He punched me in the face.

[NeedAdvice2014]

I don't know if anyone's awake. I am in a bit of a mess, in lots of ways. My H went drinking last night. He has form for being aggressive and nasty when drunk, though never violent towards me before. About a year ago I threatened to end things and he stopped drinking altogether. All of our issues stemmed from his drinking so I gave it another chance.

He started having just one glass - excuses like not making other people feel strange. Then going out when he was staying with friends. Last night he went to a work do, initially he said he would come home for DCs bed time, then that he would go straight from work and come home early. He got back after midnight, O heard him falling around, he went into the spare room.

About 3 he came into our bedroom and got into bed. He lay half on top of me hugging me and put his duvet over us. I was annoyed he had woken me again and said "what are you doing?" He said "I was trying to be nice you fucking cunt". I went to the toilet and when I came back he was across the whole bed and on my pillows. I wanted to go to the spare room and pulled my pillow out from under his head - I did do this quite roughly as I was annoyed. He jumped pit of bed, pushed me across the room and punched me full force in the face. I screamed and said I would call the police and he got back into bed. I could feel lots of blood.

I have a cut on the bridge of my nose which bled a lot, it's still oozing blood now. My nose and forehead are going to be bruised. I am in the spare room and have locked the door, he is quiet.

What the hell am I going to do? Our marriage is over, I am not letting my DCs grow up in a home where this happens. We are supposed to have H's friend and his DC stay tomorrow, I am going to tell him to cancel it. But then what? I think I need to tell him to leave, but I can't afford the house on ky own. What will I say to DCs? And what will I tell anyone, especially work, about the state of my face? I feel in shock.

How are things this morning Need? Hand holding here too. You've immediately and independently taken the steps to ensure the children are safe and not exposed to a DV environment, that's what SS will want to know. I suspect you'll get the same answer you're getting here: bravo.

Hope the painkillers are starting to help

Another checking in, hope that you are well Need

Thank you for the check ins, it's really good to know you are still out there now the dust has settled. I would like to tell you how I've been doing and ask you to tell me if you think I'm doing the right things.

I rang Al Anon yesterday and found out about meetings, I'm going to go to one on Saturday afternoon and asked H to have the DCs every week then so I can do that. I rang the DV helpline and git a bit annoyed with that - the woman I spoke to said "he has risked losing you" and I felt there was an assumption in that that we were still together. That wasn't what I had said and I felt it was unhelpful. After feeling annoyed about that for a bit I rang the local DV service which the PC told me about and decided to go and see them for an assessment. I got a bit annoyed there too (in a generally angry mood yesterday) because it was in a large community centre and there are no signs so I had to go to the man at the desk feeling really conscious of my bandaged nose and black eyes and say hi, I'm looking for the domestic violence service. I mean would it kill them to put up a sign?

Anyway the worker there was very nice and the assessment was sensitive and not too traumatic. She has made a referral for me to get counselling which will take up to two weeks but I will also get a case worker who will get in touch sooner. Then I got urgent work done amd started my job application and H picked DCs up from childminder and stayed to put them to bed. He went to AA and friend and I watched laughably dreadful film and ate chocolates. Then first good night sleep for a while.

Today I went to Jobcentre to find about benefits but it was shut all morning. I rang H to come and talk. We had coffee then came back to house as I needed to be by phone in case work called. I said I didn't want to discuss reconciliation but did want to talk about how our relationship has been amd how that had been for DCs. I said a lot of things I have never said and was quite ruthless in being honest. I gave him blow by blow details of how he has been when drunk on specific occasions in the past. I told him I was scared to raise worries about his drinking with him. When he started talking about the future I told him that I was not ready to consider it. Then I did work and he did laundry ironing and sorted out dinner. He collected DCs and now they are in bed he has gone to an AA meeting. Tomorrow I have asked him to take both DCs out for a substantial chunk of time so I cam finish my job application. Friend is out with work colleagues for a bit this evening so I may do some application now and see if I cam have a bit of free time tomorrow - not working, doing application or housework just seeing what happens if I have some time to think.

The DCs seem fine and as usual.

Please can you let me know from an outside perspective, am I doing the right things? Should I be keeping more distance with H? It felt right today to talk, it was a bit spur of the moment but I felt good about getting some things said. I am a bit worried about getting too comfortable in a back to normal sort of way, at times I still feel really overwhelmed at how much is going on. I do read all your posts and think about what everyone is saying to me. Any thoughts now would be very welcome.

I think how you are approaching is not wrong. Whether it is the best way or not, I think you will have to be the judge of that.

On one hand, you are quite right not to talk about reconciliation, and talk about the relationship.
On the other hand, at the moment there is no reason to keep him completely away from you all. If he can contribute to work at home and child care is not a bad thing. You must be careful not to let it become his way in.

I agree with Lweji, OP.

I'm glad to hear you have been out and about.

The community centre probably dont want a sign in case people don't want others to know that they are going into a DV area, but it can be hard telling someone if you aren't ready to talk about it. It's a tough call.

Just here for handholding, Need. I've never been in your shoes, but it sounds like you are taking positive steps to get the support you need and are holding H to account. I guess the practical support is helpful, but listen to your instincts if you feel he's pushing for more.

With regards to the local DV centre, it might be helpful to feed back your experience and suggest better signage or maybe a neutral phrase/term that first time visitors can use at reception to get directions. Having run a different type of service in a previous job, I'd say that kind of specific feedback really helps to fine tune the service so it works better for future users.

In terms of benefits, you apply over the phone if its for JObseekers allowance or income support.

If its for housing, most council websites take applications online too

I've no personal experience of any of this. I'd just say be careful not to let him back in via complacence and comfort. He has a long journey and a lot of proving to do before he can expect forgiveness although I think forgiveness is easier than forgetting.

I think you also need to let him prove himself but be secure that he has and if you make a wrong decision it will have been right for you at the time and if it then doesn't work out there will have been nothing wrong in trying and no need to feel embarassed to come back an fess up and need help and support again which will be offered in shedloads.

You sound like a wonderfully mum, woman and wife. He has a lot to be thankful and grateful for and I hope one day he realises that and makes you feel totally and completely the same way about him.

Good luck OP. This doesn't sound like it's over for good to me; be strong, do the right things for you and never ever be scared to bale if and when you need to. It might not work out like that; it depends on him and whether he can prove himself in the now, in the tomorrow, in the short, the medium and the long term. He has a lot to thankful for and you deserve to be in that postion too. Not more than one carefully thought through last chance though and even that only if you really want it and really feel safe.

)))))hugs((((((

I think the contact with H needs to be on your terms- whatever you choose those terms to be- rather than H taking the lead in worming his way back in. It might help to make it clear to him that this contact is him fulfilling his parental responsibilities, not doing you a favour.

Thank you for your comments. Alpaca I hadn't really thought about it like that. Of course it makes sense not to make the service too obvious

Crispy great NN. The helpline woman said I should go in rather than ring as over the phone they will just tell me to go online and apply. I have looked online but I really want to check it out with someone who knows the system - as H is not here but has no permanent alternative place yet I am concerned not to be doing amything wrong inadvertently. But I think maybe waiting until there is news about his job might be sensible anyway.

Windy that was really helpful for me to get my thoughts straight. I'm scared of making the wrong decision for good reasons iyswim. And definitely I'm scared of complacency, on my side as well as his. It feels too easy to fall back into a default way of being, and then something like my friend's dad's reaction when she told him what's happened shocks me into reality. Her dad is great, like the parent you wish you had had and he's known me a long time. He said I should not even consider tsking H back and because he's someone I respect that does make me think.

Being strong feels very hard at times, I'm happy that it has been so easy and quick to get counselling and I'm hopeful about Al Anon too? I don't know much about the latter but they suggest giving it six meetings to see if it's helpi g and that seems do able.

I agree Inertia and it totally is at the moment. We agreed when we talked that he hadn't always pulled his weight at home (though he's better than many men discussed on here) so it was good to see that translate into action later on.

Please excuse typos! Touch screen phone and cold fongers.

FINGERS

Whatever you decide, and a lot depends on his behaviour and commitment to aa and then staying off the pop, I think he needs to sweat a little little bit more. I'm sure that at the moment all you probably want is a hug and some carnal comfort to make things feel so much better but right now isn't the time for that and he needs to know that and you need to be strong about that until he has started to prove himself and that, imo, will take more than one bedtime and bathtime.

Good luck.

NeedAdvice ill PM you re: AA.

Windy I totally agree, and more than a little bit I think. I have to feel confident that I am safe, that the DCs won't see or hear anything unpleasant in their home. I don't know if the trust can ever be rebuilt and I don't want a relationship with no trust.

I am getting hugs from DCs, friend and cats and have no interest in anything carnal right now! Chocolate now that's a different matter. Fortunately the DV service is right next to a large Lidl so I stocked up on comfort.

Alpaca

touching base - so i dont lose the thread.

i think the way you deal with things has to be right for you. dont rush into anything.

womens aid can help with benefits etc - if you have made contact with a DV help service they should have people to help too.

dont rush into contact with your dh. you need to get your head straight first.

Hi Vicar . The DV service and the helpline both told me to go to Jobcentre. Fortunately my friend works in this sort of area and knows a bit about benefits.

I agree I need to resist being rushed. To give H his due, when I told him I felt pressured he stopped straight away and today apologised and said he would try to think of me before him. I know I tend to be a 'pleaser' and I need to be really reflective so I see when I am going with the flow and not prioritising mine and DC's needs. It's hard! Friend told me that she is proud of me for being strong tonight. And that her whole family are adopting me.

All seems very positive for you, and a sensible approach not talking about reconciliation. I just want to reiterate what Vicar said about not rushing into contact with him.

Yes, he should be pulling his weight with DCs etc but don't let him get into a position where he can claim or imply that you need him. You may need childcare, you may need a cleaner and a chef, but nobody needs a violent person with a drink problem.

Look after you and DCs.

Oh lovey you are doing so well and you have great support here, I have my fingers and toes crossed for you and really wish you all the luck in the world

BUT he is still the same man who punched you in the face last saturday, nothing he says or does is real right now, he will be hoping you will just get over this and forget what happened,get back to normal and he will do it again and again and then worse than ever

You should keep as much distance as you can, go to Al-anon, sort out your entitlements, make plans for you and DC, get your ducks in a row without him around

Dont get drawn in to HIS plans/apologies/excuses/reasons

Good luck xx

Yep, what flash drive and adorabell said - you are under no obligation to take this man back. Same bloke who punched you in the face last Saturday night for no good cause other than he was drunk and he felt that as a good thing to do.

Can I just (gently) point out that the post-violence phase of the relationship is sometimes the most confusing and the most misleading. He will say what he needs to say to be where he needs to be. You will feel powerful because for the first time in a long time he is reacting how you want him to react. For the first time in a long time, you seem to have the control where you didn't before. You're finally getting the family life you pushed for. It feels like you have set a timer for the inevitable reconciliation and he is biding his time in a well-behaved manner. I realize I may be projecting hugely here based on experience but I'd hate for anyone else to go through what my mother went through, and I'd hate for your kids to go through what we went through.

Don't minimise what happened. Look for support for yourself first, how you feel about it, what you and the children need to be safe. You have no guarantee that he won't do this again. The only thing that you are certain of is that he is capable of violence. In my experience (and just mine, others can of course disagree) violence cannot be counseled away.

You're doing so well

You are doing brilliant.

Another thought... I wouldn't be giving him any due for ceasing to put pressure on you to make decisions about the future four days after he injures his wife to the extent that she needed hospital treatment.

But I suspect I am #teamneedadvice2014 and not #teamneed'sDH.

I'm going to shut up now because I don't want to put undue pressure on you.

I agree. he has a lot to prove and it will take a long time. he has to give uo the booze, properly and for good. he has no right to even ask you anything regarding the future yet. maybe when he has been sober for a long long time....maybe then, maybe when you see those changes are permanent, when he has done counselling, whrn you have, and that all takes time. who knows how much? you cant put a timescale on this. and when you have done all that maybe you will decide to move on without him. he needs to accept whatever decision you make, whenever you make it.