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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP wants me to move my DC's from school they love

104 replies

Discomama · 07/04/2014 05:26

We don't live together, they aren't his DC's. He wants to move to be with us (been together 10 months) but wants us all to move about 20miles away. I refuse point blank to make the children leave their fantastic school that they are doing brilliantly at that we all love. AIBU? He says he doesn't have any say in our lives and I suppose he's right to some extent, the children come first to me and always will. He says he has to just fit into our lives and put up with it. Now refusing to put any money into buying a house unless it's somewhere he wants. Is it me?

I think I know what you're going to say.

OP posts:
ThePost · 09/04/2014 12:44

Lucky escape, Disco. He was already trying to get you to show him that he was more important than your DC. I don't think so! Shitty now, but at least it's saved you and the children years of grief.

ThePost · 09/04/2014 12:45

And yes, agree with PPs, when he comes crawling back "willing to compromise" tell him to fuck off.

WeAreDetective · 09/04/2014 12:45

Sorry it didn't work out. it I do think it's better to find out now what a controlling selfish arse he is now rather than later down the line.

Have a lovely holiday!

NigellasDealer · 09/04/2014 12:47

he sounds like a wankstain tbh - he wants your children to move away from their dad, away from their schools and friends, so that he can go sailing at weekends? and you have been seeing him for ten months? have i got that right?

NigellasDealer · 09/04/2014 12:48

oops sorry did not read update.
OP you are well shot of him.

sherbetpips · 09/04/2014 12:51

sorry to hear that, clearly a man not used to not getting his own way and I imagine that 'hobby' would have meant he was always off somewhere anyway. You never know he might realise what a prat he is being and change his mind, until then he has the sea.....

FetchezLaVache · 09/04/2014 12:56

One day this man will have children and realise what a big deal a great school is, but by that time it will be years too late! Definitely a lucky escape. Have a brilliant holiday next week OP.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/04/2014 13:12

"Thanks, feeling totally shitty at the mo as I liked him so much - most handsome man I've ever met!!"

Looks are not everything though.

Nice on the outside he many have looked but he is ugly on the inside.

Longer term I would think about what attracted you to such an individual in the first place and see if you missed or perhaps minimised any bad behaviour or red flags on his part. For now anyway I would love your own self for a change.

hellsbellsmelons · 09/04/2014 13:28

Glad you are still going away the kids. Will be a good break for you.

I must admit I was prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt until your update.

What a total knob. You are well rid of that one.
Just think about the film Shallow Hal. It's what's on the inside that counts.

MaryWestmacott · 09/04/2014 15:47

OP - you are a great mum, keep telling yourself this!

And looks fade, and you get used to "hansome" when you see it everyday, after a while, you almost become blind to it, it's how someone treats you that realy matters. And he treats you (and your DCs) as something that has to fit in with him, because what he wants (not needs!) is more important than everything else. Because he thinks he is more important than everything else. That would get very grating once you stopped being impressed by looks. or he got fat

Wurstwitch · 09/04/2014 16:24

This is all a tad hysterical, tbh.

It really could be that he was seeing this move as a positive lifestyle change for the woman he loved and the children he was planning to raise as his own. He obviously cares about her enough to suggest they buy a house together, indicating long term commitment, and hasn't balked at the fact that she comes with a ready-made family.

All this 'selfish twat' 'lucky escape' stuff is a bit wearing - what if he was genuinely trying to set them all up as one happy family unit in a location that he believed would give them all better opportunities as their life together continues? And has realized that his hopes and dreams for their future together in an idyllic location isn't something the op is interested in, so he sees her as refusing to further the relationship and now realizes they want different things? He wants a family in a new place, the op wants nothing to change. Not necessarily a power play, or a spoilt dp, or a control freak. Maybe his dreams of a joint future have been dashed, and so he sees no point in carrying on with the relationship, as he has realized they want very things? He wants a brand new future? She wants everything to carry on as before...

Change is scary, for sure. But sometimes it is positive.

Have a nice trip to Devon with the kids. Don't be asking them if they'd like to live by the beach, though, or daring to wonder if it would be possible to live by the sea after all.

hellsbellsmelons · 09/04/2014 16:27
Confused
Lweji · 09/04/2014 16:37

Confused and I raise you Hmm

NigellasDealer · 09/04/2014 16:39
Shock
Lweji · 09/04/2014 16:40

He said he'll come and collect his stuff after the holidays.

Oh, please tell me you'll chuck his stuff out before the holidays, if he doesn't collect it now.

Lweji · 09/04/2014 16:44

Actually, I think he expects you to be ready to apologise to him when he returns from his holidays.

pilates · 09/04/2014 16:47

I hope you change the locks. You really have done the best thing. He has shown his true colours and I'm sure you will look back in a years time with no regrets. Good luck.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/04/2014 17:11

"He obviously cares about her enough to suggest they buy a house together, indicating long term commitment"

Buying a house together indicates long term commitment does it?. No it does not. It never fails to amaze me what some people want to believe.

At only 10 months into this relationship he wanted the OP to up sticks 20 miles away to the coast so he could indulge further his passion of sailing; he put OP and her children in a tight spot and it is to OPs credit that she has refused. Who died and made him king?.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 09/04/2014 17:18

" the children he was planning to raise as his own"

And the rest...

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 09/04/2014 17:20

If you want to plan a future together with someone, then planning together seems like a good start.

Lweji · 09/04/2014 17:27

A good parent won't move their children from their long term school just to move 30 min away so he can sail on weekends.

I drive about 30 min every saturday for my (and DS) martial arts training.

The problem here is that the OP would uproot her children and herself, and would then be stuck if things didn't work out.

Planning together sounds good. Ultimatums, in the face of compromise doesn't.

Lweji · 09/04/2014 17:30

Ups, sorry, he'd have to drive 20 miles. Which would take him 10 min at a snails pace of 40 miles per hour. Poor thing.

WeAreDetective · 09/04/2014 17:36

Wurstwitch, are you the. DP?? Hmm Grin

tribpot · 09/04/2014 17:46

the children he was planning to raise as his own

These children already have a father, who so far has had even less say than the OP in the plans, if that's possible. There is no 'one happy family unit', the children are part of a more complicated (but hopefully happy) family unit than that.

Lweji · 09/04/2014 17:53

No, detective, she's not.