Can a marriage be saved if he's having a passionate affair?

[Truly40]

First time on Mumsnet Talk - but completely shocked by my husband's revelation yesterday evening that he has been having a 6 month affair with his assistant. He is MD of a company, and has plenty of valid opportunity to travel away (and play away obviously!)
We have been together 4 yrs, and have a 2 yr old together and another 3 children (8, 14, 20) between us. He is 50, I am 40 and other woman - early thirties.
We have always been adoring and affectionate with each other, even during the last 6 months - and the only reasons he can give is that he's frustrated at my disorganisation, and finds 'family life' i.e. children - difficult and tiring. the children all get along well, and we're a close family - no step-family difficulties at all. I suspected all was not well, only as he seemed distracted and very protective of his phone recently.
He says he still loves me, but that he loves the other woman (who I know!) and is pretty sure he wants to be with her and the "idea" of a carefree life. he says he hasn't made a decision yet, and that if it had been the other way around he would fight to the ends of the earth for me...
However I've just been reading his texts to her full of "adore and love you hugely" messages, and which seemed to suggest he was going to leave me last night, and asked her to be ready to collect him - however we drank wine as all this was revealed and whilst he told her he was in the spare room, he came to bed with me and snuggled up and said we would discuss further tomorrow.
I have also just texted her asking her to please give us space to work things out, and begging her not to let him leave his family, and to think of the children. All very civil and polite.
Please don't say not worth saving - he's my soulmate, my world and we have a good life together. Yes, I'm devastated at his betrayal, but he's deceiving her also.
What do I do next, I don't know how to fight for someone who is on the verge of leaving for someone younger, prettier, in front of him at work every day, and carefree??

I was in your same position last year and I acted in just the same way you have done. I didnt want him to leave, I wanted him to pick me. I contacted the OW too, who he worked with.

The way I acted to save my marriage was so out of character and looking back now I see it as irrational. I am an intelligent woman and I was for the first time oblivious to what was going on around me.

I read somewhere that you shouldn't treat someone as a priority who only treats you as an option - sums it up really, but in reality is hard to do.

We are no longer together and my ex openly admits that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. He has made a slower recovery in dealing with what happened and can't bear the sight of the OW he has to see on a daily basis.

You are placing yourself ar a distinct disasvantage by being passive. Remember that he has it all planned in his head-finances/child contact/ living arrangements etc. That all depends on you playing your part- you are supposed to just do as he says and allow him to live out his affair without upsetting him.

Fuck that. Kick his sorry ass out, text her and tell her to get herself to an STI clinic pronto then delete and block her.
Horrible, selfish, cruel man.

I have been in a similar situation to you and did what you are doing.

This is what I wish I'd done - wait until all the family arrive and then tell his family and yours that your going to leave them to enjoy Easter together because you're checking into a spa and don't forget to tell them exactly why.

Then tell him he can move OW in for all you care and see how in love they are with 3 children to look after - you can then find a new job and meet your real soul mate.

Good luck!!!!!!

I agree with others that you need to be very open with both sets of parents. He is depending upon your being silent, embarrassed, co-operative.

what immature behaviour for a 50 year old. all the men I know who have behaved like this were approaching 40. you'd think he would have got over it by now. I think your attitude to the older children is admirable. Are they all his or some your children?

I think in your position I would be moving out with your 2y old (whose house is it?) or making him leave, getting the 2y old into a good nursery and looking for a job. don't hang around to be the doormat looking after the children as he clearly expects

I suspect there's a certain amount of bluff on his part. Either he does want to leave, or he wants to have an 'acknowledged' mistress which doen't threaten his home life with his DC.

Neither of these scenarios is remotely fair on you.

My immediate suggestion for tactics is to sod what he thinks of your calling his mistress and tell him to leave. Ask when access visits for the DC will begin and where you should drop them off. Tell him you will be setting up a new email account for necessary contact. You would however like to keep the Easter plans together and would lie to invite him to join you, the DC and both sets of their GPs for Easter lunch. Would he like you to explain to the GPs that he is no longer living here and why before he arrives, or does he want to do it together?

Wow what power this man seems to have or he has.

You appear incredibly polite and accommodating with the whole situation....whilst he makes his choice!

What do you want?

Can you go and visit your parents over Easter instead of living in the middle of the charade?

I'd be honest with them.

Do your step children live with their Mum some of the time?
Were you 'the other woman' in his first marriage?
Just wondering if he has 'form' for this?

He is an utter, utter bastard, a selfish twat of the wirst kind, an arsehole of the highest order and the loepwest firm of pond life. He is not a brilliant father: brilliant fathers di not fuck the mothers of their children over. Let him get away with this and you give him permission to fuck whomever he likes whenever he likes and expect you to be grateful for keeping you on the go at the same time. Basically you will become his slave, in his eyes.

Let him make his mind up and graciously deign to let you stay as his housekeeper and booty call. Then when he finishes speaking tell him the decusion you have made and what he's to do about it, whuch is to say fuck off and don't come back. Then appoint a solicitir and take him to the cleaner's. Remain cold and detached with him, show nonweakness, do not back down or descend to his level. Treat the contemptible little worm with the respect he now deserves. And remember that he chose this, it's his shit.

I don't see any way other than getting rid of this bottom feeder.

OP, hope you're ok.

Truly as PP have said please do not put yourself through the torture of playing "happy families" with both sets of parents this Easter.

Cancel it, telling them the truth.

Tell him to pack his bags. If he stays you will end up doing the "Pick Me Dance" which will leave you with no self respect and a partner ( if he does stay) who knows there is no limit to how badly he can treat you, you will accept it, no problem.

He is trying to take all the control. He is already dictating to you how access arrangements will go.

Get some RL support. If your parents were due to come from Wales anyway, maybe let them come and he can leave whilst you consider your options (including legal ones)

He is shit and there is no doubt you deserve better.

God, he is utterly self absorbed, callous and revolting. Why on earth is he calling all of the shots here? Snuggling up in bed and telling you he'll decide which woman he wants in the morning?! And you want to fight for him? Why? He's not worth a penny! He isn't sorry, he isn't worried about hurting you, in fact he is utterly calculating (has already thought about child access, timed it with the IL visit). It sounds like he has emotionally detached himself and it weighing it all up in his mind like a business decision: 'which option is most convenient for me? Which offers the best benefits?'

I'm interested to know what he does for a living, although of course you could consider this without actually posting it on here as it's no one's business. It's just that traits such as emotional detachment (his is extreme- he isn't thinking of your pain), self-interest (no consideration of you or the children beyond practical access arrangements; very preoccupied with having his own freedom) and an ease in having affairs (he's not feeling at all guilty, in fact he seems to now be weighing up his options quite carefully as if he were chosing a new car) are often twinned with high power jobs in profit industries. They are psychopathic tendencies that help people with those traits to get along in life whilst trampling on everyone else.

I really would consider if this man is actually the man you think he is, because you seem to think he is wonderful whereas he sounds like an absolute tool.

www5.psychcentral.com/quizzes/psychopathy.htm

All the above - him leaving, cancelled weekend, parents finding out are just the CONSEQUENCES of HIS actions, not your action

This is true. OP, do not think negative consequences are from actions you do to assert some control over this situation. ALL the negative consequences are the result of his actions. I very, very rarely say LTB. But this is one of those. He is a serial offender.

because he got drunk one night and shagged her at a work do. Which turned into a few shags (still okay in his eyes)

"still okay in his eyes?"

Please step back and listen to what he's saying here! He is telling you quite clearly who he is, and even if he 'picks you,' for now, he will do this again. He sounds very entitled.

Are you OK with that? Because that is what you appear to be wanting to settle for.

OP, you've only just found out. Be gentle on yourself (and try to remember to eat).

The advice on this thread, when read as a whole, might be overwhelming and pointing out things that you are not ready to explore. But please remember too that it is well-intentioned. This is a major crisis in your life, and it is important that you deal with it. And that may well mean stepping away (ie him leaving, as you need to stay out with the Dc) to give you the time and space to process what this means, to re-evaluate your old assumptions and to work out the best course of action.

You have choices, and I suggest the first one is to decide how to get that space to think.

Do you have a RL confidante?

I agree with pagwatch's approach, because it puts you firmly in the driving seat.

A woman showing she is empowered and also has options to choose from, doesn't paint herself into a corner, seems to be what makes men tick, it can be a reality check to them.

Being civilised and non-confrontational translates as passive and a "right push-over" to someone with your H's mentality and he will undoubtedly play on your better nature and use it to his advantage.

Show him the door, say "be my guest, the grass will always be greener" and wait for him to come crawling back.

Then you can tell him to piss off, and hope he regrets it big-time at what he destroyed

A "rock"? More like a stinking heap of rotting vegetation.

Trying to hold on to someone who's having an affair is the most soul destroying thing you could do. I spent months allowing my husband to go backwards and forwards between both of us. Looking back he was having the time of his life. Two women competing for him as if he was a great prize. It took me a long time to see how this was not a competition I was going to win. Nobody apart from him was gaining anything. Like you I didn't want the family unit destroyed. I've finally had the courage to start divorce proceedings. It's not easy but I'm getting back a sense of control over my life. It sounds as if your husband is dictating what happens and you're worth so much more than being weighed up as an option

He sounds like an insecure serial man child, only able to sustain relationships whilst things are going his way - any inconvenience and he is looking for the better option to 'make him feel better' about himself! You were obviously a bit of a threat when you were independent and working, why he would think a child bonds given he's not with the mother of his first children, is anyone's guess. What he really meant is a child will tie you down and let me know where you are all the time and prevent anyone else moving in on you.

I bet he is thoroughly charismatic, everyone loves him and he never puts a foot wrong. Trouble is the real guy is someone else and probably even he doesn't know who that is, he is just amazed no one rumbles the fact that he is not all he seems. He is putting himself on the road to self destruct as he is gradually learning moving on and acquiring 'new things' really isn't solving his issues. I wouldn't worry too much about the OW she has got the really raw end of the deal - if he heads over to her she will probably have less time than you did before he gets itchy feet - he is slowly learning its less likely other people can sort his issues out for him. How will work feel about those two being in a relationship? I would go on holiday for a while and let him stew on his choices, have you a really good friend you could steal for a week?

Sorry honey, but you sound pretty naive and a bit deluded regards his character.

You are with a man who has other children by his previous wife, who moved on to you and pretty soon persuaded you to make him new kids and give up your job, to tie you to him. Then, again, he finds family life boring and finds a new, younger model.

Do you see a pattern? He is 50. (I reckon his first wife was his age). You are 40, and you were single, care and childfree. Not content with that he moves on to a 30 year old, single child and carefree.

She will also want children, and what then. He will move on to another (maybe younger?) woman without kids for the carefree life and the cycle start all over.

When this man is in his 60s, and too old for the young naive brigade, he will realize the errors of his ways, panick that he will grow old and sick on his own, and start looking for a woman slightly younger than him, to care for him. He will have "lowered his standards". He is not a prince among men, but a serial monogamist cheat.

Is this man really worth fighting for?

He does not really want kids, and family life. He wants a younger woman who adores him and live for him!

Let him go. See a solicitor, a mean sharp one, who will ensure you get what is your and your childs due.

What an arse. So sorry Op.

Feline. - that is exactly what happened to me. My dh left to be with younger ow, work colleague. I spent weeks begging him to come back to me and our two young dcs. Really sickening no respect for myself begging. I asked him to leave ow and be alone for a while so he could work out what he really wanted, but he moved straight in with her. 5 months later he was begging me to take him back, but by then it was too late for me, too much betrayal, he had a whole new life set up. He carried on asking me, on and off, via text, for next 2 years, to take him back again, all unknown to ow. Most recently was just before Xmas when our divorce finally came through. Think he's finally got the message now! So my point is, there may be some sense in letting them go and they will realise what they've done and come back to you. But by the time they realise this, you may be like me and realise the betrayal is too much. I could never have trusted it wouldn't happen again with him. Hope that helps Op. Good luck.

Wow quint, just read your post. That's exactly what I think will happen to my XH. Once he's had kids with ow, who's ten years younger then me, (I pray they are still years away!) he'll get bored with not being able to behave like a teenager anymore and move on again.

I can't add anything other than that you have been given some excellent advice here, please start listening to and acting on it otherwise he will shaft you financially as well as mentally.

They are all passionate. Or so I believe from reading my ex's texts to his OW. Although I have to say some of it was identical wording to how he used to write to me years before. I couldn't bear the sight of him after that, so threw him out. I didn't actually even want to try to save my marriage.