Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships - thread 29

[CharlotteCollins]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

I just want to vent... I'm being really pressured to 'bunk off' of work tomorrow (after he spent years telling me I should get a job) and even 'jack in' my job as he's finding it inconveniences him to not have me at his beck and call 24/7. Just got home 11:00, he wants me to take tomorrow of but not going to. I need to be up early for work, no laundry done for th week ahead- starting the week already behind I really hate him right now! I left early Friday to help him pick up his car, so less hours for last week. Grrr!

Sorry that needs context- talking to solicitor but I feel H is going to go ballistic, so need to be out of family house by the time I tell him, looking for options to stay, almost wishing he'd be violent so I could get occupation order!

Wishing you strength and persistence to get through all this, thats. I hate that - wanting you to work then wanting you not to. Nothing's ever right. You will not believe how much easier everything is once you're living on your own. The smallest, simplest of things feel like a triumph. (I could decided when to sit down and read a book - wow!)

I had a very tiring hour this afternoon. After a quiet weekend without the DCs, two of them arrived home and bombarded me with information about things Daddy has, things Daddy's done, things Daddy's going to do. All positive, mostly showy and expensive.

Fixed grin and repeat, "That sounds nice."

It shouldn't bother me, but it does - especially when my friends (DC's friends' parents, really) are involved. Of course, I don't own my friends or get to choose their friends for them. Still get a bit teeth-grindy, though.

charlotte it's all new territory, isn't it! Fixed grin and nice words seems the best way to go- at least they are happy, and I bet that ex gets the same enthusiastic stories coming the other way. Just sad that he's suddenly superdad though, making a point perhaps?

Yes, I think he's trying to. Unfortunately for him, the point that comes through loudest and clearest to me is: it's much better for the DC's relationship with their father that we're separated. :o

I have to remember to focus on that and ignore little feelings of inadequacy that creep in from time to time.

Hope you make it to work today, thats.

Hey all, I have a v quick one here. Not to make something out of nothing but forarmed, forwarned etc. split with ex over a year ago. All settled in with with lovely man, new life.

When my abusive ex disappeared he blocked me on Facebook. All of a sudden he is appearing in my friends you might know list. I would think that means I've been unblocked. I'm sure he wouldn't contact me after all this time, and I know I would ignore him if he did. I've blocked him now just in case, as I don't want to see his mug. I have a job which means I'm always findable online. Am I right to
Be wary or worrying unnecessarily? I don't want my calm boat rocking and am glad to be shot of this dick

Hi I have served papers need handholding to get through! Can't believe I've got this far. Full of self doubt though. Am I destroying everyone?! That's what I'm being told.

Breathe, that is amazing. Yes you are doing the right thing. Remember the worst thing he's made you feel and know you will never go there again. The best is to come now you are the other side.

One year on, everyone comments on how great I look - 'lighter' in a sense - not being weighed down by the impossible task of pleasing my ex. I get dressed every day without having the worry of anyone telling me I look like shit or a slag. No one is cocklodging anymore - I can actually buy things for me. No one shouting at me. I had a job interview this week and people wished me luck - the last few interviews I had, FW ALWAYS created an argument literally minutes before it started. I can plan ahead now (FW didn't do planning for stuff like holidays and I never knew if we'd still be together or not). I am totally liberated. Hold on to your strength

Inspiring stuff, Colin. People keep saying I look lighter, happier, too. I still caught myself this afternoon, thinking it was probably all just me, though! YY to creating difficulties around important events - what is that urge to destroy? It's like the only way to build themselves up is to knock their partners down. (Not that we were partners in any real sense.)

Breathe, well done you. How can you be destroying everyone by saying you can't live with one person? Crazy hyperbole! I bet you've noticed positive changes in the DCs, having space from him, haven't you? The only thing you're destroying is his chance for that perfect life he thought he was entitled to. Only, he was never going to get it anyway, because he would always have found something wrong with it, no matter what you did.

Deep breaths. It's not easy, but on the positive side, your solicitor can fight your battles for you now!

Well done breathe! No, you are not destroying everyone. I got told I was ripping a family apart. It is all very emotive and you need to don a hard hat and ignore. When I look back at what went on in my marriage and indeed, in the aftermath of the separation, I am actually appalled at how much I had normalised what was actually quite awful.

To use less emotive language, yes, my decision, based on his behaviour and our inability to reconcile our differences and my inability to cope any longer, took our family apart. It was very painful, in some respects, it is still painful. However, that decision also allowed us to reconstitute our family into two parts, or two separate families. This has allowed us both to be parents and live our lives with a lower level of conflict, which noticeably has benefitted dc.

I say lower level of conflict because I realised that the dynamics of the marriage had simply become the dynamics of the separation but with more distance, if that makes sense. So, I am also having to change myself and the way I react to get it to stop.

It is also the case, as Charlotte says, that separating has brought out the good dad in him. Some of what he does is quite controlling, and as dc get older, there may be issues, but in terms of time and effort, it is unrecognisable from what went before. It is very, very difficult in some respects because you think a) if there had been that level of engagement before, perhaps we could have worked things out better, and b) he didn't bother before because he was happy for me to run myself into the ground so he could get on with his life; and actually, 90% of the time now, he is totally free to get on with his life and therefore happier.

Not sure if that helps, but you are not destroying everything. If I look back, it was horrible, and if you take on board the emotional blackmail, you are just giving yourself one more thing to deal with. All the best to you

breathe well done- stay strong! We're all behind you.., you're so right to do it now and not let things drag for years.

Great to hear stories of things going well charlotte and bluebell I instructed solicitor to draw up documents yesterday ... He didn't think my idea of buying h out of house was unreasonable, on the contrary. But h is being awful at the moment, bombarded me with texts yesterday demanding I take time off work as thee weathers so nice... I won't do it so I have 'ruined everything' and that if I didn't come out he would divorce me. He doesn't know I'm a step ahead of him. But I'm taking so long to deal with all this, trying to keep jobs/kids steady makes me bury it all.

Hi everyone, I havn't been on the thread for a long time but its good to pop back and see so many familiar names. Great news for you breathe and thats, you're almost there.

I am still very much in but gritting my teeth and biding my time until next month. Post-exam I can start with concrete plans.

It's a long hard slog but it is worth it.

Another passing graduate from the thread dropping by to say "Yes it is worth it!" and keep going folks.
Good to hear you are happy and successful Colin and life is treating you well.

Charlotte it is through gritted teeth that I admit my XH is a better DF for being divorced and single. He is engaged with the DC, visits them at Uni, supports them financially as long as I contribute equally and is quite possessive of them when they come home. This from a man that used to stay at work late until they were all asleep to avoid bath and story time.

Thats we are all rooting for you. It has been a long long journey for you and it is good to hear the end is approaching.
I left nearly four years ago and am happy and settled and about to move into my new old house with my new old man! I am easy going and happy and get comments often on how I look younger.
There will always be regret that I had to change the course of family life so drastically but in my heart I know it was for the best for all of us. What we had before was destructive and a bad example for the DC and was killing me.

CharlotteCollins THANK YOU for this post. This is my first message on MN although I have been observing for a while. Apologies for the long post whilst I get a few things off my chest...

I am currently 32 weeks pregnant with my first child and kicked emotionally abusive H out 2 weeks ago. If anything, being pregnant has made me stronger and able to see things more clearly, even though the situation is far from ideal. He is a 33-year-old adult and should be responsible for his own actions, but the baby needs my focus 100%. The pregnancy has been going swimmingly except the stress he has put me under. It's a case of now or never...

Long story short(ish):

• he has been 'depressed' for over a year after problems at work, takes everything out on me and blames his illness for his behaviour (he is 'not responsible for his actions' etc). Funny how he wasn't depressed until he needed signing off work. Funny how no-one else sees his outbursts.

• he promises to stop smoking weed, then when I keep catching him out he creates elaborate lies, gets angry with me and makes out I am the one with a problem. He's promised he'll stop once we got married, when we move house, next week, after Christmas, when I get pregnant, when the baby is here and so on... Weed is a major contributor to his mental state and obvious to everyone except him, but makes him feel temporarily numb better. Classic addict behaviour.

• I have been financially supporting him and paying all rent/bills for over a year, which I can barely afford. He got a substantial pay-off from his job of which he contributed practically nothing to household bills and now it's all gone and he has run up credit card debts on who knows what. He bought us a car, as our last one was falling apart, but now refuses to let me use 'his' car, even hides the key. I have been getting the bus, tube or walking everywhere.

• He hasn't lifted a finger to help me and the baby. He's maybe made me dinner 3 times when he's been in a good mood (or stoned, probably). We've had hardly any conversations about the baby, but he has managed to undermine me and knock my confidence on several occasions - 'you're going to mollycoddle the baby', 'you're in for a shock when the baby comes' etc. I have been researching, choosing and buying baby equipment by myself, and I'm still at work full-time. However, when I have an antenatal appointment he comes, and he's also been regularly texting to check how me and the baby are since I kicked him out to his parents', so he ticks all the boxes as far as anyone else is concerned

• Since I told his parents about his problem with smoking weed and how it affects him/us/his depression (a cry for help!) he has turned them against me. Phones his dad every time I do something he doesn't like: 'she's acting like a baby, what do I do', 'she's keeping on at me', 'she's said/done this' etc. His poor parents don't know who to believe. He denies smoking weed. Can't say I blame them as he is their youngest son and a convincing liar, but he has them wrapped around his little finger. Their darling son is suffering with depression and his wife is paranoid/hormonal and has kicked him out!! His dad actually phoned me to tell me that I have issues and should see someone...

• He took the cat. On a 7-hour drive back to his parents'. To live in their top floor flat. I am devastated but determined not to show it. I haven't been very hormonal but if anything can set my hormones off, it's my beautiful cat! And he knows it! I miss my cat

• the climax has been in the last week, where I stopped replying to his crying/begging texts to let him come home, and he called the police 'to check if me and the baby are ok'. They turned up at 11pm on Friday night, hammering on the door, got me out of bed and scared me half to death... Mr Policeman could clearly see through it, and it resulted in the Social Services turning up on my doorstep on Monday and giving me an assessment!!! Checking things I have ready for the baby, checking the contents of my fridge, reading my maternity notes... Actually it was quite a relief to give my side of things to someone in authority, but I am devastated that it has come to this.

I could go on and on. Sorry for the long post.

Good luck to everyone affected xx

I wish I could take credit for the OP, but it was not me who wrote it. I just post it now and then to keep the conversation going.

Welcome to the thread, KindOf, although sorry you have to be here. He sounds controlling and heartless - well done you for kicking him out! You sound like you've got a lot to deal with at the moment - how are you feeling?

I've been away all week, and now I need to catch up. Added is, of course, that while I was away, ex has kicked off and things are looking like it's going to be rather stressful for the near future. Should've stayed on holiday.

I will go back and read to catch up. Hope everyone is okay.

breathe well done! I agree - you are NOT destroying everyone. That's just him sayint that because he wants to knock you back down again.

nini glad you're okay. Hang in there!

KindOf welcome, although I echo Charlotte in that I'm sorry you have to be here. You've shown strength in kicking him out, so well done. While pregnancy is a difficult time to end a relationship as there's always the stress of doing things alone, at the same time, that baby is a good physical reminder to you of what's important - both yourself and the baby need to be safe and happy. Don't be shocked by his parents - there's a reason that the phrase "blood is thicker than water" is so well known. Stbxh's family is well aware now of much of his bad behaviour and while they're initially "shocked," they slowly come around and end up being in his corner, simply because he is family.

We've just returned from our first holiday just us as a family. It was lovely and the DCs and I had a great time. Completely NC while we were gone - again, less stress. Came home to a number of messages from stbxh stating his OW had kicked him out, he had nowhere to go, and wanted to see the DCs so he "had something to live for." Yes, because I want someone in THAT frame of mind around the DCs. He's back living in my area again, which means ongoing stress and dealing with him much more frequently. Now he's pushing to see the DCs after he chose his OW over them and ignored them for months. It's like he doesn't think they're people, for heaven's sake. Just property that he can pick up and play with when it suits him and ignore when he has something better lined up or just can't be bothered.

Colin glad you're doing well. I'd say it was the right move to block him. No point having him floating about where it's stressful for you.

CurtWild how are you?

Is it ok to pop in and say hello? I probably won't post much, have honestly had a hard time even lurking - I feel like you ladies are much stronger than I seems so many of you are out. I'm not out. I don't know if I even want to be. I've left so many times, but the longest was only about six weeks.

That was a rambling introduction/placemark, I'm not in a good place right now, I think I just need some tiny outlet or connection. There's no one in real life for me to talk to when it comes to him.

maybesadie Welcome. Please feel free to post, vent, browse, whatever makes you most comfortable. Would you like to post what's happening now for you or how you are feeling about it all? Do you have children? Are you safe at present?

Being strong IMO is one of those variables. Some days I feel strong, other days I don't. Often on those days, I post and gain some strength from others here. On the days I feel stronger, I try to be supportive to those that are struggling. It's all swings and roundabouts.

Being out of the initial situation is a huge change, but as many of us have children, we're never completely out of it. I have to deal with my stbxh regularly even though he's not here in my house physically. And there are some lovely people on this thread that have helped me keep things in perspective and boosted me when I'm struggling with it all.

Many of us have left more than once, only to return or allow them back. It happens. Statistics state that this is a frequent occurrence. Nobody here is going to judge you on it. We've all been there, we're all in different stages of the process.

I would like some feedback please from those here.

Stbxh has requested that I talk to him on the telephone, rather than usual email contact, as he wants to "update" me on recent situation, as he says it will be difficult in email. I personally do not want a phone conversation for two reasons - 1-no way to document, no proof if he gets nasty and 2-I just don't want to talk to him at all. He's going to want to be chummy and make small talk and I am quite frankly not interested in that.

Am I being a complete and utter horrible person to say that no, I really don't want to discuss things over the phone, and would prefer to keep it to email? sigh.

marking my place.
Life very stressful at the moment. My husband won't work through or admit his problems. Today, he made me feel I had done something really wrong just because I had taken a while shopping today. Honestly, ffs, you would have thought that something bad had happened the way he was. Told him I am not having it. I don't want to ltb because we do have a good marriage apart from the fact of his immature behaviour.

Alice, no, you have every right to say you will communicate by email. I have done similar, and only at set points in the week. Email gives you time to consider matters fully, and in a way you can manage (i.e. you don't have to respond immediately).

If he wishes face-to-face communication to sort contact, there is the option of mediation.

Am not ignoring new posters, phone battery about to give out, so will be back later