Is this a friend?

[PeaceAtAnyPrice]

I would like some views please. A bit about me would probably help, my family are very dysfunctional and I have very little to do with them so friends are probably more important to me than the average person. Maybe this makes me expect too much.

I have known f for 3 years, she lives in the same street as me with her DH and 2DCs. We have been quite friendly we'll pop to each other's houses for tea/coffee and taken out the children occasionally. She applied for a job recently and asked if I could provide a character reference. I also have 1DC. I recently split with DP just after Xmas so I live just me and my DC.

Anyway over the last year she has done a few things that have annoyed me but wondered whether they were a bit petty to get upset over. Rather than muddy the waters I would rather just explain the most recent thing which has upset me.

This weekend my exDP had DC from Friday -Sunday. I chatted to her on Friday afternoon and mentioned I felt really rough and ill and I would have to go to bed. I went to out of hours on Saturday who diagnosed acute bronchitis and gave me antibiotics and strong painkillers. Anyway, I got even worse so the paramedics came out at about 7.30pm did some tests and diagnosed me with pneumonia. I was in a lot of pain but they couldn't give me anything stronger than I already had. They asked if I could contact someone to spend the night with me. The paramedic stayed with me a bit and made me comfortable under a blanket in the living room and brought me my Mobile and water. So she left at 9, I tried ringing friends I'm closer with but could get no answer, I guessed they were out drinking. So I rang f and explained the situation and asked if she could come over for a bit, she said she had friends over but would come over when they left. At 10.30 I texted her asking her please could she come. I was feeling in a really bad way and was hoping she could help me get my next lot of medication and help me to bed. I didn't actually say this to her so maybe it wasn't clear to her ? Anyway after 30 minutes I didn't hear from her so I just dragged myself up and sorted myself out and put myself to bed. I turned my phone on silent. At 12.30am I heard the doorbell I guessed it was her but felt in no state to answer it anyway. This morning I saw she had rang me at 11.30pm last night and also texted saying she hadn't seen my text. I texted her this morning just to say I was ok just resting. Then she texted asking if I wanted her to pop around, she could come at 11am if that ok for me? So no apology, no 'is there anything I can do'. I texted saying I would be sleeping mostly and would text if I needed her.

I feel very disappointed and let down, but am I over reacting?

You sound like hard work. I'd have to be dying to call someone out on a sat night.

you sound so spoilt - sorry. seems like you were milking it a bit for sympathy. sorry you're ill but your behaviour would wind me up.

You rang. She put the phone somewhere else or turned it off as she was busy with mates.

You are determined to see the bad in her for not behaving as you wanted.

I've had pneumonia twice, the first time with pleurisy (excruciating). I am possibly a bit crap at self care and let things drag on for a while, so both times I went in person to the doctors surgery (in a taxi as a concession to how awful I felt). The doc put me in a taxi home the first time & I still (idiotically) walked to the local shops to fill the prescription, even though I was unable to make it up a single flight of stairs without stopping to rest. The second time my GP said I shouldn't be in the house alone, but that wasn't realistic with my DH's job, so I had to sort out my own meals, meds etc. Yes, it is frightening feeling so ill, especially if you are very short of breath. Yes, you feel 100% crappy, but honestly, if the paramedics judged you safe to be at home, you should have been able to cope. Do you generally make mountains out of molehills?

I think you sound quite lonely.. feeling alone and unwell sucks a bit.

I was going to agree with sounding like hard work but I have friends who do drop everything if i really need them on really rare occasions. I don't think I would contact them if I was ill though.. just crawl to bed and hope for the best.

Your friend did come round.. she didn't Ignore you and trying to paint her in a bad light doesn't do you any favours. Let it go.

Hope you're on the mend soon.

You overreacted, you have been told that and still try to justify your outrage.

Do your friend a favour and let her go, its obvious from your posts you will never forgive her nor admit you had unreasonable expectations.

She got round as soon as she could and when she did you punished her as she had failed your test to place you on a higher priority than those she was with.

By her reckoning you had been seen, you had medication and you had been deemed fit enough to go home therefore not dying and a need to drop everything now situation. However she still put herself out by travelling to you in the early hours and trying to contact you but you stonewalled her.

This is like a thread in Am I Being Unreasonable where 98% of posters tell the OP they are being unreasonable, OP continues to insist they are not unreasonable and make themselves sound more and more unreasonable with each subsequent posting.

Sorry you are ill OP but you have, as almost everyone on this thread has said, over reacted and I think your expectations are too much, especially from a friend you have been quite disdainful about in other postings. Maybe you should cut this friend off - you'd probably be doing her a favour.

I think you feel sad and angry that you had nobody you could rely on. The only person you felt you could rely on was a fairly new, not particularly close friend and even she let you down. I think you sound like you are angry about how your life has turned out and that's not your friends fault. I think she has done her best, even coming over at midnight to see you, I would say that is a good friend. Sometimes moments like this show you something has to change, but it doesn't sound like that something is your friend. I hope you are feeling better and I would have felt very sorry for myself too in your situation.

I could understand if you were expecting a partner to come home from work, or a night out, but not a random friend. Seriously needy!

Thanks monkey nuts for your understanding. I do think you have a point that a big part of me feeling upset is that I had no-one to support me last night. It was very lonely and that is not the fault of friend I agree. That said I do think that if she was a 'true' friend she would have responded in my time of need. I admit I seriously misjudged our relationship because in reality she really sees me as just an acquaintance. And yes to expect that of an acquaintance would be unreasonable. The ironic thing is the character reference she asked for was for a job in a care home, and amongst other things asked me to rate her on Caring and Responsiveness lol. Have to laugh really.

All of my friends have partners and/or mums to rely on in times like this but if they didn't or they were unavailable for some reason (e.g. Abroad) then assuming I hadn't been drinking and I wasn't in middle of night out I would be around like a shot! In fact even if a random acquaintance or neighbour contacted me in these circumstances who I knew were on their own I think I would go around as would think they must be desperate to contact me! But maybe that's just me, I have to accept not everyone is like this.

When I say I no longer wish to be friends with her what I mean is that I have to accept that we are just acquaintances. We obviously have different values and in future I think I would feel better if I distanced myself from her and if she asks for little favours only do them if and when 100% convenient for me. This way at least I won't feel disappointed.

I know I have to address the gap left from when me and my DP of 8 years split up and I can't expect friends to fill that gap. I do need to be more self reliant. But I do want to develop friendships with caring people who you can call on in times of need and vice versa. The 2 friends that were out drinking last night are fab but they have very busy lives and live 30 mins drive away so can't always rely on them. I think I do need to widen my social network but with the right people I think. I don't know this happening has made me take a hard look at my life I think which maybe isn't a bad thing.

Stop boring on about the reference!

"Caring and responsiveness" how she would respond while at WORK is completely different to whether she comes running as soon as you click your fingers. You aren't her boss!

You are being completely irrational and weird

Lol well yes you'd prefer to mock me than concede I have a point. It was a CHARACTER reference. Employers ask for them as they believe how you treat people in your personal life is a fair reflection of how you treat people in your job.

You don't have a point that's why no one is conceding..... You are investing a lot in this argument surely better placed recovering. I have just had pleurisy and was pretty much bed bound (no partner and didn't particularly want visitors)

I think you need to be a bit more understanding, OP, for your own good. You will end up feeling that you have no friends because you set the bar so high.

But more than anything you don't even like this woman, do you? I personally never ask favours of anyone I don't like.

OP - No I don't think you're overreacting at all if you think she's a good friend, but I don't think she is. I think this shows she isn't.

Personally for a good friend I'd've set alarms on my phone and popped over, or come immediately when you called to set you up because I had friends coming over that I couldn't cancel, but I'd be back at "X" or the following day unless called.

And yes to expect that of an acquaintance would be unreasonable
To expect it of a friend is also unreasonable in my opinion.

But maybe that's just me, I have to accept not everyone is like this
Yes, this is exactly the issue: not everyone is prepared to drop everything to tear over to an acquaintance's house in the middle of the night for no real reason. It is very unusual behaviour.

Are you a bit of a rescuer? Because if so, you should address it now or face a lifetime of being far, far more invested in other people than they will ever be in you, and feeling hurt and hard done by as a result.

Your character reference and the caring and responsiveness would be a good point if she really gave a toss about you, and I'm sorry but I don't think she does, not when it's inconvenient for her.

Sounds like she's more of an acquaintance for sure. I wouldn't invest much more time thinking about it. She might not be a bad person, but it sounds like you aren't her priority.

PeaceAtAnyPrice you are reminding me of a woman I know, who keeps a ledger of checks and balances where her circle of friends are concerned. She also decides and declares who will be her best friends, even if they only see themselves as social acquaintances or friends of friends.

This has caused her deep unhappiness at times.

She volunteers to help unasked, bakes cakes, insists on helping, sometimes even when its not wanted. She turns any drama into high drama, even if its someone elses problem - it becomes hers. I've also seen her attempt to Wendy people, but in her eyes shes just trying to protect the 'people she cares about' from someone not worthy.

She has become isolated at the moment, through her own actions, as her expectations are so high.

I feel sorry for her, but I'm distancing myself form her as I've got my own stuff to deal with and its just too mentally and emotionally draining.

So, you tried closer friends first - which indicates that you don't consider her a close friend?

Then, you spoke to her and she said she would come when her friends left. She phoned and came round, as promised. Then contacted you in the morning.

Well bloody hell, what a terrible, not very close, friend she is!! And then after being told numerous times that you are over reacting, you still think you are justified in being pissed off with her. And then complain about her.

I have to say, it would have to be pretty bloidy serious for me to go to anyones house at that time of night, let alone a not that close friend!

hi peace I think you're getting quite a hard time on here...youre not 'weird' as someone rather unhelpfully contributed, you are unwell & understandably feelunf rather sorry for yourself. When you split up with your partner & you have nobody you can rely on to help it can feel very lonely. Your friend did try to help, but doesn't seem to be a close enough friend to drop things for you. I'm sorry you're ill...when you are better, try to get out and meet new friends so that you don't feel so isolated. It's tough. I hope you feel better soon.

But she did care enough to respond, just not immediately.

If the paramedic thought you were too ill to be left alone you would be in hospital. End of really - get over yourself

Wow you sound like bloody hard work! Seriously you're an adult, grow up and stop acting so childish.

Massive overreaction.

It also seem like you have not been ill before. Not sure why you called for an ambulance to have strained nhs resources sit on your bedside and keep you company. "Call a friend to sit with you" sounds like a "get out", paramedics have sick people to attend to, who need urgent need and attention they cant sit around and keep people company.
Antibiotics take 48 hours to start working, were you told they would work instantly?

I think your dysfunctional family have made you believe that others get so much more help and support from their family than they really do.

She does sound like a bit of fair weather friend though and I am not sure why you called her and why you expected anything of her.

Sounds like a lot of drama to me, sorry.