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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need urgent relationship moved house and he is not coming

126 replies

Lifeisforlivingkatie · 05/04/2014 16:24

We met 3 years ago this summer. He has never married or lived with a woman since university. Has had some girlfriends but not many. 3 in total. Ours is the longest relationship in his 30's. I am divorced with two children youngest is 8 oldest is 18. They all get on very very well.

He stays at mine 4 nights a week and the rest at his bachelor pad to which I have the keys. It's shared and I have no trust issues with him at all. Trouble is, I asked him to move in with us last year, he refused. I have now bought a new place and I asked him to move in, initially he just said no. I explained that his lack of living together makes me an happy, he is aware of this. He says he knows that if we live together we will ruin our relationship because we may stop putting in as much effort as he does now because the time away allows him to think of interesting things to cook etc. he is very attentive. Makes me lovely dinners, cocktails etc.

He says he may also reduce the amount of sport he plays , ( the three nights he stays is when he plays for a local team and they get in late.

I don't understand why he is making such a big deal, surely for a couple our age we should be building a home together. He does all the jobs around mine, for example he has done most of the unpacking after my move, hang curtains etc. I have suggested we do a living together trial, he finally said he will think a about it. I asked him how long he needed to think for he said he is not going to give me a timescale.

Apart from this we have a very happy relationship, my friends and family get on well with him. It's not as easy as just end it is it? please help me. I am struggling to accept this.

OP posts:
Driveway · 06/04/2014 16:10

If I had the money I would send DH off to his own house for three nights a week. It'd be great!

BitOutOfPractice · 06/04/2014 16:13

It's the future Driveway. You could send the kids as well :D

JupiterGentlefly · 06/04/2014 16:13

Bitoutofpractice. . I remember you from the 'hilarious' he is not your partner if you don't live together threads. I thought at the time you sounded as happy as I am with our respective arrangements!

JupiterGentlefly · 06/04/2014 16:15

You do read of husband and wife buying houses next door to each other. .

BitOutOfPractice · 06/04/2014 16:24

OH yes, that one! I remember it well. I got rather frothy a bit het up didn't I? Blush

I do love my set up. I've been at home with the kids all day, doing jobs and chilling out. Their dad has just taken them to hi so I shall go to the gym and then pootle over to DP's (!) where dinner and wine will be waiting. What's not to like?

JupiterGentlefly · 06/04/2014 16:32

Ahh yes but I was in agreement! I can understand how op is feeling. I wasn't always like this. Now as you say.. whats not to like.

Original poster
Lifeisforlivingkatie · 06/04/2014 16:40

He is not your partner if you don't live together! I missed those threads I shall find them...

He has packed away all my boxes, gone for a bit I'd sport will be back tomorrow to make dinner and finish off, he has asked me to make a list of all the jobs that need doing.. What's not to like?? good point Bitoutofpractise ... Well, I love waking up next to him

on a serious note, that's a good perspective to have, looking at the positives.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 06/04/2014 17:03

Just because I don't live with my dp doesn't mean I don't love him enough Katie. Or that I don't love waking up next to him. Because I do. And will do so every night this week.

But I also love eating chocolate in bed. And occasionally waking up alone. And having the perfect balance of a partner on tap, along with freedom and independence at the same time

maggiemight · 06/04/2014 17:16

Seven is young to go to boarding school, and if he doesn't visit his family it seems there might be ishoos there. But if he doesn't talk about it there's not much you can do.

Twinklestein · 06/04/2014 17:35

My father went to boarding school at 7 and it does do something to children - makes them more detached. That said my dad met and married my mum within a year of meeting, at 30, so he's not that detached.

I think commitment to jobs and sport is in a completely different box to relationships. How many men in Britain are there who maintain steadfast loyalty to their team while running through a succession of relationships...?

There are many positives about your status quo, and as someone who has surf boards & climbing gear piled in the spare room, the idea of separate houses has it's appeal. But that has got to be a positive choice for you, not just something you go along with to keep the peace.

My concern is that you have replaced the family that he doesn't see - you take the place of his mum - and he gets home comforts at your house & still retains his freedom. This could be a good-enough-for-now relationship for him, whether he's aware of it or not, and he's enjoying at present, but at some point in the next 7 years he may decide he's up for cohabitation and kids, but it may not be with you...

Original poster
Lifeisforlivingkatie · 06/04/2014 17:47

Auch!! So it may not be that he is so used to living alone there enjoys a bit of quite time without the kids. He may just be using me and kids for home comforts and then possibly dumb me to go and breed. Now that thought never crossed my mind, maybe I should run...

OP posts:
BluebellTuesday · 06/04/2014 17:51

Ah, sorry, I see what you mean re dc having a home. FWIW, I do see why it is hard for you. I am coming from the perspective where my ex was not living with me, and then when we got married, it turned into a car crash. It was horrible. That is why I would be keeping someone at arms length, but that is my issue. TBH, it sounds like the flat is a wee bolt hole and maybe having that bolthole makes the rest work. Yes, he might go off with someone else in a few years and have dc, but he might do that even if he moves in.

BluebellTuesday · 06/04/2014 17:52

PS I don't think he will.

Original poster
Lifeisforlivingkatie · 06/04/2014 18:43

You are right, if someone wants to cheat or move on there is nothing on Gods earth that would stop them.

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 07/04/2014 08:28

I don't understand why he is making such a big deal

Seems like you are the one making the big deal, to be honest. He is being honest, I don't think you can ask for more if he isn't ready!

NotNewButNameChanged · 07/04/2014 08:47

Everyone is right on this thread, actually.

For many people, this does sound an ideal situation. You're not wrong if you want more, but he's not wrong if he doesn't. If he's never lived with anyone before, to move in with someone who has two children aged and 18 (even if they get on well as things stand), it's a very big deal. But I also agree with different, he isn't making it a big deal, you are. He has been totally honest and totally supportive.

We often read on the relationships board about relationships that go south because X expected their partner to change once they got together or that they'd change their mind about certain things. Why? Don't we tell people not to settle and not to be with someone who doesn't want us precisely as we are?

He seems to be a decent guy who knows himself well. That's actually a very good thing. Suggests reliable and dependable. Unfortunately, for you, living together permanently in the near future may be a deal breaker. If it is, c'est la vie. But he certainly hasn't done anything wrong. It's totally your decision about what you want. If you want a partner who lives together (and I disagree with your earlier comment that you can't be a partner if you don't live with someone) then let this guy go.

littlecrystal · 07/04/2014 09:25

I would love such set up in a relationship, but my concern would be that he is 38 and does not want children - surely he may change his mind and that what?

If he was 45+ and/or divorced with kids, then I would say enjoy what you have.

As he is an old bachelor type, I would be afraid that he once he changes his mind about having kids, that will be it.

An idea of him going to you for homely comforts is also interesting.. that could be the case.

JupiterGentlefly · 07/04/2014 09:35

Hi notnew you have spoken very sensibly. Actually most posters have. The not partners because you don't live together bit came from another thread. That was fun!!! Grin we mostly agreed that you can be partners and live apart too! But some didn't hence the 'fun'

SolidGoldBrass · 07/04/2014 10:57

You cannot force someone to stay with you forever and you have no right to do so. There are no guarantees with human relationships. He might decide in 5 years time that he wants to start a family with a younger woman. He might decide, next year, that he would like to marry you and have another child with you (a decision which would be up to you to accept or reject, obviously). You might meet another man - or another woman - with whom you fall madly in love and wish to set up home with.

At the moment, though, I wonder if you realise how selfish and controlling you sound? There is nothing wrong with this man's refusal to move in with you. He's not a pet or a child, he doesn't have to obey you. The more you nag and whine, the more likely you are to wreck the relationship - if I was him I'd be heading for the hills already. Don't forget that one of the indicators for an abusive partner is one who constantly pressures you to move the relationship along faster or further than you want.

Twinklestein · 07/04/2014 11:12

She does not sound 'selfish and controlling' or even 'abusive' ffs. The OP would just like a normal cohabiting relationship, a perfectly reasonable request. Having been together for 3 years she's hardly pushing this relationship along at any great speed.

You've made it very clear you don't want to live with anyone SGB, but you're making this about you.

NotNewButNameChanged · 07/04/2014 11:20

Twinkle, you said: "Either he wants the kind of relationship the OP is after or he doesn't."

And he's told her! He's been honest. He's not the one sitting on the fence not making a decision or trying to push her into a decision she isn't comfortable with!

OneMoreChap · 07/04/2014 11:26

Yep; he's said what he wants.
She wants something else, and I suspect the next thing will be improving his life by cutting out his sports....

... after all why not think she knows better than him about that, too.

Basically, he should run for the hills....

Twinklestein · 07/04/2014 12:12

Notnew

Actually sitting on the fence is precisely what he's doing: one foot at her place, one foot in a shared flat with his mates, he's neither committing 100% to the relationship, nor letting her go. He's got the best of both worlds.

And he's not being honest with her either: he has not warned the OP that he simply is not after the same type of relationship that she is, that he will never offer her more than this, and if she wants a cohabiting relationship they should split up. All he says is that living together 'ruins the relationship', which keeps her exactly where he wants her. If anything he is being the selfish and controlling one, maintaining the relationship at precisely the level he wants.

Why is it ok for him to be honest about not wanting to move in but it's not ok for the OP to be honest about what she wants? Why should she accept the deal she's offered like a good girl without questioning it?

I don't get the sense that the OP has overly pressured her bf, simply that she has expected the relationship to follow the lines of other ordinary relationships, and is only realising with this thread that not now may mean not ever.

My husband asked me many, many times to marry him before I said yes. Is that selfish and controlling of him or did he know what he wanted and went for it?

NotNewButNameChanged · 07/04/2014 12:20

Twinkle sorry, but I think a lot of what you say is nonsense. He is not forcing her to accept this. He likes the status quo. If she doesn't, she is perfectly at liberty to say so and leave the relationship or issue some form of ultimatum - either we try living together full-time before X or we call it quits.

No one has said it's not OK for her to be honest. No one is saying she doesn't need to question it.

Have you been reading a different thread?

I'm also amazed your husband bothered asking a third time. I'd have cut my losses after the second rejection.

SolidGoldBrass · 07/04/2014 12:41

She asked him to move in, he said no. She kept pestering, he said no. Despite the fact that he said no she went ahead and got another house and ordered him to move into it. And he's still saying no. When is she going to listen?