Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships - thread 29

[CharlotteCollins]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

This is random, but I actually had a nice men experience yesterday. I broke down on the hard shoulder of the motorway yesterday, with DD in the car.

Literally, no sooner than I had got DD behind the barrier and ascertained the issue, a Highway Maintenance van came round the corner and pulled up behind us. They had a look too, and consensus was to call AA rather than drive on. They then waited half an hour with us till AA came and offered water and fruit.

Then a nice AA man came along and fixed the car, so we could carry on with our day out. He was polite enough not to say, why are you driving that old wreck about?!? In fact, none of them passed comment on the age of the car.

Now obviously any of those people could have been female, so it is not a gender issue, and there is probably some protocol about not leaving a woman and child on the side of the motorway, but it was nice to have someone else look out for us and fix the situation.

Given that I have FW to deal with at the moment, it was a nice antidote.

Bluebell always restores a bit of faith in people in general, doesn't it? I remember years ago when dd was about 3yo, I got a flat tyre and pulled over by the side of the road on the motorway. I had barely gotten out to check it when an older male (maybe 45-50yo?) pulled up behind my car and got out and offered to change the flat to the spare for me. Such a relief, as that meant I could keep a close eye on dd while he changed the tyre, rather than leaving her sweltering (even with the windows open) alone in the car while I tried to change it.

When I thanked him, he said "It's just what any decent guy would do. I have a daughter about your age and I'd like to think that if she had a flat tyre, some other decent guy would do the same for her."

Of course, that was about 25 years ago. I'd like to think there are still a fair few decent men out there that would graciously help out in that situation.

It's now almost 3 months since I slept with him. Since he had been cheating on me with a woman whose previous partner had slept around a lot I am thinking of getting tested for everything at Gum clinic. Had no symptoms but will need peace of mind. I'm guessing they do a blood test and scrape. Anybody know?

Not sure, sorry, but someone will be along at some point that can tell you. You could ring the clinic and ask if that's helpful. So sorry you're having to deal with this.

They do a blood test and swabs from your lady bits. I know this from when I had a suspected ectopic for reasons unknown the registrar did a load of STI tests . I was too worried and fearful of authority to question this. I still have no idea why this was necessary.

KD has missed contact. Again. That's three out if four saturdays. He's absolutely making me into an idiot. His excuse yesterday? Initially when he hadn't turned up after an hour, his excuse was 'I'm running late'. Translation: I stayed up all night and slept late because I'm selfish. Two hours after he should've arrived I got this text: 'It's far too warm to come out, sorry, lol bet you hate me haha :p'
Translation: I can't be bothered taking a five minute walk down the street to see our DC and I know it's pissed you off.'

Spent the rest of the afternoon trying to make the best of the good weather with paddling pool in the garden for DC's, ice creams and a picnic on the lawn (luckily there's no upset these days as I don't tell them he's coming), but quite frankly we could've gone somewhere nice yesterday if I hadn't thought he was coming. I was livid on the inside. He's an absolute waste of skin. What am I supposed to do? We agree on a day and he doesn't turn up..now the novelty of being able to 'pop in' has worn off, and he's realised I'm not up for 'date night to ease the obvious sexual tension' (), he just cannot be arsed. Again.

It's too warm to be angry but I am. And breathe.

Sorry to rant, hello all, I know you're all going through shit, sorry to not be much use!

CurtWild I would say that if he's not there by 15 minutes after he said, then you should just take the dcs and go somewhere else that you can enjoy. Mentally make alternative plans and just leave if he's not there for contact. Perhaps schedule the contact early enough so that if you leave at that time, you still have the rest of the day for some other (more entertaining) contact.

KD has dropped completely off the radar since last contact visit. Literally nothing - no messages, no nothing. Which, to be honest, I'm glad about. The last thing I need is more hassle from him. I've got plans for the next contact visit - plans that the dcs will enjoy with or without KD, so I'm happy with that.

alice he won't schedule contact earlier than 1pm, believe me I've tried. It took a struggle to tie him down to that as he initially just wanted to turn up when he felt like it. It was all I could do yesterday to not call him and tell him exactly what I thought of his excuses. I'm not giving up another saturday. I'll offer him a weekday and if he doesn't want it then that's tough.

Glad you've had a quiet week KD-wise, alice, and that you have nice things planned for your DC

I would try this... if he is scheduled for contact at 1pm this Saturday, then text him a day or two prior, basically saying "Just a reminder that your contact visit with the children is Saturday at 1pm. If for some reason you are unable to make this visit, please contact me prior to this time. If you are not present by 1:15pm, I will conclude that you are either unable or uninterested in having a visit with the children and will then pursue other plans." Not horribly subtle, but if he hauls you back into court, there's not a thing wrong with that message.

Make sure, by the way, that you're saving copies somehow of his texts as that one he sent you when he didn't show up will speak volumes in court about his attitude towards his children and you.

But don't chase him down. Make it very business like. Contact on this date and time. If you're not here by xxxx time, we're off, basically. What he wants is your attention, to leave you hanging there, to get you chasing after him. Don't give him that. Be very "if you're here, fine, if you're not no worries, we'll be doing something else."

IMO, that highlights the idea that him missing contact is HIS loss, not yours. (and unfortunately the children's but there's nothing you can do about that, other than not telling him about the possible visit to decrease likelihood of them being upset)

alice that message sounds ideal. Basically just saying turn up on time (and giving a small window for unexpected lateness) or we won't be in. Sounds fair and to the point. He is trying to goad me into a reaction with his text isn't he..with the haha's and poking out tongue face. It's all a huge huge joke to him, loves the idea that we're waiting on his arrival. I learnt months ago not to tell DC when he was visiting. Don't think he realises that, and I do sometimes wonder if he ever envisages 3 toddlers in tears because he hasn't turned up, and what hink of satisfaction he could possibly get out of it. Or if it never even enters his head and he just grins smugly at putting me out and pissing me off. Doesn't matter because there is no upset, just musing really. And oh yes, I keep ALL his messages.

hink?? kind*!!! stupid phone!!

Hello everybody, don't know what I'm writing here but just feel lonely, used and spaghetti headed. And I know you'll understand. I feel a fool as I fell for the last few months of Mr Nice. Mr Nasty is definitely back, resenting me not working, resenting me spending money, brain blowing arguments and accusations after which I don't know my arse from my elbow. Just feel so sad.

daisee sorry to hear that. Unfortunately, they are good at being manipulative and making you think it's an actual change when it's really just a temporary slowdown of hostility. Have you spoken to Women's Aid? They can often be of help if you are unsure of your options.

You know I've been mulling it over for about 5 years lol. I know I should, but I'm scared of losing everything and how it will affect my kids.

I feel like I've lost all my self respect. I just tried to pull him up on the way he speaks to me, and ended up being called an abuser by him. Then he apologised but later said he couldn't stand my abuse. I have just ended an unsuccessful case in which I was the victim of sustained childhood sexual abuse. So this is possibly the worst thing he could have said. I'm sorry to keep posting but I'm sat in a car park in town in floods of tears.

daisee feel free to post as often as you want..that's what we're here for. I'm so sorry about today and how upset you are. Classic abusive tactic by him, turning it all back round on you, making out he's the victim and you're the bad guy. You say you're scared of losing everything and how it'll affect the kids. Can I ask how old they are? Just as an example, I left our 'family' home behind when I walked out with our 3 DC in January (DD1 is 3.5 and twins are 20 mo.) I was terrified. I left it all behind and moved into a substantially smaller house close to my parents. But damn was it worth it. To live in peace, to be able to rebuild my self esteem and confidence (baby steps but still..), to get my children out of that awful situation..it was all so so worth it.

I still deal with stbxh's attempts at continued abuse, but I can lock the door and my home is my sanctuary not somewhere I feel sad and threatened. Wouldn't you prefer that to what you have now?

I finally got him to leave in March. After years of emotional, verbal, financial, sexual and physical abuse. We had separated before, but I let him back after he said he was seeing a therapist. Hmmmmmm.

I took the DC swimming yesterday...he was there. But went.

Today, I go again, and his car is there. I have sent a message to ask for a three hour slot to use the pool, and he says he wasn't really there, just parked his car there. Twat.

Control, control, control

I get so many texts and emails every day, just the same stuff I used to get directly into my ears every evening.

I have been re reading some of my earlier threads, and can't believe what a total fucking cunt this man is.

And the sinister way in which I was targeted by his nice guy persona, as I left my first husband, all those years ago....that man used to rape me, repeatedly, and I was so fogged out, I didn't even realise it WAS rape.

I HAVE SO HAD IT WITH THESE BASTARDS....I can't begin to express how over the whole fucking lot of them I am, and that includes my mother, both sisters, and their drugged up wanky husbands too.

And Spaghetti Head Mess was a song written by me in a feeble attempt to empty out the truth in my soul....

I think I am going to fucking explode.

RRARARARARARARRAAAAAAGGGHHHHGJGHGHJJ

When I kicked him out, I arranged a contact centre for him to see our dd, he refused, and took me to court instead. Fucking idiot.......I have seen the report from my GP, and to say it is damning is an understatement.

Because of the years of documented abuse, contact has still been arranged for a contact centre. The person who runs it is on holiday...which obviously I arranged, just to piss him off. [rolls eyes]

I am so sick of this. SO SICK OF IT!

aND NOW HE SAYS HE WILL PARK THERE BECAUSE HE WANTS TO, AND THAT i AM AN ATTENTION SEEKING DISGRACE.

Projection? MUCH?

Hi, wondered if I could join in? Feeling very down. Believe I've been being emotionally abused and I'm all at sea about it. Don't want to believe that about him but it's how I feel. Really horrendous time at the moment. Cried in work. Having some time apart but he thinks I'm to blame for everything.

Offred welcome, feel free to join in. Sorry you're feeling down. Did you want to talk about what's been happening? Feel free to vent... (heaven knows I have!! )

I find venting essential and theraputic. An hour ago I got a text from KD to say he was on his way from town and could he come in for an hour before DC go up for their baths. Despite him messing me around with contact on saturday, I agreed as DD1 has been asking for him today. Thank god I didn't mention he was coming as ten minutes ago he text me this: "got held up in town, can't make it, sorry for pissing you off..again :p"

He's just walked past my house towards his own with a blonde in tow. So much for getting caught up in town. Can't decide if I'm angry or just sad that he continues to pull these shitty stunts..and idiot here bites every time.

What an idiot he is, Curt. Maybe next time pretend you're busy? But there's no ideal situation when the person they're most likely to hurt is their own child, is there?

And a heartfelt Arrrrggghhhh! to thinking you're to blame for everything. And this is the person who's supposed to be your chief supporter, which can really make you doubt yourself at times.

Having said that, Offred, time apart is definitely a good thing. The head space is the most important thing, so give yourself a break from all forms of contact.