Not had sex for almost two years

[Olliedelondon]

I very much love my DW. Before we had our two children, we had a reasonable sex life, although I would always initiate. But since our children we have had very little sex (once every four months maybe) and nothing at all for now almost two years. My DW says that I am unreasonable in my 'needs' and that I should focus all my attentions on looking after the children. But I think it's destroying our marriage and I'm not prepared to sacrifice a sex life and frankly don't see why I should. I also don't think she fancies me. At all. Am I unreasonable? What should I do? I have 'got by' by using pornography in secret. I have also started fantasising about attractive colleagues, although I have never had an affair. The sexual frustration I feel is almost painful...Help?

I'm not necessarily saying he is selfish. I'm saying he has given her one orgasm in 8 years, they have children 2.5 and 9 months and he thinks she is frigid and not providing him with a satisfactory number of orgasms... Just pointing out how ridiculous those things are when put together...

Of course relationships should be a two way process.

In a good relationship nobody keeps score. This applies to all relationships. Mother/ child, friend/friend, brother/sister, husband/wife.

If you see washing up your own plate as needing to be somehow a returned favour on the part of your partner then no wonder you have problems.

Fast loris I see where you are coming from.

In reality the reason sex is often good at the start of a relationship is down to the fact there are no "duties" expected on either side.

You have sex,you go home, back to your respective houses. That is exactly the point being made by many, many women on here. You do not have to wash the shit stained pants! That is my point.

There is nothing romantic about domestic chores.

I have several divorced friends. All of them divorced their husbands and all are so much happier now with their new partners who do not take them for granted. Things they said included:

I felt like nothing more than a glorified maid.

I often pretended to be asleep when he rolled in from spending the evening out drinking.

In all cases these women say sex is now amazing and I don't think it is coincidence that their new partners do far more around the house and make so much more effort to make their partners happy.

Yes the women also make more of an effort too.
I listen to what my fb says. We shop together and I ask him which dress he would prefer I buy, which underwear he prefers which perfume. He asks for my opinion too.

Seriously nobody should stay together if they are truly unhappy, I said in my first post that my husband and I separated and it was for the best.

How the fuck is he supposed to work out what gets her off when she shows no interest in working it out herself?

And yes, she hasn't complained but he's he first sexual partner, she may not know sex can be more enjoyable than this. Either way one orgasm in 8 years is not likely to cause her to be particularly enthusiastic about sex is it?

Some sort of couples sex therapy might be helpful. I don't think the problem in the relationship is her by herself.

Oh come on, you don't need to know what gets you off when masturbating for someone else to get you off. It's often different anyway.

I'm just pointing out if he's only given her one orgasm in 8 years she is not getting much pleasure out of sex and I don't think it's good enough to shrug and say 'my other gfs enjoyed it she must just be frigid'

I thought it was common for a woman to never orgasm? It seems very common for women to be totally apathetic about sex...thought it was also well known many women never masturbate. If this is the case (I've read this info in various places), OP's DW might just be one of these women, ie not a sexual being. Theres nothing wrong with that at all, although as we see it can affect a relationship. I have heard many a time aswell of a woman just telling their DH 'no more' when it comes to sex, usually after the childbearing has finished or when she is getting older. The DH is expected to just resign himself to a sexless existence for the rest of his days.

For goodness sake. Giving yourself time with your partner is not a crime.

Maybe they can discover finally what turns her on ?? Plus, I am surprised that some male posters here think that those kind of sexual connectedness also just drop out of the sky from no interaction whatsoever like it is a switch. Well, it is not. It needs attention, and it also needs focus on the side of the guy too to be this father figure. Not father figure to the wife ! But father figure to the children and pull the equality weight too.

There was a lovely article about Brad Pitt finally realising HOW to be a supportive man. That is right, how he has cut out every other influences and distraction and to let himself focus on his own wife. He has even self banned himself from sex scenes with other women, and continued to shower his wife only with affection. It is not rocket science or that difficult to understand, if you shower praise to your wife, support your wife emotionally, be there for her, such that, she will bloom, and she will also find you attractive too and want you and desire you in that context.

You worship her like a Goddess and she will turn into a Goddess ! Simple. How can she connect to her sexual self if she has not be a mother too and demands are placed on her all day ? Find ways to buy her some "me" time. Encourage her to be good to herself, and bring her health back. Help her in finding spare time during her day. Encourage her to buy clothes that makes her feel absolutely feminine again. Laugh with her on the silliness from the children's antics.

How is that possible if you work 60 hours a week ? Even as a full time worker, and without paid over time, I cannot do more than 40. With 60 hours per week, you are not getting any sleep, you are aggressive, you are tired, grumpy, you may displace a little bit on your partner without realising. It is not that unusual and that difficult to realise.

I will add, I'm not saying there isnt any men that arnt apathetic about sex, never masturbate or whatever, but it seems to be much less common.

It is common for society to treat women as thought they are frigid and therefore many women unfortunately accept crap unsatisfying sex. During times of difficulty therefore it is quite common for women to not want sex, mainly because the sex was so unsatisfying.

If a woman has a clitoris then there's not really any physiological reason why she can't orgasm.

Sad to read that post 22 - is that really what you think?

Offred - sure, fair enough. But OTOH there's always the possibility that she IS simply "frigid". I don't mean that disparagingly - there is a minority of people who do simply have little or no sex drive.

It's hard to say when he's her first lover though. And even if he has satisfied previous girlfriends that doesn't necessarily mean anything. Some combinations of people just don't work very well - even just physically.

What does sound more obviously true is that she really doesn't fancy him. He seems to pick this up pretty clearly himself. Personally I'm skeptical that anything he can do is going to fundamentally change that.

And it's not her fault of course. We fancy who we fancy. I do sometimes think sex before marriage should be not just accepted but obligatory though.

My xh had a pretty low sex drive and never once have me an orgasm in 6 years. It was soul destroying lot humiliating putting myself out there trying to show him what I liked and initiating only to be rejected or to have infrequent and standard sex which got him to orgasm.

I've now got a new bf and things are much better but he was shocked to learn women don't come through penetration alone as there is no physical mechanism (and why would there be - childbirth ow!) and need clitoral stimulation. There is so much crap about female sexuality around.

I came across a lovely article online written by a guy just last year which I thought was absolutely brilliant. He described the difference between just having sex with different partners (he was soul searching) to having sex with his soul mate (someone who gets him), the difference was mind-blowing. Obviously he had to nurture this to happen too.

I would ask the OP to just kiss his wife if he feels affectionate and not expect anything in return. I think if the sincerity is felt from his side, maybe this will slowly encourage his wife to do the same too. Right now, it seems obvious that she is not ready. She has to reprioritise things too. He should be lucky that she has not dropped into an antenatal depression phase. This is why my suggestion of him being there as the father to the children is important because he will discourage the ante-natal depression from possibly setting in too. A woman's hormones also changes during pregnancy and a little bit after. So he needs to be patient with her, as the hormones go through her body and set her in a particular mode.

I do not get why men do not read about this kind of thing either.

Offred which bit are you referring to? I have read several times in different places (magazines, online etc) that many women never masturbate and have never had an orgasm. It seems common to me for many women to be openly apathetic towards sex just from daily life, social interactions etc, they just couldnt care less if they never had it again.

If that wasnt the part you were referring to please correct me, lol.

Of course loris and if she's actually asexual she owes it to him to tell him honestly so he can seek a fulfilling life with someone else but it is much more likely that the sex is unsatisfying to her and that she believes she just doesn't like sex because she doesn't know it can be better.

Offred I orgasm through penetration, and it often (especially during this pregnancy!) happens too easily and quickly for my liking! I can also orgasm through the clitoris aswell, but presumed it wasn't that uncommon to orgasm through penetration? Am I a freak of nature? :O

I would think hormonal contraception had an effect on how frequently women masturbate and stigma has an effect on how accurately women report masturbating.

Facepalmed

And yet she has shown no interest in trying to improve things. You don't get married and have children with someone then decide actually the sex is shit so you don't want to any more. Certainly not without at least talking about it. All she's done so far is fob him off with crap about how they should focus on the children now.

It isn't possible to orgasm through penetration, there is nothing in the vagina anatomically which could cause you to orgasm. Some women will have a clitoral orgasm while they are being penetrated vaginally or anally and some may have a clitoral orgasm from stimulation or erogenous zones or even just fantasies but there's no such thing as a vaginal orgasm or the so called g-spot.

So no, not a freak of nature.

I would encourage the OP to also buy his partner some spa vouchers or something. Something that can allow her to pamper herself and feel like a real woman again and connect her body to her sense of self. This is important at some point also and it reminds her to also look after herself and her body more. She needs to be looked after so that she can also look after the kids too. It is a juggle but it is indeed necessary too.

If a woman has a clitoris then there's not really any physiological reason why she can't orgasm.

But the fact is that there are some women who have clitorises (clitori ), don't orgasm during sex and also never masturbate. Why is that then? Surely if a clitoris is all you need to orgasm, then nothing's forcing you to wait around forever until the perfect man comes along and makes it happen "for" you. You can do it for yourself. Or is there some convoluted way that "society" is responsible for that too?

OP, I feel for you and whilst marriage is a two way process, lots of posts seem to take your wife's side and suggest that you need to do all the running. You do need to have honest chat with her. I think no sex for two years is really harsh, even if she does not enjoy sex. This will sound very controversial but I would understand if you had an affair. But try not to, as clearly not an ideal solution. Have you done marriage counselling?

If you had to take hormones that killed your sex drive and society told you that women enjoyed sex and men just endured it, that the way women orgasm was 'proper sex' and the way men do was just optional foreplay do you think that'd have an effect on your sex drive and/or expectations of sex?

And I've never met a woman who has never masturbated or had an orgasm through sex and the one or two who post here are definitely a minority.