Can a marriage be saved if he's having a passionate affair?

[Truly40]

First time on Mumsnet Talk - but completely shocked by my husband's revelation yesterday evening that he has been having a 6 month affair with his assistant. He is MD of a company, and has plenty of valid opportunity to travel away (and play away obviously!)
We have been together 4 yrs, and have a 2 yr old together and another 3 children (8, 14, 20) between us. He is 50, I am 40 and other woman - early thirties.
We have always been adoring and affectionate with each other, even during the last 6 months - and the only reasons he can give is that he's frustrated at my disorganisation, and finds 'family life' i.e. children - difficult and tiring. the children all get along well, and we're a close family - no step-family difficulties at all. I suspected all was not well, only as he seemed distracted and very protective of his phone recently.
He says he still loves me, but that he loves the other woman (who I know!) and is pretty sure he wants to be with her and the "idea" of a carefree life. he says he hasn't made a decision yet, and that if it had been the other way around he would fight to the ends of the earth for me...
However I've just been reading his texts to her full of "adore and love you hugely" messages, and which seemed to suggest he was going to leave me last night, and asked her to be ready to collect him - however we drank wine as all this was revealed and whilst he told her he was in the spare room, he came to bed with me and snuggled up and said we would discuss further tomorrow.
I have also just texted her asking her to please give us space to work things out, and begging her not to let him leave his family, and to think of the children. All very civil and polite.
Please don't say not worth saving - he's my soulmate, my world and we have a good life together. Yes, I'm devastated at his betrayal, but he's deceiving her also.
What do I do next, I don't know how to fight for someone who is on the verge of leaving for someone younger, prettier, in front of him at work every day, and carefree??

And what about you Truly?

Have you lost respect for him yet?

Personally I'd wrap a bow around him and send this amazing 'prize' to where he longs to be....

Please speak to RL friend relative etc and get some support.

Sounds like you have gained a tiny scrap of respect back from him for being so reasonable

Makes me feel sad for you. Hope you have someone to confide in.

Please don't keep his grubby secret for him, OP

Stupid question but how are you this morning Truly?

He "adores" her like he "adored" you then? I get the impression he's almost been practising. Quite boggling.

His eldest DC will be closer to OW in years than your DS. Perhaps s/he should start to be cautious about bringing girlfriends home to meet Dad.

I can't believe a caring father who has had the good fortune to see the offspring from his first marriage accept his second wife and live harmoniously with their toddler half-brother can be so cavalier about their stability.

So, Truly, he has 'lost respect for you as a SAHM' (To his dc!) , he is 'totally' in love with the 'adored' OW, and even if he does grace your marriage with his presence, you are never to mention the affair again, in case he feels you are rubbing his face in it?

What is he going to do to get your trust back? To make you feel special ? As the rightful wife?

It seems to me, he is absulutely loving this!!! He has 2 women, basically fighting (v calmly) over him, and he gets to call all the shots. What he wants, where he goes, what you talk about; god, he must feel like a titan! your entire worlds (both you and OW) at the moment revolve around HIM! What a prize! Big Swinging Dick!

honestly, where is your self-esteem? Give him something to think about! Chuck him out until YOU have decided what YOU want, and if that is to try to salvage your marriage, you will let him know.

Impressing him with the "mature" way you're excusing handling his appalling behaviour doesn't change the basic facts here. He wants his cake and to eat it and, despite his crocodile tears and apparent honesty about his feelings, he will suit himself first and foremost and stuff the rest of you.

Can I ask, OP, how you met him?

This man is in love with no-one other than himself. And yes, he is loving every second of this.

I strongly suspect that he is not only maintaining contact with the OW but telling her every little word that passes between the two of you.

Your posts are still strongly hinting that you are prepared to forgive him and to continue as before. That's up to you, but you will never rest for a second if you do, because you will be convinced/worried he's at it again, you do know that, don't you? And you do know that he will be at it again. Probably with the same woman, possibly with others.

How many threads over the years have we seen, like yours, she takes him back, he's very very lovely and contrite, and then maybe a month, maybe 6, maybe a year, she comes back and tells us that it never stopped, that despite his promises, he continued seeing the OW.

Oh god, just tell him to Fuck Off

Christ alive and you are still blaming yourself! For everything!

He "lost respect for you as a SAHM" AND!! "I retrained as a fitness instructor after having baby. But of course - working weekends whilst DH works 60 hour weeks is part of the problem of us not having time together and drifting apart without really realising it."

So it's your fault he is fucking someone else because you are a SAHM. And guess what, it's also your fault he's fucking someone else because you got a job.

You are being put in a lose/lose situation.

Can I ask you to do one thing? Try to say to yourself "Maybe we drifted apart because he worked 60 hour weeks."

That would be the first step on your 1000 mile journey.

The next step might be to say to yourself "He fucked someone else because he wanted to and our marriage vows don't matter because he doesn't care about me at all"

And she is his 'assistant'?

Feel so angry for you Truly.

Oh truly. Do you really want to be with someone who loves somebody else?

He's told you outright that he doesn't respect, love or care enough about you to stay faithful and that he loves someone else. Is that really worth fighting for?

You're fighting for the relationship that you had, but that doesn't exist any more.

Did you see that pillock of a 'counsellor' on TV? The one that said the wife should apologise to her husband (paraphrasing a bit here) if he has an affair, because of her part in the 'breakdown' of the relationship?

Please tell me you don't buy that claptrap? Because you blaming yourself for being a SAHM and working at weekends is doing just that!

He chose to cheat. He chose to opt out of your relationship. He is choosing to possibly abandon his family without a backward glance.

If there were issues in your marriage, why didn't he man up and come and talk to you about it? Because that would involve work and accepting some responsibility. This way he has someone who is making it all about him and he is revelling in that.

I cannot imagine how hard it is when you have such young children and I can see why you would want to save your marriage because of them, but he has to actually accept that he is a huge part of the problem and you need to realise that the affair wasn't your fault - it was something he willingly chose to do.

Hmmm: he hasn't been working 60 hour weeks though has he? He's been working 45 or 50 hour weeks and then choosing to spend time away from his wife and children with his OW.
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. You may be able to salvage the strong marriage you once had but you both really need to accept that this has been his choice, his decision and that the ramifications are going to have to be dealt with by both of you. This will need to be a complete team effort and he can't be using the 'I didn't see enough of you' card when he is the one who has chosen to spend time away from you all with his mistress.
For your own self respect going forward, you need to take control now. I suggest the phrase 'I want you but I don't need you, and I will not be treated like this'. You can do this.

I'd change the fucking locks if my DH pulled a stunt like this.

He seems terribly lacking in awareness. And very selfish.
I don't like the sound of him.

So, on seeing you struggle with housework and three/four (I kind of lost this bit) children, he decided the best thing to do would be have an affair with his assistant. Not help more, not pay for a housekeeper, not have a frank chat with you about your dreams/goals and aspirations?

To me, this is a dead duck, because he had an affair so early on in your relationship, literally as soon as the besottedness wore off. Plus he is also besotted now, in his own opinion. Clearly he is a man who likes to be besotted and adored and I don't think you have a hope in hell of changing that and keeping him faithful within the home. He doesn't seem to think he's done anything wrong except hurt you a tiny bit- his need to be besotted for sure seems to outweigh the need to make a stable happy family life or his wife happy.

He almost sounds quite annoyed you aren't letting him run off with his new love. But you ARE his new love! You've only been together four years maximum.

I have a relative like this and in the end, the OW got her man. Sadly he has cheated on her pretty much constantly since, though. His behaviour is extremely and predictably repetitive- whoever said he's just picking 30 something carefree women every 5 years has it spot on.

Why, honestly, are you so desperate to stay with this excuse for a man? Is it for the lifestyle? Are you emotionally dependent on him?

I think a lot of people justify staying together as being "for the children" when really it's something else.

I imagine your 2-year-old would be fine being co-parented separately and the other children are not your joint children anyhow.

OP you won't like this but you're being done up like a kipper. All the emphasis is on what HE wants. Don't you think you deserve more than this?! All this 'choosing' shite, blaming you for the affair and then appearing contrite because OP that's all he is doing: 'appearing'. He doesn't give a toss because he knows that you're going to accept all the shit that is getting thrown at you, you're going to lie down and let him walk all over you.

You need to make him leave now even if it isn't permanently because as things stand there are no consequences for his behaviour. He isn't sorry because as other posters have said, he has the attention of two women waiting for him to decide what he wants. What about YOU? I wouldn't want his reptile hands anywhere near me. Stop suppressing your feelings just to keep the peace. Raise hell. You have the right to be livid and you have the right to throw him out. Fuck all this 'waiting for him to choose' shit. Take control of your life for god's sake.

Truly I do wonder about his comments re family life versus his comments re having the children every weekend or half the week.

It sounds like another reason to blame you ie I don't want a family life with you but I'll happily have one with assistant.

Please give yourself some space even if it means going away (perhaps to your parents for Easter rather then them coming to you) to thinla bout what you want and not what he wants from you.

Given OP said at the outset she only heard this on Sat evening she is probably still in shock.

Assuming his lordship has gone to work and all that that entails I hope Truly can have the head space a 2 yo offers to think and weigh up options. Because you do have choices OP whatever your H seems to think.

I think he's underestimating you.

Truly Obviously the decision is yours and I know you can tell someone what to do until you're blue in the face but they will only do it when they are ready and in effect have that 'lightbulb' moment. Everyone's got an opinion but you can only do something when you feel ready.

I do understand your comment about trying everything before giving up. The thing I will really never forgive my ex for is that would never sit down and try and make it work after I found out. I had some counselling arranged sessions through work but he was too happy skipping off to OW to want to sit down and talk. Unfortunately by the time he did want to talk it was much too late and I'd seen him for what he is.

However if you do want to 'work on things' I do still think he needs to move out. I also think he is being highly manipulative. I don't see him telling you about his feelings for OW as 'honesty' I see it as a stick to beat you with. What he's actually saying is 'OW is soooo wonderful and perfect and I adore he soo much you're really going to have to up your game to compete so I will keep telling you how wonderful I think she is so you don't stop adoring and worshipping me. You will eventually see the light because you will realise just how exhausted you are by it all.

It will not work if they still work together.

Truly40 I think Thetallesttower has nailed the description of your relationship.

It's the "adoring of the OW" that annoys me. It just sounds so immature. So Mills & Boon. He has responsibilities: older DC, younger DC, a wife whom he convinced to become a SAHM taking her out of her career at a key moment, elderly (I assume) parents, and a job as a Managing Director. None of these responsibilities go away if he walks out of his marriage to adore the OW.

Your DH needs to wake up and smell the coffee. Or, as I prefer to put it (excuse me) to grow the fuck up.

Truly your thread makes me so angry on your behalf. I never say ltb but in this case I make an exception. This man only wants what he cannot have and what he can have holds no value to him. He seems incapable of forming a long term adult relationship, and I cannot see any happy future for anyone with him. I am so sorry.

He's concerned that he may resent me for giving up this OW that he "completely and utterly adores".

Fuck fuck the fuckity fuck off then.

It started to sound like some of the advice upthread was starting to sink in. That comment makes me very angry on your behalf.

Your role in this first and foremost is to take care of yourself and your children. Start making plans for when he leaves because if he doesn't leave shortly he will sometime in the not too distant future. You cannot rely on him. Write yourself a mission statement or find a song that embodies the very best you (i.e. strong, independent, resourceful, capable, smart, attractive, etc.) and repeat it to yourself often.

His role in this is to start trying very hard to win you back. By this, I mean he needs to be making plans job wise. He cannot continue to work this woman otherwise everything will die down and they will fall back into bad habits. He won't be able to leave her alone if he completely and utterly adores her.

Also, you need to get to get tough. He caused the problem so pretty much all the action in resolving this needs to come from him. I wouldn't be helping him to be honest. Sounds like he is someone senior workwise so he will be used to tough talking and making things happen. If he cares enough that is... Time will tell.

Please take the advice on this thread. Pretty much everyone is telling you to do the same thing. I was cheated on by an XP and clung on to the relationship in an attempt to make it work. It didn't and I wasted a lot of time and energy. Sadly, I didn't have Mumsnet but I have read a lot of threads on the Relationships board and I realise what I should have done in hindsight. I wouldn't pussyfoot around now.

He needs to want to fight to get you back, he can't do this while besotted with another woman. Beware, listen to your own concerns and instincts.