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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Need urgent relationship moved house and he is not coming

126 replies

Lifeisforlivingkatie · 05/04/2014 16:24

We met 3 years ago this summer. He has never married or lived with a woman since university. Has had some girlfriends but not many. 3 in total. Ours is the longest relationship in his 30's. I am divorced with two children youngest is 8 oldest is 18. They all get on very very well.

He stays at mine 4 nights a week and the rest at his bachelor pad to which I have the keys. It's shared and I have no trust issues with him at all. Trouble is, I asked him to move in with us last year, he refused. I have now bought a new place and I asked him to move in, initially he just said no. I explained that his lack of living together makes me an happy, he is aware of this. He says he knows that if we live together we will ruin our relationship because we may stop putting in as much effort as he does now because the time away allows him to think of interesting things to cook etc. he is very attentive. Makes me lovely dinners, cocktails etc.

He says he may also reduce the amount of sport he plays , ( the three nights he stays is when he plays for a local team and they get in late.

I don't understand why he is making such a big deal, surely for a couple our age we should be building a home together. He does all the jobs around mine, for example he has done most of the unpacking after my move, hang curtains etc. I have suggested we do a living together trial, he finally said he will think a about it. I asked him how long he needed to think for he said he is not going to give me a timescale.

Apart from this we have a very happy relationship, my friends and family get on well with him. It's not as easy as just end it is it? please help me. I am struggling to accept this.

OP posts:

MillyJones · 09/04/2014 10:22

Katie if I were in your shoes I would feel the same and I would wonder why he doesn't want to fully commit to me by taking the final step. I would wonder why he doesn't seem to love me enough to want to marry me too. (but that's me). It sounds like he likes his life the way it is. He likes his bit of independence and he likes to keep some of himself back and play the part of "partner" when he wants to but still has the option to go back home and be alone too. He is just not there yet. He may never be. Long term what do you want though. Do you want marriage and babies with him? If you do then this may never happen.

SolidGoldBrass · 09/04/2014 10:33

What do you think you would gain from living together, apart from the satisfaction of getting your own way?

tribpot · 09/04/2014 11:22

Well I think Milly raises an interesting point - is it children that the OP hopes will happen with the DP? (In which case him living somewhere else would be a decided no).

OP, I think if you view your ideal man as having the following three characteristics:

you fancy him like crazy
he cares for your kids
he wants to live with you

realistically you are always going to have to accept some compromise on the ideal. And of the three characteristics you've mentioned, the third one is definitely the one to compromise on!

Original poster

Lifeisforlivingkatie · 09/04/2014 15:29

No I am not wanting to have kids, I have two and he has none. If he really wanted one of his own, I would reconsider, I would find it unfair to deprive someone of parenting. He seems clear on not wanting kids.

Tribpot thank you for your practical approach, it seems in life you have to compromise on something, it,s like house hunting. Milliejones you sound like an old fashioned romantic like me.SGB I am not messing with you, you should too practical for the faint hearted like me.

How about setting a timescale?

OP posts:

DoINeedToPutMyShoesOn · 09/04/2014 17:11

Is it the children?

MillyJones · 09/04/2014 17:33

Katie, I know that what Im saying is not nice and it is only my opinion but from all you have said, you are not "his one". He says he doesn't want children and that he doesn't want to live with you. He just doesn't seem to be 100 per cent that you are the one. Someone could could along in the future and bam!! he wants to marry her and give her babies. I have seen this many times. You are Mrs. Right Now and maybe that is all he has to offer you. He has said he doesn't want a timescale and doesn't want to live with you. I do understand where you are coming from and you are right to want the things you do but he isn't willing to give you what you want. Yes, I am a romantic and for me it has to be the full monty or not at all. Why settle for less than you really want.

scottishmummy · 09/04/2014 17:52

Really?can't you see what the big deal is.youre expecting single guy to cohabit be stepdad
You just assumed he'd step up to this role,with scant discussion.clearly he has other ideas
You need to consider his wishes,respect that yes happy dating and staying over but nothing else

ALittleStranger · 09/04/2014 18:38

I'm always reading here that when men cohabit with single mums they have to accept that they are now step dads, their money is now family money etc. It's a huge step. If he's not ready to commit to it I kind of commend him for putting boundaries in place.

NotNewButNameChanged · 09/04/2014 21:21

Milly - the fact that there ARE people out there who are in a relationship exactly like this and BOTH are happy with the 'together several nights, apart a couple' approach would tend to suggest it is simply nonsense to say that the OP can't possibly be his "one". Just as it's nonsense to say that just because he doesn't want kids means she isn't his "one". Relationships aren't all 'one size fits all' or identical.

MillyJones · 09/04/2014 21:28

If people are BOTH happy within their relationship then their is no problem but the OP is not happy is she. She wants more and is asking him for more but he has no more to give her. In my opinion if he wanted to please the OP and loved her enough to make her completely happy then he would want to move in with her without her having to ask. Other peoples opinions are not nonsense just because they are different to yours.

Original poster

Lifeisforlivingkatie · 09/04/2014 22:35

Milly my BF does not want kids with anyone, not just me. I did mention in my original post that apart from sharing a place with his university girlfriend(she was bipolar and suicidal and used to through objects at him) he has not lived with anyone I. His mature years. It's not like he has proposed to other people or lived with them.

For him this is the longest and happiest relationship he has ever had. He is a very cautious and steady person. He does not hop from one job to the other etc. he has only had two jobs since graduating over 15 years ago. To say I am or I am not the one is very subjective. I could be the one and he does not want to ruin it. Who knows!

Regarding children, he has said if we found out I was pregnant he would not expect me to end the pregnancy and he will do the right thing, whatever that means. I have had a few issues with coil including it getting lost in my womb, needed general for them to remove it. He suggest I go without any contraception for a while. I told him this would be careless but he says contraception is not 100 percent safe. He would not do it without a snip or latex if he was not prepared for the consequences.

OP posts:

RandomFriend · 09/04/2014 22:51

OP, your relationship sounds lovely and your DP sounds very devoted and dependable.

By maintaining his own place, he is giving you time alone with your DCs, which can also be interpreted as being very considerate of him.

You mentioned boarding school – has he talked about his experiences there with you? Was he homesick at first? How did he adapt and manage? What sort of home-life did he have during the school vacations?

Have you met his parents?

Seven is very young to begin boarding. I have a DS that began boarding at 12. I don’t think you can generalise about what the boarding experience at a very young age does to boys, but it is bound to have some effect. For your DP, one aspect is that he has carried on the emphasis on sport and routine - doing sport three times a week every week shows quite a lot of discipline.

You don’t have to answer these questions here, but you might want to explore them with him to understand better where he is coming from and why he is not willing to consider moving in with you.

Original poster

Lifeisforlivingkatie · 09/04/2014 23:04

Thank you RandomFriend, I think boarding school depends on how much love the parents keep showing the child. He was boarding 3 miles from family home. He is one of 5. Mum stayed at home whilst dad worked in the city and went home at weekends. He said the parents did visit at all apart from end of term. During summer holidays the enrolled the children I. Holiday camps. As a result the siblings are not close at all.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lifeisforlivingkatie · 09/04/2014 23:05

I meant they did not visit or telephone until end of term.

OP posts:

RandomFriend · 09/04/2014 23:31

I was wondering if it might be something like that, just from the previous things you have said about him. Not visiting during term time when being so close is quite unusual.

So his experience of being parented wasn't particularly great. That might explain why he doesn't want to be a parent himself, but is happy to enjoy time with your children.

onlyjoking9329 · 09/04/2014 23:32

DH and I each had our own houses, we enjoyed it that way for three years. we planned getting married and living together which We did when I was pregnant with twins.
Both living styles worked really well for us massivly, we worked so amazingly together. and made sure we also got times for our ourselves. time alone.

My DP lives fifteen minutes away, we've been together 4 years.
I like having my own place with my three teens, who have autism, they don't do moving house or change awfully well
We will move in together once the DCs leave education.
but it's not on my urgent to do list.

It seems to me that you're being quite unfair to him, he has always made his wishes very clear, that has not changed.
What will you do if he says he doesn't want to live together?
Can you set yourself a deadline in your head, use the time between, now and then,to decide if it's a deal breaker.

RandomFriend · 09/04/2014 23:47

It seems to me, OP, that your DP doesn't want to move in because he
didn't experience a good home life himself as a child.

So it is more about him and what he feels he can handle, rather than about how he feels about you.

On the timescale - might he feel differently in a couple of years?

Would your DCs be happy with him moving in?

Original poster

Lifeisforlivingkatie · 10/04/2014 08:38

Thank you again, yes both my children would love it if he moved in, they both asked him if he would be coming to stay with us, now we have a bigger house (my seven year old)

I would be delighted if I due course he changes his mind and realises that he does technically live here already. He spends all holidays with us, including Christmas.

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 10/04/2014 13:05

The more you post, the more sympathy I have for his need to have some time away from you every week. You are absolutely relentless in your determination to get your own way, aren't you? The poor sod would never have a moment's peace if he did move in.

JupiterGentlefly · 10/04/2014 13:28

SGB I don't read it that way at all. I am sure op posted further upthread that she is doing all her outpouring on here to avoid it spilling into her relationship.
Katie you have had some unfair responses and I admire your dignity in not rising to the bait.

Annielove · 10/04/2014 19:52

Katie, my position is the other way round . My partner wants me to move in with him but i'm stalling. Not because i have any doubts about my love for him, it's more about enjoying having my own space . I really look forward to seeing him . I was married for years and this is so much more enjoyable, we make a real effort with each other. I'm sure he loves you very much and it's just that he is completely happy with the way things are. Stick with him, he sounds like a good man and they can be hard to find. Good luck.

Original poster

Lifeisforlivingkatie · 10/04/2014 20:27

Thank you JupiterG, I am trying to stay constructive through out this process, unfair comments are just that..

I am not going to discuss this with him until I am 100 percent clear what I am going to do. I don't want to nag or pressurise him, hence my communication here with you guys. SGB he knew I had kids from day one, if he knew that family life was not his thing, he should have walked, but he did not and does not. He comes to more primary school events that some married, biological fathers.

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 11/04/2014 08:21

SGB that is totally OTT and not far off a personal attack.

I have disagreed with the op throughout this thread but nowhere have I seen her say anything that suggests what you have said about her. Totally uncalled for.

Original poster

Lifeisforlivingkatie · 30/06/2014 05:59

Update, hello everyone who advised me, we have discussed trying to live together, I suggested October when my eldest goes to Uni, he wants to do it August when we get back from summer holidays, I am excited and scared at the same time.

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 30/06/2014 13:20

Oh katie that's great news. I'm pleased you have reached an agreement and I hope you are very happy living together

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