Can a marriage be saved if he's having a passionate affair?

[Truly40]

First time on Mumsnet Talk - but completely shocked by my husband's revelation yesterday evening that he has been having a 6 month affair with his assistant. He is MD of a company, and has plenty of valid opportunity to travel away (and play away obviously!)
We have been together 4 yrs, and have a 2 yr old together and another 3 children (8, 14, 20) between us. He is 50, I am 40 and other woman - early thirties.
We have always been adoring and affectionate with each other, even during the last 6 months - and the only reasons he can give is that he's frustrated at my disorganisation, and finds 'family life' i.e. children - difficult and tiring. the children all get along well, and we're a close family - no step-family difficulties at all. I suspected all was not well, only as he seemed distracted and very protective of his phone recently.
He says he still loves me, but that he loves the other woman (who I know!) and is pretty sure he wants to be with her and the "idea" of a carefree life. he says he hasn't made a decision yet, and that if it had been the other way around he would fight to the ends of the earth for me...
However I've just been reading his texts to her full of "adore and love you hugely" messages, and which seemed to suggest he was going to leave me last night, and asked her to be ready to collect him - however we drank wine as all this was revealed and whilst he told her he was in the spare room, he came to bed with me and snuggled up and said we would discuss further tomorrow.
I have also just texted her asking her to please give us space to work things out, and begging her not to let him leave his family, and to think of the children. All very civil and polite.
Please don't say not worth saving - he's my soulmate, my world and we have a good life together. Yes, I'm devastated at his betrayal, but he's deceiving her also.
What do I do next, I don't know how to fight for someone who is on the verge of leaving for someone younger, prettier, in front of him at work every day, and carefree??

I am so sorry to hear of your devastating situation, caused by your selfish husband ,he is a complete asshole. This is a life changing time for you, stick with him & continue to slide into oblivion, or dump him & slowly build a new life surrounded by loved ones. You sound like a very strong person Truly40 & you are getting great advise from others that have been through similar heart breaking events . I think she will get less enthusiasm when she has to feed him , do all his washing & ironing ,all after a days work at his office. You really will be better off without him.

OP this is almost word-for-word identical to what my father did to my mother six years ago. She desperately tried to save their marriage, I think massively to the detriment of her mental health. She kept his affair secret from everyone (as he asked her to) for nearly four months, partly to keep things on an even keel for my sister and I as we were doing A levels and GCSEs at the time, and partly because she didn't want people to 'think less of him' if he did decide to stay. He spent those four months telling her he couldn't decide whether to stay or go, lying to both her and the OW (similar to what you said about claiming to sleep in the spare room while actually cuddling up and having long discussions), secretly hiding money and generally sorting everything out to his advantage, while still enjoying both the comforts of home and the thrill of an affair. It only came to an end when my sister and I confronted my mother because we knew something was going on - only we thought it was that she was seriously ill, as by this point she'd stopped sleeping more than a couple of hours a night, developed an uncontrollable tremor and lost most of her hair. The strain of trying, alone, to keep the marriage going was too much for her, especially in the face of his lying, gaslighting, mood swings - she genuinely thought she was going mad as he was lovely and contrite one minute, saying he loved her and us and wouldn't leave, and the next would tell her he hated her, had never really loved her and just wanted 'a carefree life'. The OW 'understood him' in a way DM never had etc. Our horror about what he was doing to her (not just her side of the story - he then confirmed all of this!) gave her the impetus to kick him out, but six years on she's still not really over it, and I think those months of enormous strain, and the feeling that despite trying so hard to fix things, she failed, have taken a bigger toll than the end of the marriage itself.
Obviously your situation will be different, but when I read the 'he can't decide' at the beginning, I just felt I had to post this and say beware of waiting for him to do so. Other posters may be right that kicking him out will be a short sharp shock and he'll come back, or it may drive him away entirely, but either way is better than being kept in limbo for months while he comes to a decision - presumably while continuing the affair - with you desperately hoping he'll be gracious enough to decide in your favour. At the very least tell people in RL - even if just your parents, or a close friend, as they will be able to give you better perspective on what is actually happening than either anonymous online posters can come up with, or you in your shocked state will be able to manage.
You need to protect yourself first and foremost, and it's hard to do that while you're trying to help, and generally bend over backwards to please, the person causing all the pain and upset.

Sorry for the essay, but hope it maybe helps clarify things for you!

There's no need for him to work out what he wants. By his behaviour he is showing what he wants.

The only way to 'win' at this awful game is to shut down all affection towards him, and boot him out. As long as he thinks his safe option is keeping the home warm for his return, the alternative is going to look exciting.

Of course you don't feel strong and empowered, but you have to pretend you do. You will thank yourself so much in weeks and months to come. Please don't beg or plead, you are so much more than this.

It's very very rare that I've heard of a man confessing to his affair and I'm sorry to say but in that case I do think he's given some really serious thought and intent to leaving. He's just bottled it at the very last second.

Get rid of him, today, and get him to sign up to a generous financial agreement while he's still feeling guilty and before the OW gets into his ear.

Christ sammyad, that's a dreadful story. Your poor mother.

Your poor mum Sammy - I hope her future is brighter and happier.

OP please gird your loins and find your self respect and kick him out now. This is the only way you will find any comfort or resolution after the appalling way he has treated you. Tell your friends and family what he has done and lean on them for support.

Oh Sammy your poor mum , that's really sad. I hope she's coming out the other side now and has a much happier future ahead of her.

I have very little to add to the wise words of the PPs, but this really leapt out of your OP for me:

he says he hasn't made a decision yet, and that if it had been the other way around he would fight to the ends of the earth for me...

Oh, he's good, isn't he? The idea is that you go into full-on Man Pleasing mode to keep him. Greeting him at the door in full make-up, preparing his very favourite meals, keeping the kids scrubbed and out of his hair and, no doubt, remaining extremely accommodating in the bedroom.

Or you could stop being passive and tell him to fuck off to this childless lady and her biological clock.

Seriously, OP, it's the only way you can win back his respect, without which your marriage truly isn't worth having.

How absolutely rubbish for you. Great advice from everyone though so take heed!

I'm a PA. Have never been an OW but have had plenty of opportunity to do so. My ex-boss has me on a pedestal and has always been angling for an affair. We are close but he only ever really sees the professional me. At work, I was no-nonsense and literally took care of his every whim. He confided lots of business stuff. I was pretty much his rock. I often wonder what would happen if we did get involved together. I actually think he would be pretty disappointed actually as I am a very different animal at home.

So... My advice is.... People tell you who they are by their actions. A six month affair during a four year relationship tells me that he does not value you or what you have as a family. Why would he do it otherwise?

Be strong and tell him to find alternative accommodation. Do not falter. Be clear and concise. DO NOT CONTACT THE OW. As hard as it is, rise above it all and be the bigger person. He will leave and realise what he has lost or he will leave and stay with her. He needs to realise that his actions have consequences. If he changes his mind and wants you back you must make him work very hard to win you back. To be honest, it doesn't sound as if he deserves you anyway.

Very best of luck.

Hi Truly hope you're ok, can't imagine how you must be feeling. Look after yourself.

I am wondering, when/if he moves in with ow, who is he planning on leaving his dc with or does does he expect you to stay home and care for all the children including your step children? Where is their mother, is she involved with their upbringing. He makes it sound like he can just up and go, move in with herself leaving all the childcare to whomever while he acts like he has no responsibilities?? He sounds like a spoiled brat!

Is your previous career something that you can get back into easily enough? I think you have looked after this numbnut long enough, he doesn't/didn't appreciate all the sacrifices you made for him, you start looking after number 1 (and your lovely baby of course)

Whatever the reasons for his previous marriage breaking up, this smacks of a middle-aged man used to getting his own way playing games.

However long the gap between the older union that produced his older DCs and meeting you, and subsequent tying the knot, I'd be very angry if I were you at this man's casual assumption that you and 2 yo DS have just been some sort of time-filler.

He has a funny way of feeling 'tortured'.

Please don't go through the farce of entertaining families at Easter.

I agree with pagwatch too. You definitely don't even want to consider covering for him with parents no matter how tempted. he has said you will be well provided for so has already checked out in his head. You are worth more

I just find it mind boggling that someone can have the cheek to not only confess to an affair but just carry on as normal whilst trying to make a decision about whether to leave or not.

What a prize shit! So sorry. I know how you must be feeling but if you can please take the initiative. Don't give him the choice x

Late to this thread but read this please:

Pick Me Dance

Time to wake up and have a good dose of reality! This man does not deserve you, why are you allowing him to have such power over you. He's your soulmate? You have a very misguided sense of the meaning of a soulmate.

How utterly pathetic a specimen he sounds.

Nothing much to add, it's all been said upthread.

I really really hope you find the inner strength to get rid yourself of this despicable man.

And remember, one day, very soon, he will be that sad old fucker trying to pick women up in seedy bars, or think he can get a fuck from his young employee. And one day, one of them will turn round and laugh in his face. And that will feel so good.

I also imagine that there have been many many many of these women. Men like him are incapable of love, except self-love.

And he just sounds like just a massive twat, how can you take him seriously?!! 'Hugely bothered' about hurting you, who talks like that?! He sounds like Hugh Grant, ugh!

Sounds like a spoiled public school brat with mummy issues and massive entitlement schemas.

Hope you're OK today OP.

Let us know how you're going, Truly40. There's loads of very wise people on here who can give advice and support (and some level of objectivity) - and you get to remain anonymous too.

How are you feeling Truely40?

The thing about him 'fighting' to keep you if it was the other way round is such manipulative bullshit. If he was inclined to want to keep you he'd have kept it in his pants.

There's been a lot of harsh sounding comments here. We're all on your side and don't want you hurt further or taken for a mug. I expect you're in shock and feeling a bit numb. Be kind to yourself. You and your dc are your priority not the man child who acted with utter disregard for all of you. Take a leaf from his selfish book and put your needs first.

If there were no children I'd be very tempted to go ahead with the Easter meal and reveal his infidelity midway through. Definitely tell your inlaws and parents tho.

Above all remember: this is his failing, not yours

Yeah the "he says he hasn't made a decision yet, and that if it had been the other way around he would fight to the ends of the earth for me..." thing basically translates as: I've shagged someone else and now I want you to raise your game a bit . . . no, a LOT! Come on, try to excite me, I want to see everything in your repertoire, fight for me like the prize I am and hope I'll pick you. If you don't fight fight fight for me then you don't love me as much as I love you (because I have just said I would fight for you) therefore you deserve to be dumped.

OP, if you had been shagging someone else for months do you really think your self absorbed H would be posting on anonymous websites for help, considering turning a blind eye to your infidelity, begging and trying to find a way to keep you ?

The marriage has already failed