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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this a friend?

138 replies

PeaceAtAnyPrice · 06/04/2014 13:29

I would like some views please. A bit about me would probably help, my family are very dysfunctional and I have very little to do with them so friends are probably more important to me than the average person. Maybe this makes me expect too much.

I have known f for 3 years, she lives in the same street as me with her DH and 2DCs. We have been quite friendly we'll pop to each other's houses for tea/coffee and taken out the children occasionally. She applied for a job recently and asked if I could provide a character reference. I also have 1DC. I recently split with DP just after Xmas so I live just me and my DC.

Anyway over the last year she has done a few things that have annoyed me but wondered whether they were a bit petty to get upset over. Rather than muddy the waters I would rather just explain the most recent thing which has upset me.

This weekend my exDP had DC from Friday -Sunday. I chatted to her on Friday afternoon and mentioned I felt really rough and ill and I would have to go to bed. I went to out of hours on Saturday who diagnosed acute bronchitis and gave me antibiotics and strong painkillers. Anyway, I got even worse so the paramedics came out at about 7.30pm did some tests and diagnosed me with pneumonia. I was in a lot of pain but they couldn't give me anything stronger than I already had. They asked if I could contact someone to spend the night with me. The paramedic stayed with me a bit and made me comfortable under a blanket in the living room and brought me my Mobile and water. So she left at 9, I tried ringing friends I'm closer with but could get no answer, I guessed they were out drinking. So I rang f and explained the situation and asked if she could come over for a bit, she said she had friends over but would come over when they left. At 10.30 I texted her asking her please could she come. I was feeling in a really bad way and was hoping she could help me get my next lot of medication and help me to bed. I didn't actually say this to her so maybe it wasn't clear to her ? Anyway after 30 minutes I didn't hear from her so I just dragged myself up and sorted myself out and put myself to bed. I turned my phone on silent. At 12.30am I heard the doorbell I guessed it was her but felt in no state to answer it anyway. This morning I saw she had rang me at 11.30pm last night and also texted saying she hadn't seen my text. I texted her this morning just to say I was ok just resting. Then she texted asking if I wanted her to pop around, she could come at 11am if that ok for me? So no apology, no 'is there anything I can do'. I texted saying I would be sleeping mostly and would text if I needed her.

I feel very disappointed and let down, but am I over reacting?

OP posts:

WhoNickedMyName · 06/04/2014 15:37

Your utter distain for this 'friend' comes across loud and clear in your update post.

Nobody else came round to help you. But yeah, if you get nothing positive from the friendship then drop her.

Original poster

PeaceAtAnyPrice · 06/04/2014 15:38

No I wasn't in any way saying she 'owes' me for the letter. The first time I mentioned it was because to me if you ask someone to give you a character reference I would think they think of you more than an acquaintance. The second time I mentioned it was because she needed me to do it very quickly I understood that and did so and didn't turn round and say well I can do it in a week because that's more convenient to me!
I'm not saying I don't like her she can sometimes be very pleasant and nobody is perfect! The two friends I rang before her live together and were out drinking! They also texted at midnight to ask if I was ok, they wouldn't have even known I was ill. There was no point me asking them to come over, they were drunk and live 30 minutes away. They have been to see me today so that was nice. I don't really have any other local friends, I have couple others but they live miles away!

However I do agree I expected too much of her last night. Maybe I'm just looking for an excuse to end our friendship cos of the other stuff

OP posts:

lemonstartree · 06/04/2014 15:38

I think you sound like hard work too. And I think your friend has been very supportive and kind. and You are not that ill, if you were that ill the paramedics would have taken you to hospital. You basically wanted a friend to drop everything in the middle of a dinner party to hold your hand, and are miffed that she did not ...

Original poster

PeaceAtAnyPrice · 06/04/2014 15:41

Lol she doesn't do dinner parties :)

OP posts:

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 06/04/2014 15:43

I agree OP you do sound like hard work.

You say you didn't expect her to have friends late, well she did. And she came around after. I agree with the above, did you text her when you heard the doorbell? She offered to come round this morning. But that isn't good enough either.

I wouldn't expect my friends to drop everything and come running. They work, they have lives. If they were free or it was a life or death thing then they would do what they can. I think you're expecting friends to run as soon as you click your fingers and life doesn't work like that. Plus she's the third person you phoned and it sounds like you don't like her anyway.

I've done references before for friends, I never expected anything back over it. I'm not owed favours.

Original poster

PeaceAtAnyPrice · 06/04/2014 15:51

Well if I am such hard work she won't miss me as a friend then will she? I didn't text when heard bell I had left phone downstairs as had carried all my pills and water bottle up and forgot it. Like I said I was feeling especially rough and even moving around sorting my tablets out made me vomit so wasn't about to go bouncing downstairs. I don't think she was overly concerned as when I texted her this morning she didn't reply for 2 hours and she didn't mention being worried about me.

OP posts:

cafesociety · 06/04/2014 15:53

One of the downsides of living on our own is how we have to cope with it all when we're ill. I've worked out no one is or will be there for me. I've struggled a lot in the past in various ways. Anyway I don't like people seeing me when I'm unwell, and I don't like seeing people when I'm unwell...what can they do exactly?

It's a tough one sometimes. But we have to get through real bad days and nights on our own sometimes, or else rely on the professional [GP, A&E, emergency services] people to help if things are that bad.

TheGirlFromIpanema · 06/04/2014 15:56

MmmmmmmKay.

OP you are not painting a very pretty picture of yourself at all on this thread.
Being kind, I would assume you are poorly and not quite yourself, but really, I'd leave it now as each time you post you come across worse.

andsmile · 06/04/2014 15:57

peace

Your OP and initial posts - I think she did come round albeit later, this is the sign of a good friend. I agree with others who have said it seemed like a miscommunication. I took from your posts that you were feeling quite poorly and down. It is easy to feel sorry for yourself and lonely when like this..and yes as someone else up thread said this is where you miss the more intimate care and attention from a partner.

Latter post re backstory - I think she has irritated you and you hold her to a higher standard in terms of friendship, maybe for resons you have said in your OP and it is good you recognise this as you can 'moderate' yourself IYKWIM. BUT I also feel she has let you down in relation to your standards and you have decided on some level to be resentful about this.

I think she is not the 'close & drop everything friend' you want her to be?

IME I dont have a close friend (but I do have a DH) that I feel I could ring and ask to do this, Im very chatty and outgoing but I am quite an arms length friend, sometimes I dont see people for 2 weeks then just pick up where we left off on a social level...

andsmile · 06/04/2014 15:59

I forgot to say sorry you are porly and hope your are feeling better.

expatinscotland · 06/04/2014 15:59

Good grief! Dump her. She's better off without you sniping about her not dropping everything to come over immediately.

Cerisier · 06/04/2014 16:07

OP how dare you be so stroppy about her not dropping everything to come and mop your brow. It wasn't a life threatening situation and you're not a child. I can't believe you contacted her in the first place.

Chloerose75 · 06/04/2014 16:12

You really do sound hard work.

It doesn't sound like you are close friends really so I'm not sure why you'd expect this.

I have had pneumonia, I know how shit it is, but you are not coming across well.

BillyBanter · 06/04/2014 16:13

Give her a break. She's got pneumonia.

BillyBanter · 06/04/2014 16:14

that was at cerisier, mostly.

FolkGirl · 06/04/2014 16:16

Well I'm in a similar position to you, OP. I don't have any family (except for a brother who lives too far to call on) and two children. It wouldn't occur to me to contact a friend unless it was an absolute emergency (which this wasn't).

I feel guilty if I have to ask someone to take my daughter for school for me when I'm ill, and that's when they have to walk past my house to get there anyway! There is absolutely no way I would expect a friend to do anything once they had told me that they had guests for the evening.

And I'd feel terribly guilty if they'd come over after midnight to check I was ok and I'd not [been able to] acknowledge it. I would be apologising to them for the inconvenience and hoping they weren't worried. I certainly wouldn't expect an apology from them. For what? Me not being their priority?

anonacfr · 06/04/2014 16:16

She seems well enough to birth about her 'friend'.

anonacfr · 06/04/2014 16:17

Bitch even.

cafesociety · 06/04/2014 16:29

It's early days since your relationship ended and you may be having problems realising that no one is there for you in bad times like a partner is. Your illness has brought that fact home suddenly. Tough to adjust like this. I've had to do it.

You may be expecting too much/relying too much from this friend as you want someone to care for you and replace the care you have lost. I think she did her bit to be fair.

I hope you are feeling a bit better today and things are more in perspective.

GiveItALashJack · 06/04/2014 16:46

You seemed to assume and expect things without actually saying what you want.

She did a good turn. You sound peevish which is understandable because you are sick but it doesn't make it right . She isn't your family member, she isn't your partner.

TheKnightsThatSayNee · 06/04/2014 17:14

Sorry I agree it sounds like she didn't do anything wrong. I think your hurt and it's clouding your judgement. If you ask Aibu you have to be ready to accept that you might be.
How are you feeling now? Pneumonia is awful, why do you give her a chance to come over and watch a film and make you a couple of cups of tea.

Original poster

PeaceAtAnyPrice · 06/04/2014 18:28

I've had a little sleep and thought some more and am thinking did I really expect too much? If she was anywhere other than her house (30 seconds away), or was tied up with a sick relative/child husband then I would have thought no more about it! She was having an informal get together with friends, I'm sure it wouldn't have been that much of an issue to say to them:
"Oh my friend down the road is really poorly she just had paramedics there, she has pneumonia and she's on her own. I'm just going to pop over to see she's comfortable, will be back in 20 minutes (Or 10 even). I'll leave you in the capable hands of my husband...."

I don't see how you can you can say I am expecting a friend to drop everything for me when this is the only thing I have asked of her in 3 years!!

I have no idea why she knocked the door at 12.30, maybe she felt a bit guilty by then? She must have known that I would need to sleep at some point everyone knows that the best thing for illness is rest/sleep plus pills make you groggy so a bit unrealistic for her to ring me 2.5 hours later and expect me to be awake waiting for her! Also I thought it was strange she said she didn't get my text for an hour as when I had rang her (also on her mobile) at 9pm she answered straightaway.

Also, I just messaged a girl I have met once through Netmums (apologies if mentioning the other site is offensive). I apologised for not being in touch last few days but feeling poorly and explained about the pneumonia. She was really sympathetic and asked me did I need any shopping bringing up or any help with my DC!! It actually brought a tear to my eye! That I can get this kindness from someone I have met once, when a 'friend' of 3 years seems really not that bothered (and no, not in any communication did the f offer to help in any way). If that is Mnetters idea of a 'good' friend then I think I'd rather be friendless!

OP posts:

RandomMess · 06/04/2014 18:34

It does sound as though she's a bit of a fair weather friend with the other issues you've posted. If you can accept the friendship for what it is - more of a neighbour colleague then friend then you won't get disappointed again.

Sounds like there are plenty of other people out there who like you enough

expatinscotland · 06/04/2014 18:35

Good grief! You are well enough to have spent hours dwelling on this and bitching about it on the net, how she didn't bring you tablets and tuck you in.

Dump her then.

AllThatGlistens · 06/04/2014 18:39

Oh dear.

I don't think it really matters what anyone says to you OP, you're clearly utterly convinced you're in the right.

You have completely overreacted, sorry.

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