Need urgent relationship moved house and he is not coming

[Lifeisforlivingkatie]

We met 3 years ago this summer. He has never married or lived with a woman since university. Has had some girlfriends but not many. 3 in total. Ours is the longest relationship in his 30's. I am divorced with two children youngest is 8 oldest is 18. They all get on very very well.

He stays at mine 4 nights a week and the rest at his bachelor pad to which I have the keys. It's shared and I have no trust issues with him at all. Trouble is, I asked him to move in with us last year, he refused. I have now bought a new place and I asked him to move in, initially he just said no. I explained that his lack of living together makes me an happy, he is aware of this. He says he knows that if we live together we will ruin our relationship because we may stop putting in as much effort as he does now because the time away allows him to think of interesting things to cook etc. he is very attentive. Makes me lovely dinners, cocktails etc.

He says he may also reduce the amount of sport he plays , ( the three nights he stays is when he plays for a local team and they get in late.

I don't understand why he is making such a big deal, surely for a couple our age we should be building a home together. He does all the jobs around mine, for example he has done most of the unpacking after my move, hang curtains etc. I have suggested we do a living together trial, he finally said he will think a about it. I asked him how long he needed to think for he said he is not going to give me a timescale.

Apart from this we have a very happy relationship, my friends and family get on well with him. It's not as easy as just end it is it? please help me. I am struggling to accept this.

Well, he is showing you how he feels. It is horrid to accept but he doesn't seem to want to commit to anyone and he is happy as things are. You have to decide whether you can be happy with this or if you will leave him and be free to meet someone who does want to commit to you.

He told you what he wants. Take it or leave it. Can you force him - NO.

He's not ready to live with you. He has told you that. You obviously have different ideas about the relationship. If you can live with that, then carry on as you are. If living together is an absolute necessity for you, then you need to consider whether you are with the right person.

I think I would enjoy this type of a relationship myself. And I have seen others do this very successfully. For some people, living together means they take you for granted, and things become "ho hum" and they start making less effort in the relationship. I've seen marriages go this way; pre-marriage both parties think of things to do, make plans together, but after the wedding they seem to stagnate. I think he is afraid this will happen with you two. Maybe?

surely for a couple our age we should be building a home together

Not necessarily ... There are all sorts of relationships and tbh I think not sharing a home can have huge advantages. Should has got nothing to do with it and possibly betrays a cultural norm that you have bought in to.... If it's really important to you that you share a home know that this is because that is truly what you want rather than what you think you "should" be doing at your age.

Sounds pretty cool to me - time together, time apart, trust, shared keys , nice meals , cocktails and time thinking and planning nice things to do together;)))

Why do you need him to move in?

Think about it long and hard.... why?

His pov isn't that easy to be ignored. He hasn't misled you. He has told you why he doesn't want to. He doesn't want it to end. He is set in his ways but that doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It sounds as though he is what he has always been, no new things in his life.

So you have to decide if this is enough for you or if his sticking to his decision is a deal breaker for you. But do remember he isn't to blame for anything, he just didn't change his mind.

Good luck getting your head round it all.

If he doesn't want to move in with you then that's his decision & he should be free to make it, not be under this amount of pressure from you to do something he clearly doesn't want to.

It doesn't matter what everyone else in their 30's is doing & it obviously is a big deal to him. Do you honestly expect him to move in against his wishes because it makes you unhappy that he hasn't?! What about what he wants to do?

Stop pressurising him, he will move in when he decides he's ready for that level of commitment.

He isn't obligated to live with you and you can't force him. It sounds like he is quite clear what he wants and is just placating you to get you off his back.
You need to decide if you are prepared to accept what he is offering or move on.

He doesn't want to move in with you. I'm afraid that that is just the way it is. It sucks in a relationship when one person wants more than the other person, but you can't make him feel and want what he doesn't.

You sound like you want to live together because it's just what people do.

What you have together now sounds great actually.

I have absolutely no desire to live with my partner. I love him I want to be with him. I don't want anyone else. We have a good life holidays together, nights out days out etc. He is the first person I call in good times or bad. I have young children I have to put them first. He is older than me and thinks 2 children would be too much to cope with. He was being honest there. He's brilliant with them and we do lots together. We just don't live together.

Just re read your post. He sounds perfect. Don't pressure him into a decision. It may not be the one you want.

Sounds perfect to me!!!

You get to enjoy him 4 nights a week but its your house and your kids get you to themselves for part of the week.

Sounds great!

Agree with the others - and I have to say I would find it very off-putting to be asked to move in again after I'd said no. It's entirely his choice - perhaps he values his solitude, perhaps he doesn't particularly want to live with children, perhaps he's prefer to keep things a bit more casual with you. Whatever his reason, it's his choice and you need to respect it.

I don't understand why he is making such a big deal

I don't think he is, is he? You've asked him, more than once, to move in. So he has had to say no more than once as well. Top tip: stop asking him.

I don't live with my partner - I spend 2 -3 weeks of each month at his place and the rest of the time at my own, where I can see my friends and grandchildren when I want.

It is a pretty healthy way of living I find. I've been married and honestly having space from each other is great.

If people can afford it I can see more relationships working long term better like this than the traditional ways of living together.

It's a set up that I would enjoy personally, however, it may indicate lack of commitment on his part. It may be that this relationship suits him very well for now, but he doesn't want to make it permanent.

I guess you need to get to the bottom of how he sees this relationship.
If he's not prepared to offer more, and you want a more committed, more involved partner, then it's perfectly ok if this I a deal-breaker for you. I'm sure you can find someone who shares your vision of a relationship.

"I don't see why he's making it such a big deal" WTF?! You're asking him to be a step parent to your kids and you don't see it as a big deal?

It sounds like a pretty great set up to me.

But it's how you and he feel about it that's important. If this is a deal breaker for you then so be it. The worst
Possible thing he could do would be to move in if he isn't certain about it. I think he sounds quite sensible really. Are you seeing yourselves as not committed to each other because you aren't living together? Do you know why this is so important to you?

Thank you for the kind words so far, of course being a step parent is a big deal, this is the reason I think 3 years is a good time unlike some rushed weddings I have heard of. The thing is he has not raised fear of becoming a step parent as an issue, if he did then I would understand. I know I need to take it or leave it but its very difficult because this Lack or living together makes me feel slightly rejected.

On the other had he helps me with my kids, more than their father does. Days out etc. it's not like he spends more time alone with. I also don't want to end up old and alone, pathetic I know, but I am being honest. If I stay I will be staying in the hope that he will change his mind in due course, again that the honest truth. I just don't want to find someone and the only he have in common is the desire to live together, there is more to a relationship than that. I have all that apart from 3 nights. Why does this bother me.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you deal with it?

Did you read my post.?? Yes. Its taken me a while yo jump off my white cloud and feel happy with the situation. I have a 'proper' relationship as far as I (we) are concerned but we have very much discussed living together and for Now its a no from both parties. We will review as time passes

Living in separate houses seems to suit some people. That's OK if you are both happy with this arrangement. But you are not. It really is difficult for you. I don't think there is a solution. You can either carry on as you are and hope he changes his mind eventually. Push him into a decision with some sort of time limit for him to make up his mind. Or else just tell him the relationship is over unless he moves in.

You don't sound like you are focussing on the relationship but on your ideas of what you think 'should' happen. Your man has been honest throughout about his position and that is to be applauded. It would be wrong to attempt to pressure him into a situation that he does not want.

Why does it make you feel rejected? Good question. It would be better for you to spend some time trying to get to grips with the reasons for this - which are probably to do with your psyche rather than issues in the relationship.

Thank you, yes I have read all the posts,Jupiter why do you say it's taken you sometime to come your white cloud? I thought you both like things as they are?did you start off wanting to leave together? Yes he would be the first number I called if i needed anything , he would not have it any other way. How did you get to acceptance? Did it bother you at all?

I don't think the OP is focussing on what she thinks 'should' happen, but what she wants. If she doesn't want semi-detached, that's fine. I can see why she feels rejected because he is rejecting the option of living with her.

I would want to get to the bottom of what this says about how he sees the relationship. It could be they continue this setup for the rest of their lives perfectly happily, or it could be a sign that he's not willing to commit 100%. He may really love the OP but not want to be a full time step parent.

Have you ever discussed marriage OP?

Thank you twinklestein, we have not discussed marriage properly, I was quite certain earlier on that after getting divorced I did not want to marry, he on the other hand said marriage is outdated. I have been clear that I would like a live in partner though.