H has just held me down by the throat

[mrsdoubtfiresspecs]

Scared. Everything's in my name in including debt. We have 2 dc. I have no where to turn. What should I do?

Hi op.
I imagine it's hard posting back on here when we are all saying call the police and leave. And you have to be ready to do that and maybe you are not - just keep posting and don't be alone in managing a volatile relationship and it's consequences. Did u call the police? I hope whatever u did you felt safe. I hope when you say "sorry" that it is not to us. It is only you who you need to answer to. If you are sorry to yourself (if you know what I mean) then maybe keep posting and talking to get more confidence and strength to know and act on what is abusive and dangerous behaviour by your partner. Is he willing to get help to tackle it? I'm glad you felt able to post again and sorry that it is so difficult for you to really and deeply know that you deserve better and will manage. Keep posting and please don't be alone in managing this situation - the more people know and tge more u are able to talk (here or to friends inRL) the easier it will get. Kicking him out doesn't take bravery but it does take knowing what YOU are really worth- and letting him work through his demons if he chooses to do so. Sorry - I'm rambling. Have been wondering how you were doing.

This isn't about asking him to leave, though, it's about talking to the police.
It's not too late to do that. Keep it in mind as an option you still have, and may need to take.

No one here is going to judge you though, mrsd. It's hard to do what you're trying to do. Try a word with WA as soon as you get the chance.
www.womensaid.org.uk

I think 2-3 years is the time it will take the OP to pay off their debts if he continues to contribute financially. If he leaves the debts will take substantially longer to pay off.

If he figures out debt is what's holding you to him he will ensure there is more.

You might get lucky this time, if your 4 year old is not yet at school or nursery. Next time there's a risk that he or she will tell a teacher what has happened, and then I think you will wish you had involved social services on your terms this time, rather than on theirs next time.

Good luck, OP.

OP I am really sorry to say this but you say you're going to wait 2-3 years. You might not live 2-3 years. And if you do, your dcs will have 2-3 more years of damage done to them. This is a man who would strangle you over a curtain pole, in front of young children. Every second you stay is a second more during which they know neither of their parents will protect them. If you won't leave or log the incident with the police then I hope and pray the dcs will make a disclosure. Except they probably won't because they'll think that what their mummy and daddy do is normal. For heaven's sake ring 101.

I just want to echo PP's sentiments that you mustn't feel alone. People are here for you, please keep posting.

Please just have a chat with someone from women's aid, debts can be dealt with, the CAB can help. Please don't put your children through this for the next two years for the sake of your debts.

This is just desperately sad. If you can't get help for yourself, do it for your children. It must be terrifying living in such a volatile situation. I grew up with violence - my mother repeatedly beat me & my sibling and parents fought with ine another, the DV was all around us . It's taken me a long time to realise how this has pervaded my whole life (I am in my 40s). The bottom line is that I have an undercurrent in my life of never feeling quite safe and it affects all aspects of my life. Please protect your children. They might seem like they are doing OK, but your current situation is doing untold harm.

This is the most tragic thread I have ever read. A mother of 2 very young dc is unwilling and unable to protect herself and her dc from an abusive wannabe killer husband.

He has just attempted murder and is sorry. She does not want to ensure her dc's safety but wants to keep them in a volatile and violent environment where her dc grow up thinking daddies strangle mummies but it is ok .

FFS op if you cannot and do not want to protect yourself you do realise by not logging anything with the police you are exposing your dc to a terrible and miserable childhood where by they will see dv as to be expected, your dd will be more likely choose a violent partner and your ds is more likely to turn into an abuser.

There might not be another time. Women get killed every week in instances just like this. Your failure to ask him to leave or call the police is the same as giving him the green light to treat you like this.

You are saying please do that again as by strangling me in front of the dc is ok, life goes on as normal.

By not doing anything you are saying to your dc this is normal behaviour, daddies can strangle mummies, it's ok.

You know it is likely he will do it again as your inaction gives him power over you.

You don't deserve to have your dc as you are not protecting them. By not protecting them or wanting to protect your dc from a violent and abusive home social services should come and take your dc away from you ASAP.

You and your children deserve so much more. If it is just the debts stopping you from leaving then speak to womans aid / debt support agency / even the companies you have the debts with there will be something that can be done with then so you can leave. You must put your safety and your children's safety first, life could be so much happier for the 3 of you. Do you have anyone in RL you could turn too?

Please PLEASE, dear OP, tell the Police. Protect yourself and your children. Grabbing you by the neck is potentially fatal - really escalating things. I assume this is not the first incident of violence. Other MNs here are quite right - if you don't report it, looks bad later on with SS when it comes to child protection. You don't want to lose your kids, do you, because you let this incident go? Or lose your life and your children left without a mother? Report it, now.

OP besides the damage to you, both your dcs are being damaged. Not only that, but if he is prepared to be violent towards you he is equally likely to lash out physically at them. Yesterday I read an article about a man who killed both his partner and their child in front of the other dcs.
If he had the self control to stop, he had the self control to decide to do it in the first place.
Money or your life? Money or your dcs' lives?

You do not have to apologise to anyone OP. Try to disregard anyone criticizing you for not leaving. I didn't and lots of other MNs didn't either. In retrospect I wish I had left the first time but I stayed because I thought that things would get better. Hard as it is to believe you don't just stop loving someone after they attack you. You have told him that next time you are off and that is a good thing. You sound like you are leaving him anyway, it is just a matter of time.

Go and see a solicitor to see where you would stand if you divorce. Ring Women's Aid and make an appointment to see someone. I did this at the time and it was invaluable. For the first time I spoke to someone who had been through what I was going through. It was the start of me making my plans to leave. You will feel better for telling someone and will have the knowledge you need about the practicalities of going it alone.

Ring the police and ask to be put through to the domestic violence unit and have it put on record that you did not attack him. I didn't press charges either because it meant my DC would have to give evidence in Court. This happened after I left him and it's a long story. Both DC got counselling.

You would also benefit from getting counselling for yourself if at all possible. I wouldn't recommend going to counselling with your H. Just go for yourself. You have been through a dreadful ordeal. Don't be put off posting because there are people on here who know what you are going through.

Just because he is still there does not mean you are a neglectful mother. You are a wonderful mother and you will get through this.

Oh Darling you may not last 3 years.

This sort of attack is one of the most dangerous there is.

Most men who kill their partners or children, don't actually intend to kill them at the time of the attack. They simply hit them for longer or in the wrong place or squeeze them harder than they meant to, or when they push them, their victim lands in the wrong place and sustains an injury they didn't intend to inflict. You only need one harder than intended push.

You don't need to apologise to anyone here, but you do need to think about the very serious risk you are running by accepting living with this bloke. By not phoning the police, you've given him a clear signal that he will get away with this next time - and there will be a next time. There has been no consequence for this behaviour so he will do it again because he believes he has the right to. Even a call to the police would be better than nothing. It's not too late, you can still report this.

Please call Women's Aid, you may find that you have more options than you thought you had and you don't need to put up with this for 3 years. Keep yourself safe.

Don't say sorry to us, love

Do what you have to do, but remember there are people who will help you when you most need it. Mumsnet, Women's Aid, Police, legal services

You don't have to live like this for one day longer than you feel able to

Stay in touch x

In three years you will have a seven year old. Do you really want your dcs growing up witnessing the sort of stuff that has made your DH the man he is today? Children will remember this their whole lives, he will do this again at some point, each time they will be older and more affected. Please don't waste three years of your life and theirs, make plans to leave him now.

A wonderful mother is someone who protects herself and her dc from getting killed and puts safety ahead of £/debt/appearances of being a lovey dovey happy family.

That wonderful mother needs to be YOU op. Your dc depend on you. They are totally vulnerable and need you to act.

What did they do while you were being strangled? Were they screaming and crying? Were you? Or were they casually watching tv and ignoring you both?

Do you have neighbours? Did they hear anything?

What would you do if it was your dd/s being strangled? How do you think you would feel?

How do you think your dc feel that you are not going to leave him for another 2 years?

Is living in terror normal for your toddlers?

Op you need serious help because every red warning flag is waving and you fail to see the danger.

You cannot protect your tiny vulnerable dc with the mindset you are in.

You are putting your dc and yourself in danger every minute and every day by someone who terrorises you all and who wants to kill you.

Think about how you are going to live with yourself if he killed one of your dc in a fit of anger.

op please speak to police / womens aid, even if it is just to log what has happened.
his behaviour is unacceptable,he crossed the line, apologising to you doesn't cut it, what if he hadnt of stopped, he wouldn't have been able to apologise to you then it would have been too late.
apologising doesnt mean he is sorry for what he did he will be covering his backside.

children's services will not automatically put your dc on a register, if you report it they will see that you want to keep your dc safe from harm,if you do not report it and they find out later they will question your parenting capabilities.

it may not feel like it and I think you are in shock trying to rationalise his behaviour possibly as waiting 2-3 years is too big a risk to take.
he will see it as you accepting his apology, and thus giving him the green light.
one incident you wont forget but if you leave it 2-3 years there will be more incidents and sorrys and you could be left with mental and possibly physical scars which haunt you and quite possibly worse due to the nature of what he did then where will that leave the dc?.
2-3 years is more time for him to ground you down and worse.

please get some rl support via womens aid to process what to do and whether to report, you need to think of your safety and the dc.
dont become a statistic.

it is scary but you have nothing to be ashamed of please seek wa support xx

Hey Mrs, this must be very scary to read and I've not read all the posts. Everyone here has posted to support you and your children.

My friends sister lived with a horrible, controlling, selfish, violent man. After years of abuse he held her throat tighter than before. She passed out and literally woke up knowing she had to get out. It took her a few months but she did it.
You can too x

Some of my clearest memories from growing up were my father beating my mother. She took years to leave, there just wasn't the support there then that there is now.

Please please leave OP. Debts are not important. Not compared to your safety or your childrens future.

My whole life has been affected by my fathers actions. Don't let your childrens.

Please call the Police.

You say that your dp grew up seeing dv. You risk the same for your children (and grandchildren etc). Please break the cycle.

Sending strength. Police and Women's Aid.

Hi op

Why is it you need to wait 2-3 years to leave. It seems like such a longtime and a risk to wait, not to mention a waste of a few years.

Is it because that is when you will be able to go back to work without needing childcare? Or will the debts be paid off by then? Is there another reason?

Maybe you could share these reasons and other posters could help with some solutions

oh OP your post makes me feel so sad. It's because you say:
'you are really disappointed in yourself....'
'I'm sorry I'm not brave enough....'
'I can't see him improving...'

Please don't make yourself feel any worse, I am sure you are feeling pretty low as it is after what you've been through. Just one thing, don't feel alone because you are not alone. There are (sadly) loads of women who have experienced this (and are still going through it). The advice on MN is spot on.

Loads of us who have left (and with the benefit of hindsight) wish we had done it sooner so we only want the best, happiest and safest outcome for you. But I know how easy it is to feel paralysed into doing nothing when you are in this situation. If you simply can't bring yourself to phone the police, would you at least speak to WA? Debts are the least of your worries here, truly. Do take care.

Debts mean nothing. Your life does. Call women's aid or go on line. Forget the material stuff that can be sorted later. Think of the women you read about. That could be you if you don't leave. He will do it again. So sorry xxxx

Please, please pay attention to what people are saying, OP, look at the damage living with domestic violence has done to your husband, do you want your children to be damaged in the same way?