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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help me leave my violent partner

105 replies

namechange19526744 · 21/04/2014 12:45

I have posted before but it's like I keep finding reasons why I can't go but I can't take it anymore. I worry about my cats, I don't want to cause them distress. I need to find somewhere I can take them while I go to a refuge. I feel sick with guilt at the though of leaving them even just for a few months.

I feel awful for my lovely landlord as I will have to leave most of my possessions here and my partner will most likely smash the house up when he finds I've gone... how do I do this???

OP posts:
Original poster
namechange19526744 · 21/04/2014 12:47

I apologise in advance for any ranting or anything, I'm really upset today and finding everything so hard

OP posts:
Urvy · 21/04/2014 12:56

So sorry, I can't help with much but Well Done for taking this first step. You brave woman. I wonder if any of the cat rescue charities will provide you with foster homes for your cats - maybe someone not on a phone could google for you.

Urvy · 21/04/2014 12:57

Don't worry about your landlord, he/she will sort things if necessary and hopefully involve the police.

Women's aid may be a good first call?

CogitoEggySometimes · 21/04/2014 12:57

Never mind the cats or the landlord. Get yourself safe.

Original poster
namechange19526744 · 21/04/2014 12:59

I can't though, I don't care about myself more than the cats, I feel so guilty to uproot them and cause distress. They are outdoor cats and they won't take well to being kept indoors for the foster period. I don't feel brave I feel guilty and pathetic

OP posts:
Original poster
namechange19526744 · 21/04/2014 13:00

It's not fair to make my landlord deal with all my junk and a smashed up property

OP posts:
Original poster
namechange19526744 · 21/04/2014 13:01

I want to go but I feel like I'm stuck

OP posts:
Original poster
namechange19526744 · 21/04/2014 13:03

I'm such an idiot

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 21/04/2014 13:04

The cat issue is easily sorted, there are cats protection charities and fostering programmes.

If your DH commits criminal damage and makes a mess then that is not your fault, and indeed is a very good reason to leave him all the sooner.

Have you been in contact with WA before?

JonSnowKnowsNothing · 21/04/2014 13:06

If you're the MNer I spoke to before who lives near me, the offer still stands to take your cats for a while x

Original poster
namechange19526744 · 21/04/2014 13:07

Yes I've spoken to them before but I didn't have the balls to leave. I've also been put in contact with another organisation through the police and put on the high risk register and fast response

I'm trying to find cat fostering near to me but not having a lot of luck and I can't even call anyone because my phone is dead and charger brokelast night, it's like everything is against me

OP posts:
CinnamonPlums · 21/04/2014 13:07

Well done for taking this step at all. Your cats will of course miss you and you will miss them, but finding a safe place for you and for them is the priority.

Can you find a place you can visit them in? You'll have to be cunning so dp can't find out.

If you are really concerned about your landlord, how about letting him know you are going? Is he trustworthy? Don't tell him where, but he will have fair warning then. Either way he will have the police on his side if damage occurs.

Damnautocorrect · 21/04/2014 13:09

When I left my abusive partner I was lucky and took my cat with me (it was a very in cat friendly move though) he's like a different cat now. I had no idea the affect it was having on him.
The few weeks / months of upheaval for a better life is so worth it.

EasterEggSoloVerTheFloor · 21/04/2014 13:10

My dogs were what kept me in a DV marriage years ago, so I completely understand how you are feeling.

The first time I actually left, I only had one dog and I took her with me to my parents house, but I went back (please don't do this!) and the second time, some 4 years and many bruises and mental illness later, I made him go so I was able to keep my 2 dogs with me. Not sure my parents would have let me take two to their place...

I hope you find a solution. Take care.

Original poster
namechange19526744 · 21/04/2014 13:10

Are you in Yorkshire JonSnow?

OP posts:
NeedAdvice2014 · 21/04/2014 13:11

You're not stuck. You're afraid of making the break and getting away from him. But you will look back on this as the best thing you ever did. Contact catchat.org to arrange fostering for your cats, I have moved house with my cats a couple of times and the indoor period has been fine. Once you're settled they can move back in. Your cats aren't a reason to stay, violent men often abuse animals and anyway you should be putting your needs first.

Get support and leave.

Original poster
namechange19526744 · 21/04/2014 13:12

Thank you everyone for posting, I'm sorry if I'm not replying to every point, I can't stop crying and can't see properly,I feel so pathetic

OP posts:
Original poster
namechange19526744 · 21/04/2014 13:17

Thank you JonSnow, just checked my old PM's, it was you but it's 2.5hrs away so a bit too far, but thank you for offering Thanks

OP posts:
JonSnowKnowsNothing · 21/04/2014 13:19

PMd you, OP.
Agree with everyone, you MUST get yourself safe. Being scared is not an acceptable way to live.

JonSnowKnowsNothing · 21/04/2014 13:19

Cross posts!
Sorry I'm not closer x

Original poster
namechange19526744 · 21/04/2014 13:23

He wouldn't hurt the cats, he loves them, I feel guilty taking them away from him as well...

OP posts:
Original poster
namechange19526744 · 21/04/2014 13:26

11 years of this... why can't I just go??

OP posts:
CogitoEggySometimes · 21/04/2014 14:02

I don't know why you can't go but my firm belief is that you are not staying either for the sake of the cats or the landlord. They are handy excuses/reasons to hang your hat on but my feeling is that you are sticking around out of fear, self-doubt and a severe lack of confidence. You say you care more about a cat than yourself. A cat that even by your own admission, he wouldn't hurt. Being the victim of an abusive relationship for 11 years has crushed your spirit which is why you need to get to the refuge as a matter of urgency. Then you can work on rebuilding your confidence.

Please make that call.

Original poster
namechange19526744 · 21/04/2014 14:14

You're probably right. I'm terrified of what he'll try to do when I leave. He'll flip out, he's crazy. I'm worried about my family and what he'll try to do to them to find me. I'm worried that I'll be miserable and lonely far away from everyone.

OP posts:
CogitoEggySometimes · 21/04/2014 14:25

Those sound like more reasonable fears than well-looked-after cats and landlords big enough to take care of themselves.

It's reasonable to assume he'll flip out.... so that's why you need to get to the refuge without him knowing you have any intention of going. That'll take assistance and planning. If you genuinely think he'd harm your family, contact them and the police and tell them that he's dangerous. If everyone has the heads-up, they can be ready for him.

Being alone doesn't mean you'll be lonely. Being far away from others can be fixed with a coach ticket. Right now you are in the relationship and yet you are upset, anxious and miserable.

Good luck