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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So I'm to fat to have sex with!!!

128 replies

Katecake · 06/04/2014 15:43

Since I got pregnant (unplanned) things have gone from bad to worse, was already having issues regarding his drinking and some messages he sent to a ex while drunk and he really did not want the baby, he seemed to change his tune when I was 6 weeks and said he did and was looking forward to having baby!

So now this is where we are, in 16 weeks pregnant, I'm very slim and 5"6 and a size 8 being 4 months pregnant I have got a little pot belly really nothing major people at work etc havenot even noticed yet!

Since we got back together we have not had sex at all, not a cuddle anything! He constantly says things like we will have sex after the baby is born and I have got my figure back or that he could never get a hard on for a fat girl etc!

If I was 38 weeks I might understand this but I have always been lucky that even after 3 pregnancies in 3 years I have always snapped straight back to a very slim size 8 with no stretch marks etc and good boobs because I have implants from when I was 22!

Now my problems here are the ex he was messaging last year begging for sex was not the Slim 19 year old model he was with, 14 years later and a few kids she is holding a lot more weight!

He is actually making me feel shit about myself and it upsets me, we have spoken about this a few times over the last few weeks and still he has made no effort!

Today we had crossed words about it and he just went home claiming a a hormonal pregnant cow!

I'm just starting to think this might not be about how I'm looking at the moment maybe more that he just does not want this baby atall and is feeling trapped into having to do the right thing!

I just find myself crying every weekend, I feel gross and can't get my head round why he wouldn't want any intimacy with me (the girl he apprantly loves) but would message a overweight ex for sex!

just starting to wonder if it's worth it, should I just end it and let him off with the responsibility of being a father?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 06/04/2014 16:30

that is a rhetorical question, btw. What you do is your own business, but I think you be examining your own thought processes a bit more carefully

AnyFucker · 06/04/2014 16:30

should

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 06/04/2014 16:32

"Your problem isn't that you are too fat to have sex with. Your problem is that he's a cunt."

Yeah, this. And what AF said.

mammadiggingdeep · 06/04/2014 16:35

How was he in your other pregnancies? Did you have sec at this stage? In other words- is it just this pregnancy when he's acting like a cunt??

RedRoom · 06/04/2014 16:41

He's shallow about appearances (he outright told you that he'll have sex with you when you've got your figure back, but you are only 16 weeks) and no, he is not excited to be having a baby (he told his ex he didn't want it). That much is clear.

You also place too much emphasis on what you think men should find attractive (If I was 38 weeks I might understand this but I have always been lucky that even after 3 pregnancies in 3 years I have always snapped straight back to a very slim size 8 with no stretch marks etc and good boobs because I have implants from when I was 22!). So what if a woman's body didn't spring back after childbirth and her breasts drooped because she didn't have implants? Plenty of men are in relationships with women who have mummy tummies and no implants, and have lots of loving sex. If a flat stomach and implants are suppose to be your security clause in a relationship, it doesn't seem very positive.

He has also messaged an ex for sex, makes you feel gross and doesn't even bother to cuddle you anymore.

You are having a baby with him- why?

Original poster
Katecake · 06/04/2014 16:43

Anyfucker

I'm trying to figure out if this lack of intimacy is due to the fact he doesn't like my figure now I'm pregnant when he apprantly has such strong views on what type of women he likes etc or if this in fact has nothing to do with it me and my figure but more of a "he doesn't want this baby/relationship" so is just being a spiteful cunt!

The bit about his ex was only out in to try in show how he says he does not like overweight/fat girls etc but could happily message her for it, I was in no way trying to slate his ex or her size!

I am proud of the fact that I have done well in maintaining my figure after children but that doesn't make me a bad person or think anything less of anyone who struggles to lose weight/ or is bigger! I'm also very fussy about keeping myself well groomed but again I don't judge others it's just who I am and prob has a lot to do with my upbringing, the ladies in my life were all very glam and I grew up sitting there watching them fix there hair and face and was a proper girl how loved all the clothes and make up!

If I wasn't pregnant then yes this relationship would of ended but I was trying to give it a go because of the baby.

And all that has happened is that I have actually been make to feel totally shit about myself

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 06/04/2014 16:43

This is certainly a clear cut case. Leave.

Original poster
Katecake · 06/04/2014 16:44

Mammadiggingdeep he is not the father of my other children

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 06/04/2014 16:44

Then you know what you need to do, love

Ditch the tosser.

RedRoom · 06/04/2014 16:46

Who gives a shit whether he 'likes your figure now' enough to have sex with you? That bump that you have that has ruined your figure to the point of you being repellant- well, that's his baby in there! Sorry, am I missing something? He gets a woman pregnant but expects her body to remain the same for nine months and snap back, just because anything that shows she's had a baby is gross? Dear god, he needs to grow up.

overmydeadbody · 06/04/2014 16:51

Having read your last post, you really do need to leave. Why stay with him for the baby? That won't do anyone any good.

NancyJones · 06/04/2014 16:54

But the fact is there is nothing to figure out because you already know he doesn't respect you and certainly doesn't love you. Because if he did it really wouldn't bother him that you were 16wks pregnant with his child. Even if he had some form of psychological issues with sex during pregnancy, the fact that he won't even cuddle you and calls you a hormonal bitch tells you all you need to know.

NancyJones · 06/04/2014 16:58

redroom, I remember someone posting on here once a few years ago about how her DH was cross that she'd left a box of tampax out on the side. He couldn't bear to hear of see any mention of something as gross as menstruation. I remember reading it with my mouth wide open and then telling DH. He asked if the husband was 12 as grown men don't behave that way. Your post reminded me of that thread.

RedRoom · 06/04/2014 17:10

Exactly. My DH once had to queue up and buy me a whole range of embarrassing 'women's items' in Boots. He just got on with it, like an adult.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 06/04/2014 17:31

Jesus love, he's horrible! Please dump the motherfucker already.

Darkesteyes · 06/04/2014 17:39

Yes Dump. Hes an arsehole But OP your thought processes come across as rather shallow too.
Agree with AF Ive been dieting since last August and have only lost just not quite 2 stone Yet ive followed the SW plan stayed WELL below my syns and only had choc at Xmas. Am actually considering taking diet pills Ive tried excsrsising Ive tried not excesrsising. Makes no difference In 8 months ive had 2 takeaways a Dominos on August 4 last year and fish and chips on NYE.

The weight is crawling off And attitudes like the ones shown here dont help.

Some of us cant help being a bit bigger and short of sticking our fingers down my throat i dont see what else i can do.

Giveme5minutes · 06/04/2014 17:42

You know op, even those of us that are lucky enough to 'ping' back into shape, will have a few weeks of being a bit lumpy & bumpy.

I was in size 8 jeans by day 8...

If he treats you like this now, can you imagine how shit it will be when you've a screaming baby & not in perfect physical shape?

Get rid now - save yourself alot of hassle!

Original poster
Katecake · 06/04/2014 18:05

Darkesteye well done on your weight loss you must be extermly proud of yourself, my best friend is currently battling and so far over 3 years she has lost 7 stone, she looks fantastic and has really grown in confidence, that podium dancer i met back in that nightclub age 18 is begining to shine through again, she is still not 100% where she wants to be and is really struggling with the last stone she has just seemed to of come to a standstill no matter how far she runs, how many gym sessions she does ect, but I'm just so glad she is now happier in herself and the confident girl I first met is shining through now, because sadly the last 10 years have been a huge battle for her and she has suffered terribly with anxiety and very low self esteem!

Please don't think the comments about weight were in anyway to slate others because they were not, they were put down as comments/views ect that my DP seems to have and I was trying to give the whole picture so I apologise if they came across wrongly!

OP posts:
growingolddicustingly · 06/04/2014 18:10

OP you talk about your friend's self esteem in your last post. Very gently can I ask you where the hell your self esteem has gone to? My first LTB.

mammadiggingdeep · 06/04/2014 18:11

Darkest eyes....that is will power. Massive admiration!! Bloody brilliant.

Original poster
Katecake · 06/04/2014 18:16

Growing old- my self esteem is gone, lost it somewhere in the last 10weeks, bloody annoying but hoping to find it again...... And soon!

OP posts:
Darkesteyes · 06/04/2014 18:19

Thanks ladies. I did lose ten stone in 2002/2003 a stone a month for seven months and it did take me over a year to lose the last 3. So ive always had to fight it.

Sorry for the thread derail OP Im feeling a bit delicate at the mo and am maybe projecting Thanks But i still think you should get rid. You deserve better OP.

growingolddicustingly · 06/04/2014 18:20

Good for you Katecake! I hope you have a stress free and dickhead free pregnancy Flowers

mammadiggingdeep · 06/04/2014 18:25

I think your self esteem would greatly improve if you ditched the dickhead telling you at 16 weeks that you're too fat to have sex with. Idiot.

Darkest...keep it up...I managed 2 months at w watchers before my will power dried up. I'm seriously in awe of you!

AnyFucker · 06/04/2014 18:29

Keep going, DE. And don't go the diet pills route !