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Relationships

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Original poster

Secret email address

62 replies

Pancakedays · 21/04/2014 09:27

I would really like some advice.
I have been feeling that my relationship with my husband has been different recently.
There is nothing I can pinpoint, it's just a feeling I have.
He has a pass code on his phone. Last week I asked to use it, said my battery had gone on mine. He looked a little unsettled but then gave me his phone after I glanced at the number for his pass code.
When I handed the phone back he looked relieved and said he thought I wanted to take it out with me, not just use it, so I put this down to him being unsettled.
He has suddenly decided to walk home from walk, wanted some exercise, nice weather ......
The timings appear accurate with how long it should take him, and last week I decided to drive past, telling him we had just been visiting friends so thought I'll pick him up. There was nothing suspicious, he was just walking along.
This morning I managed to get into his phone while he was in another room. There was absolutely nothing on it, all contacts and messages seem fine. I even checked call log, all appeared fine.
There was a couple a things in the notes section on his phone though;
A four digit number and an email address with his name but one I didn't recognise.
Should I ask him about the email? If I do he will know I have looked at his phone!
Think I'm going mad. I'm i just paranoid? I do have a tendency to read into things too much!

OP posts:

Walkacrossthesand · 21/04/2014 09:36

The trouble is, asking will get you nowhere because he will deny, and you won't know if he's telling the truth. It's horrible, but your spidey senses are telling you something (he could be going out for walks to make calls to the 'mystery person' - if it's a smartphone you can delete individual calls from the call log).

I think you have to decide either to let it drop in terms of phone-checking, and just be 'normally aware' of behaviour; or step up the secret checking until you find concrete evidence, in which case you screenshot, email it to yourself, and confront. Confronting without evidence is a Bad Idea.

Slipshodsibyl · 21/04/2014 09:36

I think that we use the Internet so much these days for researching many thoughts/ideas which might once have stayed in our heads. I don't do anything out of the ordinary online, but my activity is quite private in a way - stuff that would once have stayed that way. I don't want my family seeing everything I search or write even though there is nothing untoward there. My DH is the same and my young adult children too. We don't assume we can have free access to each others digital lives as years ago we would have respected their diaries.

If that is the only thing worrying you, I would try to perceive it as a need to keep some things private in a world where it is becoming increasingly difficult to do that. I hope that is all it is.

Original poster

Pancakedays · 21/04/2014 09:42

I do agree with what you are saying Slipshodsibyl. I feel guilty for looking at his phone without his knowledge. There may be nothing in it, and I'm also ashamed to ask him in case it is innocent and he will know I have been snooping. I just feel something isn't right. I caught him looking at me quite intently several times yesterday, he also seems quite distant.

OP posts:

Blithereens · 21/04/2014 10:01

Google the email address. It will come up if it's registered to anything with public access online.

I have multiple email addresses and I'm not sure DH knows all of them. I'm not hiding them, I just use them for different things and I don't exactly run it past him when I set them up. Why would I? So it could be perfectly innocent but the fact that you are so worried about it makes me think perhaps there are other issues?

cozietoesie · 21/04/2014 10:02

I have 7 or 8 separate email addresses of which 5 are used regularly - at least three or four times a week - for separate types of activity. (Life was real fun on Heartbleed weekend what with changing passwords for them all!)

So I wouldn't see another email address as in itself an issue - sometimes, using a new or separate email is still the easiest way round a problem if you have an online account for something: for example, I have one online account where I used one of them in former times and the account was screwed up with changes of address etc. The firm couldn't seem to sort it but their computer system wouldn't permit re-use of the original email address because it was 'already in use' - so I recently started with an alternate one. All completely above board and the firm (and everybody) knew about it.

However, while I wouldn't necessarily be leaving them open for everyone to read, neither would I be particularly secretive about them. Everyone knows I have a number of addresses and what most of them are. (Albeit they may not know the precise contents.)

It seems to me that your problem is more general in terms, partly, of not being open with your husband so I'd disagree with Walk - I'd simply ask him. Otherwise, it's going to be eating away at you and you're going to be constantly searching around for perfumed whatnots and checking everything he does. That's not sustainable in a relationship I think.

I do hope everything is fine.

Beachlovingirl · 21/04/2014 10:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RedRoom · 21/04/2014 11:02

Is the four digit number a pin code for another SIM card? It would tally with him having a secretly written down other email address...

Sorry, don't mean to worry you if that hadn't occurred to you, but I have been in this exact same situation. I discovered a secret email address, shortly followed by a second SIM card. When I first suspected he was cheating, he was insistent that I checked his email address and phone. Obviously nothing was there. That's because 500 emails were in his other email account, as were all the texts!

cozietoesie · 21/04/2014 11:19

Yes, a four digit code would not be to do with an email - at least none of the ones I know. It would be something else - such as another bank account, SIM, something similar.

Original poster

Pancakedays · 21/04/2014 12:16

I don't understand about a code for another PIN? I'm not great with technology!
How does it work? He has a smart phone.
He is definitely not himself today, seems restless, fidgety. I told him I was doing some gardening today, he said he might go for a walk this afternoon, wants to get out....

OP posts:

Slipshodsibyl · 21/04/2014 12:28

Just ask.

cozietoesie · 21/04/2014 13:04

You don't use 4 digit codes for email passwords that's all - at least, as I said, none I've ever used. (They're all minimum 7/8 digits with mixed and upper and lower case etc.) A four digit code is the sort of security code you use for a bank card or part (usually) of an online bank account entry procedure.

Why not go out for a walk with him and ask him about things while you're outside?

Walkacrossthesand · 21/04/2014 13:12

I suppose the other possibility is that he's in some kind of financial trouble - restless and anxious, separate account etc. How would you feel about talking to him about how you feel there's something the matter because of the 'vibe'?

Hissy · 21/04/2014 14:24

I'd call his bluff, tell him to sit down and tell you what you need to know.

Tell him you know something is up, and that now is the best time to tell you what that is.

Then cross arms and wait. Don't let it drop.

Hissy · 21/04/2014 14:25

4 digit could be the entry code to a building.

ClothesFlowingInTheWind · 21/04/2014 14:30

Is the email account linked to a fb account or anything like that?

RedRoom · 21/04/2014 17:05

Pancake days, many phones let you lock the phone and the SIM card. This means that if you unlock the phone, you can access general things like games, calculator, things that use the phone memory like the calculator, but the data stored on the SIM card such as texts, address book and phone records is still locked. It's a double security thing. You can also choose just to lock the SIM, meaning that if your phone is stolen, sensitive data can't be accessed.

If someone has a second SIM card, they can insert it into their normal phone if the hand set is unlocked, but they may which to protect sensitive data on the SIM card with an additional pin lock.

I don't know if that makes sense or not!

RedRoom · 21/04/2014 17:05

Wish to, not which to

cozietoesie · 21/04/2014 17:14

Thanks for that, RedRoom. That would just be a four letter PIN password?

GuybrushThreepwoodMP · 21/04/2014 17:41

A phone SIM would be 4 digits- all numbers I think.
Can you tell us a bit more about his behaviour? When did change? Is it something gradual? In what way? What is your relationship like?

cozietoesie · 21/04/2014 17:45

Yes - it's always the human side that fouls up, however many new layers of potential perfidy are introduced technologically.

RedRoom · 21/04/2014 17:50

I think a phone SIM pin always numerical, just because it is a numerical keypad. A four letter pin is more unusual: not sure what that would be a pin for...internet banking is mostly a secret word and you type in the 1st, 5th etc letter of the word.

CoffeeTea103 · 21/04/2014 17:50

Op it could be possible that you're reading too much into it. I have about 3 email addresses that DH doesn't know about, but it's because I just use it to register on websites and not used otherwise.

RedRoom · 21/04/2014 17:50

Sorry, my typing is terrible today. I had a pub lunch!!

Adayinthelifeof · 21/04/2014 17:55

I have several email addresses, a pass code on my phone, one on my ipad and one on my iMac that my wife doesn't know. I also have a credit card and bank account she doesn't have access to.

I'm honestly not upto anything at all dodgy though. We used to share a computer and a joint bank account but it made doing anything on the sly impossible. Sometimes you need to be able to do things without your wife/husband knowing for genuinely nice reasons. I couldn't buy her a birthday present or a bunch of flowers without her knowing. I couldn't book a surprise weekend, a restaurant or night away anywhere.

Because of my pass worded computer, email account, private bank account I could do things for her which was nice. Granted our relationship is now screwed and we're separating but not due to any of the reasons above. I trust her and she trusts me 100%.

I think if you have concerns you need to check them out without your other half knowing. It will ruin the trust. If I found out my wife had been into my phone I'd be seriously pissed off and likely never trust her again. I know her pass code for her phone but I have NEVER felt the need to take a look at it. I trust her.

doziedoozie · 21/04/2014 17:56

Due to being on MN for several years I have come to the conclusion that he is up to something. People don't change their habits without telling you (or someone close to them )eg I've found this great new idea I am trying, met this really interesting bloke/girl, found this get fit quick system which involves walking home from work each day and it works by blah blah blah. So his retinence is very suspicious.

Is the walking home from work a chance to phone someone else in peace without you or work colleagues hearing?

Yes, I have many email accounts, probably 6-10 but fuck knows what they are as I only use one. The others I was coerced into setting up by google/ Microsoft etc when logging on to something.

His behavior is very suspect and watching you is to see if you have clocked this.

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