Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships - thread 29

[CharlotteCollins]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Yay! Great to see you, Tis - and especially sounding so confident and happy.

don't want to bring th board down again! DD.has finally.opened up that she doesn't want to see her Dad tomorrow. I've told him. He's phoned and threatened to strangle.me. I've reported it to 101 and they're coming to see me. Shaking like a leaf

Noregrets oh no!! You must be absolutely beside yourself!! Don't ever worry about bringing the board down - we're here for support.

Unbelievable that he threatened to strangle you!! Please make sure you are not ever alone with him!! And I can't imagine that it's a good idea for your DD to go see him either after that comment! She'll be terrified. So glad she talked to you about it.

Have the police already been or are they coming out this morning? Is a non-molestation order in the cards now?

Noregrets what an awful situation for you and your DD. Isn't contact supposed to be for the benefit of the child? Surely if your DD doesn't want to see her dad, there's something that can be done legally that will mean she doesn't have to? Hopefully the involvement of the police will help.

noregrets, I also hope the involvement of the police will help. You and dd have been living with this awful situation too long.

Hi tis, you probably won't recognise this name, but I am really glad things are going well for you. I am also painting over my various shades of cream to actual, real life colours. I hope you enjoy your new house.

Regards to everyone else. Things are still dragging on legally here. It has become the background to my life, there but not much I can do about it.

Hello all.

noregrets how awful for you . Don't be afraid to use the full weight of the law to protect yourself.

bluebell the legal process has become part of my life too. The children's proceedings are wrapping up (slowly) but the financial shenanigans are just beginning. As I expected, he's not playing fair, but whay hurts more is that his parents are complicit in the fraud. I'm not bothered for me, I know I'm not on their list of favourite people anymore but I'm sad for the children.

Mind you, these are the grandparents who told everyone who would listen how I was preventing them from seeing their own grandchildren but never once asked to do so. Who - when given an opportunity to see them - said no. Dd1 who tried to broker that contact was especially hurt. Dd2 is baffled by it. Throughout the whole time they didn't see him, which was Jan-may this year, only my younger sil made any effort to stay in touch. But it's all me, you see. Devil woman!

Tis It becomes this dull (and occasionally deafening) hum in the background of your life, doesn't it. Like you've left a cd playing on loop.

I had an email from my DC's paternal grandparents shortly after the separation in January. It basically said they'd like to see the twins because they're babies but weren't interested in DD1 because at 3yo she's a 'lost cause' . They've seen DD1 a handful of times since she was born and the twins twice.

I politely told them my DC are a package deal and they can't pick and choose which ones they'll bond with and which ones they'll discard. Haven't had a peep out of them since. I'm sure they're cursing me but I don't give two hoots.

I think that's the problem here to some extent Curt. DD1 was the one who instigated the police action. In Dec she disclosed to me that FW had come very close to assaulting DS2 resulting in a Prohibited Steps Order and further involvement by SS. In Jan/Feb she (totally off her own back) made contact with the police and disclosed historical physical abuse towards her by FW. I was interviewed about this and in doing so, disclosed more abuse towards me, specifically many sexual assaults. FW has been questioned wrt the rape allegations and the investigation is ongoing (yay... more legal shiz). She currently - her own choice - has no contact with him although recently has made noises about speaking to him on the phone.

I think eventually she will want to see him again, but she was the one through the years who bore the brunt of any physical abuse meted out (if it wasn't to me) so although she undeniably loves him, she hates him too. She refused to go for physical contact after the incident in Dec last year as she found it all too stressful - she has teetered on the edge on an eating disorder, has symptoms of ptsd, is on sertraline etc and the added pressure of feeling as though she had to keep the younger three 'safe' during contact was a huge burden for her.

But of course, this has a knock on effect on the way the family treat her. I suspect very much that they blame her for starting all this, although they also assume that I provoked it. Her GF said in an email to her recently that she was to blame for a great part of her unhappiness

Such is the family I married into

But, like I said yesterday, things are good. Life is good. I have recently had reason to re-read my old posts which were saved by another person here and the changes in me are astounding. I am my own person. In fact, someone said to me recently that I am intimidating. Turns out he didn't mean it in the way I had assumed - it was my confidence and self-assurance that threatened him! Suffice to say, we have no contact now - I have no interest in a power struggle...

I should add that they have written DD1 off but she is 16. A lost cause at 3?

Tis how awful for your poor DD1, it must have been so hard for her bearing the burden of protecting her siblings

Yes, written off at 3. All sorts of other nasty (untrue) stuff in the email, such as I will have already have turned her against them (why? she barely knows them and I haven't seen them in 12 months!), and they will contact her when she turns 16 to tell her what a bitch her mother is. Like I ever stopped them from seeing any of them! They chose to take such a back seat in my DC's lives and that wasn't my doing.

Stbxh's mum is a particularly manipulative and devious woman and his dad never had time for him as a child. They both cheated on each other. Great role models he haf growing up.

Huh. You can't take away our fws' responsibility for making the choice to be an abuser but sometimes it's very easy to see how they even considered it an option isn't it?

Huh. You can't take away our fws' responsibility for making the choice to be an abuser but sometimes it's very easy to see how they even considered it an option isn't it?

There's no excuse for their fw behaviour. They made that choice. But mine certainly had great teachers in the art.

My DM is very a bit controlling. I choose not to follow her lead. I grew up with it, saw how it damaged me and my DF, and decided I wouldn't damage people in that way. It all comes down to choice.

Of course it does! As you say though, they sometimes have excellent teachers! Ironically my pils both were teachers shudder

Ironically, it's MY parents that were abusive and manipulative, not KD's. His FIL was lovely (he's deceased now). I really miss him. He was one of those gruff men that loved kids and family came first to him. He would never have tolerated KD's behaviour towards me or the kids. Interesting to note that the behaviour didn't show until after FIL passed away.

MIL is also a lovely woman, but I know her limits. KD is her only remaining child, and she is reliant on him to some extent. He is living with her again, and she is in the uncomfortable position of not wanting to rock the boat too much, I think. I think he intimidates her to some extent, but I don't think he treats her like he treated us. I think he is just a bit afraid to push it that far, although he has admitted previously that he has shouted and sworn at her while he was living with her last year. Twat. She loves the grandchildren and would happily see them as much as possible, however, she understands the issues with him being there as well. I know that his behaviour sometimes upsets her and sometimes makes her angry.

Leclerc your poor dd, that must be so difficult.

Grrrrr at grandparents writing off ANY children, whether they are 3 or 16. It's just so petty.

sorry, FIL was lovely, not "his" FIL.

Oh dear, tis that is awful. However, and I think this is really important, I think it is amazing that your dd1 took steps to report the wrongdoing to her personally. I think this shows amazing presence of mind and means she will be less likely to stay in an abusive r/s as an adult. Nonetheless, and I am sure you have done this, I think you should be clear that she can block emails which threaten her emotional wellbeing, even if they come from close family. Also, the problem with any contact is the tendency to think that it will somehow work out fine and that feeling does not go away.

Goodness knows how you confront the knowledge that a parental relationship will never be fine at 16; but if she can, it will probably save her years of trying to make it fine. Whatever, she should not accept the contention that any of it is her fault, that is poison. Nor is it your fault for marrying into it; because I am sure the Mr Nice side was on show at that point.

curt, good for you in saying dc come as a package. A 'lost cause' at three, ffs. Totally agree that upbringing is not an excuse, my mother was controlling and emotionally neglectful as well as abusive, and no way would I visit that on my children.

and I apologise for all the "I think"s....

Exactly bluebell, I would never want my DC or anyone I know to feel how my DM made (and still makes) me feel. So I don't. Instead of copying it, I learnt from it. I've heard FW say many times he's scared of becoming like his dad wrt seeing our DC. Errr..so don't! You have that choice ffs. And he'll call his mum emotionally abusive, so he obviously knows the traits as he grew up with it, but flatly refuses to recognise them in his own actions.

Having said that, I'm a "stepgrandparent" to KDs grandson. Or at least I was while we were together. Since we've separated, KDs eldest and his partner haven't spoken to me or contacted me at all. I sent them a message asking if they were okay with me sending birthday and Christmas gifts to DGS from myself and the dcs, however, they didn't even bother to answer me, so I guess that is an answer in itself, isn't it. God only knows what KD told them about me.

I'm intent on being 'nice' to myself over stuff that's happened with his extended family. They all chose not to have much to do with our DC, even before we separated. I refuse to run after people who can't be arsed any more. Including KD.

Mind you it's a non-issue with him now as he'd be on my doorstep every damn day if it was up to him. He's turned on the charm lately. And as a result I'm feeling spectacularly low as it's reminding me how great we were at one point..and sadly also reminding me that my memories of us being 'happy' were all just part of the abuse cycle.

I don't know, Alice, I've got Mr Nice here too, as I told him (eventually) to stop bullying me, but it doesn't seem genuine to me. It is a face he puts on. That is all it is. I don't know if there was something more genuine at the start, but even thinking back there were the points I see, if I had had more sense of self, I should have walked away.
But for the most part, I try not to think back. Sometimes I read threads on here, with the Sleeping with the Enemy type abuse, and it reminds me of what it was like, so I know I did the right thing.

and another message asking what to buy them. Seriously. Why didn't he ask them when he saw them last week? He had their full attention and he never even brought it up. I told him they were into the same things now that they have been for the last year. Anyone want to place bets that he'll now ask what specifically they're in to, as he can't remember?

Would he try flattery, Alice? Mine'd say, "since you're so good at noticing these things." I got quite a bit of vague praise (usually for unappealing stuff like housework and childcare), and quite a lot of specific criticism. You can guess which seemed more genuine.

I was just driving this afternoon, minding my own business, when I was suddenly accosted by memories and rationalisations, and trying to explain myself in an imaginary conversation with KD's sister. This sudden change from normal life to neck-deep in memories - I'm sick of it, I tell ya!

Oh goodness, yes, the imaginary conversations where you think if you just explain yourself enough, they will understand.

I think you were in the situation a long time, it will take a long time for it to truly go. The way things turned out is very hard to understand, because you went in with the best of intentions and did as much as you could to make it okay. I keep still periodically think I am dealing with a rational person, but I am not, I am dealing with a disordered person.