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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can a marriage be saved if he's having a passionate affair?

752 replies

Truly40 · 13/04/2014 04:42

First time on Mumsnet Talk - but completely shocked by my husband's revelation yesterday evening that he has been having a 6 month affair with his assistant. He is MD of a company, and has plenty of valid opportunity to travel away (and play away obviously!)
We have been together 4 yrs, and have a 2 yr old together and another 3 children (8, 14, 20) between us. He is 50, I am 40 and other woman - early thirties.
We have always been adoring and affectionate with each other, even during the last 6 months - and the only reasons he can give is that he's frustrated at my disorganisation, and finds 'family life' i.e. children - difficult and tiring. the children all get along well, and we're a close family - no step-family difficulties at all. I suspected all was not well, only as he seemed distracted and very protective of his phone recently.
He says he still loves me, but that he loves the other woman (who I know!) and is pretty sure he wants to be with her and the "idea" of a carefree life. he says he hasn't made a decision yet, and that if it had been the other way around he would fight to the ends of the earth for me...
However I've just been reading his texts to her full of "adore and love you hugely" messages, and which seemed to suggest he was going to leave me last night, and asked her to be ready to collect him - however we drank wine as all this was revealed and whilst he told her he was in the spare room, he came to bed with me and snuggled up and said we would discuss further tomorrow.
I have also just texted her asking her to please give us space to work things out, and begging her not to let him leave his family, and to think of the children. All very civil and polite.
Please don't say not worth saving - he's my soulmate, my world and we have a good life together. Yes, I'm devastated at his betrayal, but he's deceiving her also.
What do I do next, I don't know how to fight for someone who is on the verge of leaving for someone younger, prettier, in front of him at work every day, and carefree??

OP posts:
Original poster
Truly40 · 09/05/2014 08:37

I came back on the thread to update as to the current situation out of thanks for the MN support and advice received.
I appreciate the continued 'support' and opinions, but I need to follow my own path here.
I'll bear in mind the 9 mth prediction for the death of my marriage, kind thanks, Anyfucker.
And now I'm bowing out Thanks

OP posts:
Fontella · 09/05/2014 08:46

Can I just say I think the women on Mumsnet are amazing. I've never read so much common sense and sound advice based on experience, in one place as I've read on this thread. Sadly, the OP seems to be ignoring most of it. I only wish I'd known about it when I was going through my shit a few years' back. As for Truly ... I hope she has read every single post here, not just the ones she deems 'support'.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 09/05/2014 08:53

Recovering from an affair is like anything. There are tried and tested ( evidence based) methods to improve the chances of recovery, and there are methods that reinforce cheating behaviour and pretty much guarantee that nothing is learned and the behaviour will be repeated.
Sadly each cheated on person thinks they are treading their own path rather than following a time worn tradition of minimising, hysterical bonding and self blame.
Truly believes that her methods are the best way to recover her marriage. With the benefit of experience and knowledge many people can predict that it isn't, but truly has to discover that herself.
Of course, this marriage could be the exception to the rule, there is always one. I don't think so though.

Ledkr · 09/05/2014 09:12

fontella I wish that too. I can't believe I didn't know about the support on here 9 yrs ago. It would have certainly helped me process what was happening to me and made those 4am wake ups a bit more bearable.
Sorry op that you feel picked on but it really is tragic to watch a grown woman allow a mere man to treat her this way and get away scot free, in fact he's benefited from your now attentiveness and sexual acrobatics! I doubt that will make him keep it in his pants though, not for very long either.

GoblinLittleOwl · 09/05/2014 10:28

Sadly, I agree with Ledkr. She was right to fight for her marriage and has behaved in a dignified manner, which has limited the damage to her family, but husband has all the pleasure and suffers none of the consequences. Two women's lives have been damaged by his cavalier behaviour; and to discuss his PA's lovemaking with his wife, and she to listen to it, makes me feel very uncomfortable indeed.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 09/05/2014 10:34

Truly please don't disappear. You may not think people are supporting you, but support doesn't necessarily come in the form of just telling you what you want to hear. Many posters have been where you are and are just trying to prevent you from getting hurt further.

MissScatterbrain · 09/05/2014 11:40

I too missed the bit about the marriage being 4 years old Sad I had assumed it was a long marriage.

OP, many of us understand your need to fight for your marriage. However he is the one who should be doing all the hard work. Remember that actions speak louder than words.

mileysorearse · 09/05/2014 11:55

If the sad sack of shite does lose his job over his humping the help then I hope the OP kicks him out quickly. He may find that what he has done is rather 'career limiting'.

Lweji · 09/05/2014 12:28

Do you know if he has cheated in previous relationships?

SouthernComforts · 09/05/2014 13:23

I've just read this whole thread open mouthed. I am actually struggling to believe that any woman would pander to their cheating husband they way you have.

I'm trying to restrain myself here, but I want to shake you! Wake up!

Please get some therapy, for yourself.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 09/05/2014 17:00

I know, the DH doesn't seem to have needs to do anything, no work on his part. He didn't even seem to put any effort into ending the affair.

Springheeled · 09/05/2014 17:59

Truly, people aren't saying what you want to hear but that's par for the course- no one wants to hear things that are hard to take on board. Your dh is all over you with all this emotional intensity- it's a good thing to have an antidote to that. As for the stuff about the OW, how dare he. What a charmer to manage to simultaneously slate her sexual technique and put the pressure on you to be interesting and acrobatic in bed! He's clever!

mrsbrownsgirls · 09/05/2014 18:26

Trully you sound amazing.
I really hope you and your husband can recover and be really happy together.
You won't be the first. Good luck

Ledkr · 09/05/2014 18:55

If you believe the bollocks about the sex not being up to much with the ow then you really were born yesterday.
What did you think he'd tell you? That it was amazing.
Personally if my dh was putting our marriage at risk I'd want to know the sex was bloody out if this world!

Poppet77 · 09/05/2014 19:24

Truly no longer wants advice. She came back to the thread to announce her decision and progress in her marriage. This is her decision. It is no longer anyone's business to judge or offer their doom and gloom opinion. It may all go wrong or indeed it may work it out. None of us are experts on her marriage or objective, just the sum of our past histories, which I am sure has made some very cynical and bitter. My step sisters DH had a work affair 20 years ago and seemed to behave in a similar way to the DH discussed here. They are together 20 years later and have 2 more kids. Are the happy? Dunno, but seem to be. Is it my business? No. Their decision, their lives. Would i have done the same thing? No. We make decisions that seem right at the time and sometimes seek advice to help us. Once that decision is made it is nobody's business to do anything but stand behind them (with crossed fingers that our advice was wrong if our advice has not been heeded). So I just think we need to wish Truly the best of luck and really hope it works out for her, which it may. If it doesn't then I hope she will receive the non-judgemental support of people here if she chooses to post here again.

AnonyMuse · 09/05/2014 19:41

Hear, hear, Poppet. Truly: I have PM'd you....

MissScatterbrain · 09/05/2014 20:32

Ledkr - you would be surprised.

The main attraction of an affair is the ego boosting attentions from OW - not the sex. This explains why OWs can be fat, ugly or old compared with the betrayed spouse.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 10/05/2014 09:53

I would be surprised if, while still vacillating between wife and mistress, the twat told his wife that the 'affair sex was a bit vanilla' without ulterior motive.
It rings as true as some twat telling mistress that he and his wife never have sex.

WildBill · 10/05/2014 12:40

Best wishes Truly 40 for the outcome you want. I don't blame you for bowing out. This thread has morphed into people ordering you what to do and getting shirty because you don't follow their advice bizarre!

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 10/05/2014 12:53

Who's getting shirty? I think everyone is here to support Truly.

But support doesn't just come in the form of telling you what you want to hear. Especially on the internet.

BindibachMilly · 10/05/2014 13:24

I think Truly is doing what feels right for her. Many of us have been in her shoes . Some people are definitely getting very aggressive with their replies and presuming that their way is the only way. Truly knows what she is doing. She also acknowledges that she has seen how she has contributed to the breakdown of her relationship. ( She knows that she is not responsible for the affair). Calling her a doormat and predicting the end of her marriage is really nasty. I have seen relationships go through this and come out the other side stronger and better than before. Truly seems to have her head screwed on and is changing the dynamics of her relationship and causing changes in her husband towards her.

BitOutOfPractice · 11/05/2014 14:26

All this "the op doesn't want advice any more" malarkey gets on my pip to be honest.

Firstly if you post on an Internet forum asking for advice, you'll get it. And, the internet being what it is, you don't have the option of just telling everyone to stop when you want them to

Secondly, a lot of people have put a lot of time and effort and feeling into this thread. Which truly was all up for when she was in the depth of despair. Now that she has "solved" the problem Hmm and people are saying things she doesn't want to hear and she's not so up for it any more, those people are supposed to just stfu and go away. Super!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 11/05/2014 15:39

Well I can understand what BindibachMilly is saying, Bit. Yes, nobody can stop you (general) giving advice but, having made your point, seen it been acknowledged with the OP that all is not well... what is the point of carrying on twisting the knife? Because that it what it is, even with the best of intentions.

No, time and effort that somebody chooses to expend on a thread doesn't get a 'reward'. You don't get a medal. To carry on might bring you a thrill if you're some kind of sadist but most people aren't.

OP will probably come back to this thread, sadder and wiser and needing support. Her husband is horrid; she knows that deep down and that knowledge will not go away. She needs to feel that she can come back and be supported again. She must be going through hell right now.

BitOutOfPractice · 11/05/2014 15:57

Most people (I am rolling my eyes at me generalising there!) on this thread, like me, have come back on, said their piece once, and then shut up. I don't think anyone has come back repeatedly to "twist the knife" though I accept that collectively it may seem like that when most peole are saying essentially the same thing.

I am still waiting for my MN medal - I ssume it's lost in the post! But seriously, it just gets on my nerves being told by other internet randoms when I can post and when I have to stop - especially when it's not even the OP telling me!

Anyway, we are in agreement that I hope the OP can come back if and when she needs more support and advice which, sadly, I suspect she may Sad

mrsbrownsgirls · 11/05/2014 16:43

but why are so many here so keen to predict the likely doom of others?
Because that has been your experience?
And as for saying her husband is horrid?
Do you know him?
Good luck OP. You will probably be fine