Need urgent relationship moved house and he is not coming

[Lifeisforlivingkatie]

We met 3 years ago this summer. He has never married or lived with a woman since university. Has had some girlfriends but not many. 3 in total. Ours is the longest relationship in his 30's. I am divorced with two children youngest is 8 oldest is 18. They all get on very very well.

He stays at mine 4 nights a week and the rest at his bachelor pad to which I have the keys. It's shared and I have no trust issues with him at all. Trouble is, I asked him to move in with us last year, he refused. I have now bought a new place and I asked him to move in, initially he just said no. I explained that his lack of living together makes me an happy, he is aware of this. He says he knows that if we live together we will ruin our relationship because we may stop putting in as much effort as he does now because the time away allows him to think of interesting things to cook etc. he is very attentive. Makes me lovely dinners, cocktails etc.

He says he may also reduce the amount of sport he plays , ( the three nights he stays is when he plays for a local team and they get in late.

I don't understand why he is making such a big deal, surely for a couple our age we should be building a home together. He does all the jobs around mine, for example he has done most of the unpacking after my move, hang curtains etc. I have suggested we do a living together trial, he finally said he will think a about it. I asked him how long he needed to think for he said he is not going to give me a timescale.

Apart from this we have a very happy relationship, my friends and family get on well with him. It's not as easy as just end it is it? please help me. I am struggling to accept this.

I have all that apart from 3 nights.

Except aren't three of the four nights he does spend with you linked to sport he does near to your house that goes on late? Are you concerned that maybe it's convenient to stay with you, rather than something he actually wants? I would expect one of the aspects of a semi-detached relationship is that when the couple are together it's out of choice and not just practicality.

Yes I did. I would have said it was definitely more me in the beginning, but its not a case of he has talked me down at all. I guess as time has passed I have come to accept that its not really feasible for either of us. Me its a bit financial (you sound better placed than me) also a case of unless we make a serious commitment (marriage) don't want to move my children in and out of something. I appreciate that divorce happens but even so..
For him..he has lived on his own a long time and likes his routines and coming and going as he pleases (like yours sport related)
my white cloud. When I said that I meant that when we met I (we) fell head over heels in love and I dreamt of a proposal. As time has passed for the reasons above I have reached an acceptance that this relationship is very real and working well as it is and is making me happy. If we come to a point where it isn't making us happy then we will have to reassess. If it ain't broke..
However your post suggests you are not happy and you need to consider your options. He has been very hones

I just came to say what tricot said. Does he only stay with you on the nights he does sport because it's convenient?

Fwiw I have a relationship that works brilliantly with not living together. We see each other 4-5 nights a week at his place or mine. We see each other as much as we can when we don't have the kids or only one of us does. It works so well I am beginning to think this kind of relationship is the future! Neither of us can move at the moment as our respective kids are settled at their schools.. We live 25 miles apart but both live close to our respective ex partners and share residency 50/50. But tbh neither of us wants to change what is working so well.

It seems to me that your bf has told you that he doesn't want to move in. I think you need to ask yourself if that's because he's happy with how things are and he's worried that living together will spoil what you have. Or if it's because he's just not that into you. And is using the arrangement because it's convenient to him.

Oh no, the nights he is not with us are the sports nights, he spends Thursday to Sunday with us and then Tuesday i iChat's and occasional Mondays as well, if there is no team training. He is has a good good but I earn a lot more, my friends seem to think this maybe the issue,

You sound very lucky and very unaware of how lucky you are. Sounds perfect to me.

He doesn't want to live with you. End of. You can either accept that or move on: if you nag and whine until he does move in then he will move out again fairly shortly. But probably not until you have both had a pretty miserable time. If you coerce a partner into doing what you want then every time you row it will be thrown back at you and, to an extent, it will serve you right.

Just read what I posted last night.. 'I dreamt of a proposal' someone come and slap me with a wet fish puhlease!

Maybe he doesnt want someone telling him he cant go to sports 3 times a week, as I have seen many many posters on here try to do. They try and change him into what they think is acceptable. He is obviously happy with life as it is. So stop trying to bully him into something he isn't ready for. If the relationship isn't going the way you want, either change your expectations or find someone else.

I think my first thought would be that he is very self-aware and he knows that he likes his life the way it is, but he is also actually really very supportive of you and your family. I agree with the posters who say that you are lucky.

You cannot change his view and it really won't work if he feels pushed into living with you to keep the relationship. He is being honest about what he wants and thinks, and you either need to accept that or end the relationship. You should not try to coerce him.

I'm not clear why you feel that you need to live together to be happy? It sounds a bit like you have got my bigger house, with a place for him, no matter how he feels about it. It is not even like you are choosing a place together. Are you planning on children or something?

There is something to be said for wanting what you have got, not spending your life wishing for what you don't have.

They've been together for 3 years... he's in his 30s, how much time does a man need to get 'ready'? Is his life on permanent dress rehearsal? He's not a child, he's not ill... Either he wants the kind of relationship the OP is after or he doesn't.

Why are women so fearful of rocking the boat, thinking they have to accept what they're given, even if it doesn't suit them?

jupiterGentlefly, what would you say of he proposed to you now? It's such a romantic thought... Ok back on earth, I suppose perfection in life is difficult to find.

Mexicanspring time, thank you for pointing out how lucky I am, please can you elaborate?

You have children already: it's not a case of him dithering while your fertility declines.

He doesn't want to live with you. He wants time to himself and his own home. This is not about 'life on dress rehearsal', it's about someone not wanting a live-in relationship. Frankly I'm on his side. I am nearly 50 and have never lived with a partner, and anyone trying to presure me into doing so would get dumped.

If that's what you want SGB that's fine, but if you were with a man who wanted marriage and to live together then it wouldn't be the right relationship for either of you.

I was replying to a poster who was talking about being 'ready'. With you the question is not one of readiness but preference.

OP it's difficult to find perfection in life, well, impossible, but it's not that difficult to find a man who is on the same page as regards relationships.

May I ask how old you and he are exactly?

bluebell and Twinkle, you have both given me food for thought.Yes sometimes the best can be the enemy of the good,on the other hand he is nearly 40 I am sure even if we split up the next woman may want to live with him too. I think he thinks if we live together he will loose his freedom. In reality his life won't be that different apart from the savings from not running a flat. I have children so its important to me to know they have a home. I have told him he is welcome to buy a share when he is ready,

Hmm I honestly don't know. I still love the idea. But I am happy as I am for the foreseeable future.

At 39 I don't think it's a question of being 'ready' as I said, he either wants full time committed relationship with you that includes living in the same house, or he doesn't.

You're absolutely right that if you split up the next gf will want to live with him too, and the next.

I would want to know how he sees his future. Does he see you as his life partner? Does he ever want to have kids? Is he committed to freedom for good?

Many guys say they don't want marriage, kids etc but then they meet someone & do both. And many make that decision between aged 35 - 45. If he changes his mind about kids, given your age, that may cause problems.

It could be an indication of immaturity and commitment-phobia to fear that living together will 'ruin' the relationship. Living with someone can be what makes the relationship. It sounds like he sees relationships as romance, sex, dinner, cocktails & a bit of DIY. If he were in his 50s like SGB and he'd been married before, he could be completely committed to you and equally sure he doesn't want to live with anyone again. But my concern is that he's young enough to feel he hasn't found his life partner yet, even if he's not fully conscious of that.

You've got my dream set-up. I have no desire to live with a man again, like many of the previous posters.

But you do. Either crack on as you are and enjoy what you have or end it and look for someone who does want to live with you.

Bemused.
He doesn't want to live with you.
He's a nice man and you trust him.

Why try and make him do something he doesn't want to?

Unless you want to piss him off... the "savings of not running a flat" made me raise an eyebrow - do you want him to pay you some expenses for 4 days a week keep?

Fine if you do - but if that's the issue, why not say so?

I think, really, for all that is said about him, you need to be true to yourself. If you want a live-in partner, he might not be the man for you and this will just cause resentment either way. On his part if he moves in without wanting to; on yours if he doesn't and you want him to.

You say that you want your children to have a home. They do. With you. They have the rhythm and practices of life you have set up, and you get on with. He seems to come easily in and out of that, but I am wondering if there is an issue there. Is there a problem for the DC going from a dynamic of three people (you and DC) to a dynamic of four people (you plus Dc plus him)? From the DC point of view, he should only move in if he is really very sure and he is committing to being a family.

Thank you for your thoughts everyone, we are both 38, he seems clear about not wanting children now, although he says contraception is never 100 percent so if it happened that I got pregnant he would expect us to have the baby, he would ask or expect me to terminate the pregnancy, he says he is committed to us and does not want nor indeed to meet another woman.

I think Twinkle is right, there is definitely immaturity and commitment phobia, that said he has only ever had two jobs, is loyal to his sports club and very reliable. His family seems a bit unhappy. He went to boarding school at 7 and in the time we have been together they have never visited, they live only an hour away.

I have a close relationship with my family and in our first yeartogether I encouraged him to visit his parents more, however that only happened twice. He spends all holidays with us, he never mentioned speaking to his mother on Mother's Day even though my kids were making a fuss of me. I have decided its not my place to ask too many questions about his family but I suspect we learn about relationships from our parents.

Last night he mentioned that he is afraid of ruining our relationship by changing it. I am not sure how this could ruin it. Is commitment phobia a real condition?

OneMoreChap, yes, well to be honest, if he is there four days a week, he should be making some financial contribution, I would have thought.

Onemorechap, no it's not about paying for the upkeep.thats not an issue at all. He buys food and cooks most of the time, he also helps me in my work and does not accept any payment for this.

I was highlighting the fact that his place is hardly used. On the nights he is not there, he gets in at 11pm, telephones me before he sleeps and then work, back to mine the next day.

Bluevell, thank you for your comment, what I meant about the my children to have a home was in a response to a previous comment about( its your house, it's not like you have picked a place together)

I have just bought this house, when I brought up the idea of livi g together I did suggest renting a place together for a year and then buy. I was I'm temporary rent at the time. He was not up for it. I decided to carry and by a house for me and the kids.

You do seem to have the view that there is something lacking in him because he doesn't want to move in together full time.
I don't see his interest in sport as immaturity - its his hobby. if you lived together would you then start pushing him to spend less time at his hobby?

He has chosen a life in which he is a loving partner but maintains some of his own interests.
I think you are a bit 'my way is right' which shows little respect tbh.

If he were your DP with whom you had three children then you would have a point. But you are both old enough to chose the nature of your relationship. He has been totally honest about wht he wants. Treating what he wants as immaturity of a 'commitment phobia' is odd.
He just wants different things to you.

It seems to me that this type of arrangeent is becoming more common. Not just because of circumstance, but because people actually really like it as a set up. I know I do!