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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm a mess. Marriage is over. Kids hate me.

142 replies

SalfordSky · 06/04/2014 22:17

I'm sobbing my heart out. I've finally realised my husband loves me but isn't in love anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
SalfordSky · 07/04/2014 00:37

On the top diving board. Too late to go back. What if it all goes wrong? Better the devil you know?

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Original poster
SalfordSky · 07/04/2014 00:38

I'm going to TRY and sleep. Thank you everyone. I really mean it.

If its not in ten minutes then I will speak to you all tomorrow x

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MsPeterPan · 07/04/2014 00:46

God love you x
Don't ever loose sight of the fact that you are a wonderful person. Your marriage may have gone astray, but that doesn't reflect on who you are! Have faith, keep your dignity and stay strong. You are a person in your own right, just remember that....not just somebodies wife or mother.

If I was you I would definitely head off to that holiday home for a few days with your little girl. Let your husband and teens get a taste of life without you for a few days. And more importantly, allow yourself some breathing space. You need to do some deep thinking lady. Time to rebuild yourself, to stop feeling dependent on others for your happiness and feel empowered by your own strength. YOU are a great person and YOU are entitled too.

Lots of hugs xx I will be thinking of you tonight.

Original poster
SalfordSky · 07/04/2014 00:48

xxx

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MexicanSpringtime · 07/04/2014 03:02

And don't worry about your teenagers, my daughter could go from loving me to hating me in two seconds flat, I think they just feel everything so much more intensely and instantly.

The longer you are in a relationship the harder it is too get out, but it's not true that "better the devil you know", life is too short to spend it with someone who doesn't appreciate you.

Caramelle · 07/04/2014 03:23

I like the idea of you getting away with your little one. I hope you're feeling better in the morning.

Deathwatchbeetle · 07/04/2014 07:47

Sounds like a good idea for just you and the seen year old to go away but make it at least a week, by then the others should start to miss you. Take no notice if they ask to come to. They really have to experience life without you for a while.

Loggins · 07/04/2014 08:52

How are you feeling this morning? A few days away sounds like a good idea, you need time to think.
Going to see a solicitor is not being 'a piece of work', it's being a good mum

ExcuseTypos · 07/04/2014 08:59

I hope you managed to sleep for a while last night.
I also hope you're packing now to go away with your dd for a few days. Smile

Bugger the rest of them for a bit, go and enjoy yourself with dd.

BlueFrenchHorn · 07/04/2014 08:59

How are you Salford?

LEMmingaround · 07/04/2014 09:39

I am so glad you came back Salford - I was worried abuot you.

I live in kent on the coast, its raining today but the rest o the week is meant to be good! Your 7yo will love going to the caravan - do go! Leave those grumpy teenageres with their father and have some quality time with the little one. My eldest DD is 23 and OMFG was she vile as a teenager - she is lovely now (although thankfully moved out!). Try not to take their attitudes personally, they are so self centred at that age.

As for your 'DH' well screw him! You did the right thing going to a solicitor - what did they say? I think your self esteem and joy in life lies in getting away from him - i know you can't see this now but this will be a good thing. Don't waste anymore of yourself on him - he doesn't deserve you. Your children will not continue to be charmed by him, they will see him for what he is.

So, are you going to go to the coast? There is probably lots going on for the 7yo to do.

Isabeller · 07/04/2014 09:46

Your parents being alcoholics might be having an effect on how you are coping with this situation.

I went to Alanon meetings in Kent years ago (for people who've been affected by someone else's drinking) and there were some lovely people. You don't have to say anything if you don't want to you can just listen.

I went when I was at my most desperate about my marriage and found help.

struggling100 · 07/04/2014 09:56

Salford - Thanks Thanks Thanks

You mentioned that your parents are alcoholics. I am wondering whether the issue here is one of codependence, which is basically where someone learns to be controlled by someone who is narcissistic or who has drug/alcohol dependency problems. The classic pattern is that the person learns to put everyone else's needs before their own, in a way that goes beyond normal self-sacrifice. The codependent person needs to be needed - and cannot bear the thought of being alone without anyone to take care of. They go on to create other unhealthy relationships, characterised by one-way giving, in which they are always the victim/martyr.

I am wondering whether this is your case: that you've learnt codependency from your parents, and then chosen a spouse who is narcissistic - charming on the outside, but monstrously selfish on the inside. Basically, you've put everything in your life on the backburnder for him, because it feels like this is the way to 'win' his affection - and he's responded by treating you with coldness and a lack of respect. You are annihilated by this, feeling completely underappreciated. The fact that you were sitting on the sofa, expecting your kids to come and comfort you, and hurt by their indifference speaks volumes about the extent to which you are reliant on others to give you what you need, instead of finding it inside. Don't get me wrong - your kids sound like they've learnt some of this behaviour from DH - though, as others have wisely said, it is not exactly unusual for teenagers to be excessively narcissistic - in fact, it's almost par for the course.

If this rings bells, then I definitely recommend that you put yourself first for once, and look for help. There are a lot of groups for codependency, because it's really quite common - and you might find meeting others really useful in terms of understanding the behaviours, and learning new boundaries that pay more attention to your own needs and desires and your own wellbeing.

MarianneM · 07/04/2014 10:09

You sound depressed and not thinking straight.

Not wanting to live because your husband isn't "in love" with you after 17 years is really OTT - who is "in love" with their partner after so long?

And your children...they need you even after they stop being babies. Teenagers often hate everyone! It is really the parents' lot to be there for the children, not the other way round. Think how your older children would feel if you just left them with your youngest!

And children always expect their parents to do everything for them and take them for granted, it doesn't mean they don't love you.

Sort out your depression, see a GP, but you are really not being fair to your children.

Caramelle · 07/04/2014 12:04

Thinking of you today. I hope things are looking better after a night's sleep. (Assuming you slept).

Original poster
SalfordSky · 07/04/2014 12:25

Thank you for your replies. I do suffer from depression and am medicated (ugh). Last night I felt suicidal but I am NOT suicidal. It seems so simple but I know it would cause painful ripples on others for years.

I am NOT codependent and also attended Alanon for some time, plus counselling which helped me to compartmentalise my need to always be there for others. I do this now because I am a good wife/friend/mother but I'm not a doormat. Hence my decision to leave. I am very raw and emotional at the moment but I think that is normal rather than some kind of unstable looney that needs help.

I don't think anyone who has come to a decision about their marriage ending has not been so low they have possibly albeit briefly considered suicide. But today is a new day and I'm still hurt but it's time to move on.

I have talked calmly to the eldest two and they have been lovely. We have had a good cry and a hug and my eldest is going to see friends at Uni for a few days and my other two are coming with me.

My eldest asked my dh to come home to try and talk things out and he said he was too busy at work. She said if she was at hospital would he come home, he said yes. She and my son said that spoke volumes and in a way it has made it easier for them.

As for saying who is in love after 17 years of marriage? Wow. I pity you. You clearly married the wrong man. Despite everything, I do still love my dh. I do enjoy making plans for us, spending time with him, seeing books I know he would like etc. Yet he does not feel the same, and as much as it hurts, that's ok. It's time to move on. I don't expect hearts and flowers and mad sex every time we see each other but I would like to be cherished in some way and believe I am worth that.

My kids are lovely and yes, we're just being teenagers, but today they have been kind and apologetic.

I'm hurting like hell and feel really apprehensive and I am sorry for being such a drama queen last night. I cried til the sun came up then fell asleep (looking MIGHTY FINE today!).

Today he has said I am pathetic and spiteful and crying wolf. Lets see eh?

OP posts:
maras2 · 07/04/2014 12:36

He's a very cruel man Salford . Good luck with moving on . Wouldn't it be easier if there was a surefire way of falling out of love ? Glad your kids are being supportive . Mx.

Gen35 · 07/04/2014 12:36

I'm so glad your older kids have stepped up. Teenagers aren't much more advanced than toddlers, everything is about them for a while but they do need and love you.
I hope you find the strength you need to find a life you want to live away from your horrible dh.

Caramelle · 07/04/2014 12:38

He sounds absolutely cruel. I am SO glad your eldest were supportive of you. You sound very strong today, I'm glad for you that you are moving forward. :)

Tulipsandclogs · 07/04/2014 15:09

Afternoon, crack on girl! great news this morning. I believe there is a website that calculates what benefits you would be entitled to, I know it's not ideal, but will help you get moving and give you some time to work out what you want to do for yourself. Bearing in mind he will need to support you, a friend had two young children, a judge worked out based on ex's salary exactly what he should pay to both the children and her, of course her entitlement was only met until she met and moved in with somebody (she has now, and life couldn't be better) you have the caravan for holidays with the children. You know all this anyway! but quite excited for your happy ending, but totally feel your pain of loss too.. Sending a big hug, in time it's going to be ok. xx

myroomisatip · 07/04/2014 15:11

:(

I just read your thread and shed tears for you.

I wish there was a magic tablet you could take for emotional pain. What you said brought it all back to me. I know how much it hurts.

You sound a really lovely lady and I hope you can stay strong. You absolutely deserve to feel cherished and loved and it is utterly soul destroying to be in a relationship where you are not.

It is chucking it down I know but the weather should be better for the rest of the week so go and have a break at your caravan and start planning the rest of your life. (( hugs ))

whitsernam · 07/04/2014 15:17

I came across a quote today that I would like to share with you: Be with someone who is proud to have you.

Sure, we all have tough times in any relationship... but in the end, if your husband thinks you're "pathetic" you both need to let go and move on. Maybe you'll be on your own with your children (who sound lovely!... hmmm... who did they learn that from?) or maybe you'll find someone who is proud to have you; but either way, you'll be better off emotionally and health-wise, and that is everything.

MillyJones · 07/04/2014 15:56

Marianne I am in love with my husband and he is in love with me....more so now than ever as our kids have grown up and its our time as a couple again. If you don't feel in love then maybe you need to examine your relationship because you both deserve more.
Salford you sound so much more sorted today. You will have ups and downs but you will get there x

Original poster
SalfordSky · 07/04/2014 17:18

Ok. Am at our van with kids and dog. Hellish rain coming down but it's starting to clear (hmmm seems like a metaphor).

I'm absolutely shattered. But surprisingly calm. He has started asking if I have enough money and when I plan on coming home. I don't know. Maybe two weeks. I have my laptop, so I need to do a bit of research. He has a good job now but due to his fuckupery we lost our home a few years back and we are in a housing association h

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Original poster
SalfordSky · 07/04/2014 17:21

ouse. It's in my name only. We split for a year due to his indiscretions, so at least it's my house. Making him leave may be altogether a different thing?

Crikey I am tired...

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