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Original poster

Can a marriage be saved if he's having a passionate affair?

752 replies

Truly40 · 13/04/2014 04:42

First time on Mumsnet Talk - but completely shocked by my husband's revelation yesterday evening that he has been having a 6 month affair with his assistant. He is MD of a company, and has plenty of valid opportunity to travel away (and play away obviously!)
We have been together 4 yrs, and have a 2 yr old together and another 3 children (8, 14, 20) between us. He is 50, I am 40 and other woman - early thirties.
We have always been adoring and affectionate with each other, even during the last 6 months - and the only reasons he can give is that he's frustrated at my disorganisation, and finds 'family life' i.e. children - difficult and tiring. the children all get along well, and we're a close family - no step-family difficulties at all. I suspected all was not well, only as he seemed distracted and very protective of his phone recently.
He says he still loves me, but that he loves the other woman (who I know!) and is pretty sure he wants to be with her and the "idea" of a carefree life. he says he hasn't made a decision yet, and that if it had been the other way around he would fight to the ends of the earth for me...
However I've just been reading his texts to her full of "adore and love you hugely" messages, and which seemed to suggest he was going to leave me last night, and asked her to be ready to collect him - however we drank wine as all this was revealed and whilst he told her he was in the spare room, he came to bed with me and snuggled up and said we would discuss further tomorrow.
I have also just texted her asking her to please give us space to work things out, and begging her not to let him leave his family, and to think of the children. All very civil and polite.
Please don't say not worth saving - he's my soulmate, my world and we have a good life together. Yes, I'm devastated at his betrayal, but he's deceiving her also.
What do I do next, I don't know how to fight for someone who is on the verge of leaving for someone younger, prettier, in front of him at work every day, and carefree??

OP posts:
magoria · 07/05/2014 20:34

It's called hysterical bonding if you want to have a read.

AnonyMuse · 07/05/2014 20:40

You might also like to run a search on this board for threads about hysterical bonding...

mileysorearse · 07/05/2014 20:52

Really interesting links. I've heard about this phenomenon from friends who have been through it but didn't realise it had a name. A perfect example of it was played out in the media by John Terry and his wife when he cheated with the other players ex.

antimatter · 07/05/2014 20:56

We're 3 and a half weeks on from DH disclosing his affair...
We went out on a few 'dates' ...
he ended the affair yesterday....

so he was double dating you and her... Smile
with both of you knowing about it
cosy arrangement

Original poster
Truly40 · 07/05/2014 21:11

Not a cosy arrangement at all - and he stopped seeing her on any intimate level as soon as the affair was disclosed.
If he'd been able to just switch off feelings about OW immediately, you'd think it was pretty flippant that he could treat someone that way. And he's been honest about how he felt about her - which is something I needed to know so I could make my own decisions.

OP posts:
antimatter · 07/05/2014 21:15

but still meeting her every day at work, several times

he was able to treat you badly - why are you trying to excuse him?

sleeping with someone else etc and you are assuming he is someone who he really isn't

Original poster
Truly40 · 07/05/2014 21:22

Chump Lady article brilliant!
Okay - hysterical bonding possibility is being considered, and stored. Of course there's a bit of the 'pick me dance' - but OW's got no dance moves going on. And time will tell whether there's enough substance to the relationship to keep going when the dancing's stopped.
And we'll just have to see whether the 'skid mark of his betrayal' comes out in the wash eventually or stays there festering away.

OP posts:
Lweji · 07/05/2014 21:25

The problem now is can you trust anything he has said and is saying?
He managed to lie for months.
And you thought things were ok.

The crucial step will be to rebuild that trust you had.
Not the passion in the relationship.

MissScatterbrain · 07/05/2014 21:27

I really would recommend you buying Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends for you BOTH to read - it has helped many MNetters in similar situations ie workplace affairs.

Original poster
Truly40 · 07/05/2014 21:27

no he isn't the person I thought he was, but I'm not the person he thought I was either. So we're both going to have to see whether we want to get to know and like and love this new person we're faced with.

Excusing him and seeing whether I can accept what he did and move on are two different things.

OP posts:
Original poster
Truly40 · 07/05/2014 21:32

Lweji, I trust what he says when he's with me - if he was so intent on leaving, I don't think he'd bother lying about changing his mind, having mixed feelings, then starting to sort out those feelings with me.
Why bother with being honest and open - it's easier for men to just shut down and not explain anything.
Yep - trust going to take a long time, and he'll have to jump through the hoops to achieve that with continued honesty and effort.

Scatterbrain - I have read Not Just Friends, and several other books - helped hugely with sorting out areas that needed discussion, for contemplating myself, shared a number of exercepts with DH, and for accepting there is still long way to go here.

OP posts:
LavenderGreen14 · 07/05/2014 21:32

Truly - you don't know what they are saying to each other when you aren't around.

I think you are brushing it under the carpet tbh and minimising what he did - it isn't your fault he did this. When will you get angry?

MissScatterbrain · 07/05/2014 21:47

Glad you have read it - if he is serious about making it work, he needs to read it as well.

I think you are beginning to realise that recovery is going to be a very long and tough road - and you may still not be with him. Remember that any decisions you make can be reversed - take one day at a time and then a week and so on.

Also he will want to look like the good guy even if it means means lying and self denial. However the lightbulb moment you described is good as its rare for cheaters to get that insight so early in the process hopefully he will have more of these moments and want to make real changes to address his flaws and coping mechanisms.

momb · 07/05/2014 21:55

Truly: I've read and not commented as this is very very close to home for me.
I wish you well, but would recommend couples counselling; relate or similar. It was analysis through this medium which enabled me to make the decisions on how to move forward by which we are both happier. I suspect you both have lots to discuss, lots to air, and your anger is buried for now. Release it in a controlled (counselling) environment. Again, I wish you well whatever you decide long term.

Lweji · 07/05/2014 22:29

I don't think he ever wanted to go, or he'd have done it.
I do think it was always about control, and you are still being distracted by the possibility of him leaving and wanting to keep him in, and winning him.
It's understandable, I just don't think it will last.

mikulkin · 07/05/2014 23:05

Excellent, Truly, very happy for you. Wish you good luck!

JohnFarleysRuskin · 08/05/2014 09:36

"affair sex was a bit vanilla apparently"

It was so vanilla that he kept having it for six months and 'adored' her.
He's a lucky bastard I must say.

Original poster
Truly40 · 08/05/2014 11:25

John, affairs are not always about the sex. This was about attention, and tenderness and intimacy which had been lost between us.
And I actually find it easier to understand an affair where there's emotional attachment, than just some rampant bonkfest.

OP posts:
JohnFarleysRuskin · 08/05/2014 11:29

You sound lovely, Truly. The attention, tenderness and intimacy had been lost between you, after just four years together? - I think he deliberately took all that away. Why did he take it away? Because he is a shit. Sorry Truly. He sounds like a 50 yr old shit.
I hope he is fighting to the ends of the earth for you now.

Original poster
Truly40 · 08/05/2014 11:53

Laughing Smile
He is a selfish, arrogant, reckless shit. But he's acknowledging that, and he's also a caring, providing husband and father, and he's ashamed and remorseful. He's flawed, and he's fallen from a great height.
We did lose sight of each other's needs - but that was amidst blending existing children together, moving house, having a baby, me becoming a SAHM and him taking over running a company.

OP posts:
Original poster
Truly40 · 08/05/2014 11:58

That's not excusing him. He's been a total arse.
But maybe he can be a reformed arse - and that I might be able to live with.

OP posts:
summerbreezer · 08/05/2014 12:05

Truly, to paraphrase a line from Sense & Sensibility: To you, I wish you every imaginable happiness. To your DH, that he may endeavour to deserve you.

Original poster
Truly40 · 08/05/2014 13:16

Thank you Summer. Thanks
I hope he will rise to the challenge of being a better partner and husband to me.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 08/05/2014 13:34

So the ow has to lose her job. You have to change both yourself and your working situation. And he does what? Carry on as normal.

But at least he's done you the courtesy of finishing the affair now. Three weeks after he should have done. That was big of him. I wonder what he told the ow about yours and his sex lives eh?

I'm sorry Truly, you can embroider tenderness and openness and all that stuff around it as much as you like to justify him and your relationship. But at the end of the day, two women are left picking up the pieces of their lives and hearts while he laughs up his sleeve at the two of you.

The ow conveniently disappears. The wife dances around trying to make things right in the marriage. He is, as someone said up thread, a lucky bastard.

To call him an arse does a disservice to arses.