Not had sex for almost two years

[Olliedelondon]

I very much love my DW. Before we had our two children, we had a reasonable sex life, although I would always initiate. But since our children we have had very little sex (once every four months maybe) and nothing at all for now almost two years. My DW says that I am unreasonable in my 'needs' and that I should focus all my attentions on looking after the children. But I think it's destroying our marriage and I'm not prepared to sacrifice a sex life and frankly don't see why I should. I also don't think she fancies me. At all. Am I unreasonable? What should I do? I have 'got by' by using pornography in secret. I have also started fantasising about attractive colleagues, although I have never had an affair. The sexual frustration I feel is almost painful...Help?

You could easily apply the 'don't have a baby' argument to workaholic fathers - 'if you choose to have a baby and work 60 hours a week don't complain about still having to put your fair share into the family'. It really seems to be only women that are judged and found lacking in those arguments tbh.

It's not hard to find a man who can perform because it's not rocket science btw.

LOL. Ooooooh yes it is!

darks I did not say my DP does nothing around the house whilst I do everything, so what has the fact we both chose children got to do with it?

Offred yes the teenage boys attitude isn't nice but as far as I can remember it was the same when I was a teenager a decade or so ago, young lads are impressionable and naive and for most of them porn is their only experience of sex. When they start having proper sexual relationships I maintain they do not see it as the same thing anymore. Its quite telling you insist most women wouldn't just put a random stop to sex after kids but keep peddling the argument porn affects all mens view of sex. You sound rather sexist.

'The problem is the majority of babies are unplanned and that even if you choose to have a baby you are not making a choice to have the drudgery. A significant amount of the drudgery is imposed by capitalism and sexism.

Too often fathers make choices which limit the mother's, often obliviously, like deciding to start a business and put in 60 hour weeks meaning their wife has no choice but to 'not do much more than care for the dc'. It's not about the work so much as it's about the ability to choose. '

Oh yes, its all the fathers making the choice that he goes to work etc, the mother never has any say in anything when it comes to how the house is ran! Give me a break fgs!

Being an adult requires domestic drudgery I have found, its just a part of life unless you can afford cleaners/nannies etc etc!

I've never once made my DP's tea, by the way. He likes cooking and I hate it, so he cooks EVERY SINGLE meal I eat at home. We share the domestic drudgery, we both manage to pursure our academic/work interests. Yes there is an element in truth to what your saying that women are expected to work AND take care of the house etc but fgs its not something that can be blamed on men because plenty of men pull their weight around the house, theres lots of lazy bone idle women about aswell!

offred, the fact you say 'replacing her with porn' shows how little you truly know about mens sexuality. Seriously, you go on like you know everything but these little clues give it away. I cannot believe you are trying to blame a crap sexlife on some apparent 'sexism'. Ever thought its because you just wern't sexually compatible with your partners, or you are just so hung up on perceived disrespect and sexism and insecurities you don't allow yourself to be a fully sexual being?

Agree with what you say about flogging a dead horse relationship though, but dont see how that equates to sexism. Your relationship was dead so the sex was crap, theres nothing more to it than that.

22honey - You are also speaking generally about "mens sexuality". A persons sexuality is not defined by gender but on an individual basis with all the kinks, quirks and fantasies that go with it.

Use of pornography is not limited to men.

People who don't like pornography are also not lumped into the "insecure" or the "feminist" camp. There are many reasons that people choose to watch porn or not to watch porn. The reasons are as varied as the individuals.

I assure you, I am fully sexual being without using pornography.

Keepithidden I always find your posts thoughtful, considered and really interesting. I am glad you decided to keep posting. You sound like a thoroughly awesome human being actually.

Thanks for all the thoughts. I am not sure I am any clearer, but comforting to know that other couples have similar problems! To clarify a few points, I have always tried my best to please her and ask her what she wants/likes in bed. A standard response would be along the lines of "the usual". I have gently said I would like to try my best to give her an orgasm and what could I do, but she just doesn't answer and comforts me as to what I am doing. As to the 60 hour work thing, she was an equal partner in deciding for me to go for it. She is very money conscious (not in a flash way, but likes having money any saved in the banks and invested) and she knew full well what hours would be involved. However, whether she would have had the same view with hindsight, I don't know. Certainly, one key aspect of my business is marketing clients in nice bars/restaurants and I know she feels I take the Mickey with the number of times I am out and come back late/hungover. But, I can't grow the business without doing that. Truthfully. Also, I have never pestered her for sex. I respectfully try, she rejects me and I face her ice cold shoulder all night. In fact, that's the worst thing - when she gets into bed, she always lies with her back to me. Always. It really makes me resentful and often I can't sleep. It's got nothing to do with her being a SAHM and everything to do with our sexual incompatibility. Finally, I tried to talk to her last night, but she just would not engage again implying that I was a selfish person for even considering such an indulgence...I give up! It just makes me feel sick that my relationship is doomed with a woman I love all due to something as innate as sex. But then I think of being a divorcee and the effect on the children and it leaves me cold ...but then this feeling of frustration is intolerable.

I have no comment for the op but I am enjoying the spectacle of a 22yo telling all us ole fuddy duddies what is what regarding sex, men, the effect of having children on relationships and oooh just about the whole wide world

When you get some life experience and see beyond your own fabulous POV, honey, you will look back at situations like this thread and simply cringe at your ill informed and naive manpleasing stance.

Hey AF age is just a number. I am only 26.

It sounds like she doesn't love you.

Does she ever say she does?

Actually, I do have a comment for the OP. My advice to you would involve ending your marriage in the kindest and most amicable way you can, facilitate a good co parenting relationship and for both of you to move on.

She hasn't told me she loved me for a couple of years now.

Does she know that you are getting to the point that you might actually leave? If that doesn't act as a wake up call it will at least clarify things for you. If she doesn't care then you have your answer.

Don't say it unless you are actually thinking that separation is really on the card though. It shouldn't be used a threat. It should be about letting her know how bad things feel for you and if they are that bad then leaving might be your only option.

To me, the fact that she turned her shoulder back on you means she is brewing. I get the impression that she still loves you. If she hates you, then the hatred would have turned into actual actions already. e.g. cheating on her side or divorce on her side or other.

Is she the kind of person to normally be affectionate? The thing with this kind of situation is that, if you push her, she may blow up at you and then it will go from resentment towards hatred. Or one of you will break down, and then it won't be rosy any more.

Why do you not ask her about how she is feeling ? Is she still mad that you went out to the bars and came back late ? Each time you have a problem, resolve it, and nip it in the bud, and you continue to make this kind of effort to reassure one another. You cannot not respect her wishes as well. If you need to go out, then can you not come back much earlier for example ? Or do not drink, but definitely give or buy your clients drink.

You definitely need to figure this one out. Cos you're a married man, and must you drink ? You got to ask yourself if you want this kind of work life balance. Can't someone else from the office replace you ? You have to remember that you are a newly married man, (less than 5 years, is that right ?) and you are just a new father as well. Most men I know in my industry (IT) would not take up these kind of options at this stage of their career, but they do be more mobile later on. Only if the salary is worth it and it increases accordingly.

You need to ask her directly if she has forgiven you yet, and if there is anything that you can do, then what are her suggestions. What you have written above is based on our assumption. You wrote "she knows" this is what it takes for a new business. There is a difference between knowing, to that of wanting and approving of what you are doing. Maybe she never expected you to come home drunk. This is always a big no no in relationships. She has to worry about you and whether you also got home safely as well. On top of worrying about the baby too.

If two people resent each other, then one of you need to own up to the part that you feel and think that you did was wrong, before the other party owns up their part too and slowly open the dialogue too, and make changes and MEAN it. Do not deliver promises that you cannot keep. Cos if you do not build on the trust then you may as well throw out the relationship. If you need to be out late, always check with her, and if she is okay, or if she needs to stay up or whatever etc.

You don't know anything about my relationships 22 and you are incorrect but amusing anyway. Just had a good laugh at not allowing myself to be a fully sexual being!

Why are you so keen, at 22, 3 years into adulthood, to deny the existence of sexism? Seems a little too defensive to me.

Divorce doesn't have to be terrible for your dc op if you behave amicably and respectfully towards each other.

I do think you sound like you've reached the end of the road though. If she won't talk and won't go to counselling you can't so anymore can you?

Thanks Thou I'm a twat in RL though!

Ollie, no advice from me I'm afraid. Its a very sad situation and I wish you all the best. You don't sound to me like a knob and both you and DW deserve happiness. I hope this thread has provided some advice and perspective.

Take care.

darks I did not say my DP does nothing around the house whilst I do everything, so what has the fact we both chose children got to do with it

Because your previous posts imply and in fact directly say that the choice is ALWAYS the womans fault.

But, I think it may not be that men have a harder time on here than women, it's more that they have an easier time in RL compared to women, so when opinions are aired here it's more painful. Maybe.

Agree keepithidden

Can you imagine if I had aired my problems in RL in a restaurant or something and been overheard by the same sort of person who was messaging me?

Could end up being followed or harassed or worse. Luckily it only happened in cyberspace. This is why women in my situation and similar keep quiet.

Ollie -

She hasn't told me she loved me for a couple of years now.

Presumably she doesn't then. Why wouldn't she tell you, if she did?

I think you're screwed (or rather, not) TBH. I do think it's a bit soon, 9 months after birth, to be expecting that things will necessarily be normal sexually again. OTOH if she felt it was a temporary blip due to purely sexual (rather than broader emotional) factors, she'd want to communicate about it and tell you why, so you know that she loves you for the long haul.

But - and I hope you don't mind me being frank - it sounds more like you've served your purpose to her, she has what she needed out of you and she has no need to put up with you or sex any more.

Sorry.

I too wish you all the best for your situation OP and hope that you can reach a resolution.

I do not understand why so many others continually point to divorce asap.

I think she is rubbish as she doesn't seem to care about me at all. I know one shouldn't compare, but I look on with envy at my other married friends with children and they seem to have it all. Is that wrong? Why can't we have it all?

You wrote the above. Have you asked your friends what kind of work-life balance they have, and how they pulled through the tough periods ? i.e. straight after marriage, and then straight after kids, or during pregnancy also.

Basically you cannot expect sex, when you have also lost her trust and betrayed her as well. That is why she resents you now. The thing is, you married her, and why have you not ever asked her what her dream of a marriage is to be like also ? Have you also talked to her about your dream with her in the marriage and all the rest ? If you never shared those dreams, shouldn't you do this like now ? At the same time, have you always shown affection to her every day ? Whether this is a love token, a kiss on the check when you come back home. Or to listen to her talk after you come home from work, and share your day. If you never had this kind of interaction, then why and how can you expect any bonding or something as intimate as sex to start from the beginning again. It needs to be build up. The other thing I was wondering was, whether during her pregnancy if you were supportive. Or if she actually resent you there for not being there to emotionally support her or to physically support her when she is weak. Resentment comes from somewhere, and I think you need to figure out fast where it came from and why.

If I was in your position, I would go and sleep in the spare bedroom or other for a while to make a statement, and write a letter asking for a good talk, her stonewalling you is actually also affecting how you see the relationship and that you do fear that she does not love you any more. You need to show her the honesty. There is no point telling us here online, but you need to show her and tell her how you feel also.

Sorry Maisie, how exactly has he betrayed her? I must have missed something.

And you reckon she still loves him? I very much doubt it, not as a husband and wife should (sorry OP) The reason she hasn't done anything is because she is indifferent. She actually couldn't care less and she is stuck in a rut that she is too exhausted to get out of and which, for the most part, is not that bad. She has her DC and she has a decent lifestyle. She doesn't hate it enough to do anything about it. Just because she hasn't left or done anything dramatic, it doesn't mean she cares.

Somebody down thread suggested she was religious in some way. Perhaps walking away doesn't sit well with whatever faith she has either. She sticks it out because she feels it is wrong not to. Not a good basis for a marriage though, is it?

Ollie I've been lurking on this thread since the start, and like some others I have found the treatment you have received here apalling and rather depressing. But of course that's all your fault for being a man.

At the start I was thinking "well, DCs at 2.5 yrs and 9 months - that's really going to be the very worst time for his DW". But no matter how destroyed you're feeling, it costs nothing to communicate with your DH, explain how dog tired you feel and reassure him that things will get better in time and if you both work together.

I was going to suggest that you persevere for another 9 months, not even mentioning sex but just being as kind and gentle and helpful as you can to your DW.

But with every update you've posted the situation looks bleaker and bleaker - it seems that your DW is determined to give you absolutely nothing. Not the slightest glimmer of affection or hope.

So I'm afraid I'm forced to agree with the other posters - your relationship is over. You have fulfilled your purpose.

It may sound bizarre - but if she simply will not enter into any relationship discussion with you, then maybe it would be a good idea to write her a letter (like we used to in the olden days) explaining how you feel, and explaining that if she no longer feels anything for you, then you should separate, as amicably as possible.

But maybe that's just an ole fuddy-duddy idea.