Can a marriage be saved if he's having a passionate affair?

[Truly40]

First time on Mumsnet Talk - but completely shocked by my husband's revelation yesterday evening that he has been having a 6 month affair with his assistant. He is MD of a company, and has plenty of valid opportunity to travel away (and play away obviously!)
We have been together 4 yrs, and have a 2 yr old together and another 3 children (8, 14, 20) between us. He is 50, I am 40 and other woman - early thirties.
We have always been adoring and affectionate with each other, even during the last 6 months - and the only reasons he can give is that he's frustrated at my disorganisation, and finds 'family life' i.e. children - difficult and tiring. the children all get along well, and we're a close family - no step-family difficulties at all. I suspected all was not well, only as he seemed distracted and very protective of his phone recently.
He says he still loves me, but that he loves the other woman (who I know!) and is pretty sure he wants to be with her and the "idea" of a carefree life. he says he hasn't made a decision yet, and that if it had been the other way around he would fight to the ends of the earth for me...
However I've just been reading his texts to her full of "adore and love you hugely" messages, and which seemed to suggest he was going to leave me last night, and asked her to be ready to collect him - however we drank wine as all this was revealed and whilst he told her he was in the spare room, he came to bed with me and snuggled up and said we would discuss further tomorrow.
I have also just texted her asking her to please give us space to work things out, and begging her not to let him leave his family, and to think of the children. All very civil and polite.
Please don't say not worth saving - he's my soulmate, my world and we have a good life together. Yes, I'm devastated at his betrayal, but he's deceiving her also.
What do I do next, I don't know how to fight for someone who is on the verge of leaving for someone younger, prettier, in front of him at work every day, and carefree??

Truly I hope you are managing to get some sleep, remembering to eat and your 2 year old is biddable while you process everything that is happening.

Hope you managing to get sleep and thinking time Truly.

Take care.

Thanks for your thoughts, people.
I am getting some sleep...
We're in separate rooms - kids are not aware. We've given each other space to think things through, and we just talk for an hour or so in the evening, as to where we're at.
There's still love there on both sides, and we're both primarily concerned about the children - he's made some distance with OW, but obviously seeing her at work.
Still a big mess, but I'm fine and proud with the way I'm choosing to deal with this.
To all those who recommended "Not Just Friends - Judith Glass" - thank you, it's been really helpful.
Someone early on in this thread quoted that "inability to place value on yourself determines how others see you". It was spot on, and I've made clear to him that whilst I lost sight of my value for a while - it will not happen again, and he needs to respect me whatever the outcome.

Regardless of what some think and have expressed on the thread - my self-respect and worth is intact, and I'll take whatever the outcome is, knowing I stayed true to who I am as a person.

Hi everyone first time I have posted
I just had to reply to Fontella and say you truly had a great post and lived that horrible life with someone who showed you who he was and it took someone who took a bit of time to listen to you for you to see how bad things are.
One of the best posts I have read.
And you have gone though the mill.
There are many people who have gone though such painful histories of bad partnerships.
We all learn from experience that makes us richer for it at the end.

Truly please don't give up on your plan of going back to work.

You may need that job.

Fully agree with Basil.

Not only that, but don't give up your weekend job before you have another one.

And make sure family finances are fairly distributed.

Not only that but I hope you get legal advice just in case.

The better armed you are in all fronts, the more you will know that if you decide to stay is for the right reasons.

I think the inability to place value on yourself is very common in sahm's. You get very little praise or recognition, and rarely create outputs which last more than 2 mins (did I really clean the bathroom just this morning?). It's a good way though to learn to get value from who you are rather than what you do, or what others think of you.

thanks for updating and as for the biddable 2yo- good luck!

You posted less than two weeks' ago and it must have been the fortnight from hell. The depth of feeling and the number of posters returning to your thread suggest you have a lot of support here - occasionally irate or frustrated at you admittedly - they're words on a screen but a lot of conviction behind them.

I hope if you get the chance to offload to a trusted rl friend you do take it. Being a strong woman you'll know it isn't weak to stop, take stock, pour all your energy back into yourself.

truly
I've been lurking since the start of this thread, and don't have anything useful to post.

I just wanted to say I'm thinking of you, and I hope whatever the outcome you come out of the other side happy.

Truly - I'm a lurker too and have to say I think you are a strong wise woman and have handled the situation very well. No knee jerk reaction and you now have the chance to think things through. Best wishes.

Another lurker wishing you well! Never been married myself so don't feel I have a place to advise but your story so far shows me a strong, capable woman who is feeling lost and trying to do right by her family. DF is reading too and we both wish you happiness and send lots of love

Good luck, Truly, stay strong. This is the first weekend since the revelation that you'll really spend together without loads of family members around as a buffer. I hope it goes well.

Thank you for your kind wishes. I'm keeping myself busy, trying to keep the anxiety under control, continuing to talk some, and give plenty of space. At least he realises that he needs to start thinking logically about all of this, and evaluate what he really has at stake here.
It also gives me the time to evaluate each day whether he's still the man I know and love who's values have gone astray, or whether I no longer really know him.
If he doesn't even stay and try for the sake of our relationship and family, then it'll be him who'll have lost self-respect and the respect of our children, family and colleagues - not me.

Hope he is giving you the space you need also Truly....

Thinking of you.

What if he stays and doesn't try?

How often is he contacting his girlfriend, if at all?

Sadly Vivacia, Truly isn't going to ever know the answer to that one.

But I very much doubt it's not at all.

Also beware, Truly.

He has disclosed his affair to you.
If you ever want to divorce him on grounds of adultery you have 6 months from the time you became aware of it, particularly if you continue to live together. As explained here

So, think very carefully:
a) if you want to live together while you decide what to do
b) if you do want to try it for more than 6 months.

Truly good luck. I don't think I have much to add that hasn't been said before other than to say that be aware that everything you do or say now will come back to haunt you in the future, so make sure that when you look back you can live with it.

Many marriages do survive affairs, just as many don't, but for those that do the hardest part actually comes 1-2 years down the line. Right now you probably want it all to go away, to have your DH (the version you married not the version who cheated) back. The thing is the version you married has gone. Forever. All you are left with is the version who cheated, and regardless of how he behaves now, or in the future, that is going to haunt you.

So, for your own sake please don't sit waiting for him to decide who he wants. Make all the decisions yourself, because if you don't, some day down the line you're going to wonder why you let him treat you like this, and you are going to walk out.

Today is the next day of the rest of your life so make sure you are the one in control of that life.

Truly, do still feel free to run things past the MN bunch, things he does or says that you are not sure about. It's always helpful to get a different perspective, even if you end up disagreeing, at least you have another point of view to weigh up.

Thinking of you, truly, and hoping you're ok.

I just wanted to update the thread out of thanks for the support and advice that I received from the MNers.

We're 3 and a half weeks on from DH disclosing his affair for which he was on the verge of walking out on me & the kids.
I continued my 'strategy' of being calm, rational, giving space and talking it all through. I've stayed strong, and we've both been surprised by how direct and honest we've been able to discuss all the issues, options, history of the affair, and how we got to this point.
We've been reminded of the long friendship we had before becoming a couple, and that has allowed us to stand back and clear our heads and put all our cards out on the table. It's also allowed DH to start unravelling the complete mess he had got himself into.
A different relationship is starting to emerge - one where I've been quite blunt when needed, standing my ground as to my wants and needs, and making clear I'm to be respected and valued regardless how things turn out.
We've rediscovered a closeness and intimacy and passion for each other which was unexpected. We went out on a few 'dates' and enjoyed each other's company, and realised there's still a big connection there between us.
He reached a lightbulb moment on the weekend, where he said why would he leave our relationship when it is not broken, that the affair skewed his feelings toward me, and he exaggerated frustrations and problems to justify his actions.

He's been distancing himself from the OW over the last 2 weeks, and ended the affair yesterday. She's indicated she will leave her position as soon as she finds something else. I've made clear that any comfort, or concern he shows will just keep her holding on, and that he must completely let go.

I'm aware that this is just the beginning still, and trust will take time to rebuild, and that I will not probably fully trust him again.
But that's okay - because I'm never going to be complacent and assume everything's hunky-dory again.
As long as he and I give commitment to working at it, and maintain this direct and open communication we've found, we might just get through.

And I have started putting together a business proposal for new opportunities with my fitness instructor work, and started contacting old work colleagues for any part time / flexi work.
I have no intention of wanting the 'old' relationship back - this will only work if we both change and like and accept those changes in each other and about ourselves.

Good to know you are doing well and you have work plans.
Keep strong.

Relationship wise, glad things are working out for you at the moment. Beware that people report increased passion in the aftermath of affairs. Time will tell how you feel and it the relationship holds up to the inevitable return to calmer and more monotonous times.
Keep your options open. Many people initially stay but decide to part ways later.
Good luck. I hope you get lucky here, but don't want to see you hurt.

If it doesn't work out, Lweji - I'll be far more prepared for that than in those first horrendous days.
Yes - we might not have enough solid ground to stand on when the daily grind of life, and the inevitable ups and downs hit. But we'll only know that when we get there.

Why is that about increased passion after an affair? Interested in any insights on that one.

Believe me, I've contemplated and analysed every part of this process since the affair, and discussed it with DH. We still had passion and lust in our relationship during his affair, and he has said that OW was not as sexy or desirable as me ( affair sex was a bit vanilla apparently) But it's a more tender and intimate passion, like first dating someone...which is maybe what we were missing.