The Dating Thread 73.

[MadeMan]

Hello and welcome.

dont Don't forget, we still have the option of that island...

It's interesting this talk of not noticing when people are giving you looks.

Last night I was in a pub and was talking to a man (a married man in his late 50s). He said to me "When you walked in here there was a group of lads in that corner and they nudged each other and gestured towards you. I hate racism...I can't stand people like that!" I replied "I didn't notice them but I highly doubt they were doing that because of the colour of my skin. They just saw an attractive girl walk in and were looking!" I'm so glad I had the presence of mind to say that. What an idiot...he's obviously the racist one! Who nudges their friends because a person of a different skin colour walks in in 2014? We're hardly in the sticks...I'm sure they see someone like me everyday

Anyway, just shared that because yes I was completely oblivious to any looks (but apparently they were just looking at my alien skin colour anyway ).

To my mind the looks that say that someone fancies me start with a quick look then a 'guilty' dart away of the eyes when I catch their gaze and then, bit by bit, the shared looks become longer and a little more brazen. It all starts with a smile though. Of course, if I don't find the guy attractive I won't be looking at him so won't notice if he's trying to catch my eye.

If I'm relaxed and feeling open to being chatted up I get plenty of attention - being 48 doesn't seem to matter - I tend to be more smiley and more likely to open up a conversation with someone. At the moment I have no interest in being chatted up so no attention comes my way. I clearly give off signals according to which mode I'm in and a lot of that is subconscious.

MyChild Well the guy you were talking to was obviously an arse... they clearly nudged each other because you're attractive! But it is interesting that it happened and you didn't even notice it. That's quite a big gesture really.

The last time I was aware of being 'fancied' when out and about, I was about 20. Oh and there was a lecturer at university when I was in my mid-late 20s... but beyond that, nothing.

I always look around a pub when I walk in to scan for empty seats etc and I am aware of other people scanning too to see who has just walked in. I sometimes make brief, fleeting eye contact with people during this time, but I'm never aware of someone thinking I'm attractive. Not that it's important, it's just that it came up in conversation last week.

My boyfriend thinks I'm just feigning naivety and that I must be aware. He said that I'm attractive and thinks that lots of men must fancy me. After meeting my friends he identified one that he said it was obvious with and didn't really believe that I'd never noticed! (I still think he's wrong, btw!)

But I can honestly say, I never pick up on any signs. That's why I asked. I always work on the age old lingering eye contact, smiling that sort of thing. But perhaps there's something else.

I must look out for nudging...

Hmm, that is interesting Before. That's the sort of thing I'd have looked for.

Having thought about it a little though, I think I have actively avoided anyone who could have been interested in me.

I go dancing and there was a very attractive man there for a few weeks who looked at me a number of times. I felt a bit self conscious and uncomfortable because I didn't know why and thought he was doing it because I was dancing really badly. Then he suggested we dance together at the end of the lesson. I don't really know what I thought that was, but I left as soon as the lesson ended so that I didn't have to dance with him...

When I have made fleeting eye contact with men in the pub or whatever, I just feel really embarrassed and don't ever look back. I think part of it is because I don't want them to think "urgh! I hope she doesn't fancy me!"

Hmm, I think I might be answering my own wonderings here... .. .

so I need advice and trying to be brave enough to ask. seeing a bloke for a month, in interest of following thread, let's call him Mr sport. met via match. clicked from start. lots of chemistry. he sends lovely messages, more so at start but still lovely. I'm falling completely for him. seeing each other sporadic due to my DDS and they don't have routine in seeing their dad.
I don't want to rush into things but I'm finding it really hard not to say what I feel. I don't want to scare him off but equally want to be who I am. had a shit year last year and even if this won't last I want to enjoy it all. argh! feeling like a teenager is so hard when you are 36.

So Folk turning around what you said a bit - if you went somewhere and spied an ugly bug that you didn't find attractive would you spend half the night looking at them? Nope, thought not. You'd not waste a second glance in his direction...

Jarlin God I know what you mean about being torn between throwing in the towel and being patient. I haven't heard from my boyfriend today and he's partying in the south of France. With all the beautiful people. And I'm in my pjs watching CSI... I'm back to thinking I should just end it because at least then I will know where I stand!!

I want to say to you that you should just step back for the week, give him some space but let him know you're there for him and are supporting him by doing so... But that's going to make this week last an awfully long time

Everything you said about not wanting to appear a paranoid wreck and plodding on are exactly how I feel and I've been told that he loves me and he wouldn't be unfaithful because he loves me. But what's to stop him really? I'd never know. I mean I could be out with someone else tonight and he'd never know. I keep telling myself that, with everything he's told me I think it would be unlikely... but still...

Before You're right, of course. I think I've just assumed that people are looking at me out of a morbid fascination rather than attraction! And so I've not really registered it. As soon as I catch someone's gaze I look away immediately and don't look back! I just feel a bit embarrassed.

The dancing guy was gorgeous but I think he was probably much younger than me and so a no no anyway.

Actually, between dances or when my friends haven't been there, I always go and sit with the older guys (you don't really get to know the other women) literally, men in their 70s and 80s because I'd be horrified if any of the younger ones thought I was sitting with them because i fancied them!

Twisty, twisty, thinking...

dont geekyalike needs to be told in no uncertain terms to GET TO FUCK!! And please DO NOT message the real geeky.

folk you sound amazing. And I bet you are gorgeous and don't realise it because of your upbringing.

jarlin It is so weird how on this thread everybody seems to go through the same thing at the same time. This week is insecure about how the partner feels week.

I can always tell if someone fancies me, but it's easier to tell one on one (as in a date situ) rather than in a crowded pub - when you or they might not want to make it too obvious. Some people just notice it more than others. Others are flirty and available and so give off signals to make men chat them up, I think.

One thing that hurts me is that when Geeky blocked me on facebook, he removed his facebook from public searches, so cut me off completely. He clearly hates me so much he doesn't want me to see any trace of him. But then he liked me on Tinder and I regret not messaging him then. I feel awful.

There really is little point in me dating right now, but I've a book to write.

Toryboy said I was good company and he wants to see me again (even though I talked about Geeky all night!) I'm not interested. He has pretty eyes, but he's not manly enough and I don't like his laugh.

26 year old from the pizza place took my number! Not interested. Too stupid. Too young. Not sophisticated enough.

Author is emailing. Not interested. Too old. Too boring. Too keen. Not sexy.

Westminster guy asked me on another date. I may go. Slightly vaguely interested but really don't care. It won't develop.

ONS guy keeps texting. Also not interested. He disgusts me.

Chatting to one guy on POF who, if he asks me out, I will go. Kinda hopeful for him actually.

But really. What is the point. I feel utterly despondent.

Jarlin I think your last post just sums it up completely for me.

Yes, people do look at each other when they're out and about. But it doesn't mean anything. And I do chat to men, but how do you know when someone is talking to you because they find you attractive/fancy you and when they're just being friendly?

Minime I think it depends on what you want out of this really. How many men have you met/dated from Match? I saw the whole thing as a bit of a hobby and dating/flirting practice. I deliberately dated men who I wouldn't normally have considered, just to broaden my horizons really. In your case, I would just have been really open and gone with the flow, but I've really agonised over this man I'm seeing now because I really like him. I don't like it really. He lives further away that I would normally have considered and he's older, and, and, and... and I only messaged him because I was awake at 4am and feeling brave. Only today have I wished I'd never encountered him because then I wouldn't be experiencing all the insecurity I feel because of him. But then I wouldn't experience the highs either. it's such fucking hard work

You could even just tell him that, that you had a shit year and you're not into playing games, you just want to enjoy 'this' whatever it is, for as long as it lasts...

New member here. I wanted to share my disastrous first attempt at online dating last week with someone as no one to tell in RL!

Been chatting to a guy on match for a month, really liked the sound of him and after phone calls, lots of banter etc we finally meet. Except I was so crippled with nerves I'd had the best part of a bottle if wine. He was driving so sober. I carried on drinking, whilst we went for dinner, except bu then i couldnt eat a thing. At this point there are gaps in my memory. But I remember launching myself at him, full on snog and (oh god why) actually groping him in a public place.

I hate myself and although he's actually texted since then needless to say no second date invite!!!

Good luck all you other MNtters. You're all much braver than I am...

dont Have PMd you

Folk, in my experience, 90% of the time, a man who is chatting to you when you're out will fancy you. Apart from obvious situations where you're with mutual friends or something.

I feel so depressed today. I really do. Maybe I should just let Geeky kick me some more. I can't feel worse. I just feel very empty.

MyChild Thank you. But really?! Do I not just sound like a big fuck up! You're right, though. Counselling is going some way to unpicking much of it, but it's still only scratching the surface...

Dont I can't even tell if someone fancies me in a one to one date situation. I went on a few dates where I just didn't reply to them afterwards because I liked them but didn't know whether they'd fancied me or were just being friendly after the fact. I've since realised that there's not much in the way of 'just being friendly' with someone you went on a date with, but didn't fancy now. In a couple of cases, we were in touch for a few days after the date (one of which lasted for 8 hours after only meeting up for a quick drink!) but I just stopped replying because I didn't know what it was.

With my 'boyfriend' now, I asked him a few weeks ago if he fancied me. He looked at me like I was an idiot and said that given we'd been exclusive since November... You may recall and entire thread when i wasn't sure if I was his girlfriend or not. It would appear he had no such uncertainty... I wasted days, nay weeks of my life, and those of everyone one the dating threads agonising over that one!

This should all be so easy, shouldn't it really. I mean, it's what humans were designed to do. It's our biological imperative to find someone attractive, pair up and procreate. Why is it so fucking hard?!!!

dont obviously we all think you should just go no contact, but maybe you should contact him as you obviously are white-knuckling it and maybe need to see him being a bastard one more time for closure
Have PMd you (just in case you missed my last message which might have cross posted).

Hi Mychild I've replied.

The problem is...what if he's not a bastard and gets into my head again.Then I wouldn't get closure. But part of me wants that

thank u folk I've just bitten bullet and told him I'm falling for him. he didn't reciprocate which is fine and it didn't seem to phase him. he knows about my ex and what happened. from start has said he is after a long term relationship. said no one can promise anything which we have both agreed on. but its what he wants.

I just spend all the time apart feeling like a nervous wreck and very insecure too like u say.

thank u for listening

Whatif Oh dear! I think you really are going to have to chalk that one up to experience! I think we've all done that on a date though.

I've got a first OD story that is mortifying but I've told so many people in RL that it could out me before I've had chance to report it and ask for it to be deleted so I can't share it on here. (but thanks for reminding me!)

But even now, several months on, I cringe when I think of it. I just have to accept that I'll be his "crazy date" story.

Onwards and upwards, hey!

Jarlin I think I was hoping I'd develop feelings for one of them, but it's not happening. Pizza place guy got my number as I was drunk. Maybe I don't have feelings anymore.

Oh What although you might be a bit embarrassed now, you'll laugh at some point, I'm sure! We've all done silly things on dates. And you never know...you'd be surprised at what no nos you can do on a first date and still get a date 2!

dont just thinking about what you posted a few minutes ago. I think I do mostly speak with men in my friendship group, but thinking back to this dancing man, I did pay him a compliment (because I was feeling unusually confident!) and he seemed genuinely pleased and it was on the back of that that he asked me if I wanted to dance with him at the end of the lesson.

I was a bit shocked and I didn't really know how to respond/react so I left instead! Oh well... Perhaps he did think I was alright. We'll never know...