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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP wants me to move my DC's from school they love

104 replies

Discomama · 07/04/2014 05:26

We don't live together, they aren't his DC's. He wants to move to be with us (been together 10 months) but wants us all to move about 20miles away. I refuse point blank to make the children leave their fantastic school that they are doing brilliantly at that we all love. AIBU? He says he doesn't have any say in our lives and I suppose he's right to some extent, the children come first to me and always will. He says he has to just fit into our lives and put up with it. Now refusing to put any money into buying a house unless it's somewhere he wants. Is it me?

I think I know what you're going to say.

OP posts:

WhereMyMilk · 09/04/2014 07:38

Well done for putting your children and family life first-it would've been a nightmare to live with him-this would've been the first demand of many I am sure, in order to keep you in line.

It will hurt for a while, but to coin an MN phrase, this too shall pass.

Wishing you some peace with this & happiness soon.

tribpot · 09/04/2014 07:44

Wow. Seems pretty clear this was a power play - and possibly a move to isolate you from support - rather than actually about living nearer the beach.

I would expect him to blow hot and cold for a bit, trying to see if he can wear you down that way. Keep your guard up and be confident that you've done the right thing.

Gen35 · 09/04/2014 07:46

Sorry op but in reckon you've saved yourself more years of heartache with an immature selfish idiot, resulting in a messy split a few years down the line. He put the kiss of death on it by being completely
U bit at least you found out before you moved...

Treaclepot · 09/04/2014 07:50

Well done, saved yourself and more importantly your DC years of selfish behaviour. Hope you find something fun to do

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/04/2014 08:01

Any chance of taking his name off the booking and going to Devon anyway with your children?.

"I said the best compromise I could come to was to move out of the village that I love, that is my home and go somewhere within a 10 mile commute of the school. Apparently by saying that and refusing to move the school I've put "the kiss of death" on our relationship"

Kiss of death" indeed - he did that to his own self but again he will never accept any wrongdoing on his own part here. Its easier for him to blame you.

Put all his stuff in bags/boxes and leave it somewhere accessible for him to collect; there is no need for him to be in your home any longer than necessary. I would ask for keys.

Glad you've now seen this bloke for what he really is; a wrong 'un. Ten months in and making such demands on you all so he can go off sailing?. He can take a hike/sail!.

Love your own self for a change and continue to make a nice life for you and your children.

Jaynebxl · 09/04/2014 08:40

Good you saw another side to him now and not after uprooting the children at least.

WhispersOfWickedness · 09/04/2014 08:55

Wow, to be honest, it sounds like you've had a lucky escape! He sounds incredibly controlling, it's good that you've found this out before you moved in with him! Hope you are ok

nkf · 09/04/2014 08:59

Lucky escape I'd say. Really lucky.

ButEmilylovedhim · 09/04/2014 09:00

He sounds horrible. You've probably had a lucky escape. It doesn't sound like he wanted to consider your children at all. What would it have been like when they were actually living with him and being, you know, children.
You would never have seen him if you had moved. He would be at work or sailing. Terribly selfish. Sorry you're hurting now though.

TexMex · 09/04/2014 09:03

As a teen my DM met a partner and moved us all 20 miles away to a village where I had no friends, no family and moved school. Hugely stressful and actually I really resented her. Relationship lasted 2 years so all that upheaval for a not great outcome. He was very controlling of her/us and I think moving us all was his way of control too. Also some wise poster upthread made the point that perhaps he can't afford his dream house by the beach without your financial input. This struck a chord as it was the situation DM was left in - eyeballs of debt. Better off knowing now I reckon, and I'm so glad you put your DC's needs first, well done you!

PortofinoRevisited · 09/04/2014 09:07

God - what a twat! At least he has shown his true colours before you invested anymore of yourself in the relationship. (((hugs))) though.

Sparklysilversequins · 09/04/2014 09:09

What an enormous, spoilt teenager he sounds.

I would struggle greatly with finding such a selfish, immature person attractive and I think you've had a lucky escape. He clearly has no clue whatsoever what living in a family with children involves and I suspect that even if they were his he would still believe he and his wishes should come first. There are lots of these kids of relationships detailed here on MN and they make for unhappy reading.

HecatePropylaea · 09/04/2014 09:16

I am really glad that you have decided not to be with him any more (or rather have decided to take his attempt to manipulate you into backing down at face value and accepted his ending the relationship without any argument!)

He was trying to make you prioritise him above your children, you know that don't you? to shove himself in at the 'top'.

He wanted to see if you would do something that is not good for your children, because you have slotted him above them.

Or at least, that's what it screams to me. Obviously I am not in his head so I can't know that for sure, but everything in me is convinced that is the reason.

He could very easily travel for his hobby, yet he wants you to make the choice to take your children away from everything and everyone they know, including something as vital to their life as a really good school... because he likes sailing and he doesn't want to just 'fit in' with you (translation - he wants to be the boss of you!).

Thankfully, you sound like you are not going to let that happen and have put your children first and not fallen for his powerplay bullshit.

VelmaD · 09/04/2014 09:35

Can you not go to Devon without him? I would, have a week just you and the kids away from it all.

Sorry it ended this way :-(

Sharaluck · 09/04/2014 10:05

I am surprised at his attitude and sad for you :( I think it was a lucky escape as others have said. Your compromise was a fair one and if he was in the relationship with genuine reasons he would have understood this.

FetchezLaVache · 09/04/2014 10:14

I agree with Attila. Your compromise was very much more than reasonable and far more in his favour than yours and your kids', but he clearly doesn't really get the concept of give and take. It's how he wants things done or it's not happening, and if it's the latter, it's because of the unreasonableness of the other person.

Look at it like this though. You've managed to see the man's true colours in just 10 months, and before you got financially involved with him. I'd say that's not a bad outcome.

Hope you still manage to get your holiday in Devon! Without him, of course.

catsmother · 09/04/2014 10:22

So it boiled down to his way or no way then - despite you offering to compromise ? Where was his bloody compromise ?

Am sorry it's turned out like this but I think you'll find that the short term pain you feel now at the split will be far far outweighed by the long term gain you'll get from having such a selfish person out of your lives. It may not feel like much comfort but it's also far better he's revealed his true colours now rather than after any sort of move when you'd have had all the upheaval and expense for nothing.

Hope you can still take a holiday next week!

Original poster

Discomama · 09/04/2014 12:25

Thanks, feeling totally shitty at the mo as I liked him so much - most handsome man I've ever met!!

Still, not the point! Have booked nice 5 night break just for me and DC's next week in Cornwall, Devon was a freebie! That's what credit cards are for eh?! Ha, got a bit of a bargain actually, thanks for hugs and , will take them all, feel like I need them x

OP posts:

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 09/04/2014 12:27

Massively lucky escape- well done. It's shit now, but by god would you have regretted being with him. Red flags all over.

SocialNeedier · 09/04/2014 12:27

Wow what a dick. Bullet well and truly dodged there OP.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 09/04/2014 12:29

By the way, don't be surprised if he hangs around. I'd be surprised if the big 'collect my stuff' flounce is the last of it. Certainly sounds as if he was at least partly using you to afford where he wanted to live-self self self, your DC way down the pecking order. He may return with promises and compromises in the hope he can wheedle something out of it. Don't compromise with this one though- you've seen where his priorities lie!

worldgonecrazy · 09/04/2014 12:36

Don't cancel your holiday in Devon, just go without him.

I'm late to this thread, but in any relationship, the needs of the children for food, education, clothing (i.e. the basics) has to come before adult needs because adults can rationalise change, children can't. You are well rid of this selfish self-centred man-child.

happyhev · 09/04/2014 12:37

Agree with Bruno, when he realises his flounce hasn't succeeded in controlling you, don't be surprised if tries playing mr nice guy to try and get you back in line. He may even offer to accept your 'compromise'. Don't go there OP, you've had a lucky escape.

Original poster

Discomama · 09/04/2014 12:38

The Devon holiday was at his static caravan, so can't go but at least hot new hol booked, fingers crossed for decent weather!

OP posts:

Original poster

Discomama · 09/04/2014 12:39

^got not hot, but hot would be great!

OP posts:

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