He punched me in the face.

[NeedAdvice2014]

I don't know if anyone's awake. I am in a bit of a mess, in lots of ways. My H went drinking last night. He has form for being aggressive and nasty when drunk, though never violent towards me before. About a year ago I threatened to end things and he stopped drinking altogether. All of our issues stemmed from his drinking so I gave it another chance.

He started having just one glass - excuses like not making other people feel strange. Then going out when he was staying with friends. Last night he went to a work do, initially he said he would come home for DCs bed time, then that he would go straight from work and come home early. He got back after midnight, O heard him falling around, he went into the spare room.

About 3 he came into our bedroom and got into bed. He lay half on top of me hugging me and put his duvet over us. I was annoyed he had woken me again and said "what are you doing?" He said "I was trying to be nice you fucking cunt". I went to the toilet and when I came back he was across the whole bed and on my pillows. I wanted to go to the spare room and pulled my pillow out from under his head - I did do this quite roughly as I was annoyed. He jumped pit of bed, pushed me across the room and punched me full force in the face. I screamed and said I would call the police and he got back into bed. I could feel lots of blood.

I have a cut on the bridge of my nose which bled a lot, it's still oozing blood now. My nose and forehead are going to be bruised. I am in the spare room and have locked the door, he is quiet.

What the hell am I going to do? Our marriage is over, I am not letting my DCs grow up in a home where this happens. We are supposed to have H's friend and his DC stay tomorrow, I am going to tell him to cancel it. But then what? I think I need to tell him to leave, but I can't afford the house on ky own. What will I say to DCs? And what will I tell anyone, especially work, about the state of my face? I feel in shock.

Telling people really doesn't mean much.
My exH told his family what he had done, but then he went on a campaign of threatening messages and attacks in public because I wouldn't go back to him.

He has had to tell people because he got a caution and you kicked him out. News would get out.
He can easily feign regret, as many abusers have done before.

Another hello and words of support for you Need

I fully understand your confusion about how to work out where H can stay because of the impact on family finances etc. Your friend(s) and family members are being stars, I would just be careful of letting other people drive how to start sorting out the practical aspects.
As others have said, your friend with the flat is amazing, but it could all go pear shaped very quickly. It's difficult.

Just take one day at a time and don't try to see too far ahead, cope with what you have to right now and gather your strength.

Hope the physical injuries aren't too painful.

Keep strong need you are an amazing person.
I have been through DV which started with black eyes, being knocked out, hands trapped in doors etc .
It got worse and worse every time and I lived in fear every time he had a drink.
The final straw was he attacked me so bad I ended up in hospital and lost my eye.
This was 17 years ago but it stays with me all the time, I wish I could turn back the clock and I would have left after the first punch but I didn't and I know how hard it is to do.
I don't know what I am trying to say but I don't want it to get worse for you and how your children could be affected.
Look and jarhmene Douglas (X factor) who's mum went through unbearable DV which got so bad one of her boys couldn't cope and killed himself because of what went on at home- heartbreaking! I know this is extreme but it is real.
Stay strong

Chocolate spiders, what a terrible story. Hard to read, but the reality of escalating DV. You are an amazing person. I hope you are now in a happy place.

Wow Need. I'm stunned that so scared, in shock and injured in the middle of the night you had the strength and presence of mind to get advice and then to act on it. What an amazing lady you are. The very best wishes to you for the days ahead.

And for Vicar. MN really is a great place.

I've been following your thread and thinking of you. I agree with others that you should leave him to sort out his own accommodation. It won't be easy for him, no, but he should have thought of that before violently assaulting you, shouldn't he? This is his mess and he needs to face up to it.

I hope you're not in too much pain and the cut is healing. Wishing you the best.

chocolate how awful :( I hope you're in a better place now and need never have anything to do with someone so horrible again

Good lord. I've just read the whole thread.

Need. You are an amazing, strong woman. A wonderful mother and stronger than you know.

Vicar. You really are MNeroftheyear

I wish MN had been around when I was a little girl. And that my DM was strong enough to ask for and take advice. Her bruises were caused by "bumping heads with me"

She finally left and divorced when I was 17. By then the punching and kicking included threatening with a kitchen knife, kicking her whilst pg, emotional and psychological abuse and financial abuse.

I tugged my DP's pillow away last night (we'd both been drinking) same problem as OP as he had starfished. His response "owwww but I'm such a pretty starfishl

Keep going strong OP! Well done you ...

Please, OP, let him sort out his living arrangements himself. Your friend sounds absolutely brilliant, but he's NOT your, or her, problem now. HE badly injured you while drunk. HE chooses to drink. If he moves into your friend's place, he'll be a cuckoo in the nest and there may well be problems - he gets plastered and trashes the place, or he won't leave when he's asked. No no NO. He's had offer of accommodation, so he can take up one of these.

Meanwhile you stay strong, think what you really really want. You did brilliantly during that long long night. Sorry to end on a downer, but alcoholics are always bad news ... and a violent, abusive alcoholic can be potentially lethal.

Hello, just chipping in to say I'm lurking and wishing you all the best. Well done for taking such a brave step. It must feel like the hardest thing you've done in your life but it sounds like you have support from everyone who knows you both. You will get through this.

Hi everyone and thank you for the good wishes. Did ok today I think. H is very remorseful and has told me he totally recognises his drink problem and will do whatever it takes to address it. He thinks the AA is right for him and said he has been thinking of doing it for months. I wish he had. He went to a meeting tonight. He also said he will find anger management. He is desperate to mend things with me but I have kept reiterating that I need time, I need to see actions and I'm not considering any move towards reconciliation without being able to feel that I and DCs will be safe and that I can trust him. That I don't know what that will take or if I ever will.

He is staying at friend's flat but understands he needs to find somewhere else urgently whatever happens with his job. He has emailed his boss about what happened accepting total responsibility. I have said I will talk to her if she would like to - she was my boss previously and we have stayed friendly.

DCs were pleased to see daddy. We met at a playground and then he picked up some things and his bike. I told the 4 year old that he is away for work which she accepts at the moment. He is going to see them as much as possible to keep normality for them. It also gives me time without relying on my amazing friend - I have looked into AlAnon and DV support and there are group meetings.

I am going to arrange to work from home this week, I was only working Mon and Tues anyway. My boss is fine with me doing this when I need to and I am going to speak to a colleague and tell her that I am split from my H and upset so she understands. My face looks a bit better today so I hope by the time I am back at work I won't need to explain much.

The DCs will still go to childminder tomorrow so I have time. My friend will be at work and I am a bit wobbly at the prospect of being alone with my head but it's needed. I am processing as much as I can and getting tearful on and off.

Have just taken two strong painkillers so hoping for a good sleep. I am grateful for all your support. I hope I can carry on getting it over the next days and weeks. I don't want to weaken, I have a chance to break the cycle here and I must not lose it.

You are coping really well. Hope you and your DCs are okay.

I also wanted to tell you about the lovely PC who took my statement. When they arrived his look when he saw the state of my face sort of showed me how a decent man feels about it, iyswim. They did the waking and arresting very quietly because of DCs and the other officer took him to the station.

The PC then talked to me and I told him what happened. He was really professional but also said a couple of times his opinion "as me out of uniform" - which was with all of you. He made it clear that everything was my choice at all stages and didn't try to push anything, and was honest about the options. When older DC woke he was lovely with her and very discreet about what she heard. Before he left he made sure my friend was on the way, and even though he was nearly an hour over the end of his shift he checked if we had breakfast in and as we didn't, went to the shop and brought back a massive bottle of milk and would not take any money. I well up whenever I think of that.

I said to Vicar already we hear all about the bad police but every day there are people like her and that lovely PC making such a difference. He gave me advice on my nose and said he knows as he's twice had his nose broken through his job. The government should hear these stories too and be ashamed of the cuts and attacks on conditions they are giving policing.

Need you are amazing. The woman at the start of this thread was utterly traumatised, the woman now here has shown such amazing strength I am in awe.

Just remember he ended the relationship when he did this. It is up to you if you ever want to restart it. You don't have to, no one would blame you if you chose not to because it would come with such baggage and the risk he might do this again.

You are absolutely doing the right thing and again I am in awe of how strong you are being.

Oh love. )))hugs(((. With love.

Agree absolutely about the police. Vicar is an amazing poster and the officers who looked after you are a credit to their profession.

I'm in hospital just now and feel the same about nurses and doctors. They are just amazing, NHS and police save lives and change lives for the better ever day. The cuts on these services are a tragedy and will make these brave people's jobs harder and less rewarding than they are already.

Its just not right.

It's when the chips are down that the kindness of strangers is most powerful. Thank you for sharing that, Need. No harm in dropping a line to the officer in charge of that station if/when you get a chance. I really hope you continue feeling so supported as things unfold.

Needs your post is so moving.

I agree that you've come so far from the poster who started this thread. We're with you all the way. Have you decided what you're going to do about work? Can you get signed off if you need some time to gather more strength?

You are doing brilliantly. You really are.

I also had an experience with a police officer which really cemented my resolve to break the cycle. He was genuinely, utterly shocked when he heard my story. It was one if the first steps to be realising that my marriage was not 'normal'

Wishing you strength for the days ahead.

I echo what Coffee says. I know I posted earlier about my family and how we ended up having a miserable childhood due to DV. Al Anon can work wonders if you work the steps. He could change with the right help but it will take time which you have highlighted you already know.
You may or may not want to take him back if he changes and gets the right help. He has a problem and i'm glad he's willing to get that addressed first.
I'm so proud of you, you have done so well in the space of two days.
Long road ahead but you have been fucking Awesome!
You need to keep telling yourself that.

Well done and bless those lovely PC's out there. Public services get a real hard time of it until you need them, then everyone realises how bloody valuable they are.

Sleep well.

He may well be genuinely contrite and willing to be the best person he can be.
The problem is whether he will be or not. Only time will tell.

Unfortunately, he has form for violence when drunk and he hasn't been able to stop before. Perhaps he'll be able, as he hits rock bottom. But don't put yourself at risk.

Still awake despite the elephant strength painkillers so have read back. There are loads of posts I didn't manage to take in properly when I was in the thick of things. Thank you to everyone who shared their own experiences, those I fid absorb.

I can't remember who said about the dog that might bite unexpectedly, that really struck a chord. I feel like I have been waiting constantly for the next binge for a while. I know my H and I could see when he was working up to it. I deferred going out with friends in case me being out was his cue to get wasted alone at home - this happened before. I want to know how it feels not to have that permanent worry. And not to be a bit on edge, and being grumpy with DCs and hating myself for it.

I wondered if anyone knows any more about the question someone asked about whether I will be referred to social services. The only person I knew to ask is my H, he said in the region where he works it's only referred at the second incidence of DV (whole separate that) but he doesn't know if that's the same everywhere.

Also to say thank you to the poster, I think Windy ? Who offered help re the job interview. I just have to do the application form by Thursday and then the interview is a couple of weeks off so I just need to get a reasonable form in. It's the job I am doing currently so I shouldn't have a problem with the form. I hope.

Great suggestion Dustbunny about writing to the station about the PC.

I'm not sure about being referred to SS but I wanted to offer you a hand to hold.

What a lovely PC I'm glad you had someone to look after you.