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Original poster

DP wants me to move my DC's from school they love

104 replies

Discomama · 07/04/2014 05:26

We don't live together, they aren't his DC's. He wants to move to be with us (been together 10 months) but wants us all to move about 20miles away. I refuse point blank to make the children leave their fantastic school that they are doing brilliantly at that we all love. AIBU? He says he doesn't have any say in our lives and I suppose he's right to some extent, the children come first to me and always will. He says he has to just fit into our lives and put up with it. Now refusing to put any money into buying a house unless it's somewhere he wants. Is it me?

I think I know what you're going to say.

OP posts:
bragmatic · 07/04/2014 05:28

It isn't you. I can see why you'd compromise on location, but not to the extent that your kids would need to move schools.

Innogen · 07/04/2014 05:29

Only 10 months and you're considering uprooting your kids? No chance.

GilmoursPillow · 07/04/2014 05:32

He should want what's best for your children, surely?

minmooch · 07/04/2014 05:37

Enormous red flag there. 10' months in and he wants to up root you all - for 20 miles? He is showing you what type of man he is - selfish, arrogant and controlling. Remove him from you life.

Wurstwitch · 07/04/2014 05:40

Need more info.

This is obviously a decision that you have both made - to move in together and buy a house? So you must be pretty convinced that this relationship is a keeper.

Why does he want to live there? I assume it is closer to his work, and that you don't work at the moment? So it makes sense to relocate you, not him, for convenience. So, probably not as straightforward as what 'he wants'. Are you still living in the house you lived in with the dc's father? That could be another reason he wants you to move?

I'm not wedded to schools, to be honest. Mine moved around. No bother.

But it sounds as though you have cold feet about the commitment, and that's reasonable. Don't blame it on him, though. It's fine to say you aren't ready yet.

Sharaluck · 07/04/2014 06:12

What are his reasons for moving to the place he wants? Is it his work? Family? Friends?

Where does he live at present and how far away from your current location?

MaryWestmacott · 07/04/2014 06:20

Your answer should be, "yes, the children do come first, only a very crap mother would put her boyfriend above her children in the priority list. If you want to be the most important person to a woman, you should be dating someone without children and then not have any with her."

This man might be a great boyfriend to you, but from what you've said, he'll be a crap step-father. It's not fair on your dcs to move in with him, let alone relocate them.

FabULouse · 07/04/2014 06:21

This reply has been deleted

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WhatsTheWordHummingbird · 07/04/2014 06:26

20 miles will add barely anything to his commute. 20 minutes will be a bit of a life changer for your dcs.

They trump him.

Original poster
Discomama · 07/04/2014 06:26

Thanks all! I am not living in the family home, I rent but in the same village as stbxh, partner lives 2 hours drive from me now and works for himself so can move anywhere.

He wants to live at the beach so he can go sailing (his passion)

Our plan was to rent locally together for a year, see how it goes and then take the plunge into buying somewhere (locally I assumed!) he's now refusing to put any money into a house together near where I am now.

Gaaaaaarrrrrghgh!

(I know, I know) Confused

OP posts:
WhispersOfWickedness · 07/04/2014 06:27

You already know that you need to put your DC first, please don't allow him to wear you down.
Why does he want the other location so much?

WhispersOfWickedness · 07/04/2014 06:31

Sorry, x-posted! So he wants to uproot your DC for the sake of a hobby Hmm That would only be 20 miles away anyway! Please make the right decision for your children Sad

Original poster
Discomama · 07/04/2014 06:33

Oh I will Whispers! Just makes me a bit sad! And I'm not ready for that yet!

OP posts:
Eastpoint · 07/04/2014 06:35

Isn't it also better for the children if they live near their father? I know you don't have to stay near him but they can have time with him mid-week if you live close together. If he goes sailing a lot he'll be busy anyway, not doing things with you & the children.

Sharaluck · 07/04/2014 06:36

That doesn't sound very fair Hmm I think he should be considering a compromise if the only reason he wants his preferred location is for a hobby (and that he isn't currently living near the sea anyway).

Is there nowhere a little closer (and an easier distance) to the sea that is also within easy distance from your current location?

Sharaluck · 07/04/2014 06:37

I think you both can be a little flexible but I think you hours insist on being able to stay at current schools and also near the dc's father.

Renting first together is a good idea though.

Sharaluck · 07/04/2014 06:38

Hours= need to

WhispersOfWickedness · 07/04/2014 06:42

Very glad to hear that, Disco!

WhispersOfWickedness · 07/04/2014 06:44

Sorry, not glad that it makes you sad of course, just that putting him over your children is not a consideration! I was second priority as a child and there are still repercussions now Sad

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 07/04/2014 06:48

Obviously you don't uproot your kids' lives for a boyfriend of 10 months and if he doesn't understand that, I question whether you should subject your children to living with him ever.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/04/2014 07:07

You've only known each other 10 months and he is proposing that you uproot the children from their schools so that he can do his passion/obsession of sailing!. Not a chance.

He should go to the coast - on his own.

Think this relationship you have with this man now needs to end due to what he has said as well. He reads as both arrogant and controlling. Delaying any decision to part will just prolong the agony for you.

Deathwatchbeetle · 07/04/2014 07:22

Definitely dont move away from the school if the kids love it. Some mums would 'sell their soul' to get their kids to a good school. In my youth we moved so much because of Dad's job -always to crap schools.

You have only known this bloke for a short time. What if you do go off to where he wants and two months later it doesn't work out. You are stuck there with miserable kids. Possibly in a crap school that they hate.

Always put your kids first (they may choose a nicer OAP home for you later on!!!)

whereisshe · 07/04/2014 07:23

Is he generally a nice bloke? If so, it may genuinely be a lack of comprehension about how challenging finding a good school and settling kids into it can be.

Have you explained it to him, why you're reluctant to uproot them unnecessarily? Education has to come before hobbies, and kids before adults...

He should really get it on his own, but I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt as pre-kids I'd put precisely zero thought into school placements.

Fairylea · 07/04/2014 07:29

To me this says more about his lack of understanding of how children feel in general - he thinks it doesn't matter that they move schools because his needs as an adult trumps theirs - and it is a need for a hobby not even a job !

That would be a deal breaker for me. I'd say no.

(And I'm in a marriage with dh and our young child and a child from a previous marriage).

I think he is being selfish. Especially as it's only 10 months in. Still honeymoon period.

Thislife · 07/04/2014 07:29

How do you know how you are all going to get on living together? It is a massive step for him to move into a family however long you have been together.

I have been with a guy for 10 months and it is really early days. 5 or 6 months in we were all excited and talking about the future. 10 months in and the shine is wearing off! Ok, maybe your relationship will turn out to be stronger than mine but to move your children out of their school is drastic. It puts them way behind academically let alone the social impact for them. I don't see how you can put them through it for a new guy who wants to go sailing.