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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm a mess. Marriage is over. Kids hate me.

142 replies

SalfordSky · 06/04/2014 22:17

I'm sobbing my heart out. I've finally realised my husband loves me but isn't in love anymore.

OP posts:

Hissy · 08/04/2014 23:02

Holidays are 2 weeks, right?

Good start.

Make him sweat. ;-)

Original poster

SalfordSky · 09/04/2014 16:28

He has said he misses me and dd today. And that he is tired. Is going to go home and clean house (this is a dig at me) and then going to bed.

At no point has he asked how to make this right or what to do etc.

OP posts:

Lweji · 09/04/2014 16:33

Did you tell him he better get used to the single life?

Hissy · 09/04/2014 16:39

Well... untidy house can't possibly be your responsibility if you're not actually there...

It's all manipulative bollocks. Phone off. Let him sweat.

Think of this like bartering. You've stated your final price, now say NOTHING.

Not a peep, not a sausage. It's his turn to state his position.

Silence at this point is the strongest bartering tool you have.

You won't back down until you are valued. If he won't do that, they sayonara sucker!

cozietoesie · 09/04/2014 16:48

It sounds like it's all about him, him, him. (With maybe a soupcon of the kids thrown in.)

Did he at any point ask how you were?

MillyJones · 09/04/2014 17:36

Salford what do you want to truly happen with your marriage. Its a small step that he has said he misses you isn't it?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 09/04/2014 18:21

Anyone who can treat his DW like he has then call her names is lower than low. Mr Funny + Charming/Cold + Distant is like a parasite that feeds off its host, he takes so much more than he gives. When you shake him off, he feels the lack, and wants you back.

His jaw must have dropped when you left for your caravan; he will not be able to bear you being indifferent.

Original poster

SalfordSky · 09/04/2014 20:54

He has said my expectations are unrealistic. I was determined to stay for full two weeks but eldest has chronic condition that has really flared up. She is really poorly and in pain. I have to go back tomorrow. She has the biggest room so I am moving up with her.

I have told him he needs to start sourcing a new home. He has said he loves me and that should be enough and I should accept him for who he is just as he accepts me with my depression (which means I am very low and slightly panicky about every 6 months or so). The fact is that my depression does not affect him. It only affects me and maybe the kids - he is rarely back home before 8.

He thinks I should lower my expectations about love. Maybe I should after 17 years. Maybe I am asking too much? I'm in my 40's with 3 kids. No job. And I have 2 spots on my chin just to make me feel super ugly today.

OP posts:

MillyJones · 09/04/2014 21:00

No, you shouldn't lower your expectations about love. You should be his world and he should put you before everything and make you feel adored otherwise what is the point.

NK5BM3 · 09/04/2014 21:19

Woah, I hardly ever post in relationships but this person really takes the biscuit.

Could you move back and take care of your eldest and make sure she's ok, and then move out again? Or if you are having to be home, then do stuff for the kids but not him? Just don't engage with him... Imagine he's wash for a work trip for a month.. You'd just get on as usual wouldn't you? You wouldn't be pining for his company or for him to be nice. You wouldn't...

Hang in there. Is it too far for you to go to the coast? Could your eldest go with you?

myroomisatip · 09/04/2014 21:30

Oh my God... I am so glad that you have so much support. The pps have said everything I want to, and so much clearer than I could.

I still cannot articulate my feelings after too many years of manipulation and gaslighting. I know deep down what is right and what is wrong but I still have difficulty explaining why!

I think you are a little bit like this right now. Please listen to all the good advice here. Please do not accept anything less than the best. You are not asking too much. See. I knew you needed the space away, that is the best way to think and see things clearly and circumstances (?) have contrived that it has not been possible. Please do not go back unless it is 100% vital.

cozietoesie · 09/04/2014 21:33

Salford

I think your expectations are already so low that I'm not sure how you could lower them further. You're at a place (it seems to me) where all he has to do is not be mean to you and you're ready to jump. That's no way to have a relationship.

Just imagine what things are going to be like in a few months once he's given you the two token bunches of flowers/bottles of wine and reverted to treating you like a housekeeper. Could you bear it again?

What if you discovered him - again - with another person?

This is part of what I meant by having a look deep inside yourself when I posted above. What do you want out of your life?

Original poster

SalfordSky · 09/04/2014 22:42

How did I get here? Did I really want a 'normal' family that much? Some friends think I am lucky that I can go out when I want. I think they are lucky that their husbands want to spend time with them.

I feel really insecure. I'm terrified of being alone. It's my biggest fear (childhood trauma). But I feel alone anyway. So what's the point?

Maybe just live with him and look for someone new whilst he lives his own life, or just get on with living my life and ignore him completely? My 2 youngest adore him. Really adore him. All the parenting and planning is done by me. We rarely go away for more than a three days as a family.

What's my next step? Talk me through this.

Ps I've bloody missed Mumsnet. I forgot how amazing everyone on here is x

OP posts:

LEMmingaround · 10/04/2014 08:02

You are unhappy - HE makes you unhappy, at the most basic level, this is a no brainer. What exactly is it that he thinks you are expecting that is aiming too high?

I suffer from deppression and i have to be honest, it does affect my DP. But he is supportive and understanding, now - it took us a while to work through it.

i think you should save this thread to remind yourself just how low HE made you feel, you couldn't even type properly :( HE makes you feel like this, HE makes you feel that your children don't love you - HIM!!

Do you absolutely have to go back today? Can your oldest access treatment from where you are? If you need anti-biotics or anything like that you can go to the local walk in centre - the one near me is excellent, hardly a wait, drs are also there so no problems with prescriptions and a pharmacy downstairs.

If you can stay, because he shoud be doing the running now - he is self employed isn't he? so if he really needed to he could get his arse down to you and sort things out, instead he is waiting for you to come home with your tail between your legs after what he will see as your little sulk - fuck that!

Stop trying to justify things - he needs to change but he doesn't think he does. There is probably work to be done on both sides, you are willing to work at this, he isn't, the problem is, you cannot make up for the deficit by working yourself to oblivion, there will always be a gap.

He isn't taking you seriously, he thinks you are thrwing your toys, you have gone down to the caravan for the week with the kids, you may well have done that anyway. Don't let him dismiss you like this - you are worth more than that, so much more.

cozietoesie · 10/04/2014 09:09

I read what you wrote last night, Salford, but I didn't post anything because it unsettled me too much. This morning may not be too much better but - your real fear of being alone is concerning.

Way back in the thread, I was going to ask about when you'd last been alone because I had felt that you were missing something about knowing and being comfortable with yourself. Almost as if what was left of you was squidged down into a little hole deep inside and your posting was a late throw of the dice to save it. (Sorry if that sounds over-dramatic.)

When were you last really by yourself? Could you hack that if it came to it?

Original poster

SalfordSky · 10/04/2014 19:37

Ouch that's touched a nerve. It's been a long time since I have been on my own.

Good news is my eldest has come down on the train! Ha! He was expecting me back. My eldest has asked if I really intend on leaving him. I don't know what to say. He has been more talkative and forthcoming today but I have been dismissive and have not initiated contact once.

I am VERY scared of being alone. I think it just confirms childhood issues of being worthless (sexual, physical and psychological abuse will do that).

OP posts:

cozietoesie · 10/04/2014 20:56

I'm thinking of that image of you sitting downstairs crying for a couple of hours while everyone else was upstairs doing their thing - until your DD came down. It's almost as if you're 'not there' in some way - to yourself as well.

Have you ever had counselling, Salford ? It's not something I'm very knowledgeable about but other posters will be. I just feel that you need to get in touch with yourself before you'll be ready to move on with your life - whatever that future path may be.

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