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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

He punched me in the face.

538 replies

NeedAdvice2014 · 12/04/2014 03:35

I don't know if anyone's awake. I am in a bit of a mess, in lots of ways. My H went drinking last night. He has form for being aggressive and nasty when drunk, though never violent towards me before. About a year ago I threatened to end things and he stopped drinking altogether. All of our issues stemmed from his drinking so I gave it another chance.

He started having just one glass - excuses like not making other people feel strange. Then going out when he was staying with friends. Last night he went to a work do, initially he said he would come home for DCs bed time, then that he would go straight from work and come home early. He got back after midnight, O heard him falling around, he went into the spare room.

About 3 he came into our bedroom and got into bed. He lay half on top of me hugging me and put his duvet over us. I was annoyed he had woken me again and said "what are you doing?" He said "I was trying to be nice you fucking cunt". I went to the toilet and when I came back he was across the whole bed and on my pillows. I wanted to go to the spare room and pulled my pillow out from under his head - I did do this quite roughly as I was annoyed. He jumped pit of bed, pushed me across the room and punched me full force in the face. I screamed and said I would call the police and he got back into bed. I could feel lots of blood.

I have a cut on the bridge of my nose which bled a lot, it's still oozing blood now. My nose and forehead are going to be bruised. I am in the spare room and have locked the door, he is quiet.

What the hell am I going to do? Our marriage is over, I am not letting my DCs grow up in a home where this happens. We are supposed to have H's friend and his DC stay tomorrow, I am going to tell him to cancel it. But then what? I think I need to tell him to leave, but I can't afford the house on ky own. What will I say to DCs? And what will I tell anyone, especially work, about the state of my face? I feel in shock.

OP posts:
NeedAdvice2014 · 16/04/2014 19:06

I am really worried. H completed the online primary school application and we haven't heard anything. Friends have and when I compared it sounds like H may not have completed and submitted the application fully. Fuck fuck fuck. DD will not have a school place. I am sobbing, I can't face this on top of everything else. What am I goong to do?

OP posts:
DustBunnyFarmer · 16/04/2014 19:14

Call the council tomorrow and find out what's happened. Try not to panic - you don't have sufficient info yet & getting upset about this unnecessarily would be such a shame when you've got so much else on.

My DS2 was mysteriously lost off our local council's database, which DS1's school claimed was impossible (uh huh?), so we didn't even get the form asking for our preferences. It all got sorted out & he got a place. If need be, don't be afraid to use your current circumstances to your advantage - I am sure the upheaval of having to take your DC out of area to another school would be very distressing & disruptive.

DustBunnyFarmer · 16/04/2014 19:17

By the way, I'm not minimising how you are feeling. I remember the instant sick/blood draining out of me feeling when I realised we'd been missed out.

NeedAdvice2014 · 16/04/2014 19:19

Thank you DustBunny it did occur to me to use the current awfulness for this. Panicking a bot though.

OP posts:
DustBunnyFarmer · 16/04/2014 19:25

Panicking is natural in the circs, but it's early days and there's bound to bit of movement with appeals and people pulling their kids out for private schooling if they don't get first choice. Just make sure you get in early and labour the point about your current circs - sounds like you may end thanking your lucky stars you rang the Police at the weekend.

NearTheWindymill · 16/04/2014 19:32

This is a different issue entirely. OP where we live there was one, yes one decent primary school. Very oversubscribed, church and everything. Get the late application in and get yourselves on the waiting list. Children move, circumstances change, parents don't want to move settled children.

And as an afterthought I know a family who moved into the area and whose dd went to the local "sink" school. She received fab teaching because the teachers had to work their socks off to get any results at all. It was very mixed but she was very happy and ended up at Cheltenham Ladies College.

They are young, you can patch in where you need to and it really isn't the end of the world. If the worst comes to the worst, get the application in for the littly at the right time and the older one will tank up to the top of the waiting list as an older sibling.

Good luck - this isn't the end of the world. Better a screw up at 4 than at 11.

tribpot · 16/04/2014 19:34

Don't worry - get on to the Council first thing in the morning. If the form hasn't been submitted correctly it's unlikely you're the only family affected. Don't panic yet, this may be easily rectified in the morning.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 16/04/2014 20:58

Oh I empathize. That feeling of hollow sick stomach and utter failure. But please don't worry.

My abusive ex stole the paperwork I needed to do proof of address and the medical evidence i needed for the application (for his own selfish & dodgy needs) , and I only discovered this on the last day, spent about 9 hrs crying hysterically, proper collapsing 'final straw' I've failed my child stuff. I want to give you a big hug just thinking about it

So lovely school gave me an extension and the council let me submit a day later too. But they both told me lots of stories of people who'd screwed up more than me (well, stbxh) and had ended happily.

Basically, everyone was so kind and not freaked out by the tense and blubbing mess on the end of the phone. I thought it would all be set in stone 'rules is rules' and 'computer says no' abd 'youve had months to sort it out' stuff... But it wasn't.

I did explain my personal situation, and I think you should too. I suspect the kindness was because they understand that sometimes its not the mums fault and they wanted to help. If I'd said err I can't find it sorry they would have been less sympathetic.

Swallow pride and explain circs. It will all be ok Flowers

NeedAdvice2014 · 16/04/2014 23:15

Thank you very much everyone. Misc that is encouraging and I really do appreciate the hug. I was a blubbering mess when my friend came home but I am able to be more pragmatic now and have a plan for tomorrow.

I got very freaked out today as I went to the park with H and DCs and for a while just forgot recent events in enjoying it. It scared me as I felt I was risking sleep walking back into the relationship we had just because it's comfortable and familiar. I spoke to H about it later and said if we have any future, and it's still if, it's a long road ahead and it will only be on the basis of real sustainable change. The school issue is still a bit of a nightmare but I feel better about the rest of today.

Also H's boss emailed re self certification for sickness and mentioned a return to work meeting whmhich has made me slightly hopeful about his prospect of keeping his job. Trying not to hope too much until more is known.

Please wish me well for my discussions with the council in the morning. Surely I must be due a bit of luck soon?

OP posts:
sykadelic · 16/04/2014 23:48

Best of luck with the council in the morning! Thinking of you!

AdoraBell · 17/04/2014 00:12

Best of luck with the council.

whatdoesittake48 · 17/04/2014 06:14

please stop worrying about his job - you have your own issues. this is his mess to sort out.

it is his responsibility to sort out his job, his boss, his counselling, his accommodation, his doctors visits, his AA meetings, his days with the kids etc.

Do not take on that load along with your own. You are making it too easy for him.

Goog luck regards the school. You mentioned your H might have filled in the forms incorrectly. Was this deliberate?

NeedAdvice2014 · 17/04/2014 06:45

Hi whatdoesitake. I am mainly concerned about his job because of his ability to contribute financially. Plus if he knows he is keeping it he can get a room pretty quickly and fuck off out of my lovely generous friend's space. But I take your point, I am falling into being a support for him and I know I tend to not prioritise my needs enough. I have to keep reminding myself to stay strong, it isn't easy.

It definitely wasn't deliberate about the application, he is as horrified as I am. A couple of hours until I can phone about it, I'm so worried. Plus the bloody cat woke me at 5 so not much sleep. I re read this thread from the start to help me get my thoughts clear. I've come a long way but it's still very recent and raw.

OP posts:
DustBunnyFarmer · 17/04/2014 06:54

But I take your point, I am falling into being a support for him and I know I tend to not prioritise my needs enough.

I think this ^ is a really important issue/chatacteristic that you have just recognised in yourself. I metaphorically pricked up my ears and I am sure a counsellor would do the same. It might be worth mentioning at your first Al Anon family meeting. It's classic codependent behaviour & if you and your husband have any chance of relating to each other in a healthy way, you're going to have to let go of your tendency to rescue and support. Maybe see if you can critically examine this over the next few days & how you feel when you try to "care less"/make him responsible for sorting things out. His reactions might also be quite informative about your dynamic.

Good luck re: the school application later.

sparkybabe · 17/04/2014 08:13

Good luck, op

sparkybabe · 17/04/2014 08:13

Good luck, op

NeedAdvice2014 · 17/04/2014 10:59

THANK FUCK it has worked out and she got offered the lovely school round the corner! Basically the admissions site had a snarl up with the email provider I use and anyone with that email provider didn't get the results. I spent the morning phoning and stressing and then the post came.

I am attributing this result entirely to Mumsnetters' good wishes - fate has no chance against the power of Mumsnet. I am so so relieved, my luck is changing!

OP posts:
NeedAdvice2014 · 17/04/2014 11:03

Also DustBunny I totally agree with your post and now the school stress is out of the way I will do some thinking about this. I'm not expecting the DV service to get back to me until after Easter but I will follow up counselling with them, I think it could be really good. "Rescue and support" is totally spot on and it's not a healthy way to be.

OP posts:
AlpacaYourThings · 17/04/2014 11:05

Brilliant, that is absolutely brilliant news OP. Smile

WTFlike · 17/04/2014 11:06

I hate to think of you in the park with him, with your battered face. It makes me sad.

Wishing you strength.

tribpot · 17/04/2014 11:30

Oh thank goodness for that! All good.

And I agree with WTFlike. Shouldn't he be taking the children to the park on his own to give you some quiet time? He needs to feel the full effects of you being separated.

hellsbellsmelons · 17/04/2014 11:33

Phew! What a relief - so pleased you don't have to stress about that anymore.

You're right - you really have come a long way since the start of this thread.
It won't be fixed quickly though so don't rush into anything.
Think about you and the DC and take things 1 day at a time.
Keep going and keep strong! You're doing soooo well.

DustBunnyFarmer · 17/04/2014 12:59

Fab news about your DD's school place - especially having a clear outcome before Easter.

ThatVikRinA22 · 17/04/2014 14:01

glad thats sorted....one down....

still checking in , just having a few issues of my own at min! but still here....

Quinteszilla · 17/04/2014 14:39

Glad to hear that the school place is sorted. I want to add to the chorus of "dont let him lean on you".

He needs to sort himself out. He wont be able to see the ramifications of what he has done if you keep picking up the pieces, and he leans o you to support him for what he has done to you. He has jeopardized his family in his selfish need to drink. He has focused solely on himself and his needs. Egocentric behaviour is quite typical of an alcoholic, he sees his needs, and dont really see the world from other perspectives than his own. He wont really take in how this affects you, or your children. He has chosen alcohol. You cant walk this path for him. He needs to do this himself. You need to extricate yourself and focus on your live, your healing, your job, your children. Without him. Like he needs to focus on his healing without you. In future, there may be a you plural. Not now.

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