Is this a friend?

[PeaceAtAnyPrice]

I would like some views please. A bit about me would probably help, my family are very dysfunctional and I have very little to do with them so friends are probably more important to me than the average person. Maybe this makes me expect too much.

I have known f for 3 years, she lives in the same street as me with her DH and 2DCs. We have been quite friendly we'll pop to each other's houses for tea/coffee and taken out the children occasionally. She applied for a job recently and asked if I could provide a character reference. I also have 1DC. I recently split with DP just after Xmas so I live just me and my DC.

Anyway over the last year she has done a few things that have annoyed me but wondered whether they were a bit petty to get upset over. Rather than muddy the waters I would rather just explain the most recent thing which has upset me.

This weekend my exDP had DC from Friday -Sunday. I chatted to her on Friday afternoon and mentioned I felt really rough and ill and I would have to go to bed. I went to out of hours on Saturday who diagnosed acute bronchitis and gave me antibiotics and strong painkillers. Anyway, I got even worse so the paramedics came out at about 7.30pm did some tests and diagnosed me with pneumonia. I was in a lot of pain but they couldn't give me anything stronger than I already had. They asked if I could contact someone to spend the night with me. The paramedic stayed with me a bit and made me comfortable under a blanket in the living room and brought me my Mobile and water. So she left at 9, I tried ringing friends I'm closer with but could get no answer, I guessed they were out drinking. So I rang f and explained the situation and asked if she could come over for a bit, she said she had friends over but would come over when they left. At 10.30 I texted her asking her please could she come. I was feeling in a really bad way and was hoping she could help me get my next lot of medication and help me to bed. I didn't actually say this to her so maybe it wasn't clear to her ? Anyway after 30 minutes I didn't hear from her so I just dragged myself up and sorted myself out and put myself to bed. I turned my phone on silent. At 12.30am I heard the doorbell I guessed it was her but felt in no state to answer it anyway. This morning I saw she had rang me at 11.30pm last night and also texted saying she hadn't seen my text. I texted her this morning just to say I was ok just resting. Then she texted asking if I wanted her to pop around, she could come at 11am if that ok for me? So no apology, no 'is there anything I can do'. I texted saying I would be sleeping mostly and would text if I needed her.

I feel very disappointed and let down, but am I over reacting?

Sorry OP but you are over reacting.

By your own admission you didn't make it clear that you wanted her to help you to bed.

She actually sounds like an excellent friend to have made the effort to come over after midnight to check on you - that surely is the definition of a friend being there for you no matter what the time.

I would imagine that being so ill has made you feel quite vulnerable and miserable, so your over reaction is perhaps understandable. When we are ill everything can seem worse than it really is.

Hope you are on your way to recovery, sounds like you've had a terrible weekend.

I did ring her at 9pm. it was clear I was distressed and I have never asked her for anything before. She doesn't normally have friends late so I assumed that they would be gone within an hour. I texted at 10.30 apologising but I really needed her to come round please. I'm guessing her friends left at 11.30 which was when she tried to ring but I had gone to bed. I don't need her to come around today as I'm able to get around a lot better, antibiotics are starting to kick in. I needed her 9pm last night!!

I was struggling physically last night even moving around was hard and made me feel faint and sick, in fact I was sick in bed last night. But yes I guess it was just having some emotional support too.

Sorry I know you feel lousy but you are expecting too much. I know you said you aren't close to family but friends aren't family so she cannot be expected to drop everything for you especially if she had friends there.
You are over reacting.

I think your friend sounds like a good friend. She had guests over but came as soon as it was convenient for her, and she checked up on you this morning. That's what a good friend does.

Sometimes friends do drop what they are doing to be with other friends when it isn't 100% convenient to them, but that is their call to make. You don't get to decide what is and what isn't convenient for your friend.

Being sick can make the best of us a bit irrational. I hope you feel better soon.

Defineme I think you got it spot on. What I was expecting is the kind of thing a partner or family member would do and not having either of those I hoped I could get it from a friend. I just have to accept my situation and expect less from my friends. It's not easy though :(

It sounds like you were hoping people would say your friend is in the wrong. I agree with PP that you are over reacting, and that she probably didn't get the urgency of the situation as you texted the second time. She actually sounds nice and perfectly normal for someone who sounds like a 'good acquaintance' rather than a close friend.

You sound pissed off, but I'd be careful not to allow that to come across to F. She hasn't actually done anything wrong. I don't want to be harsh, but there's no obligation for friends to jump at your request 100% of the time. It's nice if people can and do, but you being ill is not actually her problem and she was entertaining. It would be a shame to make a potentially good friendship go 'weird' because your expectations are way above what one could expect of someone you're admittedly not that close to...

Well I am a bit surprise that so many of you are declaring her to be a wonderful person / friend (and myself just as hard work of course).

A little bit more information about 'friend'. I have done favours for her admittedly not huge ones but I've provided character reference for her (she texted me in work to make sure id sent it off as the timing was important to her). I have lent her small sums of money (not since split but before that). We have as mentioned taken our children out on occasion to kid type places, on two occasions we have made plans then she has cancelled at short notice for reasons which didn't seem that realistic. My DC has been upset as although I've still taken him, he looks forward to playing with her DCs. Also when I split with DP I told her and within hours she told 2 of the neighbours which I thought was out of order. She also gave me the 'anytime you need me then just call, I can easy just pop around' line. Also the other day her DC wouldn't go to sleep for a nap and she kept calling her a little 'bitch'. So even though you 'warn' me not to 'lose' this friend, I am not sure if i get anything positive from our friendship!

If you don't like her, then don't be her friend. Simple as that.

So how come she's the person you called on late on a Saturday night then

Genuinely, after you are well again I would think about your friendships and what you get from them.

I have friends who I consider as close/closer than family. None of them would be surprised to hear me say that though, it is mutual. Sounds like you and this friend are on different pages of the book to me. Neighbourly but nothing more.

So, you don't like her very much but still expected her to drop everything last night to come and help you? Weird.

Dump her as a friend then. Sounds like you don't like her much, and you'd rung others who were closer before you rang her. The others didn't pick up at all. She did and now she gets the blame for not flying over.

Sounds like a combo of bad timing, not quite realising the urgency and trying to be helpful but failing. I'm not seeing any malice or not giving a fuckness.

She's, what, 3 levels down the 'people to phone when you need support' list? She had friends round, having a nice time. She probably thought they'd be gone sooner and she could come round then but the evening lasted longer, time passed quicker for her than you. She did then come round.

I hope you feel better soon and you get some helpful company today.

OP all the things you mention are normal interactions. Twice she cancelled, she was late calling round,etc, etc. These are not huge things, even if they seem this way.

This woman is your friend. Not your partner or parent. Your expectations of her are too high. She is supporting you, but she does have her own life . Do you actually like her?

I know you felt rotten last night, but it's almost like you were blaming her for that, if you see what I mean?

Wow, I'm afraid you do come across as hard work. She was a good friend to you last night and this morning.

It's not easy when you are on your own and things seem so much worse when you feel desperately ill. I can understand you feeling down about it today.

My family is far away, I'm single. I'm lucky that I have a lot of local people I can reach out to if I was ill and needed help. I wouldn't put responsibility on any one of them though, maybe some a bit more than others. I would throw the net out and hope that at least one or two could nip round and look after me a bit.

She is not your best friend of 30 years, she is a neighbour you are on friendly terms with. Maybe she is a friend. There are different levels of friendship though.

OH! I see. So you wrote her a letter and that means she owes you!

OP, she tried to be helpful. Communication went wrong, she had people in you had your phone on silent. She tried again in the morning.

What do you think she did wrong?

I appreciate you felt like crap, but please don't blame her for not being able to drop everything and run to you. That makes you sound like a poppet princess.

I hope you feel better soon.

I wonder what she was thinking as she stood on your doorstep at 0030, ringing the bell to no reply. She had to decide whether to escalate things in case you were unconscious inside, or presume you were asleep/hadn't heard the bell, and ring you in the morning - which she did. Did you consider texting her when you heard the doorbell, to say thanks for coming round but I'm tucked up in bed now? To put her mind at rest?

I think you were expecting too much, OP. It would not occur to me to call any of my friends to come over to my house because I was feeling ill - I wouldn't even call a family member to come over, in fact. What would they do, exactly? I don't think I understand what you wanted her to do, specifically.

Anyway, you've now made it clear that you think she is a horrible person (which makes me wonder why you wanted her to come round) so you should probably distance yourself from her.

I wouldn't presume that I had a right to put a friend out simply to make things easier for myself. You didn't actually 'need' her, you got your medication and went to bed all by yourself.