Secret email address

[Pancakedays]

I would really like some advice.
I have been feeling that my relationship with my husband has been different recently.
There is nothing I can pinpoint, it's just a feeling I have.
He has a pass code on his phone. Last week I asked to use it, said my battery had gone on mine. He looked a little unsettled but then gave me his phone after I glanced at the number for his pass code.
When I handed the phone back he looked relieved and said he thought I wanted to take it out with me, not just use it, so I put this down to him being unsettled.
He has suddenly decided to walk home from walk, wanted some exercise, nice weather ......
The timings appear accurate with how long it should take him, and last week I decided to drive past, telling him we had just been visiting friends so thought I'll pick him up. There was nothing suspicious, he was just walking along.
This morning I managed to get into his phone while he was in another room. There was absolutely nothing on it, all contacts and messages seem fine. I even checked call log, all appeared fine.
There was a couple a things in the notes section on his phone though;
A four digit number and an email address with his name but one I didn't recognise.
Should I ask him about the email? If I do he will know I have looked at his phone!
Think I'm going mad. I'm i just paranoid? I do have a tendency to read into things too much!

The banks seem to have different rules for each of my online accounts - they all involve a PIN and one of them also involves a secret word/password etc.

I think the phone may be a red herring, but it sounds as though your instincts are telling you that something is amiss.
So you can either ask him what's up, or dig a little deeper, or just keep quietly watching..
From experience I'd say always trust those spidey senses. My DH was actually became the perfect husband when he was cheating. I felt as though I was going mad because I just knew something was odd. I found my proof on his phone.
Can you search for a possible second phone in the house/car, or try to access the second email account if you know likely passwords?

Multiple email addresses aren't necessarily a red flag.

I have several, if for example you have a hotmail ( Microsoft) email address and you buy an android phone it will ask you to set up a gmail email account so you can access some features. Thanks to registering various devices over the years, along with internet providers that give you a new email account, plus being at a couple of colleges for various courses that want you to create various email accounts I think at a conservative guess I have at least 7 rarely used email accounts. But they do show up as saved contacts on my phone and any other device I link to it.

Thank you all for your comments. My minds whirling and I'm so tired of over thinking but I hope this post will be clear. If anything it will help me put things in perspective.
I spoke to DH. I came in from the garden and asked him to have a coffee with me before he went on his walk.
I'm afraid I chickened out on telling him I looked at his phone, I do feel ashamed about doing that.
I just told him I was worried about him as he appeared distant and not himself. I asked him if he needed to tell me/discuss anything with me. He didn't know what I was talking about, said nothing was wrong, he wasn't distant etc...
I said that I felt things had changed between us, he just said he loved me, nothing was wrong, he's just tired, busy, usual stuff, but nothing to worry about.
I suggested that maybe we should forget the garden, and his walk and go out for a family meal, have some time together which he agreed on. It was too late to get a babysitter but we all went and had a lovely time.

We have been together for twenty years, married 14 years. He is my best friend, I'm his. He has been so devoted to me over the years, overly generous and always there for me.
We have had our children in quick succession, so it has been very busy and tiring and I know our relationship has suffered. We have discussed about making more of an effort, going on dates, but probably don't do this enough. The reality is that it's expensive to get a babysitter, both of us tired in an evening and we usually end up getting a takeaway instead.

Since he has been acting 'distant', I have tried mentioning going out more, making more time for us but he doesn't appear that enthusiastic, just shrugs and says 'yeah, ok'.

About two years ago he took up running. He usually runs with a friend (male). They have done a couple of marathons. He tries to do this at least twice a week, during the day or evening, whenever he can.
I have really encouraged this as he has never really had any hobbies, and think he sees it as a release from children, chores etc.

There was some family upset a year ago, a family member aimed some anger at me, but DH completely stood by me and supported me at the time.

I may be going mad, or just paranoid but I think something isn't right.
I have been with this man for twenty years, and know that something has changed. I just hope it's not his feelings towards me.

I've decided to just keep watchful. I'm going to try and make more of an effort, and work on being a couple again.

The email address was typed in the notes section on his phone, and the four digit number in a separate note.
We share everything, credit cards, bank accounts, bills etc. nothing separate.

Well done for talking about things then. Best of luck - and we're all here if you need to talk at any time.

Keep asking questions, and listen to your instincts. If you think something's a bit off, it might just be,

I'm sorry, but have seen too many threads where the op has a niGgling doubt.

I will pray that you are wrong though. (((hug)))

I think I'm going mad, certainly have severe paranoia! I'm starting to think its me and I think I need help as I can't cope with this.
A couple of days ago I looked in an old condom box. We no longer use them, but their still in date. I'm sure 2 are missing, as I can't account for them. We have rarely used condoms, so I know how many we have used together. I didn't say anything.
He also changed his pass code on his phone last week. He became suspicious and said he was annoyed that someone keeps going into his phone. At the time he said he thought it was the children, but I'm not sure if he was thinking it could be me.
This morning I walked into the bathroom while DH was showering. There were scratch marks over his lower back/buttocks. When I asked about them he said he was 'itchy'. He does suffer from eczema.
When he returned from the shower I asked to see the scratch marks again. A couple of scratches weren't going in the same direction if you scratch yourself iykwim?
I asked him out right if he had been seeing anyone else. He was angry, said he never has or would. He said he didn't want to leave me, and would never do that to us. He did also look tearful.
I asked him why he has a pass code on his phone and computer. He turned it round and said I had one on mine, the kids have on there's, everyone does. I asked why it was a secret from me.
He offered to show me his phone and computer.
I told him that if he needed to tell me anything we could try and work through it. If I find out that he is lying when he has had the chance to put things right, then I would never be able to forgive anything.
He has been quiet, looks upset but has tried to be affectionate with me this morning.
I feel ashamed I may have accused my husband when he has done nothing wrong. I have never felt like this before. I'm suspicious of everything. How do I get over this?

The scratchmarks aren't proof of anything if he has ezcema. Particularly if they're around his belt area where clothes can chafe.

You also aren't sure about how many condoms there used to be. And its true, if everyone else has passcodes, then he's allowed too. You already checked his phone thoroughly a week or so ago and found no suspicious call history or texts.

So far, you've no evidence he's doing anything wrong except he's been a bit distant lately, and you said yourself your relationship has drifted somewhat.

Of course he may be having an affair that he's covering up very well, but its also possible that your relationship has started to move into the Friend Zone and you're both feeling off kilter as a result. How is the intimacy between you?

I don't think you're going mad OP. It doesn't look good.

If things have changed, they have changed IYSWIM.

Keep listening, keep watching, keep asking and stay alert. Sad to say that instincts are never wrong.

Does his eczema look as though it's flared up?

I don't think you are going mad OP.

He is hiding something from you. Somehow you instinctively know this but are trying to squash that niggling voice.

This is the worst bit about cheating, denying and making you question yourself.

I don't like the sound of the scratch marks

What does your gut say?

Were the scratch marks on 'clear' skin? Or on excema-y skin?

No, the scratch marks were not anywhere near eczema, he does have dry skin though, so was probably this.
I never thought I would doubt my DH. He is my best friend, soulmate. I tell him everything and until now I have trusted him completely.
It has been a stressful time for me over the past few months. Perhaps it's me.
I went out this afternoon for a walk, I needed to think. What has disturbed me the most is that I'm scared of knowing if there is something going on because I don't think I could physically cope by myself. We have three children, it's hard work, and we both work together as a team. I worry that the children would want to live with him instead of me. I'm actually thinking that if something is going on it would be easier to bury my head in the sand rather than deal with any upheaval!
How pathetic is that? And what does it say about me?
We are still intimate with each other. Not necessary sex all the time, but tactile daily, kissing/hugs etc.
When I returned home and saw him with the children I felt stupid I could ever doubt him. He was so angry this morning, and I feel ashamed. There is nothing worse than to be accused of something you haven't done.
His parents have come round this evening to discuss the summer holidays. His DM is coming away on a trip with us and they wanted to discuss it. She definitely noticed that something had gone on.
I have found posting here strangely cathartic, as I guess I can't discuss this with anyone in RL. I have decided though, to take a step back.
For the past few days I have googled signs that your DH is cheating, and read other posts, and perhaps I'm over thinking things and looking for signs. Almost like reading a medical book and convincing yourself that you have a illness!
I need to step back and keep to the facts. I also need to figure out if this is me and my issues.
I will of course update should there be any 'developments'.

Pancake I have no idea whether your DH is cheating or not. None at all.

But YOU sound lovely, compassionate, thoughtful, intelligent and suspicious.

From what you say, you are in danger of gathering almost irrefutable evidence and still denying the possibility of cheating, because you'd rather not know.

I am not saying you are at that point yet at all. But the changing the passcode on the phone and the 'jumpy/nervy' state that he seems to be in, suggest that something is up.

A good course of action would be to 'apologise for your accusation' but tell him that all the security on his technology has sent your brain into overdrive, and just to reassure you, could he just leave everything unlocked/share the passwords with you, for a while just to put your mind at rest.

If he is innocent, he might huff and puff but he won't object. If he starts going on about 'personal privacy' and being 'outraged at the accusation', I would be inclined to think he is hiding something.

You do honestly sound so kind. I wish you well.

I agree with snotandbothered's course of action. I have had that sense twice in my life. Once with my ex, and it turned out to be completely justified. She had been sleeping with someone else. The second time was with my DW. An ex had made contact with her. She was totally up front about this and as someone who is friends with several of her exes I thought nothing of them meeting up. Then, because I was going through a difficult time myself at that time, I started feeling really insecure about it and imagining that things were going to happen between them.

I never actually told DW how I felt at the time, only after they'd met. In fact they met up for a coffee while DW was on a bussiness trip. Chatted for an hour or so and have never been in touch again. My suspicions and paranoia were totally unfounded.

So, my point is it could be either. It's a horrible place to be, I feel for you and I hope your fears are unfounded.

Just wanted to update. Thank you so much for your responses.
DH and I have been trying to make more time for each other over the last couple of months. Nothing else has come to light to make me suspicious.
We have been trying to make more time for each other but I still feel something is missing.
DH appears so unhappy most of the time. I am trying my best, allowing him more time with hobbies etc, but it is just so exhausting.
I have tried to be more intimate but it is one sided.
He says it's because he is scared I will get pregnant again!
He is however very attentive to helping me.
We spoke again last night. He feels like life is slipping away. He is now middle aged, friends are becoming ill, having health scares.
The most devastating remark was that if we were starting over again he wouldn't have had three children, but would have stopped at one.
His reasons were time constraints and financial stress.
We are ok financially. We do have to be careful, but have a nice lifestyle with a holiday every year.
He can't understand why I'm so upset by this comment?

Mid life crisis?

I saw scratch marks on my ex's back; I asked what they were and he said he'd scratched himself. He was seeing someone.

FWIW I could tell with him the instant something was going on; he denied it. The problem was that I believed him and thought I was going mad. I ended up with ADs for several years. I felt I couldn't believe what I saw/felt, because it was always denied by someone I loved.

I felt as though I couldn't trust the ground beneath my feet.

When I did find out that something of course had been going on for years, I didn't need the ADs.

Trust your instincts here, OP.

It sounds like he has reached a certain age when he realises his life is going past very quickly and he is having to face friends getting ill and having health scares. On top of that you must have changed so much because if all the doubts you have about him. Obviously I don't know if he is having an affair but there are very few signs to indicate this.
I know it's hard but try and focus on the good things about your relationship. If you keep accusing him you will slowly destroy him.
Perhaps sort out some highly effective contraception so you can become intimate again without the risk of pregnancy.
Let him have his self doubts and worries about getting older. We all have to face it at some time and it's really hard to deal with emotionally.
Try to have some special times together where you can relax and laugh together and I truly hope you will both come through this difficult patch.

Pancake my XH came out with something similar about mid-life crisis after attending a reunion from his uni days. He then went on to say that based on his Dad's life span he only had 10 to 15 good years left and he needed to make the most of his life. I didn't know it at the time but that was his intro to moving on with the OW so he could make the most of his life with her...

I've got to say from what you've said your H is sounding very similar to my XH who had a 10 month affair and denied it, very aggressively and consistently until, I think, he simply couldn't cope with the deceit anymore as his feelings for OW intensified and he was 'torn'. At that point he buckled under my questioning.

My antennae never stopped twitching and we did the whole doing more together stuff etc and he played along pretty well but something just wasn't right and I kept picking the scab.

I hope I'm wrong and that he really is just 'going through a phase'.

Good luck x

Unwishing two of your children is just plain mean, a kind of meanness that requires explanation.