

I find it interesting that people make so many assumptions too rather than reading the words that on the page

Are you including 22 honey in that Bertha because like Susan says shes the one refusing to read posts from someone in the same position.

A lot of posters on here are not listening to women who have been in the same position, lets here what the advice is then from a man who is or has been in the same position.

EXACTLY susan and I think the reason for this is because it challenges their belief system about women and sex.

Oh and im sorry if it did turn into a bunfight but I object to being gaslighted And that's certainly the way it felt last night.

Grt posts Offred.

Anyway OP im sorry about the fighting on your thread but these myths and assumptions about women and sex are part of the problem that cause women to feel a bit inhibited in the bedroom.

So that's why its VERY relevant.

Thanks.
ThePriory
I certainly do not respect my wife. As I have said she’s a great mother and I love her. I have often said to her that I consider her job much harder than mine. I certainly wouldn’t change places. I don’t want praise from her, but I would like her to respect that I do contribute “something” to our family life, even if, in her estimation, I’m only a bit part player. But, honestly, the way she talks to me, you’d think I spent my life with my feet up watching TV. So, I respectfully don’t agree that “It's not sex that's missing, it's love, respect and equality in your relationship.”
whatsthatcomingoverthehill

I certainly agree that “using porn to 'get by'… is certainly no substitute”. But it helps. A bit. Also, I really do need porn and wouldn’t think of doing it without (why would you?).
Simplesusan
We married before children. We also had sex before our marriage (she was a virgin), albeit always initiated by me. As I said before, our sex life used to be reasonable, although, as I said, she never would prompt it and frankly, we would never had had sex unless I had got things going. Really, once we have children, sex has stopped. Almost entirely. Apart from conceiving (which, we were lucky, was a one shot go, both times). In the last 4 years, we have had sex probably 10 times (I have counted).
Offred
When I talk about 'sex', I don’t just include PIV. I would be happy with anything! Or even just a kiss/snog…
BigBoobiedBertha
I certainly am taking on board whatever everyone is saying and thanks for all your comments.

"Also, I really do need porn and wouldn’t think of doing it without (why would you?)"

Ummm....I think you're very much on dodgy ground there I'm afraid. Reasons I can think why you wouldn't:

• Can't you just use your imagination?
• Messes with your head over what 'normal' sex is, particularly as it is generally designed for men.
• If you use it too much, you begin to rely on it to turn you on, which can then cause problems in 'real' sex.
• There is potential to develop more of an interest in the extreme side of things, which a partner might not reciprocate, leaving you feeling like something is lacking in your normal sex life.
• A lot of pornography is exploitative.

Darkestyes - I am including everybody in the assumptions things. As I said I might even have done it myself although I try very hard not to.

Other people in a similar situation are always interesting to listen to and might have a great insight but the danger is that they expect the OP's situation to be the same as theirs and sometimes they don't understand that just because on the surface it appears similar, it doesn't necessarily follow that it is.

It is part of the assumptions thing really. I seem to be noticing it a lot at the moment on MN. There seem to be a lot of people saying that isn't how it is for me without actually considering that somebody else might feel differently. I don't why I have noticed it but it is making me a bit about some some posts.

I could share my story. I haven't because this is not about me and I am not sure it is relevant. Probably it colours my thinking but I am trying very hard to keep an open mind.

Fair enough Bertha.

OP if you are into erotica OP may I suggest the Black Lace books. There is no exploitation involved because it is simply words on a page. The scenes are very descriptive They have some great authors writing for them. And although it is erotica written by women for women many men enjoy these books too.
And the descriptions of the womens pleasure are very detailed. Whereas a lot of porn is aimed at men and just show the in/out in/out scenario which does NOTHING for many women.

It's not the porn, it's the fact you feel you have to hide it. If you're both ok with it, go for it. But, she needs to understand you have needs too. If she isn't willing to work with you on this, can you guys have an open relationship? She can't just have her cake and eat it too.

Have you tried asking her why she doesn't want to have sex? Children isn't a good reason, you can get away for a few minutes to play. Is she nervous about getting pregnant again? Does it hurt? Does she have a hard time climaxing? Does she have a kink/position she wants to try? What makes her too stressed to be in the mood and what can you do? Is being surprised by advances stressful for her, and would scheduling it help? All good questions to ask her. I'd really try to have an honest conversation with her, and see if you can compromise. If it's about work, maybe you can do dishes for her and she can at least start with some cuddling and kissing with you in evenings. And sometimes, a massage after a long day watching the kids can lead to something more.

When me and my husband were going through a rough patch, we went on dates again. We also had long talks about what we wanted out of a relationship, and what each other wanted. What helped us was having a few hobbies so it wasn't just work and home for us.

princess it takes a lot of women more than a few minutes to "warm up" let alone reach orgasm

BigBoobiedBertha - if you want to share your story, you should do so...

PrincessBabyCat - so far as I know, she has no physical issues with sex. I have historically asked her loads of times regarding "kink/position", but she says she can't think of anything. I think, as I have said, that her view is that she gives her all to the children/house etc. and that she can't then re-set her mind to the bedroom. You're right, I shouldn't hide the porn, but when we can't talk about the big stuff, I sort of think it's not at the top of my topic list...

I have resisted adding this, but when we once went to New Zealand (she's a Kiwi), we got very drunk with her best friend from school. They were very touchy feely and whilst I was there she insisted on, if not snogging, kissing very frequently her friend, who reciprocated happily. When I challenged her on it the next day, she seemed to imply that she had done it for me, but I didn't buy that as she is not that sort of person (i.e. PDAs of any sort). I do worry that maybe it's not me, but my sex! Of course, I could be completely wrong and I don't want to come across as one of those blokes that thinks all women are lesbians that don't fancy them. However, I do recall looking at her Facebook photos and there were tonnes of photos of her and this friend hugging, kissing on the check, being very close from visits to NZ and when she has visited the UK. It's probably nothing and probably shouldn't have shared...however, it does trouble me and adds to my resentment (i.e. that she gives her old school friend 100% more affection than her husband...

I think it's a long way beyond that princess.

Whatsthat covered the porn thing. Mainstream porn tends to be very sexist and objectifies women terribly. I'm always suspicious of adult men who watch or believe they need to watch porn to masturbate.

Xpost.

Do you not view what she did as cheating?

With this new info it does seem as though she may be a lesbian.

Facepalm

Do you think she is a lesbian then or is it just an intense friendship which is fulfilling her needs for a close relationship, at your expense, rather than being a sexual/romantic thing? A sort of emotional affair if you like?

Has her friend come out or has she had boyfriends?

I understand your unease though and also your reticence at mentioning it. It was bound to be misconstrued, especially at the beginning of the thread.

Not necessarily Bertha Cant help wondering (especially after the way this thread has gone) that if it was a female OP she would be accused of drip feeding.

Maybe so.

Like I say, I do understand why he didn't mention it because there would have been accusations.

Also if this woman is in NZ the relationship is not an immediate threat, so to speak. Perhaps some of the questions, like 'is your wife affectionate to anybody' which was only recently asked, have made him think that the impact has been greater than he thought. He knows his wife isn't affectionate with him but maybe he hadn't thought that there could be somebody else because there isn't, not directly, she is thousands of miles away most of the time.

I am inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt. Best not to judge without a bit more info. Plus the problem with this sort of forum is that there isn't the time or the space to go over every tiny little detail. You can only give a snap shot or you would be writing reams every time.

Yes but equally if you are used to porn images of lesbian sex you may be more inclined to minimise things as 'for men'...

Offred Be fair. I like to see your response to this. I know that you are indeed older than I and your experiences is set against a set period of time. But I am also in my mid-30s too, and I am also getting hassled by some bisexual 20 something years old now. So I do know what it can be like.

Ollie If you do not mind my asking, how old are you ?

The way I see it is that, if ou do not trust your partner and he or she has done something either very hedonistic and against his or her own personality, then it is not your responsibility to tow them back into line. You can comment on it, and ask them for answers. Just like other mums here who would ask their partners to help them out.

What we were concerned as females on this forum was that, we did not want a woman to be having sex against her will. There. I said it. but if your partner is still in that "exploration" phase of her own sexuality and is very hedonistic, then you guys have to SERIOUSLY sit down, and OPENLY talk about this. To be honest, this kind of sexual identity issue is not something I know or want to get involved in. I know what it means to be female and sexual expressive, but that is something I have nurtured from my own life experiences. The question is whether your partner realises the journey that she took herself onto, and if she had let go of her earlier exploration or if she does indeed actually still pine for this and actually want and desire this. If so, then she should do the right thing and divorce you to be honest.

You should encourage her to go ahead with counselling, and then see if she can get somewhere, but if not, then she should indeed separate with you. You also need to go for counselling also and get to a good understanding of how you view female and male relationships. Cos at the moment, it seems to me that you are using porn as an anchor for a missing piece of your life.

I don't understand your post Maisie.

I meant sexual identity counselling. Not marriage counselling. It is a different kettle of fish.

And no Ollie, not all women are lesbians. I cannot say to you why some people are lesbians and some not. I have my own worldview on that too, but I do know one thing. If you are certain of your own identity, and so forth, then you should not worry at all. Be brave and find somebody who you actually can match up to, and "is" ready and developed in a similar way to yourself.

Maybe your wife's childhood upbringing is different, and therefore she identifies herself with what she had learnt of the world. I also identity with empathy a lot, and see and embrace people as if they can be an extension of my extended family, but I withhold those kind of feelings, and that was because I was raised in SE Asia in a different way than the British individualistic way. (FYI, I get a lot of 20-something bisexual who wants empathy contacting me online, and I see them as younger sister or brother, but to them, they see themselves as individuals and as an adult. So times have indeed changed an awful lot. I also do not play this kind of game because it is misleading, and their intent differs to mine.)

You really need to sit and think and maybe talk this through with somebody. The ladies on this thread were concerned for your wife as if she is not a lesbian but if you do detect that she is, or that she has not come out yet, then you should indeed encourage that, and save yourself also from the broken heart too. Experiences like this will and shall affect you as a person also too.

Sorry I missed the bit where he said he used lesbian porn.