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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The Dating Thread 73.

999 replies

MadeMan · 19/04/2014 12:09

Hello and welcome.

OP posts:
Rummikub · 03/05/2014 11:53

No, he sounds nice. Get your parents to stalk?!

SuperFlyHigh · 03/05/2014 11:57

8Jarlin* - sorry was knackered last night so fled and had an early night! hangover etc!

what you said in one of your posts makes sense re Slow re not having a long term relationship since his exDW cheated on him. In fact it has parallels with Kent Lad's GF (and mother of his child) leaving him when their DS was 4 as she wanted to see more of life etc - she was 10 years younger than Kent Lad.

I just think there that Slow will take a while to settle, trust etc after the cheating, makes perfect sense to me actually. are you prepared to be that patient? I would talk to him.

SuperFlyHigh · 03/05/2014 12:02

Re my brother and his wife.

they've been married 2 years and together 3 or 4 years. She has a very demanding job as manager of a gallery but with local gov funding (involvement).

Anyway she works regularly up to 9-10pm every night and a lot of weekends, not every weekend but a few - public gallery so demands are there. she was promoted last year, they said they'd get someone in to replace her old post but as local gov etc haven't done this yet.

She's outgoing/assertive generally but in this case not. There are evenings (last Thursday when I stayed over) where she is home at 11pm.

She says she can't talk or it won't do any good her talking to someone senior about this.

Her mother (a secondary school A level teacher) thinks she is overworked but also overworks herself (brother's DW).

My brother is getting increasingly stressed about it all. His wife is TTC (very recent scenario though).

My mum (sister in laws MIL) thinks DSIL should see a life coach so she can talk about balances etc.

Yeah I know its none of our business their marriage etc but when/if my brother has enough - he's a photographer but in final year of degree at film school - and it ends then it will be our business! They also seem to have a good marriage otherwise and get on well, it's just her job which is creating this big rift!

thanks for reading! Smile

Rummikub · 03/05/2014 12:33

I think they need to talk. She sounds over worked and stressed. Poor woman. I can understand why she feels its pointless to talk to someone senior if it won't change the situation and may cause additional stress.

If she's ttc, then she maybe she does need to prioritise what's important.

Do they keep talking, are they connected? Maybe couples therapy would help? Lots of couples leaving it till they're in crisis in their relationship, so therapy happens too late for many. It sounds like there is an issue in their relationship bit it's not at crisis point yet. But you're worried it might lead there. Would they consider couples therapy? Not relate though, they're crap in my experience.

Jarlin · 03/05/2014 12:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SuperFlyHigh · 03/05/2014 14:54

Rummi and Jarlin actually I think I have some sort of bug as been vomiting earlier…. had to cancel earlier and taking it easy.

re my brother and SIL - they HAVE talked but its always she can't help it - personally if it were me it'd go to HR as Jarlin says also get doctor involved and stress reported.

She does want to make changes. I don't think couples counselling would help because she'd go back into same work mode. don't get me wrong we all feel for her but even her SIL (my SIL's brother's wife) said the other day "oh A is always busy too busy" and my SIL never seems to listen to anyone. If anything she gets upset, angry (with her mum) if they broach the subject!

that's why I thought life coach as my mum and I know a great life coach who's coached me - and it really helped me! life/work balance, you know what I mean?

Rummi they do keep talking and are connected.

I heard she was TTC but her parents (who have offered child care) are in SW England (my SIL is in London area) - SIL can't move yet, no jobs or she's got no time to apply for them etc. I also think she hasn't factored in childcare costs!

still at least they have a 2 bedroom flat now as SIL's brother and wife was living with them until recently (they've bought nearby).

SuperFlyHigh · 03/05/2014 14:57

Jarlin - I see your point re the job. Kent Lad had a potential job where he'd be travelling around (abroad) a lot and I wouldn't have got to see him, he wouldn't have been happy and I did mention (even though we were new) that that wouldn't be good for our now ended relationship!

However with Slow - this hasn't happened yet and he may not even get a job abroad! So I'd sort of maybe hold off this for now. If you want to take a chance and tell him now that it'd end if he works abroad then I hate to say this but he may look differently at your relationship and not see a future in it anymore, do you see?

only you know what's best though!

Rummikub · 03/05/2014 16:51

super hope you feel better soon.

I think it sounds like they do have a good marriage then, if they are connected and do stay talking. I think a life coach would be good re priorities and work/life balance. But I think she isn't ready for that kind of intervention. She may eventually come to realise she could do something different. Has your brother told her he's unhappy? Is he unhappy? Maybe it is about riding out this phase, be supportive of each other.

Ffs, "do I want to have a bath?"! Why? Why? Why?

Rummikub · 03/05/2014 16:52

As in join him for a baths not cos I stink! Grin

Jarlin · 03/05/2014 18:33

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rummikub · 03/05/2014 18:41

Self preservation is good. Would you be able to have a relaxed conversation about it with him? Check out how serious he is without pressure?

SuperFlyHigh · 03/05/2014 19:06

Jarlin - I agree with Rummi - a relaxed convo is the way to go.

I still feel yucky now…

was supposed to be out for a meal later but can't face that now!

not sure about how I feel re MBB - he's online on Match Affinity and you can tell when he's online or not… I mean it's not serious but if you're interested in someone do you keep your options open?!

SuperFlyHigh · 03/05/2014 19:06

Rummi did someone ask you to join them for a bath then?! strange….. Confused

Rummikub · 03/05/2014 19:13

Yes he did! Very randomly. I just asked what he was up to. His reply 'a bath, want to join me?'

He doesn't even know my name!

Someone's asking to chat off site, he seems normal and intelligent. Very tall and I'm v v short. I've said no, stay on site. What's a good timescale?

SuperFlyHigh · 03/05/2014 19:24

Rummi - how weird…. re the bath?! I think he was hoping (ha!) your convo would take another turn. Grin

I'd only personally chat offsite when I know the person better, probably had a date. not before. that's me though.

Rummikub · 03/05/2014 19:27

Oh good. That sounds safe and sensible. I think I might be a people pleaser. I hadn't realised till doing this dating on line lark. I'll need to treat everyone with suspicion!

Rummikub · 03/05/2014 19:27

Yes I think you're right. He wanted some wank material.

whitedoorbell · 03/05/2014 20:21

rummi not sure if you have followed my story but please don't forget to look them up on google... I have come across 2 sex offenders since I started OLD a few months ago.
sorry to put a dampener on things but we need to remember to look after ourselves x

Jarlin · 03/05/2014 20:22

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whitedoorbell · 03/05/2014 20:22

did laugh when I read about the bath as u have invited baldy to my house on friday as we both have a day off and bath is on the agenda. .. he only has a shower Grin

Jarlin · 03/05/2014 20:29

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Rummikub · 03/05/2014 20:36

doorbell that's frightening! I am v mindful of that as I have 2 gorgeous dd's.

So just ask them for their full name before passing contact details on?

jarlin congratulations?? Why do they do that! Does it do tricks? Is it magical? Are you really that proud of your dick!?

doorbell Grin though I am presuming you have met your bath buddy first?

So what's the etiquette! I'm chatting to a few. Not men any. I can't envisage me stopping browsing until awhile in...

Rummikub · 03/05/2014 20:37

Don't know why I keep doing ! Instead of ?

Jarlin · 03/05/2014 21:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rummikub · 03/05/2014 21:10

Nice surprise Hmm

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