He punched me in the face.

[NeedAdvice2014]

I don't know if anyone's awake. I am in a bit of a mess, in lots of ways. My H went drinking last night. He has form for being aggressive and nasty when drunk, though never violent towards me before. About a year ago I threatened to end things and he stopped drinking altogether. All of our issues stemmed from his drinking so I gave it another chance.

He started having just one glass - excuses like not making other people feel strange. Then going out when he was staying with friends. Last night he went to a work do, initially he said he would come home for DCs bed time, then that he would go straight from work and come home early. He got back after midnight, O heard him falling around, he went into the spare room.

About 3 he came into our bedroom and got into bed. He lay half on top of me hugging me and put his duvet over us. I was annoyed he had woken me again and said "what are you doing?" He said "I was trying to be nice you fucking cunt". I went to the toilet and when I came back he was across the whole bed and on my pillows. I wanted to go to the spare room and pulled my pillow out from under his head - I did do this quite roughly as I was annoyed. He jumped pit of bed, pushed me across the room and punched me full force in the face. I screamed and said I would call the police and he got back into bed. I could feel lots of blood.

I have a cut on the bridge of my nose which bled a lot, it's still oozing blood now. My nose and forehead are going to be bruised. I am in the spare room and have locked the door, he is quiet.

What the hell am I going to do? Our marriage is over, I am not letting my DCs grow up in a home where this happens. We are supposed to have H's friend and his DC stay tomorrow, I am going to tell him to cancel it. But then what? I think I need to tell him to leave, but I can't afford the house on ky own. What will I say to DCs? And what will I tell anyone, especially work, about the state of my face? I feel in shock.

I have just read your whole thread. You are doing amazingly well OP. One day at a time......... One hour if need be........

But................ he broke your face? How would he get off with a caution?

I don't understand either, you can bet your last dollar that if he broke a strangers nose in the street, he would more than a caution.

I am wondering if this has anything to do with his job, op says it is related to police work?

Whatever, it stinks that all he gets is a caution.

I take the point that what I did was provokation NO IT WASN'T. He is a violent man. A violent man who used alcohol as an excuse to hurt you.

The alcohol didn't make him do this, op.

hi OP.....how you doing today?

re the flat/friend situation.
i wouldnt - not for long anyway. a week tops. dont worry about his job right now - i dont think he will lose it. wait until monday when has spoken to his managers.....you were extremely generous in saying a caution was enough.

what ever you decide from here, i would get some independent counselling for yourself.
he has a drink problem. a real problem.
you need to understand the reality of this and be prepared if you continue in this relationship.
you did absolutely brilliantly well to call the police and im so pleased that you did - even with the outcome of a caution.
they have bent the rules a bit there....but if you wanted that then it may be for the right reasons....

please pm me - let me know how thing are going. i wont judge you in any way - so dont be worried about tallking to me.

please take care and stay safe.
you will have some lovely shiners by tomorrow.....

Good morning. Just want to thank you again for all your fantastic support and advice. I am so thankful for Mumsnet, I don't know where I would be this morning without you.

Have had some sleep now and will mull over all your advice. I still feel not ready for any major decisions. To answer some questions, there isn't any family anywhere close on either side. No parents alive. H has told his brother who has offered him a place to stay but that's hundreds of miles away. BIL also contacted me supportively. H's friend lives about an hour and a half drive away, plus I will want the car.

Going to put baby down for sleep, let DD watch a film and think with friend about next move. Please stay with me, it is giving me so much support.

good morning needadvice. Hope you managed to get some sleep. I expect things will start to sink in a bit today, all of Mumsnet here will be thinking of you and wishing you well

Good morning. You have been so strong and you sound very together this morning. Your children are lucky to have you.

I think that you should let DH organise himself with regards to accommodation etc. He needs to accept full responsibility for where drinking has led him and he needs the hard work of sorting everything out. You said right at the start that you had threatened to leave a year ago over his drinking, so he has had fair warning. You have been more than fair with him.
With regards to work and questions, I would be tempted to just tell the truth, if asked. Then you set the record straight and stop gossip. But no-one would blame you for staying off work for a few days - it's a 4 day week anyway, do you get sick pay? It would help get you organised.
Best wishes.

I'm really glad to hear that his friend and brother are taking this seriously and being supportive of you.

It seems to me that as long as your DH is committed to giving you the space you need, for your and your DCs' safety and so you can think things over, you don't need to make major decisions yet. You made the one major decision that had to be made.

I know things must feel really strange and painful and disorienting, but I think you're doing such a great job of dealing with everything.

As others have said, I would use friends offer of him staying in her flat for a week max. Your friend sounds like she is being amazing but you are going to need her support more than ever over the coming weeks/months so don't do anything that could put a strain on the friendship. Surely your h could stay with his friend for a few days until he sorts something else out? Even if his friend is disgusted with him, he must want to help him get better?

He may also have the option of taking emergency leave from work - which would mean that he could fuck off to bil's for a while and give you the space you may well need.

But this isn't something for you/your friend to worry about. He did this, not you - you are not responsible for him in any way, shape or form. Please, please don't give this bit head space - you have more than enough on your plate without worrying about this as well.

How is the pain today? Did a&e give you something nice and strong?

SORRY, wong thread
But while im here wishing you much strength

Grr' wrote a really long post and it got gobbled.

In summary -
Try not to spend too much time concerned with his needs, or his rights, or his sleeping arrangements, or his remorse, or his reasons, or his work.

In my experience (child of deceased alcoholic) the whole family unconsciously learns to revolve around the alcoholic and what the alcoholic needs. It's a pretty miserable existence for a child to see their mother bend over backwards to try and 'fix' the family and keep everyone together while glossing over violence, tension, fear, property damage, verbal abuse.

I grew up thinking it was perfectly understandable that my father would beat up mother and older brothers because he had a horrible childhood. The trauma that we felt at seeing our mother beaten up was entirely minimised. He was never, ever expected to own his actions or take any responsibility for his behaviors. WE were expected to take responsibility for him - not angering him, not annoying him, never commenting on his behavior. My mother would get exceptionally angry with us when we didn't fall along with her agreed family script and frequently blamed us for his rages.

Someone upthread said the dog to be afraid of was the one that bit every so often - so true. It is like living with an unexploded bomb. It makes for very anxious children who can grow up into very anxious adults. Amongst my 6 adult siblings we have experienced 2x eating disorders, 2x alcoholism.

Good counsellors won't counsel couples where there has been DV. You talk about rebuilding the trust - remember your first priority is to keep you and your babies safe. You are under no obligation to reinstate a relationship with this person. If you have come from a similar background it may be comforting and familiar and powerful to feel you forgive this person, because that's what should happen, because that's what you have learned. The fact that you slightly agreed with mad Barbara that you 'provoked' your husband is worrying - it suggests you think you should/shouldn't do certain things to keep him placid. Have you ever considered individual counseling for yourself?

You have no control over his behaviors, past, present, or future. You couldn't control what happened in the past, and you have absolutely no control over what he does/doesn't do in the future. He can't promise he won't do this again, and you can't believe that he won't do this again. Sorry doesn't really cut it.

I have such admiration for you as a super role model for your kids. You are fab.
Vicar, you are amazing.

Agree with pps who have said leave him to sort out his own accommodation. You and your friend are the last people he should be expecting help from. Plus it might muddy the waters re how your friend continues to deal with the situation.

Wishing you continued strength.

Just read this whole thread. You poor, poor woman. You've been so brave throughout, you're an inspiration OP. Gentle hugs and I hope you get some rest today.

As usual Vicar, your advice and help has been invaluable.

And with regards to your H... don't let his mess be your responsibility. HE caused this, you don't need to be stressing about where he's going to go. Fuck him.

Another who has just read this whole thread. Jeez! YOu have been through it. You are so strong and I admire your attitude. The only thing I will suggest is to keep it up. There is no going back from a punch in the face.

My dad battered my mother in front of me when I was 9. She stayed. I think there was a few other beatings that we never witnessed.
He always had that hold over her and we all lived in total fear that he would do it again.
We could never relax.
I was terrified of him and I really resented her for not leaving. I wish she had left.
We would all have had such a better life. My Dad would have been a better parent and we would have not lived our life in fear.

By all means he should counselling in order for him to be a better person but please do not entertain the idea of taking him back. I implore you. You both need a permanent separation and take it from there.

Stay strong. You are amazing!

I've just read the whole thread through & just wanted to post my support too.
Also to agree with what others have said about your friend's flat. One or two weeks at the most but if your friend will be staying with you, will that give you time alone to think about what you want?

Another one here who wishes their stepmother had left their violent drinking father. My mother ran away with me as a baby after one too many last straws, fortunately. My stepmother just took it. As a result she has little relationship with her own son, my stepbrother, who was also subject to bullying & violence from my father & who can't quite forgive her. We're a family of eating disorders, anxiety disorders etc too.

I know it's much too soon to even think about the wider picture yet, but when you get there, PLEASE consider dropping the dead weight & making a new, safe, peaceful life for you & your DCs without this loose cannon in the building. With all the handwringing & remorse in the world, they don't change, in my (obviously subjective) experience.

Stay strong, op. You are awesome & you will survive & thrive once you're out from under the pressure of this stressful situation.

I'm curious OP about what your husband has actually said. Obviously you may not want to share, but as I was reading your thread in the early hours, at the time, I was thinking, "how will he feel in the morning? How will he act when he next sees you?".

You poor thing!! So
So sorry to hear that, I have been in a violent relationship. Give me a pm if you want to talk xx

Just read the thread, OP, you've been so strong and you've had such excellent advice from people on this thread, esp Vicar and the nightshift. Thank heavens you have such a good friend to support you in RL, too.

I agree with everyone else that H should only stay in your friend's flat for a week or so. Aside from the fact that she will probably regret her extremely generous offer of swapping her peaceful home for a busy family one, it sends out the message to your H of its being a temporary arrangement, with the ultimate aim of his returning home. I think that in view of what happened the other night, even if you do end up taking him back you shouldn't rush it. For a start, he needs to get dry before you even entertain him back in the family home, through a proper programme- not just giving up and subsequently deciding he can handle the odd half so as not to make others feel strange. And I should think he will need some sort of help with his violence. So it's not going to be a quick fix, however it ends up.

When he briefly gave up drinking a year ago, was he the model husband? Or at least a nice one to have around?

Glad to hear you're getting such good support from your friend OP. Your DH is not your responsibility, he is responsible for his actions.

The fact that he has told his brother and friend -and they have sent messages of support- suggests that he is horrified by what he has done. Let him be horrified, let him have time to mull this over good and proper. Also, let him sort out his own arrangements... to help him is a form of interaction that he doesn't deserve at the moment. Let his conscience be his only friend until he has worked out that drink, and he, don't belong together. Only then will you be able to make an informed decision about what basis your future relationship with him will be.

Much respect to you; you had very good advice and were strong enough to take it.