Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships - thread 29

[CharlotteCollins]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

alice It's difficult to know who to trust in rl now after one of the people I was closest to spilled my secrets to anyone and everyone. Very small family (elderly parents and a one brother..that's it!) who I can't involve due to age/health. So yeah..feeling a bit vulberable.

He's back to saying he can keep an eye on us with being so close, and 20 questions on my love life.

Exhausted doesn't even begin to cover it.

I hear you on the 20 questions. I am wondering if that is behind stbx's constant questioning about why can't he come see the DCs at my house? He previously asked me what I was hiding and if I was with someone else. Funny that he's asking me this when you consider his recent history.

I think with him living close, you're going to have to make the boundaries very very clear and have firm consequences if he goes over the line.

alice I think your right about stbxh's questions on why he can't see DC at your house; he thinks you're hiding something, or rather someone. I also think it plays s big part in mine insisting he has to see our DC at my house; making sure no one is 'moving in on his territory', and the comment on 'keeping an eye on us' makes me think that's his reasoning behind moving so close.

It's all rather crap. In part he's doing what I requested. In truth his sudden turn around is very, very suspicious.

I second what Alice said about stepping up safety precautions, curt. Keep safe.

My stbxfw is completely unaccepting even though papers have been served. Huge pressure of how I'm going to unleash armageddon if I go ahead.

Breathe hope you're okay. Has he made actual threats? If so, I'd be ringing the police straight away. Make sure you're protected.

Thank you Alice- more financial meltdown threats and how we only have one chance and I'm destroying etc.

breathe sending you strength to carry on down the road that's right for you, not him.

Stbxh spent the night in a cell for fighting with two girls in a nightclub last night. Lovely role model.

Moves into the flat round the corner from me on monday. He's elated. He's said, and I quote, "You were right about us needing space (), it's been good for us and now I can see where we went wrong, I know we can put it right."

Errrrr..I didn't say we needed space I moved out. That was a very clear 'we are over' message, which I've kept reiterating at every turn. Somewhere in his mind that message has been lost in translation and become 'we need space to fix things'.

Feeling mixed up and messed up today.

CurtWild I'm struggling with stress too with stbx in the area again. He just seems to be intent on pushing against boundaries that I am trying to hold firmly in place. Hope you can get a bit of peace and quiet from your fw today.

My ex is screaming complaints over complaints and constantly bickering about my family and background and screaming 'You should go back from where you came from', all this after looking after our child for five years! Went to court wooed the social worker and got the child custody now doesn't want me to meet my son because he is ill and he doesn't want to take the blame now i am stuck in an abusive relationship, he is pressurizing ame and my family after messing up his life and he doesn't give a ---- about his child he is using him to get compensation for all the damages he causes when he starts to abuse people around him. He is a classic case of a masochist, so completely convinced of his innocence that we are always guilty.

alice sorry to hear it's all kicked off for you again. Just when we think we're getting a handle on things they do their damndest to upset our equilibrium

CurtWild that is so true. I'm back in "ignore" mode for now. It's easier.

samned I struggled to follow that somewhat, as I don't know your history. Your ex has custody, is that correct? I didn't understand the comments about compensation for damages...sorry.

Yes they spot us gaining some sanity and go for the kill!

Mine seems to be working on this "pretend the last 6 months didn't happen" mode alongside slipping in occasional nosey questions and subtle demands.

just a bump, really, and checking in to see how everyone is doing.

I am currently remaining NC as much as possible in regards to stbx. I'm not sure what the blazes is going on, but apparently he's managed to alienate most of his family members again, including his adult DS. Again, I've had people attempting to update me, but I don't want to be listening to gossip and family issues that don't concern me, so I stop them and tell them I don't need to know. (hence not having the details) I get that they might be thinking his mental health is in question, but it's certainly not up to me to sort out or get him help. I know that sounds cold, but I've got enough to deal with in general without that.

Good morning alice ..how good are they at pretending past events didn't happen..and if we bring it up we're 'living in the past' 'focusing on the negative' blah blah blah FW script.

Mine has moved in round the corner and since friday has been here every day. At all different times. He can't see DC at his as it's literally an empty shell..no carpets, curtains, furniture, no kitchen appliances..and a set if terrifying looking stairs that I can see my DC toppling down so easily. He doesn't know when it'll be suitable for them to go there, and with s staircase like that I'm hoping on never.

I too am getting interrogated on my after dark activities. Apparently I must have slept with someone by now, or I am sleeping with someone..and if not, why not. Or why am I hiding it from him. Grrrrr. Has he forgotten I have 3 under 4's with me constantly? That they co-sleep most nights and I'm lucky to manage a quick bath alone. How on earth does he think I'd manage to fit another man into the mix? Not to mention that he's probably put me off men for life!!

I feel worn down. I can't not answer the door when he turns up, one or all of my DC spot him walking up the path and I don't have the heart to upset them. Something he knows all too well. I've had the 'there's no pleasing you' speech when I said coming round every day is too much. I wanted him to be more involved with our DC and now he is, so anything I say is construed as being difficult or never being happy.

Bottom line my fears are this; Part of me actually believes he intends to try and take my babies from me. This new found hands on, seeing them lots, super dad persona (and being super calm and nice with me) is all part of a bigger plan/picture. And therefore I don't trust it. That makes me sound paranoid doesn't it. Which is why I can't say what I really think to him. He'll turn it into me being crazy or unstable or something when I'm not, I just know him of old and I know how devious he can be.

I hope I find the strength to turn him away today otherwise it'll be the 6th day in a row he's hung round my home being 'nice'. Thinking of going out for the day but money is so tight. Feel trapped.

CurtWild Don't let him in your house. Set prearranged times and that's it. If you need to, do like I've have to do, and have contact visits in public venues. And limit it to once a week, stating that once he gets his house in order, including appropriate stairgates, then he can have them over there. Until then, it's once a week in a public place or nothing at all.

I know your DCs get upset, but generally, if you say to them "Daddy is only coming over to visit on XXXX day, and he is not coming in any other day." They'll be upset initially, but they'll get past it. And you can point blank tell him "Stop coming over when you are not scheduled for a visit. When you do that, you upset the DCs as I am not going to let you in."

He's only seeing them because it allows him to see you. Stbx was the same way. He wants to play happy families. Don't let him.

Oh, and document everything. Tell him each time he shows up (when it's not the contact visit day/time) "I'm sorry, but you cannot come in. Please come back on xxxx day/time as agreed and you can take the DCs to the park for your contact visit. Until then, you are not welcome at my house."

Unfortunately, I suspect you're going to need to be very firm and very tough on this, including ringing the police and telling them he is harassing you.

alice, it's hard to explain it to them, DD1 is only 3.5 and the twins are 19 mo so none of them understand what a day of the week is yet. They see daddy walk up the path and that's that. Daddy's here. In his words "The only person upsetting our DC is you, curt. If you turn me away and they get upset, that's your fault not mine."

I don't want to live with my curtains pulled on so my DC don't see him turn up, peeping from behind them to see who's knocking at my door. I need to find the strength to reset those boundaries I was doing so well with, and make him stick to them. I'm so worn down, worn out, part of me can feel him making me weak again and I hate myself for it.

I know he SAYS that. I rather expected it. But unfortunately you're going to have to say "No, I've told you that you are not welcome other than xxxx day/time for your contact visit. If you choose to come over any other time, then YOU are choosing to upset the children." And then don't get drawn into it.

My DS2 is 4yo, and if stbx came to the door or window, he'd be upset if I didn't let him in, but unfortunately, that's life. I'll have to deal with it. I won't pull my curtains, but neither will I open the door for him.

I think you're going to need to refuse to let him in, then ring police each and every time. In fact, I'd recommend that you ring the domestic abuse section of the police and explain what he's doing - that he is coming over every day and you want him to stop but he won't listen. But you MUST set up a specific contact day/time, then refuse to let him in any other time or day and ring police saying he will not stop harassing you. THEY will make him stop.

it is hard, I know, but if you don't put your foot down, he'll walk right back into your lives. Do you really want that? I guarantee you that while he is being charming right now, the moment you put your foot down and refuse to let him in a few times, Mr Nasty will be showing his face and you'll remember how awful he really is.

And make sure you set the time up in writing or text. You know, along the lines of "You can come see the children on xxx day from xxx to xxx time, until such time as your home is furnished and safe for the children to come visit (including stairgates). If you come to my house any other time, I will consider it harassment. I will not allow you to come in and I will ring the police."

Then when he shows up outside the contact time and you refuse to let him in, if he kicks off the police can sort him out. This is the kind of behaviour that he is hoping you won't have the balls to stand up to him and ring the police and refuse him entry. He's hoping to wear you down this way. Be strong.

alice..no, I don't want him walking back into our lives, and I know this whole 'being nice to me/superdad thing is a masquerade..I've witnessed it many times before.

I know I need to get tough, I just need to find the strength somewhere and on an average of 4 hours sleep most nights, strength is getting hard to come by.

Why did I think it would be over just because I'd left? I was naive enough to think I'd done the hardest bit, I think.

Onward.

CurtWild You can do it. Sleep deprivation sucks, I know (DS1 is 7yo and has never slept through the night). Hang in there.

Remember there is always .

Taking my own advice, I've sent a message to stbx offering contact (with the same stipulations as previously) in a little over a week. I have given him a date that he needs to let me know by, after which time I will make alternative plans.

I imagine I'll get the same response as usual, but this way I'm not sitting around waiting for him to drop a demand in my lap.

Thanks alice, just getting it off my chest and getting the back-up that I'm not an insanely unreasonable bitch for having boundaries helps immensly.

I don't think mine will ever sleep through..as a general rule I cope just fine but throw stbxh efforts to toe his way back into the mix and I feel shattered!

I think a messy baking session is in order today, is one of the great healers and a big slab with a would go down great today

I hope you stbxh attempts to be as amicable as you're being, but something tells me he won't.