Not had sex for almost two years

[Olliedelondon]

I very much love my DW. Before we had our two children, we had a reasonable sex life, although I would always initiate. But since our children we have had very little sex (once every four months maybe) and nothing at all for now almost two years. My DW says that I am unreasonable in my 'needs' and that I should focus all my attentions on looking after the children. But I think it's destroying our marriage and I'm not prepared to sacrifice a sex life and frankly don't see why I should. I also don't think she fancies me. At all. Am I unreasonable? What should I do? I have 'got by' by using pornography in secret. I have also started fantasising about attractive colleagues, although I have never had an affair. The sexual frustration I feel is almost painful...Help?

Why doesn't it though. He does not need porn to wank so why is he using porn?

Offred - I don't agree that accusations of a bunfight have anything to do with not agreeing to the main point. Things were starting to get personal and had very little to do with the topic in hand, i.e. the OP. There was a lot of crap about who knows best. If it had been blokes arguing like this I would have said it was a pissing competition actually.

I find it interesting that people make so many assumptions too rather than reading the words that on the page.

• making assumptions about the business, what it entails and how it was all his idea (he just said he does the work which doesn't mean that it wasn't agreed between them that this would be the way to go), assuming that they never speak to each other about anything, that they didn't discuss what they wanted to from marriage at the beginning, assuming that she didn't believe in sex before marriage (he said it took 2 weeks to consummate the marriage, not that they had never had sex before the wedding), assuming all sorts of things about the birth of their DC and what looking after 2 children entails (they might both sleep through and be no trouble at all). I am sure I can go on and I have probably made some assumptions myself although I have tried very hard not to.

The OP has been criticised for the way he has phrased things as well and although he started off clearly frustrated with the situation and his wife, his tone has changed once he has had the chance to get things off his chest. I think he is probably taking on board more than some people give him credit for.

Just to be clear I have said all along to try and open lines of communications and get some counselling. I am coming to the conclusion that counselling is becoming their only option, preferably together but individually too because his wife is not engaging at all.

Now I would even go as far as to say that it is getting to the point that he could say either come to counselling or split up because this could drag on indefinitely with both of them getting more and more miserable and resentful.

Anti-feminist agenda?! FFS. This is about 2 people in a relationship that is struggling. Who on earth is thinking about feminist agendas?! That is probably what is wrong with this - people having hidden agendas and making assumptions based on those agendas.

I don't think the OP is all to blame, I don't think his wife is all to blame. I do think the OP spoke out of frustration when he blamed his wife because he thinks he has tried the best he can and therefore, logically who else is to blame other than his wife. That isn't to say he has done everything he can but in the end he started this thread because he can't think what else to do. He took the time to come and try and get ideas and as I say, I believe his tone has changed. You can believe that is all an act but what would be the point of that unless this whole thread was a great big sham and I don't think it is is it?

I don't think it's an act... I agree, he had an unhelpful but as it transpires perhaps understandable attitude to start with. It's the other posters who want to censor people talking about sexism and promote sexist ideas like all men are liars and cheats and women don't like sex I was saying have an anti-feminist agenda.

Unhelpful attitude that is.

Big sorry if I misunderstand.

Did the op marry his dw AFTER or BEFORE their 9 month old dc was born?

This is relevant.

If, as you are saying they got married afterwards, then why the fuck is he complaining?.....

Seriously?

If as I was lead to believe he has had sex with different women and found it good, but his wife was a virgin then why did he marry her?

Why didn't they haves sex before marriage?

The op has said it is not down to religious reasons so what is the reason?

Offered- again the voice of reason.

Fwiw if a man came on here saying he was in the exact same position as the ops wife, my advice would be the same.

Is there anyone (male) out there who has been in the exact same position as the op's wife,who can give the op advice?

Personally I don't know one single instance where this is the case and I know lots and lots of people.
R

"Why doesn't it though. He does not need porn to wank so why is he using porn?"

Because it helps turn him on, and makes wanking more enjoyable? Would you say the same about erotica, or even just thinking about fantasies? Just because something may not technically be 'needed' in a perfunctory sense doesn't mean that its use isn't more enjoyable. A woman may not need a vibrator to get herself off, yet it may give her more pleasure to use one.

I'm not here to defend porn (and I certainly do think there are dangers to relationships and people's sex life as a result of overuse, let alone the moral aspects of exploitation etc) but I think you are stretching with your conclusions.

Op can I ask a question is your dw affectionate towards the dcs?

Is she affectionate towards her close friends and family?
I know a lot of her family live abroad but if she were to meet a good friend, what is her body language like.

Would she embrace them, hug them, kiss them, show any signs of affection?

Does she tell the dcs she loves them, without any prompting? Does she tell her family she loves them?

Well that's really my point, he's been filling the wife shaped hole with porn.

Simplesusan, what do you mean exactly the same position? Being a virgin when married, or a SAHP?

Sorry Offred, I don't get your point.

I mean exactly the same position.

A virgin when they met dw never orgasiming with dw, looking after young dcs whilst their wife works long hours and entertains clients. Doing the household chores not being interested in sex with their wife.

Exactly the same as the ops wife.

A lot of posters on here are not listening to women who have been in the same position, lets here what the advice is then from a man who is or has been in the same position.

Simplesusan - there are men on this thread who have been in this position and we have already commented on the thread, offered advice and possibly (because I can't speak for them) sent the OP private messages.

We've not even resorted to telling other posters that they know fuck all about it because they aren't a man in a relationship with a total lack of intimacy whose wife refuses to talk about it.

Are you claiming to be a man who has never orgasmed with his wife during sex then not new and that you are the full time carer( or have been
) to two young dcs whilst your dw works 60 hours a week and that you do the household chores etc and are in exactly the same position as the ops wife?

Is this what you are saying or are you in a similar position to the op? Which is entirely different?

And yes just to reintegrate I will not stand to be given advice about motherhood and the soul destroying effects it can have , by anyone who is not a mother.

I will also not stand to be told that I am disgusting by anyone either without having a say back.

If you think I was harsh then you are a fool.

I will also not stand to be told what a healthy female sex life is by a vey naive woman who has made money by fucking other women's husbands.

Well that's a rather specific set of criteria, so it's hardly surprising you don't know any men like that. I don't know any women in that position either. You are projecting in assuming that people are/were in the same position as the OPs DW because we don't know what's going through her head.

That's a lot of stands you're making there.

Take your issues with 22honey to private message, or start another thread, because you are being distinctly unhelpful on this one.

It's very specific because the accusation is that this poster is being treated differently than women who post in a similar position do because he's a man. Think Susan is trying to show that it isn't comparable because men and women's roles and sex lives are still significantly shaped by sexism and so it is nigh on impossible to make the reverse comparison.

Some of the posters were trying to imply this is quite normal because women just don't like sex but want to fulfil their 'biological need' for children and that all men will cheat and lie if you don't put out when you don't feel like it. Think we're trying to argue it's damaging stereotyping which is a. Untrue and b. unhelpful to the op (and his wife)

My point is he's using porn to replace some of the intimacy he has lost with his wife. You seem to be saying the same.

It isn't surprising at all.

Posters come on here including the prostitute who dares to call me disgusting! And say how it' s no big deal for someone to be caring for2 young dcs, cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing, cleaning up sick, shit and vomit ,day in and day out.yet where are all the men who do this joyful thankless task?

Where are they oh they don't exist.

It'S such a great life isn't it that millions of men are rushing to do it.

When this is pointed out to the op- by women who have been there -as a possible reason for the wife's shut down, they are instantly jumped upon saying no that isn't true, it can't be a possible reason as to why she has withdrawn.

Yet I know for a fact it was one of the reasons that led to the end of my marriage and was a significant factor within the breakdown of several of my very close friends marriage.

Choose not to listen because it isn't what you want to hear.

And to reiterate being a mother can be very rewarding nobody is disputing that but to claim that sahp have it all and be told by someone who has never been a sago that I am talking bollocks makes my blood boil.

Offered again the intelligent voice.

After reading a lot of these posts I'm so not surprised that posters have crap sex lives.

Who would find a man desirable with these attitudes

My sex life is great btw., but continue not to take advice from a woman who actually has been there. I'm not going to say too much as I don't want to out myself but yes it is quite common for a woman to be in the same position as the ops wife.

Simplesusan - Assumptions again. The OP said they didn't consummate their marriage for two weeks after the wedding not that they hadn't had sex before they got married. We don't know if they did or not.

And why can't somebody be a virgin on the wedding night? What has that got to do with anything? It used to be pretty normal, although admittedly less so now. If she was a virgin on their wedding night is that a reason for not marrying her?

Why are you blaming the wife for her inexperience and the OP for respecting her wishes not to have sex before their wedding day if that were indeed the case?

I know some SAHDs. Not as many as women, but it is becoming more common. And I've never heard them complain that they've been looking after the kids all day and yet their DW wants sex.

You seem to be describing a spiral of resentment and lack of respect for each other, and lack of intimacy would clearly be a part of that. Of course the OP should be doing their fair share around the house, but it sounded awfully like if he did that he'd get sex as a result. (And I'm sorry but your Mills and Boon style first post also sounded extremely one sided). My concern is if that didn't happen it would simply breed more resentment.

Do you want to listen about what it's like from the other side? I work full time, my wife is part time SAHM/WOHM. I've always done my share of things. When they were babies I probably did as much night stuff if not more. I sort breakfast out so she can have a bit longer in bed. I do the vast majority of the cooking. When I get home I'm happy to sort the kids out whilst she goes for a run/goes off to a friends. She sometimes goes away with mates leaving me with the kids for the weekend. Of course, sometimes we have disagreements and arguments, but on the whole we seem to get on and like each other. (BTW I'm not trying to portray myself as some sort of wonder husband, but I do feel like I pull my weight around the domestic stuff/childcare).

Last time we kissed - when my DC was born. Last time we had sex - when DC was conceived (2.5 years ago).

You speak as if only the OP would follow your advice everything would be wonderful. Well, you could well be wrong. That's why I told the OP that he should be pulling his weight, because that's the right thing to do anyway, but not to treat it as though it would guarantee him a return of intimacy.

Simplesusan "Where are they oh they don't exist" There are no stay at home dads who do all the things you list?

No sweeping generalisations there about men then.

I appreciate what YOUR experience is but you don't seem to take into account anyone else's experience as possibly being equally valid. Pretty much all of your postings come across as being "I know best" and with, to me, a very belligerent tone even before all the "you know fuck all" stuff. I am not saying I agreed with all certain other posters opinions either but one can agree to disagree without being quite so offensive. Or defensive, perhaps.

I actually haven't said if the op does x and y then everything will turn out wonderful.

What I stated very early on was that unfortunately nothing worked for me and my marriage ended. I said that was probably not what the op wanted to hear.

People often wish for a magical turn of events when in reality there isn't going to be one.

Certainly in the cases I know well, and I have spoken intimately to my friends I detail., this magic recourse never happened it was too little too late.

Divorce/ separation is not the end of the world and whilst I am not telling anyone to do this, it was the correct thing for me and my very close friends to do.

All of us, and I can only speak for the women here, are truly much, much happier, now that we are no longer in those types of relationship.

I wish the op well, I really do and I wish that you find happiness too what's that.

All I can say is I thought things within my marriage were normal. Turns out that now I have met someone else I was wrong, they were far from normal.

Once again I don't blame anyone for wanting to make their marriage work., hell knows I put the majority of my life into mine
(I am an old fart!)

What I do wish was that there was mn when I was younger, with posters like my older, wiser self advising me that no, you do not have to tolerate this just because you have signed along the dotted lines as it were.