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Original poster

Can a marriage be saved if he's having a passionate affair?

752 replies

Truly40 · 13/04/2014 04:42

First time on Mumsnet Talk - but completely shocked by my husband's revelation yesterday evening that he has been having a 6 month affair with his assistant. He is MD of a company, and has plenty of valid opportunity to travel away (and play away obviously!)
We have been together 4 yrs, and have a 2 yr old together and another 3 children (8, 14, 20) between us. He is 50, I am 40 and other woman - early thirties.
We have always been adoring and affectionate with each other, even during the last 6 months - and the only reasons he can give is that he's frustrated at my disorganisation, and finds 'family life' i.e. children - difficult and tiring. the children all get along well, and we're a close family - no step-family difficulties at all. I suspected all was not well, only as he seemed distracted and very protective of his phone recently.
He says he still loves me, but that he loves the other woman (who I know!) and is pretty sure he wants to be with her and the "idea" of a carefree life. he says he hasn't made a decision yet, and that if it had been the other way around he would fight to the ends of the earth for me...
However I've just been reading his texts to her full of "adore and love you hugely" messages, and which seemed to suggest he was going to leave me last night, and asked her to be ready to collect him - however we drank wine as all this was revealed and whilst he told her he was in the spare room, he came to bed with me and snuggled up and said we would discuss further tomorrow.
I have also just texted her asking her to please give us space to work things out, and begging her not to let him leave his family, and to think of the children. All very civil and polite.
Please don't say not worth saving - he's my soulmate, my world and we have a good life together. Yes, I'm devastated at his betrayal, but he's deceiving her also.
What do I do next, I don't know how to fight for someone who is on the verge of leaving for someone younger, prettier, in front of him at work every day, and carefree??

OP posts:
willitbe · 13/04/2014 05:59

"he's discovered i've texted her - best go and find out my fate."

No, you are not finding out your fate, go and tell him to leave, you have to control this, not him. Do not go in fear and trepidation, go and tell him what you want is for him to go. If the other woman is telling him that she is following your advice, still tell him to leave. Don't let his indecision be messing you around, grasp your control and self respect.

Jellaby · 13/04/2014 06:03

There is better for you. It's called being respected, and it's sad that you can't see this.

Spellcheck · 13/04/2014 06:08

Silly old fool. She will probably want her own children, doesn't he see that? Won't be so 'carefree' then!

So he is happy to leave you with the DC? Well I'd let him go - don't let him have his cake and eat it. Make him miss you. Of course, by the time he realises what a catch you are, you will have gained enough self-esteem to say "too late!".

If he thinks he can yo-yo between you both he will continue to do so for as long as possible to get the best of both worlds.

He is a fantasist! You deserve better.

MerryMarigold · 13/04/2014 06:10

I think that is the nub of it, Jellaby. I am not sure this man respects women. They can be nice, lovely, sexy, fun. But worthy of respect? Hmmmm....

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/04/2014 06:10

Don't go and find out your fate, tell him his.....

MrsSeanBean1 · 13/04/2014 06:10

Remind him that, if she is early 30s, it is highly likely that she will want children of her own in a few years (no matter what she says at the moment) and his peace will be shattered by a newborn.

Jellaby · 13/04/2014 06:17

If you need the motivation to stand up for yourself, just think of what you are teaching your children.

That it's okay for your sons to treat women the way he is treating you, and that it's okay to be treated so badly by men for your daughters.

Setting an example for my kids is what pushed me to leave. Having my daughters growing up thinking that men cheating on them wasn't a problem, and that they should put up with it was a disgusting, terrifying thought.

TanteRose · 13/04/2014 06:20

What a bastard

So he finds family life "difficult and tiring" but says he'll have the kids half the week and alternate weekend? The OW will scarper when she realises their carefree life entails looking after 3 demanding children half the time, and he will have to do half of the childcare by himself

He is deluded

MerryMarigold · 13/04/2014 06:27

I know. A 30yo with no childcare experience looking after a 14, 8 and 2yo. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Has he actually taken care of them on his own for significant periods of time? Deluded is a good word. Or it is part of the manipulation of you seeing that he is a really great Dad, so you should fight for him.

LoveBeingCantThinkOfAName · 13/04/2014 06:28

Maybe a selfie of the two of you snuggled up would have been a better picture. It does sound quite classic of telling you one thing (baby & give up work ) and then shagging someone who is more like the 'old' you.

Has he not considered she could be a gold digger? Hope he's being careful and not relying on her to take precautions.

HavantGuard · 13/04/2014 06:38

If he splits with you he will have sole responsibility for your 2 year old for half his time. That might cramp his carefree.

Enjoyingmycoffee · 13/04/2014 06:40

OP, so sorry. How awful. You are wrapping up your DH with your comfortable life and the comfortable lives of your children, and that is fine. It's not a long term solution though for happiness. If he decides to stay with you, know in your heart that it WILl fall doWn eventually. A man who can this to his family once, can do it again. And again,

So you I have to ask yourself, do you want to start afresh now? Or do you want to hang on in there another couple of years, for all this to happen again?

What a grotesque man your DH is. Grotesque.

Egghead68 · 13/04/2014 06:48

This man sounds pretty narcissistic:

He lies and cheats.
He wants to have two women fighting over him.
He blames others (you) for his actions.
He doesn't care about anyone else's feelings.

This is not a man worth staying married to.

BinarySolo · 13/04/2014 06:48

What an utter arse. You really deserve better than this. What sort of man thinks it's ok to cheat if it's a 'drunken shag', seems from your post that he didn't even consider that as cheating. I'd be questioning if there were other one night stands.

Not a nice thought, but it's probably worth having sti/std screening as this man cannot be trusted.

If this happened to your daughter or friend what would you advise? Don't give him an easy ride, he's having his cake and eating it at the moment and enjoying the ego boost of two women younger than him fighting for him.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 13/04/2014 06:51

OP you need to take control of this situation. Stop letting him make the decisions and manipulate you. He's deciding your fate? No way! He does not get to do this. At the minute he's having his cake and eating it. OW he can shag and nice wife at home waiting for him. You need to get tough OP as currently he's walking all over you.

WickedWitchoftheNorthWest · 13/04/2014 06:53

He doesn't seem to have normal human emotions. The statement that if you had been the one cheating he would have fought for you is weird, like you are his possession or something. Plus all the lying to you and the OW. If I were you I would throw him out and hope he misses you and his children, but he sounds like such a cold person it might not work

notyetpastit · 13/04/2014 07:03

So sorry you are in this situation. It won't be easy but let him go. You cannot trust him.

Take control by packing his bags and leaving them by the front door.

He is not worth fighting for.

Good luck Thanks

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 13/04/2014 07:09

What you are going through now, believe it or not, is a very common reaction to finding out about an affair. It's a common initial stage, to be scared of him going to her if you kick him out, to assume he will want to fight for your marriage ( he won't) and to think you can somehow fight to keep him (you can't).
The next stage will possibly be hysterical bonding (you have lots of sex to assert your connection and ownership over him) whilst he continues to contact her 'because he doesn't want to be an arsehole to her' and you tie yourself in knots trying to be ok with this.
Next stage is when you start to get angry and think how dare he - but by that point it's almost impossible to follow through on kicking him out and it's easier to just accept that you now have a marriage with a cheating worm who you can't trust. What a prize.

So to answer your question, if it's going the way most of them go, no.

Pagwatch · 13/04/2014 07:12

You are sounding incredibly passive which is rather at odds with your view of yourself as a 'strong and intelligent' .

And all the 'soul mate' , he is my rock' stuff is rather contrary to that too.

I have been married for 25 years and the idea of DH being 'my rock' grates slightly.
We are a team - equal. We support each other
I am not someone who needs propping up, he is not a prize to be won.
When we were in our 30s and dealing with small children and tiredness he told me it was not what he imagined and he wasn't happy.
I told him to go.
The idea of desperately trying to persuade someone to be with me, like I was the lesser of the possible options made me furious.
He didn't go. I suspect if I had said 'please stay ' he would have felt like he was doing me a favour. I doubt ours marriage would have survived that.
Instead he realised that I was just as capable of looking at him and wondering if I had made a mistake.
It should be that both of you want to be there.

I think you should think about your idea of yourself as strong but polite and civilised. I think maybe you just seem like you will put up with crap. He certainly has said several things to you that would have caused me to give him a suitcase.

notyetpastit · 13/04/2014 07:17

Very good advice pagwatch

LookHowTheyShineForYou · 13/04/2014 07:34

Woman, where is your self respect?

Please rediscover the strong and intelligent person you are to realise he is not worth fighting for.

There will always be someone younger and carefree right under his nose. He's only been with you 3.5 years before he decided to break his vows.

I'd tell him where to go.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 13/04/2014 07:44

he persuaded me to have a baby so that we'd bond as a family - and wanted me at home to give the kids stability. I've been properly shafted here, eh?!

I've just spotted that. Jesus Christ. And family life is too boring for him? Despite the fact that he's done it before and knows what it entails? He really is a prize cunt. And yes, he's totally shafted you, and sadly, you will probably accept it because you feel like you have no choice now with a baby and no job, and he will do it again.

tribpot · 13/04/2014 07:45

he persuaded me to have a baby so that we'd bond as a family - and wanted me at home to give the kids stability.

So he's made you utterly dependent on him: the highlight of your day is when he walks through the door. You've become so passive that you actually allowed this to happen -> he came to bed with me and snuggled up and said we would discuss further tomorrow

Are you fucking kidding me?! He drops this bombshell on you and then announces he will be sharing your bed with you and may or may not be making a decision tomorrow.

My guess is that on some level he enjoyed taking an independent, prosperous woman and turning her into his domesticated creature of adoration. Now that he's done it, the shine's gone off and he's looking for his next challenge. How did his last marriage end? Based on the timescales I'm guessing you met him after he was divorced but I bet you if you asked his first wife this would sound like a familiar story.

Your question "can a marriage be saved if he's having a passionate affair?" has, in my view, the answer "Yes. But not by you".

Stop focusing on the OW. It's not a question of her backing off to give you another chance to win this prize human being Hmm back.

BalloonSlayer · 13/04/2014 07:49

I must add:

"great timing to break it to me when both his and my parents are coming for easter weekend"

Yes it was great timing. Clever old him. Hmm He timed it because he thinks that if your parents are all coming for Easter weekend you won't a) chuck him out or b) tell them b) cancel the weekend.

You need to do all three. If you find yourself saying "but I can't!" ask yourself this - when he was presented with the opportunity to be unfaithful, did he say "but I can't!" No of course he didn't.

All the above - him leaving, cancelled weekend, parents finding out are just the CONSEQUENCES of HIS actions, not your action.

GnomeDePlume · 13/04/2014 07:58

I dont think it has been said yet but I do think you should book yourself in for STI checks. You no longer know who your husband has had sex with.

You dont know how many women he had sex with before he landed on this OW. Also if she is prepared to have an affair with a married man you dont know how many other men she has or is having sex with.

He should know this. This is one of the consequences of his 'carefree life'