Is this a friend?

[PeaceAtAnyPrice]

I would like some views please. A bit about me would probably help, my family are very dysfunctional and I have very little to do with them so friends are probably more important to me than the average person. Maybe this makes me expect too much.

I have known f for 3 years, she lives in the same street as me with her DH and 2DCs. We have been quite friendly we'll pop to each other's houses for tea/coffee and taken out the children occasionally. She applied for a job recently and asked if I could provide a character reference. I also have 1DC. I recently split with DP just after Xmas so I live just me and my DC.

Anyway over the last year she has done a few things that have annoyed me but wondered whether they were a bit petty to get upset over. Rather than muddy the waters I would rather just explain the most recent thing which has upset me.

This weekend my exDP had DC from Friday -Sunday. I chatted to her on Friday afternoon and mentioned I felt really rough and ill and I would have to go to bed. I went to out of hours on Saturday who diagnosed acute bronchitis and gave me antibiotics and strong painkillers. Anyway, I got even worse so the paramedics came out at about 7.30pm did some tests and diagnosed me with pneumonia. I was in a lot of pain but they couldn't give me anything stronger than I already had. They asked if I could contact someone to spend the night with me. The paramedic stayed with me a bit and made me comfortable under a blanket in the living room and brought me my Mobile and water. So she left at 9, I tried ringing friends I'm closer with but could get no answer, I guessed they were out drinking. So I rang f and explained the situation and asked if she could come over for a bit, she said she had friends over but would come over when they left. At 10.30 I texted her asking her please could she come. I was feeling in a really bad way and was hoping she could help me get my next lot of medication and help me to bed. I didn't actually say this to her so maybe it wasn't clear to her ? Anyway after 30 minutes I didn't hear from her so I just dragged myself up and sorted myself out and put myself to bed. I turned my phone on silent. At 12.30am I heard the doorbell I guessed it was her but felt in no state to answer it anyway. This morning I saw she had rang me at 11.30pm last night and also texted saying she hadn't seen my text. I texted her this morning just to say I was ok just resting. Then she texted asking if I wanted her to pop around, she could come at 11am if that ok for me? So no apology, no 'is there anything I can do'. I texted saying I would be sleeping mostly and would text if I needed her.

I feel very disappointed and let down, but am I over reacting?

Have you ever done anything for her?

You sound very high maintenance tbh.

Everybody in life is different and has different qualities. Some people are extremely caring, thoughtful and generous.
Some people arnt so much, but that doesn't mean they aren't good people or good friends. She may fall into that category, and may have reacted exactly the same with any one of her friends, even closer friends than you.

I know that if I was ill and needed someone to assist me, the two people I consider my best friends wouldn't be the best choice of people to ask. I love them to bits and they are my closest friends for many reasons, being caring and responsive arnt their best qualities.

However, I have other friends who I'm not as close to, who I know would be here in a shot, because that's just what they are like.

Rosh did you miss the character reference?

Sorry your so ill. I think you are expecting a bit much. I would have done the same as your friend and I consider myself caring.

Folkgirl, that was ONE thing, Rosh could be forgiven forgetting a letter.

I bet the friend was thinking "The ONE time I have invited friends, neighbour wants me to come sit and mop her fevered brow, just my luck!"

What everyone else said. I must say I would feel quite uncomfortable helping anyone who wasn't family or a very close friend to go to bed... it's very intimate and I don't quite understand what you needed her to do? Of course I'd do it in a life or death situation but this doesn't really sound like that.

Your illness sounds horrible, though, I hope you're feeling better now.

You are over reacting. You seem to expect friendships on your own terms and are very unforgiving and unwilling to accept compromise.

If she told you she would come round after her friends left and that she then did, this seems fair to me. How do you know that the friends didn't also have issues they needed help with too?

If you genuinely don't like her, then drop the friendship.

But she did come round op. She had friends round and still came round to you. And she got back to you unlike the other friends you contacted. You are lucky she came round at all because a lot of people have no one!

Just adding to the chorus.

The paramedics would not have left you on your own if you couldn't have taken care of yourself.

If I were you I'd be mortified I'd phoned an acquaintance on a saturday night to come and nursemaid me. I have a colleague who was recently diagnosed with pneumonia and was still coming into work!!!

And wtf with the character reference. You sound a bit like the Judy Dench character from notes on a scandal.

She rang you an hour after you rang her. That seems fine I think

Goodness me, the friend sounds lovely in checking up on you at 12.30 and again the next day, given you haven't known her that long. She went over and above in checking on you, especially as she had friends round.

What did you want from her? You had been checked out medically, so what on earth could she do to help? Hand you the tablets? She was busy with friends and you are sounding so precious. I have a friend I've known for 35 years and I wouldn't dream of asking her to come round and nurse me when she's busy.

I'm sure you are feeling sorry for yourself and that is understandable. However, I do think it's beyond the pale going on about the character reference. What's that to do with the price of fish? She asked you for a reference, you gave it. Does that favour have to be paid back forever? I do things for friends and I never count them up - that's what friendship's about. You may well say here "well she didn't come round when I was ill" but you had had paramedics round, you were OK (even if you were feeling sorry for yourself) and all you needed was to go to bed.

If you were as bad as you are saying, why the heck didn't you take your mobile up to bed with you? I think you were in a strop friend had't dropped everything and come round immediately and you left it downstairs so that there would be no reply and then she would worry when she did try and get hold of you. That worked. She came round. You didn't answer the door. If you were so desperately ill, you would have made sure you could answer the phone and/or door.

I don't understand why you cut your pubbing friends some slack but not your friend socialising

I think you are over reacting, she sounds like she did everything she could. She tried to call you and go round after her friends had left and asked to pop round the following day. I would say she's been a good friend.

It must have been pretty frightening feeling so ill and alone, particularly after being seen by paramedics. I think maybe the neighbour didn't realise how poorly you were as coming round at 12.30 seems abit late if someone is ill (bound to be in bed). It's good that she checked again though in the morning.
Hope you feel better OP.

OP - please don't feel like you have to react to any of this right now. You're sick, and you should be focused on getting better. When I'm ill, I can't think straight about the simplest things, let alone decide if someone is being a good friend or not. I think when you feel a bit better, you might see this situation a bit differently.

I am sure it was really scary being by yourself, but your friend did come over as soon as she could. And you were OK (going down the route of 'what if I'd been unconscious on the floor' is neither helpful nor mature in these situations - it's quite attention-seeking to be honest).

Pneumonia is frightening, painful and can make you feel really very emotional and down. Be very careful not to overdo it for a few days (seriously, like even having a bath could mean going back to bed for a short rest before getting dressed), and don't go out for a bit unless you absolutely have to. Forget housework. Have light high calorie meals: chicken soup, scrambled egg and if all else fails have sweets to keep going.

You may find people do better with very specific requests, e.g. 'Could you drop round some X for me today?' than just generally asking people to come over etc.

If in a week you haven't improved you need a stronger antibiotic, so go back to the GP or go to hospital.

"The first time I mentioned it was because to me if you ask someone to give you a character reference I would think they think of you more than an acquaintance."

I think you've genuinely misunderstood this.

If I was choosing someone to do me a character reference I might well choose a neighbour who I knew a little but not that well, i.e. someone who is likely to have known you for a little while and will know what you're like, but without being friends.

You don't want to use a friend as that wouldn't come across well (of course they're going to say you're great!), but a neighbour is ideal.

I've just wasted a lot of time at work reading through all of this expecting the OP to have realised what a massive overreaction this was and am shocked to find that she still stands by her initial comments.

I really don't understand what the issue was. You asked your friend to pop in on you, which she did albeit later than planned but it was her Saturday night and she had plans. She could have lied and said that she was miles away and that she wouldn't be able to get there at all. Maybe she should have text when her friends left saying something like "friends only just gone, would you still like me to pop over" but then you wouldn't have received that either.

Well what an enlightenment posting this has been!

Firstly with everyone saying I am over-reacting, what exactly is my over-reaction? That I said in an anonymous post that ‘I feel disappointed and let down’ and that I was adjusting my view of a friend to an acquaintance? That’s barely even a ‘reaction’ surely?? I have not said anything nasty, I have not said or done anything outside this forum.

Most posters have come on and criticised me, mocked me, berated me, accused me of all sorts, called me names, twisted the events to suit, whilst knowing that I am ill with pneumonia and really have done nothing wrong except expressed disappointment anonymously on a forum that you don’t agree with. Even if you disagree with someone’s point of view, expressing it so unpleasantly tells me not to take one jot of notice of what you have to say.

I originally posted here months ago when I had problems with exDP. I had lots of support then, from completely different posters. I think different posters get attracted to different threads. I had a look over some other threads and there seems to be a pattern where someone who is vulnerable posts something, and certain posters immediately start posting really negative, critical posts mocking the OP. Maybe you get some kind of sick kick out of it who knows. I am just glad I am not like you.

Now you may be wondering why I made this post and really its for me really, as it has been enlightening to learn the variety of people that exist, so thank you for that ?. To the minority of ‘pleasant posters’, thank you for your sympathy and concern, it is appreciated. No doubt the ‘unpleasant ones’ will be thinking of something else they can post that will upset me but honestly, I have long moved on.

All the best people!

You asked if you were overreacting...your friend DID come over to you just not immediately.

What else do you want people to say?

Oh FFS. Your first words of your original post: "I would like your views please" and your last words of your original post: "But am I over reacting?"

I don't think anyone was unpleasant or even blunt until you basically argued with us that we were all wrong. So why bother to ask in the first place? With every subsequent posting you made yourself sound more unreasonable and refused to see any view other than your own.

Drama llama.

Well personally, OP, I certainly only wanted to help. When we expect to much from friends that only sets us up to suffer over and over again.