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Original poster

Not had sex for almost two years

801 replies

Olliedelondon · 21/04/2014 14:03

I very much love my DW. Before we had our two children, we had a reasonable sex life, although I would always initiate. But since our children we have had very little sex (once every four months maybe) and nothing at all for now almost two years. My DW says that I am unreasonable in my 'needs' and that I should focus all my attentions on looking after the children. But I think it's destroying our marriage and I'm not prepared to sacrifice a sex life and frankly don't see why I should. I also don't think she fancies me. At all. Am I unreasonable? What should I do? I have 'got by' by using pornography in secret. I have also started fantasising about attractive colleagues, although I have never had an affair. The sexual frustration I feel is almost painful...Help?

OP posts:
Simplesusan · 22/04/2014 23:57

Rather than spa voucherserhaps it would be a better idea for the ops wife to go to an Ann Summers party.

Offred · 22/04/2014 23:57

And as I said, yeah she can do it on her own... So can the op, so what is the problem?

Their shared sex life is mutually unsatisfying, whether she masturbates or not is about as relevant as whether he does or not. No-one's told the op to to just go and have a wank.

hookedonchoc · 23/04/2014 00:00

Tbh I do wonder if the one and only orgasm in 8 years really happened, as I would expect most people who manage it once would work on making it happen again.

22Honey, you sound rather naive, I presume you are quite young, forgive me if that is not the case. There is another thread on this board canvassing how many women can/not achieve orgasm through penetration if you want to get some idea. Most women are capable of getting there (not through penetration) but it takes time and patience I am not convinced the OP would be likely to give to his DW's needs.

NurseyWursey · 23/04/2014 00:00

You know what this thread makes me a bit sick. Imagine if we were telling a woman what she had to do to please her husband and make him want to have sex with her? Erm no...

But we expect this of a man? Despite his wife refusing to communicate? I think we'd have a big fat LTB if a woman was having the same problem with her husband who was completely and utterly unwilling to talk. Oh and we would NEVER criticize her skills in the bedroom either, like some have done with the OP. Horrible.

After reading I think the woman just has a very low sex drive and a crappy relationship with her own feelings of sexuality. It needs to be discussed, she at least could give her husband that.

whatsthatcomingoverthehill · 23/04/2014 00:01

It is relevant insofar as it shows her general lack of interest in sex. And yes there are women who don't masturbate. My wife is one (unless she's lying to me....but not really sure why she would).

Darkesteyes · 23/04/2014 00:06

22 honeys posts

22honey · 23/04/2014 00:09

hooked, what does it matter my age? I'm not interested in a board about achieving orgasm through penetration, sorry. I know what a bloody orgasm is aswell so please don't even try to go there that I am experiencing something that isn't an orgasm, as I'm too young (I'm 22 at the moment, by the way so yes young! Not stupid though) to know what one is. If thats not what you were insinuating then I apologize.

NotNewButNameChanged · 23/04/2014 00:10

Offred - my ex, the one I left after four years of no sex, admitted to me 2 years after we split that she had never ever enjoyed sex with any partner, only 'used' sex to 'get' me and once she had me reverted back to type (ie, minimal and then no sex). She had also never masturbated. She said she had since our split sought counselling and been to her doctor to see if there were any physical issues (there weren't) but she was continuing counselling.

A great pity she refused to do this during the two years where sex and intimacy were slowly withdrawn when I raised it. Or during the four years of total lack of showing me any affection other than a peck on the cheek at bedtime despite my asking her to talk about things, seeking counselling etc.

Oh, we didn't have kids and shared all housework equally and had both quality time together and apart. In fact, I did more housework because she worked slightly longer hours and I cooked more.

22honey · 23/04/2014 00:11

Please explain Dark, what is so incorrect and obscene about any of my posts.

PlantsAndFlowers · 23/04/2014 00:12

Think you would be entirely justified in leaving and I agree with Nursey - when a woman posts saying her DH doesn't want sex with her nobody says 'well that's probably because you aren't a skilled lover'.

Simplesusan · 23/04/2014 00:13

TFast loris the same could be said for a
Man. He can wank himself off so why does he need a partner?

No wonder several of you on here don't get along with your partners

Darkesteyes · 23/04/2014 00:14

Its the insinuation that "most women don't like sex" This is incredibly damaging to women and is I believe societys way of silencing women in sexless relationships from speaking out. Or making it taboo for women to talk about sex in general.

Darkesteyes · 23/04/2014 00:16

No they don't Plants As women we get told that "most women don't/ shouldn't like it instead!!!

NotNewButNameChanged · 23/04/2014 00:16

Please remember we're not JUST talking about lack of sex, despite that being what most of us have fixed on. There is NO intimacy or affection AT ALL in the OP's relationship. Not a hug, not a cuddle, not a peck on the cheek.

Offred · 23/04/2014 00:16

You don't think it is fair to criticise someone for demanding more orgasms from his wife when he's only given her one in 8 years nursey?!

The last thread I saw posted by a woman dissatisfied with the frequency of sex posters kept on shouting at her about her withholding sex from him - she wanted more sex, he was not up for it but that didn't stop the assumptions.

People can bang on about 'blah blah if this was a woman' but how often has a woman posted on here saying she had set up a new business, decided it was better to invest time in that than her family and said her h was just looking after the kids and was angry she wasn't getting enough orgasms but had only given him one in their 8 year relationship?

It's not cos he's a man it may be affected by men and women's usual roles in society.

Yy agree she absolutely owes him honest communication over it but I don't think his attitude that it is all her fault and he's not getting what he wants so he replaces her with porn (wtf?) is good enough. He's entitled to a satisfying sexual relationship and honest communication but I don't like the inequality and the blaminess.

Like loris I suspect 8 years is too long to recover things

BOFster · 23/04/2014 00:18

Totally agree with Offred.

Offred · 23/04/2014 00:20

Not new - that is what one woman said to you one time. There are people of both genders who don't enjoy sex.

PlantsAndFlowers · 23/04/2014 00:20

Wanking over porn isn't the same thing as replacing her with porn.

NurseyWursey · 23/04/2014 00:21

offred how the hell is he supposed to give her orgasms if she doesn't want sex? She won't even discuss it with him. If there's a problem it needs to be discussed, not a ban on all physical intimacy. And I think it's unfair to pin the blame on the OP. There are lots of reasons as to why, but if she isn't willing to talk I'm not sure why he has to go running round like a lapdog.

Would you tell a woman they obviously weren't good enough at sex if her husband was denying it? Would you? And would you tell her 'you need to cook more for him and give him a massage'. No.

Sexist double standard rubbish as per.

Darkesteyes · 23/04/2014 00:21

My h hasn't so much as held my hand since 1996.

everydayvictimblaming.com/submissions/my-mother-misogyny-men/

Offred · 23/04/2014 00:26

And with respect 22 in 2000+ years of human dissection and learning about human anatomy they have never found any structure in the vagina which can produce an orgasm.

You may be having a clitoral orgasm during vaginal penetration but it is not any more possible to have a vaginal orgasm than it is possible to have a sole-of-the-foot orgasm since there are a reduced number of nerve endings in the vagina in order to enable women to give birth.

I'm not saying you are lying, some women can have clitoral orgasm just from fantasy, just the source of the orgasm is your clitoris not anything in your vagina.

Offred · 23/04/2014 00:29

I've never said any of that nursey. Hmm

I've said their sex life appears to be mutually unsatisfying and I think it is unfair of him to blame her when he, on the stats, is actually worse. I've said all along he deserves honest communication from her.

Would you be happy with someone who'd given you one orgasm in 8 years?

NurseyWursey · 23/04/2014 00:29

I would have thought the definition of 'vaginal orgasm' meant an orgasm caused by stimulation of the vagina, rather than it coming straight from the vaginas nerves?

Like people who have orgasms from anal. They know the orgasm actually comes from their clit... But it's caused by the anal sensation.

Darkesteyes · 23/04/2014 00:29

YY Offred a few years back they discovered that the nerves connected to the clitoris are longer than they first thought so that may be why a woman feels a clitoral orgasm a bit further inside the vagina.

Offred · 23/04/2014 00:30

He said "I have got by [without sex with her] by using pornography"

Why does he need pornography to wank if it isn't replacing an interaction with her with an interaction with porn?