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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help me leave my violent partner

105 replies

namechange19526744 · 21/04/2014 12:45

I have posted before but it's like I keep finding reasons why I can't go but I can't take it anymore. I worry about my cats, I don't want to cause them distress. I need to find somewhere I can take them while I go to a refuge. I feel sick with guilt at the though of leaving them even just for a few months.

I feel awful for my lovely landlord as I will have to leave most of my possessions here and my partner will most likely smash the house up when he finds I've gone... how do I do this???

OP posts:
Original poster
namechange19526744 · 22/04/2014 13:02

Crying down the phone to a stranger... poor woman, I didn't mean to do that

OP posts:
Granville72 · 22/04/2014 13:13

Does he not work?

When he gets back, hide your car keys. If he can't find them he cant take the car can he.

Report it stolen?

If you're classed as a high risk, then call the police or Special Police and tell them you need to leave but are worried he'll catch you doing it. The Specials are very good, and should come to see you, you can leave whilst they are there with you........just a thought.

There is nothing stopping you from leaving, only yourself honey

YellowStripe · 22/04/2014 13:15

Excellent idea Gggggggranville Smile

MorrisZapp · 22/04/2014 13:17

Yes if the car belongs to you and he takes it without your permission that is theft. Ring the police and report the car stolen.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/04/2014 13:22

You're only pathetic in the sense that you invoke our pity, not in the pejorative sense. We all want you to get away safely because we think you're important and we want you to find peace. Cars and even cats can be replaced. You can't.

Lweji · 22/04/2014 14:14

Not pathetic at all.

But do consider what's more important. The car or your safety and well being.
You will be able to get it later, if it's important to you.

(or pretend you're taking the car to the garage for something. Even changing tyres would be a good excuse. Or take it to go shopping or something, but you may need to chose between the car or your clothes and most belongings.)

Vivacia · 22/04/2014 15:39

Everyone, would it be a good idea for the OP to ring the non-emergency line, ask for the Domestic Violence unit and seek advice?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/04/2014 15:55

Definitely. This man appears to be unstable, dangerous and obstructive. Contacting 101 and asking for their DV unit would be prudent. In situations like this, victims need as many people in the know & on their side as possible. Friends, family, police, support agencies. Isolate the abuser rather than isolate themselves.

iggy0155 · 22/04/2014 16:11

Haven't got any advice but just wanted to offer a handhold. Good luck Op. You are an inspiration Thanks

AcrossthePond55 · 22/04/2014 16:14

It is common here (US) that the police are called to help a woman (or man) get away. They'd rather take an hour sitting in the driveway watching you gather your things and leave than spend countless hours on a DV call, or God forbid, a homicide investigation.

Is there a way you can stash your things away from the house and just take the car and the cats and leave while he is sleeping then pick your things up elsewhere?

Or build on Lweji's suggestion. Can you secretly get a suitcase of clothes in the car then 'take the cats to the vet' or 'for grooming'?

captainmummy · 22/04/2014 16:26

Agree with Granville and others - get the police to come out, tell them you are leaving and afraid of his actions. They will escort you and your belongings out, you can tell arsewipe that you are going where he will never find you, and tell him not to attempt to contact you or your family. The police will be witnesses to this, and will not allow any attempt to physically or verbally hurt you.
Good luck op.

Damnautocorrect · 22/04/2014 16:49

Oh shit, this is not the update I wanted to see. Yes call the police. I know everything seems hard and an uphill struggle. But this is a tiny hiccup in the brilliant plan you've put in place.

Granville72 · 22/04/2014 19:01

Hope you are OK OP. Keep strong and stay positive

CinnamonPlums · 22/04/2014 22:04

Just wanted to echo what the poster said earlier about how we are all standing there with you, OP.

You are not pathetic, you are just a person in a tight spot trying their hardest to find the way out.

We are here to hold your hand and push/pull you when you need it.

Stay strong.

Damnautocorrect · 23/04/2014 08:40

Op I hope you've not been back as you made it out yesterday safe and sound. Just wanted to pop in and say your still in my thoughts.

Granville72 · 23/04/2014 09:19

I don't think she has left yet

MoaningLisa · 23/04/2014 09:40

Hope you're ok OP. Update us when you can x

MoaningLisa · 23/04/2014 09:42

With regards to Apple. Can you not change your password for every thing?

AcrossthePond55 · 23/04/2014 19:16

Hoping all is well. You are in my prayers.

22honey · 23/04/2014 19:39

cats and animal fostering services for DV are rubbish iv tried accessing them a few ago in an abusive relationship and the docile woman on the phone at the end was thick and crap and so unhelpful i started crying!

its not easy to just get up and leave you beloved animal babies, they need you especially when theres no guarantee the abusive partner will even feed them properly!

cannot believe some idiots on here 'its simple, theres loads of fostering services' 'forget the cats' etc YOU HAVE NO IDEA unless you've been in the OP's situation! But yes I agree thats where she should start because lets be honest theres nothing else she can really do unless a friend or similar will have the animals.

Granville72 · 23/04/2014 19:48

I believe someone on here has offered to foster the cats and she was waiting on that poster to confirm she would take them for her.

She was also waiting on her partner returning her car, so she can leave and take the cats with her and timing her escape with little attention being drawn to her from her partner

SpottieDottie · 23/04/2014 19:51

OP, you are not pathetic, far from it. It's really hard to make that decision to leave and harder to follow through with it.
Lots of us are here for you and you can do it.

isshoes · 23/04/2014 22:20

I think you can just turn off Find my iPhone. Also second leaving the car - not least because could he not then report it stolen and the police tell him where it is? Apologies if that's not the way it works, don't wish to scaremonger. I think calling the police is a good suggestion.

Wishing you the very best of luck Thanks

SpottieDottie · 23/04/2014 22:24

If you change the password for your Apple ID then they can't use the find my iphone website to track the phone/ipad.

lentilpot · 24/04/2014 09:54

He can't report the car stolen if the OP takes all the documentation with her (and I presume it's in her name). Alternatively, if she takes all the documentation but leaves the car, then she should be able to get it back with the help of the police.

Thinking of you namechange! I hope everything is ok. x