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Original poster

Can a marriage be saved if he's having a passionate affair?

752 replies

Truly40 · 13/04/2014 04:42

First time on Mumsnet Talk - but completely shocked by my husband's revelation yesterday evening that he has been having a 6 month affair with his assistant. He is MD of a company, and has plenty of valid opportunity to travel away (and play away obviously!)
We have been together 4 yrs, and have a 2 yr old together and another 3 children (8, 14, 20) between us. He is 50, I am 40 and other woman - early thirties.
We have always been adoring and affectionate with each other, even during the last 6 months - and the only reasons he can give is that he's frustrated at my disorganisation, and finds 'family life' i.e. children - difficult and tiring. the children all get along well, and we're a close family - no step-family difficulties at all. I suspected all was not well, only as he seemed distracted and very protective of his phone recently.
He says he still loves me, but that he loves the other woman (who I know!) and is pretty sure he wants to be with her and the "idea" of a carefree life. he says he hasn't made a decision yet, and that if it had been the other way around he would fight to the ends of the earth for me...
However I've just been reading his texts to her full of "adore and love you hugely" messages, and which seemed to suggest he was going to leave me last night, and asked her to be ready to collect him - however we drank wine as all this was revealed and whilst he told her he was in the spare room, he came to bed with me and snuggled up and said we would discuss further tomorrow.
I have also just texted her asking her to please give us space to work things out, and begging her not to let him leave his family, and to think of the children. All very civil and polite.
Please don't say not worth saving - he's my soulmate, my world and we have a good life together. Yes, I'm devastated at his betrayal, but he's deceiving her also.
What do I do next, I don't know how to fight for someone who is on the verge of leaving for someone younger, prettier, in front of him at work every day, and carefree??

OP posts:
mileysorearse · 08/05/2014 14:45

Or the OW finds a very good employment lawyer and fucks him properly. For someone in a senior position he is a bit dim about 'don't shit where you eat' isn't he?

Original poster
Truly40 · 08/05/2014 14:59

He may well have had to leave his position if the affair was known at work, and he had left for her. He's compromised his position and power there hugely. Nice ego trip at the start to snag the young blonde assistant, he admits it. He has said that he will start looking around for other positions in any case.
The OW does not have to lose her job - it's her choice if she decides to leave. And frankly it suited her well enough when she was carrying on with the boss, so she should have been aware of the risks if it didn't work out.
They bear equal responbility for the consequences.
And I'm choosing to look for additional work, so I can regain some independence and achievement for myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Truly40 · 08/05/2014 15:00

And now, I'm off for the evening for a glam night out in London with friends.

OP posts:
noddyholder · 08/05/2014 15:07

I can't see the OW going quietly in this scenario

BindiBach · 08/05/2014 16:15

Sounds like fun. Have a lovely evening Truly. Your doing really well. Smile

mileysorearse · 08/05/2014 16:18

Me neither. She could make up any scenario where he was the aggressor and say that she feared for her job. She has enough texts from him to selectively paint any picture she wants.

LavenderGreen14 · 08/05/2014 16:21

I think OP is justifying his affair by blaming herself, and isn't facing up to what has gone on, and may still be continuing.

OP I really hope you wise up and stop minimising what he has done and stop accepting responsibility for his affair. It is not your fault and you didn't cause it. He now has 2 women fighting for him - no wonder he didn't give her up, why should he when you are saying it is your fault?

Please stop being such a doormat and see him for what he actually is.

Toastandstrawberryjam · 08/05/2014 16:35

Wow. He really has got it made, hasn't he? And the OW is the only one at fault here. Although she isn't doing the dance and was only vanilla.

I'm guessing your anger might hit soon, you were not too blame and neither was she really. He was.

Rebecca2014 · 08/05/2014 17:04

To be honest I found this thread quite amusing, to see an woman fighting to keep her cheating husband! I am sure he enjoyed having two younger women wanting to be with him, I am sure he enjoyed having three weeks to 'think' about who he wants to be with.

That man has not been punished for what he has done to you or his children so what will stop him from cheating again? Have you even got angry at him?

It doesn't matter as in your head you have 'won' but what have you won?

He should have been fighting for you not the other way round. Lot of couples work through cheating but usually the man realizes what he has to lose and works hard to make it up to his partner. So this whole thread has had me shaking my head but its been an interesting read.

Lweji · 08/05/2014 17:10

So, you are hoping that this selfish, deceiving, thoughtless, lying cheater will reform because he is sorry?

What will happen is that he got away with it this time and he will think he will get away with it next time.
Meanwhile he got all the excitement from the affair, now he gets the excitement from making up with you, plus the great sex and renewed attention. And then again. Because this time he knows you'll do your best to see the good in him and forgive him.
He didn't even get to hit rock bottom and truly face the consequences of his actions.
He never left home, he was never exposed as a cheat. He knows you don't want to rock the boat.
You are choosing to believe him, which is interesting. Why? What has he done to deserve your trust? To gain it again?

Rebecca2014 · 08/05/2014 17:12

Lweji spot on but the op from the start wanted to sweep everything under the carpet. The sad thing is I would not blame her husband for cheating again, I mean he knows he can get away with it and even get sympathy so why not?

pausingforbreath · 08/05/2014 17:54

I think anyone who starts a ' relationship' with anyone from work; has to carefully consider what would happen if the relationship went tits up and the daily consequences of seeing them at work after.....
I know I did . Dh & I we were great friends as well as close working colleagues for a couple of years before dating.
It was uncomplicated as we were both young, single and without responsibility .
'We' worked out - but after I got the promotion we both went for ; he moved companies.

Fast forward to his affair - the same close working colleague/ friend relationship we had many moons ago.
Except ; he was in a high position & she was his PA. Also obviously complicated as he was married with kids.

He finished the affair . Neither wanted to work together anymore , she looked for another job and left the company. It 'took' a couple of months but if I'm honest / it made it easier for everybody.

If I was in the OW's position , I too would want to leave. If I had had a whole future promised to me & had the rug pulled out from under me , I no longer would want to be face to face working with that every day.

OneStepForwardTwoBack · 08/05/2014 17:58

I am fascinated by this thread. Part of me thinks the OP is doing really well, holding it all together and refusing to have her marriage and life thrown off track. The other part of me thinks in a few weeks/months she will wake up one morning and think, 'fuck this'.

captainmummy · 08/05/2014 18:37

Yeah right. This guy had a 6 month affair, told DW that the OW was his'soulmate' and that he'adored' her, obv thinking he is some big man to score the new sexy blonde bit at work. Now he's thinking he may have been led astray? And he is 50 something? And a boss?

Sound to me like'cake and eat it' -and op has now'won' the prize, and they will have lots of exciting sex - win/win. For him. He gets to have the stable home life which op will have to make sure never bores him again. And he can carry on, because sure as night follows day, NEXT time he follows a piece of skirt, well that will be ops fault in some way to.

alphabook · 08/05/2014 22:36

Lucky bastard. He has a 6 month affair with his assistant and there are absolutely no consequences. His wife doesn't kick him out, none of his family, friends or colleagues find out about it, he gets to keep his job AND he gets both women doing the "pick me" dance for 3 and a half weeks.

Truly, you sound incredibly strong and I admire you for that, but at the same time I still think you've gone about this the completely wrong way. It's almost the same as if you threaten to punish a child, then don't follow through. He has learnt he can cheat on you with no real consequences and no real fear of losing you. He WILL cheat on you again when the hysterical bonding wears off and life becomes boring again, it's just a matter of time.

alphabook · 08/05/2014 22:39

I will bet you anything you hadn't lost the intimacy in your relationship like he's made you believe you had. As you said at the beginning of the thread, you were still having sex. It was just normal, not particularly exciting, day to day family life. He did it for no other reason than because he could. And now he knows he can get away with it, there's no reason for him to not do it again.

AnyFucker · 08/05/2014 22:46

I have just been brought up short by the reminder that you and him have only been together for 4 fucking years

Jesus Christ. How did I miss that ? There is no excuse for this sexually incontinent twat's behaviour but if he can do this after only 4 years and OP is able to blame herself so effectively it really is just a matter of time before he fucks her over again

I would wager (going off the published knowledge of his MO) approximately 9 months

I think that is what is left of your marriage, Truly. Enjoy it while the illusion lasts. I am very sorry. See you when you get back here Sad

Botanicbaby · 08/05/2014 23:43

OP I really do wonder what your 'D'Hs reaction would be if the boot were on the other foot.

How'd you think he'd take it if you consoled him with the fact that sex with the OM was 'vanilla'? He'd be fine with that, would he?

I disagree that your DH and the OW both bear equal responsibility for any consequences should work find out about their relationship. Your DH is in a position of seniority, don't tell me that the OW would just freely find another job because she should accept the consequences, knowing what she was getting into etc. If he managed to pull such a number on you, the one who lives with him, has a family with him etc, well ....who knows what BS he fed her in the shorter time he'd known her.

I wish you well.

Twinklestein · 09/05/2014 00:00

This is one of those awful situations where a person chooses to get through disaster by committed self-deception. It may seem less painful now, but it's more painful in the long run. The next betrayal will be a double shock: first that he did it again, secondly because the created narrative turns out to be an illusion.

OP - the OW risked her job because, like you, your husband convinced her he was sincere. What must he have said about your relationship that she was prepared to put her employment on the line?

He now has you both in the palm of his hand, knowing he could have either of you if he clicked his fingers. You think he's being honest, when really he's just keeping his options open. Seeing how he feels without the OW. The crunch will come if/when she leaves and he decides it's her he can't live with out. Or he finds someone else to tell his wife doesn't understand him and the sex is vanilla etc.

Lweji · 09/05/2014 06:23

The other part of me thinks in a few weeks/months she will wake up one morning and think, 'fuck this'.

That would be the best outcome.

How it's going, she is going to wake up over 6 months too late and won't be able to divorce him for cheating. At least until the next time he does it.
Which he will, and one day she'll wake up and he'll have fucked her up again by fucking someone else again.

But worse of all will be when reality settles and you'll be wondering why she's still working with him, or about the new PA, or if he really needs to go on that trip or why he's not answering the phone, or if you are being a good enough wife to keep him in.
Beware of the little manipulations to prevent you from having your own independent life.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 09/05/2014 07:32

Lucky bastard. He has a 6 month affair with his assistant and there are absolutely no consequences. His wife doesn't kick him out, none of his family, friends or colleagues find out about it, he gets to keep his job AND he gets both women doing the "pick me" dance for 3 and a half weeks

That's pretty much it isn't it.

The OP hasn't got angry, she hasn't chucked him out, she's been calm and patient, given him time and as a result there have been no consequences for him. Easy!

He's only just ended the affair? Why? Why has it taken another three weeks?

The sex was vanilla. Of course it was, he's hardly going to tell you any different.

Lweji · 09/05/2014 07:33

I'm here wondering if he has actually ended anything.

AnyFucker · 09/05/2014 08:05

He tells OP the sex was vanilla with ow so she will continue with the herculean bedroom antics to hang onto him

It's a good way to pit her against her "competition"

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 09/05/2014 08:17

The sex couldn't have been that dull for him to continue shagging her for six months. Plus, he admitted he loved her.

Ledkr · 09/05/2014 08:30

God this is the most depressing thread I've read for ages.

The lengths some people will go to to keep an arsehole astound me.

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