Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships - thread 29

[CharlotteCollins]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

I would not have said I was depressed either, just having a normal response to a difficult situation. I was having anxiety issues around xH's behavior and being unable to sleep, though, and at the end of my resources for coping.

Again, it is what suits you. I am fairly surprised at the difference medication has made, although I am also starting CBT for working on the anxiety etc.

Oh, no worries. I'm not taking your comments as critical or anything like that. Always good to get varied input, and often it's stuff we need to hear.

I'm hoping that once things get settled into some sort of routine as far as contact goes, that it will be less stressful for me. I would like to think at some point KD will stop insisting on pushing for contact at a private residence, but if he doesn't, I may have to reach a point where I tell him it's either public venue or contact centre. The safety of the dcs is the most important to me, and I don't care if he likes that or not, quite frankly.

Of COURSE you should complain! :o

I'm about the unhelpful responses from so many different health professionals. My HV was very supportive: she wasn't much practical help, but she listened to me, took my side - and cheered when I told her I'd left him, which was the best reaction to the news of anybody irl!

Meant to say, sometimes just having someone listen and believe you without minimising it is all you need, isn't it? Which would be fairly straightforward training to give to everyone at your doctors' practice!

I have never posted here but I read here a lot. Alice, could you read while you supervise the contact, or be on your phone DOING ANYTHING so that it is clear you are not there to visit with him?

Hansie hi, welcome! No, ds1 is disabled and is a runner with no sense of safety/danger, so I need to keep a close eye and be close enough to grab him if need be, as KD is not responsible about watching him.

Tbh, ds2 walked away from KD three times in the toy store yesterday and KD didn't even notice right away. I had to retrieve ds2 (while still holding onto ds1). I cannot trust him to monitor them safely, unfortunately.

Mmm, I see. Then KD could never have them on his own, could he? Would a contact center work? I don't know what special needs your younger son has.

Your KD does not sound like he is much use, but you probably already think that!

No, never on his own. He has history of verbal and physical abuse against dcs. I don't think he would agree to contact centre.

And yes, I already think that. Very frustrating.

alice I too am at your lack of support, FFS to be told that's what women do turns the clock back 50 years-is your GP old/young, male/female? I hope you can find someone to 'champion' this for you, it can't go on like this and you shouldn't have the whole burden of the issue on your shoulders, FW seems to only enjoy having a stick to beat you with.

Anyway- it's all kicked off here. Saturday was indeed interesting. I refused to obey his demands to join him out-of-town and he became furious. I called a friend, in tears Saturday morning, showed her the nasty and irrational texts he was sending. DD was out there with him, I thought OK but had a phone message where I could hear her arguing with him, she wanted to leave and he wasn't letting her. So friend and I got in the car, drove out and picked her up (he had relented and let her out, she'd got to train station) and we spent the night at friends house. I had constant phone calls and texts, then a few nasty emails detailing my failure to have organised a proper family dinner after DSs graduation Friday. Went into police station yesterday, logged everything, phone was ringing constantly, hundreds of calls, 50+ messages, while i was at station policeman was amazed as it just kept ringing, he offered to answer it and spoke to him, gave him a warning for harassment so now he's been warned, they asked if I wanted him arrested and I was ?? is it down to me? said I just wanted him away from the house (he'd driven back 1am found us not there) I think it's better to go for an injunction as arrest again would infuriate him, I think he needs help of some sort and I don't want him to focus all his negativity on me.... But using the kids clearly shows me how bad he is, he somehow got hold of DSs phone and started calling me on that when I wouldn't answer his calls. He left around 5pm so DD and I came back, bolted door, but I'm in danger of minimising this now, DD is terrified of him, I'm not sure exactly what she went through there but he lost his temper with her (he blames this on me) and it scared her.

All because I didn't turn straight around and join him on Friday. It's about control, right?

Got some classic emails from him overnight detailing what I've done wrong including my supposed inability to program the tom tom correctly. WTAF? Ive Got to follow this through today.

thats, yes, you need to follow it through. For me, it was seeing the effect on my dc which gave me strength. Get an injunction, as this will buy you time.
Yes, it is about control, because he is losing his grip on you. You have done the right thing in getting the police involved. If you feel in danger, call them, ditto for your dc. If needs be, go and stay with your friend again. Stay safe, and stay strong.

Oh, and none of this is your fault, none at all, whatever he may say. He's a controlling, abusive bully.

Ha! Can't programme a tom tom - wow, bet he seems irresistable now.

Yes, it's about control, totally.

thats, you are a hero - but I'm sure you don't feel like it. You went to the police: that showed amazing strength. Not going to him when he demanded it, when you always have before - that showed amazing strength, just in itself. I'm glad you have such a supportive rl friend.

Ok, write yourself a quick shitlist to refer to whenever you're in danger of minimising. Actually, his harrassment is rather useful to keep you seeing clearly what it is you can't go back to!

An injunction sounds very sensible - wishing you strength for the necessary conversations today. (Remember to ask the sol about legal aid if you haven't already.)

And some time soon, when the dust has settled a bit, get DD enrolled on a Freedom Programme if she's willing to go.

Have a for strength, and if you were around in the Kitchen Army days, imagine us right behind you, wielding wooden spoons and the like.

Thanks all! I was going to go to work early as I missed a few phone calls Friday (at DSs graduation) but decided to stay home and wait for a call back from NCDV re an emergency injunction. I cal also call solicitor after 9:00, get things moving.

It was tempting to go to work but I usually go in late Mondays as I have counselling at 10:00 (work thinks I go to physio-advised Pilates class) so wont be unusual for me to come in late, DS and DD still asleep upstairs and the thought of H storming back, which might happen, needs to be dealt with. Am on tenterhooks! Finally taking action. Funny that my D-date action day was July 18th and now something's happening.

Wow charlotte just read that about DD on freedom program... Hadn't occurred. She's very anti-men at the moment. I'm also worried about DS. He seems ok but thinks his dad is a d*ckhead.

I thought of it on the graduation day when you said after the reception she was suggesting to DS that you all pacify him and do what he wants. She'll have learned a lot of damaging patterns like that. Also, the end of each FP session would sow a seed of belief in her that not all men are like that.

thatsnot wow. He really showed his hand, didn't he? I will say this - the injunction, the police assistance - all will go more smoothly if you follow through and press charges. I know you're worried he'll kick off, but let's face it - he's ALREADY kicking off. He needs to know you mean business. And there's no point getting an injunction if you're not going to use it as the tool it's meant to be - and report him and press charges each and every time he violates it. Start as you mean to go on. This will also reassure your dcs as they will see you taking definite action that will eventually protect you all.

But well done for going to the police.

Hello all - not been posting, but have been lurking a bit in the last week or so. Just wanted to add my voice of support to thatsnot. You can do this.

ponygirl haven't seen you in some time - glad to see you, hope things are okay for you.

Hi, pony!

FW got a kitten last week. He's apparently left it at home alone for the weekend with an automatic feeder. I don't know anything about pets, but I just googled if that was a good idea and I wish I hadn't now. :(

Oh dear , charlotte. I have been thinking about the kitten. Presuming it survives (hopefully), I think this is a case where you need to forget he is a FW, and treat the situation as you would any other normal person. Which is to say to him, in the interests of the kitten, that it is really not a good idea for it to be left alone with a feeder. There are two options, either he books it into a cattery, or you look after it while he is away. (I may have my mug helmet on with that last suggestion, because, really, he should not have got it if he can't look after it; but calling out the RSPCC is not going to improve relations between you).

thats, I hope you are coping and that things are not escalating, and that you have the RL support you need.

to pony

Aargh. No real progress, solicitor said injunction would be expensive (£2k+) and tbh he is already 'arrestable' as he was warned about the harassment and certainly hasn't stopped. I really thought an injunction would solve things. As it was he called and said he was coming back last night, DD said on no uncertain terms would she stay in the house if he were here. We were back a d forth with calls and texts until 2am, I offered to come get him this morning and drop him near his office but he said that was a ridiculous idea. Wtf? The crux of th issue is he needs/wants to go into work today the we've got a social occasion tonight... He'd planned it but not told me and it's something I don't mind doing otherwise... He was calling when I was in solicitors office yesterday and I asked him what I should do about that and he said if I was ok with it to go but not to comply with his other demand, that I go out and meet him alone.

He tried to 'trick' me into coming out last night by arranging to see a movie with friends of ours, this location was an hours drive from London so now the f*did he expect me to do it- he expected me to leave work ASAP drive out see movie then call in sick today and we'd drive back to London together?! NO I said but it was hard to do, he involved our friends.

I don't want him to have a criminal record, I won't hesitate to involve police if necessary but a criminal record would affect him.

It was total harassment last night... No idea what's. going on now but today's going to be difficult. DD has taken a clear strong line, that she doesn't want to see him now but she might in a few days. She constantly told him by text (as he was texting her) at one point he 'switched tactics' and texted me DD is going down in my estimation FFS! We laughed but if that's really how he is thinking its not funny, that she was his ally and now that she's not toeing the line she's being demoted... DS is basically staying out of it, I still don't know how H got hold of his phone on Sunday.

I really don't know what I am supposed to do. I just want to be able to go to work etc without hassle, is that too much to ask? He keeps going on at me about how I never plan holidays or do anything interesting. He keeps asking me to write a list of my interests but he makes fun of anything I say, I know I shouldn't play along but I keep trying to get through to him that he's being self cantered . For a joke I said I wanted to drive fast and buy a hot rod car, (not me at all) he actually seemed to take that seriously, when I said I wanted to visit the serpentine pavilion in Hyde park (which I do want to do) he just rubbished the idea.

I suppose I could look for a temporary rental today and move out... Even though there are potentially two places to live its clear we won't get any rest here while he can still come in any time.

PS charlotte hope the little thing is ok. RSPCA? Make sure the kids are aware of how to handle it. Did he get a kitten to look like Superdad?

I volunteer to look after it next time! Love them.

Would a visit from the boys in blue to spell out the consequences of continuing to harass you help? They could caution him surely, without arresting him. At the moment, he is carrying on because he can. I personally would not respond to any of it. You don't have to, and if you respond to even one thing, the demands will keep coming.

thatsnot I'm going to say this, and it's not going to be popular, but I feel it needs to be said. You need to get past this concern about whether or not he has a criminal record. So what if he gets a criminal record?? He's been warned by the police to stop, and he hasn't. IT'S HIS FAULT IF HE GETS A CRIMINAL RECORD BECAUSE HE IS DOING SOMETHING ILLEGAL!!!! He will continue to harass you because he can. Because he knows you won't press charges. He's counting on it.

I'm sorry to be quite blunt here, but this is where you need to steel yourself and put your foot down and press charges. Nothing else is going to work.

And if you keep ringing the police about it, but refuse to press charges, then it weakens your position for an injunction greatly. And if you keep ringing the police about the harassment, but then you offer to take him to work, it weakens your position for an injunction.

This is where you need to take a stand. Make the break now. Press charges. There is domestic abuse going on here. The injunction won't take £2k - you need to find a solicitor that will sort out the legal aid for you, as you certainly must qualify! ASK the domestic abuse personnel at the police to help you with this. ASK women's aid to help you with this.

But you MUST stop worrying about him. You MUST stop worrying about how a criminal record will affect his career. That's HIS lookout. Can't you see that he is not worried about it, because he thinks he can walk all over you and you won't press charges?? STOP PROTECTING HIM!

This is where you show your dcs that you don't have to tolerate this kind of behaviour. They will understand and they will appreciate that you are putting your safety (and their safety) first. It will reassure them - if the police arrest him, your kids will see that their dad cannot simply do whatever he wants to them, that he has to answer to the law. It will empower both you and them.

I say this not only because I've worked in law enforcement (and see, I've still been in domestic situations - it happens to loads of us, so if embarrassment is holding you back, please don't let it!) and seen it from the legal side, but I've seen from the side of the domestic abuse victim what a difference a strong police presence makes in these situations.

thatsnot also, an injunction doesn't automatically solve things. Even after he's served with an injunction, you still have to report his harassment to the police each time, and each time you still have to press charges. An injunction is a paper tool to give the police powers of arrest in a situation where the offender has been harassing the victim. But it's only an effective tool if you follow the line that you will report and press charges each and every time.