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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP wants me to move my DC's from school they love

104 replies

Discomama · 07/04/2014 05:26

We don't live together, they aren't his DC's. He wants to move to be with us (been together 10 months) but wants us all to move about 20miles away. I refuse point blank to make the children leave their fantastic school that they are doing brilliantly at that we all love. AIBU? He says he doesn't have any say in our lives and I suppose he's right to some extent, the children come first to me and always will. He says he has to just fit into our lives and put up with it. Now refusing to put any money into buying a house unless it's somewhere he wants. Is it me?

I think I know what you're going to say.

OP posts:
Delphiniumsblue · 07/04/2014 07:35

In any house buying schools come first with me. It would be a deal breaker for me. The children are getting used to a new man, everything else needs to stay the same.

BluebellTuesday · 07/04/2014 07:35

Agree with everyone else. He sounds controlling and inconsiderate. IME, which I won't bore you with, it won't get better. You can't move dc on this basis.

Random point: before I met my ex, I already had DD; and one night I watched this drama, don't remember the title, but it was a busy single mum with school age children, friends network etc. She met this guy who swept her off her feet and then wanted her and dc to move to New York with him. I spent the programme thinking, you can't do that!! She didn't, in the end, and as I hadn't discovered MN, I was always glad I watched that programme.

My personal advice is you need to let him go, politely put, and find someone who understands the simple point that you don't uproot dc to go sailing on the weekend (he is also telling you you will move and he will bugger off in a boat).

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 07/04/2014 07:37

Sorry the scales have had to drop from your eyes on this one op. Painful. Get rid. Massive flags flying on this one all sadly Scarlett....

Branleuse · 07/04/2014 07:40

hes being ridiculous

Branleuse · 07/04/2014 07:40

and weird

pilates · 07/04/2014 07:45

Yes the flags are flying high Sad.

How selfish and conceited for him to suggest that when you have only been together 10 months.

I would be wary continuing with this relationship.

Good luck.

Pregnantberry · 07/04/2014 07:49

YANBU. How old are your DC? Would it be possible for you to say that if he insists on moving there he will have to wait until they have finished school?

It's not a 'fair' compromise at all asking your whole family to uproot for his convenience, and if you can't get this through to him then he doesn't sound like a decent enough guy to be acting step father to your DC, really.

Deathwatchbeetle · 07/04/2014 07:49

Another thing - if sailing is his hobby and he moves nearer, he has more tome to indulge his hobby and will, in effect be a single man (that is what he is) and you will be low down on his priorities as he will be busy with his hobby.

Discomama · 07/04/2014 07:53

I hear you all! Thankyou! The shine is indeed wearing off Hmm

OP posts:
TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 07/04/2014 07:56

I agree with whereisshe - on the face of the post, it may just be naïveté about how children and schools work - I for example had no idea about school overcrowding until DS1 reached school age.

If he doesn't get it after you explain, I would start sewing the red flag.

TeaAndALemonTart · 07/04/2014 07:57

Nope, UANBU.

FetchezLaVache · 07/04/2014 08:01

Option a: your kids get uprooted from the school they love and have to move 20 miles from their dad and all their friends and settle into a new, unknown-quantity school in a new area and basically start all over again.

Option b: your boyfriend has to drive, what, half an hour? to do his hobby on a weekend.

It's a no-fucking-brainer, it really is.

My guess would be that he can't quite afford the dream home by the sea without your financial input.

SocialNeedier · 07/04/2014 08:07

He's being selfish but not necessarily controlling.

Not having any say in where we live has always been an issue for me as a step parent. It's hard to cede such a massive thing because of the choices of others.

But if he really understood what being part of a family meant, he'd see why he's not being realistic. Not unreasonable IMO, but unrealistic in the current set up.

This is probably because it's only been 10 months, which is really no time at all to be making these kind of commitments. It may be that he's just not cut out for being part of a step family. And that's fair enough - very few people are - but it doesn't bode well for your relationship unfortunately.

HolgerDanske · 07/04/2014 10:00

No, please don't do it. A school where your children are happy and settled is so important.

As someone has already mentioned, he lacks the fundamental understanding that children come first. If he's not prepared to make that sacrifice he's not good enough for you, and certainly nowhere near good enough for your children.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/04/2014 11:01

"He says he has to just fit into our lives and put up with it."

Err..... yes, that's the deal when there's already a family unit. if he wants to be part of that family, not disrupting the children kind of goes without saying. 'Put up with it' has a whiff of resentment already - bloody cheek from someone you've only known a few months. Imagine what an arse he would be with his feet properly under the table.

catsmother · 07/04/2014 11:41

Good schools are like gold dust. I wouldn't necessarily be adverse to moving to a different "good" school - and I know lots of people have no choice but to do this - but where there is an element of choice involved there'd have to be a damn good reason for me to move my kids otherwise.

When I was previously a single mum, I found myself in the position of having to move as I could no longer afford to stay where I was and unfortunately therefore took myself out of catchment for a "good" school my oldest would have otherwise attended (and we moved a fair bit less than 20 miles). The alternative was okay but not as good results wise, and there was also the effect of my child having to make new friends etc. It wasn't the end of the world, but I do think it set them back for a while - and I would have preferred not to have had to put them through that .... though believe me I tried every which way and the numbers simply didn't add up.

In your situation, no way would I take my kids out of schools they were thriving in if there wasn't a sound reason - and indulging someone else's hobby is NOT it. In fact it's ridiculously selfish ...... many of us would happily drive 20 miles (or more) to do a hobby so you can only conclude that if he wants it right on the doorstep he'll almost certainly be grabbing every opportunity to do said hobby and you'll be left on your own perhaps more often than you'd like to be anyway. If things didn't work out re: schools, imagine how bad you'd feel for having moved just so he can go out to play whenever he wants!

Like everyone else has also said, I personally think 10 months is far too soon - not to be thinking of moving in together necessarily - but for him to be laying down the law about where you live. Scrap that, he shouldn't be laying down the law no matter how long you'd been seeing each other actually .... but it does strike me as very off that he feels his wants as opposed to the children's needs (and good education is arguably a need) take priority. I think that's a red flag TBH - would wonder how else he might throw his weight around in future as he obviously considers himself Mr Important.

... and I say all this as a stepparent whose life has been significantly affected by other people's choices, which yes, can be extremely frustrating and unfair (in our case, we are dealing with a very unreasonable ex) but I don't see why, in your case, if he really wants to be with you, he'd be disgruntled or disrupted at moving into your area when he's not tied elsewhere due to work issues, or because he also has kids and when his hobby would take 30 mins to get to. Call me cynical but makes me wonder if he's always had this pipe dream of living by the coast but couldn't afford to do so without someone else's input ? In other words, you're a means to an end (sorry to say). Otherwise, if living there is so important to him, why hasn't he already moved there ?

AnyFucker · 07/04/2014 11:47

He says he doesn't have any say in our lives and I suppose he's right to some extent, the children come first to me and always will. He says he has to just fit into our lives and put up with it.

Yup, he has that right at least. he takes it or leaves it. Kids come first.

tribpot · 07/04/2014 11:53

Moving school is non-negotiable for me. That's based on having done it myself as a teen; it was okay for me but my brother really struggled to get back on track. I wouldn't contemplate this for my ds because it would knock his (already not great) confidence very badly, and frankly for me I need the support network I have built up around this school to juggle job, home, etc. It would be a flat-out no way.

Factor in the non-resident parent as well, completely unreasonable. All to make it easier for him to go sailing, WTF!

He doesn't have any say in your lives. He may not like it but that's how it goes. The children come first.

Fair enough if he doesn't want to buy in your area, that's his choice. It shouldn't change yours, though.

VelmaD · 07/04/2014 11:53

I've been with my boyfriend a similar amount of time. We live fifteen miles from each other - and have already discussed how living together will have to wait as my boys (7 and 6) and their schooling come first. I won't move them that far, he's only been in his house a year and doesn't want to move again yet. We've been together less than a year, although we love each other and make plans (both with and without our children) we are realistic.

Im sorry it doesn't seem like this is going to work for you. If he lives two hours away, how much time have you spent together? With the kids too?

Cabrinha · 07/04/2014 12:39

I'm not totally opposed to moving schools.

I'm very against moving children away from their father if he is involved, and it's at all possible. Not a criticism when people do, and sometimes it's necessary... But it's a real soul search decision for me.
I live flipping miles away from my work locations - but it's best for my daughter to see us both frequently.

What I am TOTALLY against, is a major change in a child 'a life for a boyfriend of ten months.

My boyfriend (of 8 months) and I have had a "what if we wanted to live together?" Conversation and have already agreed it's v unlikely to happen (lots of open house with two houses instead) because we don't want to change schools / friends / family proximity - and we're only 5 miles apart!

Tbh, even if there was no change to the school and he was moving in with you, I'd be raising an eyebrow about doing that after 10 months. And that's coming from an advocate of early introductions!

Phalenopsis · 07/04/2014 12:56

Kids or no kids, I wouldn't moving anywhere to be with a man after only 10 months.

As for your situation OP, your children sound settled and happy at school. They go there for approx. 7 hours a day, 5 days a week and they'll do so until they're at least 16 - Their happiness is very important in this area specifically and generally. If anyone doubts the importance of being happy at school, they ought to look at the school bullying threads on here. School can be hellish. Your partner is a selfish person and is an ignorant one because he obviously hasn't grasped how important your children are to you and how important their schooling is. He won't cope very well if you do move in with him. It sounds to me as though he'll soon get very fed up with not being able to do exactly as he likes, when he likes and won't have you all to himself. He'll soon get the hump and withdraw.

He doesn't sound like stepfather material to me.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 07/04/2014 13:13

Could you point out to him that even if he was their father, the family wouldn't be moving away from schools and close family to accommodate a hobby?

Discomama · 09/04/2014 07:27

Thanks all for your replies, we chatted last night, and I said the best compromise I could come to was to move out of the village that I love, that is my home and go somewhere within a 10 mile commute of the school. Apparently by saying that and refusing to move the school I've put "the kiss of death" on our relationship. He said he'll come and collect his stuff after the holidays. Guess that's our holiday with the kids to Devon next week cancelled Sad I know it's the right thing, but man, it sucks!

Thanks for all your helpful replies....looking for something to do next week now!!

OP posts:
Delphiniumsblue · 09/04/2014 07:30

Best wishes for the future, sad but better to know now than later.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 09/04/2014 07:35

Sorry it didn't work out Sad