Can a marriage be saved if he's having a passionate affair?

[Truly40]

First time on Mumsnet Talk - but completely shocked by my husband's revelation yesterday evening that he has been having a 6 month affair with his assistant. He is MD of a company, and has plenty of valid opportunity to travel away (and play away obviously!)
We have been together 4 yrs, and have a 2 yr old together and another 3 children (8, 14, 20) between us. He is 50, I am 40 and other woman - early thirties.
We have always been adoring and affectionate with each other, even during the last 6 months - and the only reasons he can give is that he's frustrated at my disorganisation, and finds 'family life' i.e. children - difficult and tiring. the children all get along well, and we're a close family - no step-family difficulties at all. I suspected all was not well, only as he seemed distracted and very protective of his phone recently.
He says he still loves me, but that he loves the other woman (who I know!) and is pretty sure he wants to be with her and the "idea" of a carefree life. he says he hasn't made a decision yet, and that if it had been the other way around he would fight to the ends of the earth for me...
However I've just been reading his texts to her full of "adore and love you hugely" messages, and which seemed to suggest he was going to leave me last night, and asked her to be ready to collect him - however we drank wine as all this was revealed and whilst he told her he was in the spare room, he came to bed with me and snuggled up and said we would discuss further tomorrow.
I have also just texted her asking her to please give us space to work things out, and begging her not to let him leave his family, and to think of the children. All very civil and polite.
Please don't say not worth saving - he's my soulmate, my world and we have a good life together. Yes, I'm devastated at his betrayal, but he's deceiving her also.
What do I do next, I don't know how to fight for someone who is on the verge of leaving for someone younger, prettier, in front of him at work every day, and carefree??

OP isn't ready to hear this yet :(

Truly40, please come back to this thread. I know all the advice is hard for you to hear at the moment, but everyone is here to support you. When you feel ready, come back to us, but please don't feel that you can't come back. This has been a terrible shock for you and you need a bit of time to process it.

Hello all, I'm still here. So overwhelmed with all your comments and advice, and support.
Not in great shape - and just needing some time to get myself together. He has not left, and after some of the very self-righteous, uncaring comments he made on the initial revelation - we have talked all day yesterday and he is in bad shape too. He thought his only recourse would be to leave, however he does not want to and is telling the OW that the affair must end. He has expressed shame, and remorse at his betrayal and the immense pain he is causing. He has been arrogant enough to think that he could lead a double life and keep those two things separate.
We are discussing whether the marriage can be saved, and I am also very aware from your comments that I need to get over the initial shock and tremendous hurt to decide whether I can or even want to stay with him.

The one thing you have all made so clear to me is that I have choices and decisions that are within my control.

I will keep the thread updated - and so very much appreciate your support as I am not ready to share this with anyone close to our lives.
x

Hi OP, glad to see you still here.

So he's crying and regretting it, is he?

How very predictable.

I expect he'll be telling you they didn't actually have sex next. Or has he already said that? He will.

You need to get angry my love. Fucking angry. Hurling plates at the wall angry.

You do not need to be "discussing" with this scum if your marriage can be saved. You need to be thinking about if you want to forgive him for destroying it single-handed. Only you can decide that. He doesn't get to have a say anymore.

drank is right - it is only when you get angry do you really begin to see the way clearly.

He has betrayed and deceived you for the past six months. How can you ever trust what he says again?

Good luck this week. If you can, try to talk this through with someone you know personally as well as Mumsnetters.

I don't think there is anything wrong in the highlight of your day being your DH coming home, it is the same for me. Nothing wrong in your DH being your rock, mine is to me.

However this man has treated you awfully and if you plead with him to stay you Re setting a precedent for it to happen again. You are also setting an awful examine for your children of how relationships work.

Do you know why his first marriage ended?

I'm very sorry to say it, OP, but while this affair may end, I suspect there will be others. He sounds like a man who likes to have a mistress, with whom he can have new, exciting romance and a taste of the carefree life he mentioned.

He's been lying to you, he lied to the OP the other night, he wants both of you really. Think carefully-can you live with that?

I'm an intelligent, strong woman.

I'm glad to hear you say that OP because low self-worth and/or poor self-image are at the root of many relationship problems. The inability to place appropriate value on oneself determines not only how we treat ourselves and others but crucially how others treat us.

the only reasons he can give is that he's frustrated at my disorganisation, and finds 'family life' i.e. children - difficult and tiring.

He fell in love with you presumably not only because he found you beautiful but also intelligent, special. Now the feeling of being revered by OW has made him feel important. And if she's been his assistant then I guess she must be impressing him with her 'organisational skills'.

You say that H has been your 'rock'. I wonder how he describes you?

There is no 'better' for me than this man I adored I can believe he had good qualities and perhaps a certain confidence which now looks like selfish arrogance was part of the attraction. I suspect he told himself you should feel so very lucky to have had him to yourself as long as you did!

He slept with you both, texted you both kisses and thought he could juggle the two of you. For six months. I'm sorry, he is crying now because he's been told he can't treat human beings like toys.

Agree with Donkeys this man has zero respect for you, OP, zero. I am horrified by his lack of regard for you. I'm really sorry.

The inability to place appropriate value on oneself determines not only how we treat ourselves and others but crucially how others treat us.

Oh my God, Donkeys - your advice was so spot on.

Am now starting to think and consider the situation clearly. I asked him this evening what my value to him actually was - and where in any of this had he thought about what it would mean to lose me?

We had the most honest, clear conversation we have had for many years - and he admitted that he had lost respect for me as I struggled with being a housewife and stay at home mum, and that part of the attraction of the OW was that she challenges him, and is very much her own person.

I have given quite clear message that whilst I still love him - he is no longer the centre of my world - and I never should have put him there. And that I have decisions and choices to make here, and I may decide that I don't want HIM.

Whether we can move forward and rebuild a relationship is still being discussed - I have given Wednesday as a deadline. And we have both agreed that the wellbeing of the children is the most important thing right now - and what is in their best interests.

Whatever happens - I have made him start seeing me as a person to be respected, and demands to be valued and who has as much say if not more with where this situation goes.

Truly40 I have just read through your post. I am overseas and have met many men like your husband on the expat circuit. The wives are all intelligent strong women who invariably have had to give up their successful careers to accompany their DH. And sometimes, yes, similar outcomes to your own marriage.

It was good to read of your productive day yesterday. And yes, you do have choices. Never forget you are smart and capable. Putting a blended family together is bloody hard work, and your DH should be falling at your feet in awe at the success you have made of it. You're still the strong intelligent woman you were before, and don't forget it.

It sounds like you need to start asserting yourself a little. Can you/would you be interested in part-time work, to get yourself out of the house, and to have something of your own again? Or to study for something?

And if your DH is truly remorseful, and not just saying that because it's all come out and you've not made it easy for him, then counselling will be an integral part of any recovery.

Are you letting him stay in your house?

ChinUp - I do work part-time weekends only - I retrained as a fitness instructor after having baby. But of course - working weekends whilst DH works 60 hour weeks is part of the problem of us not having time together and drifting apart without really realising it.
I had already suggested looking for P/T work in the week - but all of this is now just peripheral considerations.
Right now - and even this morning is the ongoing discussion as to whether we can realistically fix a very broken relationship. Whilst he has minimised contact with OW (difficult as they work together) and has told her that we are hoping to work things out as a family - he has fallen in love with her.

To even contemplate moving forward together - I will need to accept this happened and know that I won't keep throwing the affair in his face and he will need to accept that he cannot resent me for this 'lost love' he was on the verge of leaving me for.
But at the moment - I very much feel that we owe it to our children to at least try to repair our relationship. Better to say in 3 / 6 months time - we gave it our best, than to break up a family without even having tried.
I'm under no illusions that the odds aren't exactly favourable....

Vivacia - yes, I have given tomorrow as a deadline to decide what we're doing.
If he hasn't told OW the affair is over (at this point, they have both agreed to keep their distance, no texting, time together) or still does not know what he wants - then I will be asking him to leave.

Hi Truly,

I've been following your thread and well done for getting this far, it is a truly horrible time. When my DH had his affair, I found this site very useful and answered many of my questions together with the book Not Just Friends.

We have managed to repair our marriage and it is better, more honest but it took a lot of work and counselling and my DH doing major work on himself and his issues.

Fwiw I think trying to make it work for the DCs is a good place to start but you cannot do this on your own, your H has to be fully on board with absolutely no unnecessary contact with the OW (he has created a very difficult position for himself).

Good luck.

Second the advice to get Glass's Not Just Friends.

I am afraid that as long as there is contact with OW, no matter how minimal, the marriage has very little chance of being saved. If he is truly serious that he will look for another job.

Also you cannot promise that you will not mention the affair again - as part of the recovery process you will need to discuss this again and again for a while.

He made the choice to cheat and betray in you in this way, he cannot dictate conditions and needs to do all the hard work in helping you recover. He will also need to work on himself to to explore what flaws, coping mechanisms, values etc made him choose to behave in this way instead of talking to you, suggesting counselling and investing in his marriage and family life.

Counting - yes, he's aware that he's put us in an almost impossible situation.
I don't understand how you can fall in love with someone else, whilst still being in love with your wife - which I believe, and he's saying more and more how sorry he is and how he's realising he owed me respect, and for how i'm dealing with this.
He is being completely, painfully honest about his feelings for OW - and whilst most may think 'what a bastard' - I respect his willingness to be completely honest about how he feels.
He loves the family, is aware of how many people he will damage if he doesn't make a go of things - and has even said that however unfairly, he's concerned that he may resent me for giving up this OW that he "completely and utterly adores"
That concerns me hugely - that he feels so strongly about her, and that he must put an end to it for us to have a chance. But similarly - i have pointed out that he may resent her for leaving his family and children, not bonding with his kids etc...And that the initial infatuation and intensity of love may well fade for them too.
Long road ahead, whatever the outcome of our discussions right now...
But your post gives me some hope that sometimes relationships can come out stronger following a crisis....

Just read you thread, truly. Its very early after finding out to forging a plan for staying together. And it seems very skewed in his favour tbh. Has he given any thought to taking on extra childcare, what with all his free time for shagging whilst you keep his dinner hot as he's working so hard?

Do you have anyone you can tell? Because he has the luxury of you and the ow to talk to ( you won't know and it will torture you) and you are keeping his secret.

If she is assistant, has she changed roles or left? Because if not, they will be together all day every day just like before. God help his new assistant.

See a solicitor. Get paperwork together. Start to amass a pile of cash. And tell someone. Your mum? Someone needs to know. Because there are no prizes for being really nice and being treated like shit. Unless your dh shouting " you get to keep me!" is a prize.

I'm afraid it is going to happen again (and again) , after all it's happened before, and now. I resent how he is so selfish, it's all about him. Knob.

I'm trying to think how long I would wait for a man to choose me. It'd be measured in seconds. I can't believe that either you or you husband thinks this is a reasonable way to live. How on earth do you manage the next 24 hours?

Is this the pick me dance I've read so much about on here?

and he admitted that he had lost respect for me as I struggled with being a housewife and stay at home mum

So, HE pressured you into becoming a SAHM, to make his life easy and NOW he doesn't like it?

Look, chuck him out, and say that wherever he goes, he needs to be back in your house from 3pm Friday through to the Monday school run -- or better still, if it's Easter holidays where you are, say you're going to be away, and he needs to think about child care for his children.

I tell my young students never give up your job.

Oohhhh, he really is a prize. The one thing you don't want is for you to reconcile and for him to have a face like a smacked arse for giving up his adored mistress. Because a. You will feel horrible and worthless, b. He will give himself a free pass to be a sulky git at any time he feels like it, and c. He will feel entitled to do it, or something similar (or someone)at a later date.

He has to make NC with her as complete as possible. He has to understand that you are the one doing the favour NOT him.

He makes it sound like he just wants to amend things for the children because of the impact it may have on them though rather than what he's done to you and make amends with you??

"I will need to accept this happened and know that I won't keep throwing the affair in his face"

STFU, in other words.

Viv, yes

looky here