Secret email address

[Pancakedays]

I would really like some advice.
I have been feeling that my relationship with my husband has been different recently.
There is nothing I can pinpoint, it's just a feeling I have.
He has a pass code on his phone. Last week I asked to use it, said my battery had gone on mine. He looked a little unsettled but then gave me his phone after I glanced at the number for his pass code.
When I handed the phone back he looked relieved and said he thought I wanted to take it out with me, not just use it, so I put this down to him being unsettled.
He has suddenly decided to walk home from walk, wanted some exercise, nice weather ......
The timings appear accurate with how long it should take him, and last week I decided to drive past, telling him we had just been visiting friends so thought I'll pick him up. There was nothing suspicious, he was just walking along.
This morning I managed to get into his phone while he was in another room. There was absolutely nothing on it, all contacts and messages seem fine. I even checked call log, all appeared fine.
There was a couple a things in the notes section on his phone though;
A four digit number and an email address with his name but one I didn't recognise.
Should I ask him about the email? If I do he will know I have looked at his phone!
Think I'm going mad. I'm i just paranoid? I do have a tendency to read into things too much!

Sounds like he's checking out a bit - especially the stuff about the kids and the midlife crisis sounding stuff.

For me the biggest query is the tears - if someone accused you of cheating and you are entirely innocent you don't go tearful. Most people would laugh. Some might get angry. But tears?

OP, trust your instinct! It's there for a reason.

After you borrowed the phone the first time and didn't check through it, the first thing he would do is delete every bit of incriminating evidence! This is why you found nothing the second time.

He sounds like a guilty man.

He is trying to rewrite history, trying to find reasons to justify his current feelings. The reason for lack of sexual interest isn't very likely.

You are not going mad OP, you know him.

My friend's husband declared that he wished they had never had children. He left for OW shortly after.

The something missing is your instinct telling you he's occupied elsewhere. The distance, the "unhappiness", the mid life stuff and the fact that you are the one putting in the effort all point to him having an affair.

I would do some quiet digging - check emails, internet history, phone, bank statements, mobile bills etc.

Or, MissScatterbrain, maybe it is all innocent. Maybe the man is going through a mid-life crisis in a perfectly innocent way. People go through ups and downs in their life, sometimes the downs cannot be rationally explained.

OP, if he's never done anything untoward before, give him the benefit of the doubt (as you seem to be doing) and just help him get through this patch. I'm just trying to say, don't worry about it too much until you know unquestionably that he's doing anything wrong.

I didn't see your thread when you first started it, I agree with everyone that if you have lived with someone long enough, you know when something's out of alignment. Interesting to see your update.

The most devastating remark was that if we were starting over again he wouldn't have had three children, but would have stopped at one.
His reasons were time constraints and financial stress.

I'd be lying if I said there hasn't been the occasional moment when my partner and I have thought about the contrast between life before and life after DCs but to hear your DH phrase it so plainly must have been startling.

Yes perhaps you aren't always attentive to him because you've been preoccupied with the DCs, and he might somehow have taken that as a sign of rejection. Equally you want him to be your partner, not another person to take care of. It wou;d be nice if he didn't wait for you to ask, just picked up the slack.

I expect you've tried explaining, it's not that you don’t care about him, but is very difficult to stop thinking about the DCs and their needs, even during after they've gone to bed. It's challenging to refocus energy on him.

If it's not about cherchez la femme, I would say this hinges on money and financial stress. But if he is normally open with family finances and you have access to statements and everything and haven't noticed any severe dips and outgoings, that seems unlikely.

Just a long shot, has he harboured any secret health fears. Some sort of leaning towards hyphochondria as he gets further into middle age?

Are you still going away with MIL this summer? It's crucial to have alone time with your DH, but the next best thing is a change of scene for all of you.

You are incredibly suspicious of everything, yet have found little evidence. If you dig hard enough and long enough into the life of most people there would be something that you disagree with.

You seem to have a relatively nice life, but it is almost as if you wish to find something. Are you going to question every new phone number that is dialled? Look at every email?

these guys must be bored of talking about there shiny cars:

www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&f=210&t=1419924&i=320&mid=&nmt=

It's 'their', not 'there'.

If you believe he's going through a hard time/midlife crisis you could try to be supportive and help him through this stage.

If it turns out that he's having an affair, then you can keep your integrity and your head up high that you did the right thing. If he takes advantage of your trust to do something so deceitful then its game over, this should never be forgiven.

Pancakedays joining this thread late. Most of the other posters seem convinced your DH is up to something but I just wanted to say that, although it's natural to worry if someone starts behaving differently, or seems a bit distant – your DH's explanation seems pretty plausible to me and none of the things you've cited would ring 'affair' alarm bells. I also go through stages when I feel a bit overwhelmed by family life. If I could, I would walk, on my own, for hours with my headphones on. And who doesn't have a lock on their phone? I think even in close relationships people are entitled to a bit of privacy. I hate it, for example, when DH stands behind me when I'm drafting an email (not because he's being suspicious by the way, he'll just be doing it in an absent-minded way). It's not because I'm writing something I don't want him to know about, it just makes me feel self-conscious. I need a life of my own, interactions with friends etc that DH isn't necessarily part of. And he's fine with that, and vice versa – if I found out he'd be checking my phone I'd be seriously peeved. It would never occur to me to check his.

I agree that his comment about your DC was deeply insensitive and must have hurt a lot. And, as I said, I think it's totally normal to have concerns but my advice would be to just keep talking to him about them, don't assume he's up to no good. Of course there's a chance he is but it sounds as if there are a lot of very good things about your relationship so perhaps best to give him the benefit of the doubt for now. Wish you the very best of luck.

Sorry haven't read everyone's replies.

I wouldn't be suspicious on this basis, I have an couple of different email addresses that dp probably doesn't know about but I have nothing to hide.

I also have little passwords/codes stored on my phone, just watch and wait I think!