Need urgent relationship moved house and he is not coming

[Lifeisforlivingkatie]

We met 3 years ago this summer. He has never married or lived with a woman since university. Has had some girlfriends but not many. 3 in total. Ours is the longest relationship in his 30's. I am divorced with two children youngest is 8 oldest is 18. They all get on very very well.

He stays at mine 4 nights a week and the rest at his bachelor pad to which I have the keys. It's shared and I have no trust issues with him at all. Trouble is, I asked him to move in with us last year, he refused. I have now bought a new place and I asked him to move in, initially he just said no. I explained that his lack of living together makes me an happy, he is aware of this. He says he knows that if we live together we will ruin our relationship because we may stop putting in as much effort as he does now because the time away allows him to think of interesting things to cook etc. he is very attentive. Makes me lovely dinners, cocktails etc.

He says he may also reduce the amount of sport he plays , ( the three nights he stays is when he plays for a local team and they get in late.

I don't understand why he is making such a big deal, surely for a couple our age we should be building a home together. He does all the jobs around mine, for example he has done most of the unpacking after my move, hang curtains etc. I have suggested we do a living together trial, he finally said he will think a about it. I asked him how long he needed to think for he said he is not going to give me a timescale.

Apart from this we have a very happy relationship, my friends and family get on well with him. It's not as easy as just end it is it? please help me. I am struggling to accept this.

Twinkle I think you have got a very narrow view of what a 100% committed relationship is.

I don't live with DP (for reasons I have explained upthread) but I can assure you I am 100% committed to him, emotionally, practically and see a great future for us. The only thing we don't share is an address. I expect that we spend more quality time together than many many cohabiting couples

You say he has the best of both worlds - well so does the OP!

You also say "he has not warned the OP that he simply is not after the same type of relationship that she is". I wonder if the OP warned him, when they met "I am ony after a co-habiting relationship"? I strongly doubt it.

Where did I say he was 'forcing her to accept this?'

My remarks about it being ok for her to be honest were with regard to SGB's comments that the OP vocalising her desire to live together were nagging and whining, and doing so could 'wreck the relationship'.

With respect you know nothing about the circumstances of the proposals, so your comments are wild speculation. Many were too early in the relationship for me, but equally I wasn't particularly into the idea of marriage. My husband was, so I changed my mind, and I'm glad I did.

Bitoutofpratice

Not at all. I have said a couple of times that the OP's setup would suit me quite well. I am very pro people going for a setup that suits them, regardless of convention. But this is not about me, it's about what the OP wants, she has been very clear that cohabitation is important to her.

I have read your posts and by your account you and your partner seem on the same page and equally committed. I'm just not sure this is the case with the OP.

My previous post was to notnew ^

Why did you say that by not moving in he's not committing 100% to the relationship then?

Clearly they are not on the same page - that's the whole point of the thread. I think a lot of people are saying that the OP needs to either decide this is a deal breaker and move on, or accept the relationship for what it is (otherwise pretty damn good) and enjoy it for what it is and perhaps he will change his mind in years to come.

What everyone is also pretty much saying is that this guy has been honest with her. Trying to change his mind would be a. a bit unfair and b. futile

Twinkle no, I agree, I don't know the circumstances of those proposals. I merely stated what I would have done in your husband's shoes. I don't believe that is speculating.

The OP has made it clear to US that co-habiting is important to HER. He has made it clear to HER that, at the moment certainly, co-habiting is not important to him.

We don't know if he has said he sees them co-habiting later down the road. That WOULD be speculating, as we can only go on what the OP tells us.

The plain facts, speculation aside, is that HE is happy, SHE is not. It is therefore for HER to decide whether she is willing to continue or draw a line. Not HIM.

Bitoutofpractice

I said he's not committing 100% because I think it is the case in this particular situation. The OP is living partly with the OP and partly with his mates in a 'batchelor pad'. You and your partner live in houses with your children. It's a very different scenario.

I understand that some posters think he's been honest with her, I think he has up to a point, I just don't think he's been fully honest. I agree with Casmama that he is 'placating' her. He says he doesn't want to 'ruin' the relationship, that 'time away allows him to think of interesting things to cook' (?), that he 'might' do a trial but he won't give her a 'timescale'. So the OP doesn't know if it might happen in the future or if it will never happen: that's where he could be more honest. If you disagree that's fine.

You mean: he's clearly said no; repeatedly.

OP obviously doesn't realise No is a complete sentence, and keeps on and on and on and on.

He's tried no, he's trying something else no.
Perhaps OP should listen to what she's been told?

Trouble is, I asked him to move in with us last year, he refused. I have now bought a new place and I asked him to move in, initially he just said no

Yes, I know him not doing that makes her unhappy; she evidently doesn't give a toss that him moving in would make him unhappy.

Notnew

Speculation is a theory without firm evidence. As you said in your post regarding the OP: 'we can only go on what the OP tells us'. Quite. You know absolutely nothing about the facts and circumstances of my relationship, so your pov is simply conjecture. Nor am I interested in what you think you might have done anyway.

That's all I have to say, as this discussion is taking the thread way off topic.

Twinkle "batchelor pad" is such a loaded term! With the implication that he's living it up / shagging around. No, he's just living in his own home.

Twinkle - Yes, we can only go on what the OP tells us. So how come you have the bloke living with his mates in this "bachelor pad" when the OP has clearly told us he lives there alone?

Ha. Welcome to the alternate Twinkle reality...

'Batchelor pad' is the term the OP uses in her opening post. She also states it's 'shared':

He stays at mine 4 nights a week and the rest at his bachelor pad to which I have the keys. It's shared and I have no trust issues with him at all.

Apologies, Twinkle - OP seems to have told us two different things, that the flat is shared and that he lives alone.

If he is in his thirties then that is still quite young and he doesn't sound like he is ready to settle down yet. He likes his life just the way it is and is not in a position to make the commitment to you that you are wanting.

I read that as the DP sharing bachelor pad and keys with her, ie she could come and go there too. If it is a house share, presumably rented, that is something different.

Thank you all for your comments even though some have been hurtful, I have not pressured my boyfriend to move in with me, asking someone two years in a relationship to move in and they say they are not ready, leaving the issue alone for a year, then asking again is not my idea of pressurising.

The whole reason I started this thread was not to keep raising this conversation with him whilst I worked through my emotions.( I don't want him to feel pressured.

I was very clear to him at the start of the relationship that living together was what I was looking for. It was sensible to take my time to know him before asking him to move in the me. The current set up is like this.

I have a big house with my two children 18 and 7. I have paid a third of the deposit on my mortgage. He is renting in a shared town house, he has the top floor flat on the house. To which I have the keys and have done for 2 years. I used to spend a lot if time there at the start of the relationship ( you can not rush kids into playing happy families until you know the person) Now he comes to us. he is solvent but I earn I lot more. If we had to buy 50/50 we will end up with a smaller house.

When he said he was not ready a year ago, I respected his decision and acknowledged that becoming impart of the family is a big transition for him, being as he has kept on being involved with the kids and our relationship is good, I was happy to wait and discuss the matter in due course.

He does to behave like a lad, he is very sensible and spends all his leisure time with us, apart from the 3 evenings for his sports after work, the nights he gets in late and goes to his place.PS I love him playing sport it keeps him In good shape ( we met at the sport club we both belong to,I know all the other guys in his team, so yes he is playing sport on those nights not messing around)

His actions apart from moving in with us fully are that of a committed partner. He has assured me that he does not want another person, he expects us to be faithfully and loyal to each other and this is the most serious relationship he has had I. His 30's ( you should see the fuss he makes on our anniversary, you would think its a wedding anniversary. We spend more quality time than most couples I know.

It confuses me that he behaves like a Dp in everyday but seems to struggle with the next step. He knows exactly what I am expecting, if he knows he will never commit to me, why has not ended it? In a similar vein, why have I not ended it? We seem to both value the relationship. There must be a way to compromise since splitting up does seem to be the ideal option for us.

It seems some posters think my desires are not valid and his are? Why is this? Surely if an old fashioned woman like me is not his type, he too can walk on!

It will be helpful t have some suggestions on how we could reach common ground. He knows I would like us to live together, I have been totally honest about that.

It's not that your desires are not valid and his are.
It is that you are seeking a change and he is not.

If you want things to change and he does not then you have an impasse. At that stage you have to both chose,
You only compromise if both of you value the relationship enough to seek a middle ground . If you cannot then you have to split.

Only you know if he values the relationship enough to change. Only you know if you value the relationship enough to accept that he won't. So any posts on here cannot help enormously.

I am not sure that there is another compromise between living together/not living together, beyond the one you currently have.

The arrangements sound ideal. Why do you want to change them when they work so well?

Enjoy what you have, op, including the three evenings a week alone with your children.

Why do you want to persuade him to make a change when he fears that might spoil things?

Could he move closer to where you are but still live separately?

And it isn't about your wishes not being valid - they are, but he doesn't want to do it. If he wanted to move in and you didn't want him to, you wouldn't expect the MN response to be 'well ultimately what he wants is more important so you have to do it', would you?

You seem to feel he's not committed to the relationship because he hasn't moved in, whereas everything he is saying suggests this is not the case. Are you hung up on a technicality? What do you actually want to gain from living together?

However, ultimately if a live-in relationship is more important to you than this relationship, that's your right and your choice, and you need to let him go.

While your last post clarifies certain things, OP, the fact remains the same. HE is happy with the way things are. YOU are not. Therefore it is for YOU to decide whether you
a) can accept things as they are; or
b) can't accept things as they are and split up.

YOU are not wrong for wanting something more but by the same token HE is not wrong in wanting things to stay the same.

All those people saying the arrangements are ideal, maybe they would be for you, but they're not for the OP if that's not what she wants, are they?

Wiggly - No, they aren't ideal for the OP. So she needs to end it.

Thank you again for your thoughts, you maybe right, I maybe caught up on a technicality. Is living with someone more important that my relationship with him!! Good way to help in making a decision. My life is certainly happier with him in it. I suppose not making a decision is a decision in itself. Keep your comments coming. I will try and shift my expectations and try and see if I can come to accept the technicality. I hope he we be reevaluating as well. Will keep you posted.

Typo sorry, I meant to say I hope he too is reconsidering. For those who suggest I end it, any tips on we're to find a perfect man, who I will fancy like crazy, cares for my kids and willing to live together. I am 38. Ideas please. No I don't want to be single indefinitely nor do I want a fool for a partner.