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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

H has just held me down by the throat

133 replies

mrsdoubtfiresspecs · 05/04/2014 15:48

Scared. Everything's in my name in including debt. We have 2 dc. I have no where to turn. What should I do?

OP posts:
cloggal · 05/04/2014 17:43

Definitely call the police. In the meantime keep talking, there are posters here with experience who can help.

whitesugar · 05/04/2014 17:43

OP only you can decide what to do. Its a bit rich of me to advise you to call the police when I didn't for about 3 years. If you simply can't do it just focus on getting through today. You can report it some other time. Keep your chin up and don't be scared to keep posting regardless of whether you decide to ring the police or not. You are in a situation that lots of us have been through and most people will not judge you. We understand precisely what you are going through probably even more than you do yourself. You may seem alone but you are not. There are plenty of women going through what you are going through, more than you would ever realise. I still think you should call the police but don't want to frighten you away from MN support.

littlewhitebag · 05/04/2014 18:21

I am a SW and i can tell you that your children are more likely to end up on the CP register if you do nothing. If you take action you will be seen to be protecting your children. Call the police and call Woman's Aid. They will help you if you want to flee. Don't worry about the debts that can be sorted out when you and the DC are safe.

Thebluedog · 05/04/2014 18:25

The same thing happened to me 3 weeks ago and I called the police!

It was the best thing I could have done. I was not having my children think domestic violence is acceptable.

The police did inform social services, but they now protect me and my DC's, they saw me phoning the police as protecting my children and putting their welfare first, rather than covering for a violent man. They've had him sign a contract to say he won't come near the house until their investigations are complete which has given me some well needed security and peace.

Phone the police now! Them and ss will protect you and help you, not take your DCs away!

Flumpyflumps · 05/04/2014 18:48

Any update OP? Are you and the DC safe?

AskBasil · 05/04/2014 19:01

Please call the police.

If he's still angry he could kick off again tonight and do it again and this time he could kill you. Or he could get angry with you next week and kill you, probably by accident, but that won't help you or your children.

You are just not safe with him in the house. It's too big a risk.

Even if it's the first time he's ever used physical violence against you it needs to be treated with the utmost seriousness because there is a huge correlation between this kind of attack and men who kill their female partners

Don't underestimate how much danger he poses to you and your children, you will never be safe with him under your roof.

NewGirlInTown · 05/04/2014 20:48

God, I hope the OP is safe. What is wrong with these men? I am baffled by the amount of violence shown to the women they profess to love.

DumbleDee · 05/04/2014 20:53

Also - if the Police do come, and for whatever reason you stay in the relationship or he leaves but tries to attack you again, the police will DV flag your address, so if you have to call again they know the history and it's an immediate priority call. (Is in GMP anyway)

waltermittymissus · 05/04/2014 20:58

Where is your dsis? Can you call her to come over?

At the very least you need to get him out or get yourself and the children out.

I would call the police however if you're not ready to do that now you need to get safe. Then call WA.

If you won't call 999 please, please call 101 and have this incident logged. You must do this because if and hopefully when(!) you do split it's important that the relevant people know his voilent tendancies in terms of access to the children.

Finances and housing can be sorted. But not if you're dead.

Joysmum · 05/04/2014 21:00

In a previous post you said the children are with you so they are safe.

What a telling sentiment that is. You shouldn't need to say they are safe because they aren't with him. If you need to think that, you need to get yourselves away from dagee ASAP. You owe it to yourself and your kids to get away.

MaxsMummy2012 · 05/04/2014 21:16

Thinking of you OP, hope you and your children are ok and safe. X

dramajustfollowsme · 06/04/2014 02:57

I hope you haven't returned to the thread because you are too busy dealing with the police/getting him kicked out.
You don't think he would kill you but he quite easily have already done it. He held you down by the neck for a few seconds. That could have quite easily been enough to kill you. He cannot control himself.
I'm praying you and your DCs are safe and sleeping, faraway from him.

overthemill · 06/04/2014 08:17

Are you ok? Please make sure you are safe

Missesbumble · 06/04/2014 08:54

I hope you and the DC's are ok and safe OP. This may be a one off, he may not do it again but you still need to get the incident logged. I never thought my xp would kill me but I also never thought he would hurt me in any way either. Sadly, you just never know what anyone is capable of. So just incase you do think this is a one off and will never happen again (as I did) this is my story;

My Xp was sometimes moody/grumpy he occasionally punched doors etc in anger but never lifted a finger to me. We split up because of it, he would cry and beg and swear never to do it again, I took him back but it continued. It wasn't frequent but it still wasn't nice.

One time we split and I went out for the evening with a girlfriend of mine, it got late so I decided to stay over at hers for the night. Unbeknown to me xp had broke in my home, switched the electric off at the mains and waited for me to return home. Who knows what he had planned?

I still took him back after that after his pleas. He was good at getting under my skin and making me believe him. One night we were out together and he accused me of flirting with my bf's fella and pinned me against a wall by my throat. I ran in fear when a passer by pulled him off me. In all the confusion he managed to get home before me and hid I had no idea he was home when I arrived and I locked/bolted all the doors so he couldn't get in. I kept all the lights off incase he arrived back home so he wouldn't know I was there. I went to the bathroom and when I came out he was stood there with a knife, he put it against my throat and threatend to kill me & then himself. I somehow managed to get back in the bathroom, lock the door and stayed there for hours till I knew he was a sleep. I fled as soon as I could and got to a neighbours house.

That was the final straw and I never saw him again, I got an injunction against him and all the locks changed. I don't know what he was capable of in the end but that was what he called loving me. I never imagined in a million years he could do any of that, you just don't know.

Please please take heed and think of yours and your DC's safety Thanks

43percentburnt · 06/04/2014 08:55

Op call the police.

When you divorce this man will have unsupervised contact with your kids. He will exercise his 'right' to see them and you will have little say.

Get this incident on record NOW to protect your kids from witnessing him strangle his next girlfriend when they are older and you cannot do anything about it.

He will minimise, give you sobs stories, blame you, his childhood, his stressful job. He put his hands round your throat - please leave, this is not normal behaviour, you deserve better.

isitme1 · 06/04/2014 09:03

Has op been back?

43percentburnt · 06/04/2014 09:06

Missesbumble that's awful. It shows how behaviour escalates.

I should have dumped a boyfriend who told me he threw something at his ex. I was 17 at the time, he was mid 20's. I left in my late 20's after he tried to strangle me. He was from a normal middle class family. I told them about his behaviour I don't think they ever believed me, even after they saw things he had smashed up. I fear for his new girlfriends safety, I asked the police in her town to put my incidents on their database so she is believed just in case.

Everything is minimised, done to show how much they love you or how much you frustrate them.

DV should be on the national curriculum.

43percentburnt · 06/04/2014 09:08

I really hope she is at a friends house or has called the police.

5feralloinfruits · 06/04/2014 10:39

Any update op?

Original poster
mrsdoubtfiresspecs · 06/04/2014 16:48

Hi
I'm really disappointed in myself that I haven't left H or asked him to leave. I just can't bring myself to do it.

He went to bed at 8 last night which is very unusual as he likes to stay up late watching tv normally or read whilst in the bath.

He apologised before he went to bed last night & then again this morning & said he knows what he did was totally out of order & very, very wrong.

I told him I'm not so naive, how I thought he'd have wanted better for the dc after having such a shitty upbringing himself & I won't allow him to spoil our dc/family by bringing dv into our lives, so next (if there is a next time - hopefully not) I'm off .

What H doesn't know is that I'm planning on leaving him in 2-3 years time anyway. I can't see him improving his overall attitude tbh. My dc having their dp split is not what I wanted in life but I guess I need to get over that.

Thank you to all who have posted & shared their stories
I'm sorry I'm not brave enough to kick him out.

OP posts:
LavenderGreen14 · 06/04/2014 17:01

Why are you planning to do it in 2-3 years time and not now. I think it is sad that you feel so stuck when you are clearly so unhappy. Would you contact Women's Aid for some advice at least?

LaurieFairyCake · 06/04/2014 17:05

Your children don't need to see this abuse for the next 2-3 years.

In fact there's no justification for it.

mammadiggingdeep · 06/04/2014 17:11

You better hope you live through the next time then, if that's when you plan to leave.

:( sorry to be harsh but no fucker should be pinning you down by the throat. What if you don't live to tell the tale and your dc's are left without you?????

Years ago I taught a child who was very withdrawn. I kick myself now but obviously there was dc at home and that's what made him sullen/tearful/ withdrawn. The mother ended up being fatally stabbed by her oh one half term holiday while the child and sibling were upstairs. Horrific. Sure she had done vague idea of a future escape in mind too.

Seriously- I know you can only do it then you're ready but please realise the seriousness of this.

DrankSangriaInThePark · 06/04/2014 17:11

You do know that yesterday might have been the first time, but won't be the last?

That it will become more and more frequent?

That your children will begin to walk on eggshells if they aren't already? Because Daddy always gets mad and shouts at Mummy?

Don't allow him to use the excuse of a shitty upbringing. Many MNers have had the shittiest upbringings you could possibly imagine and they don't go round commiting violence on their partners. On the contrary, they make damn sure that violence is not a part of their lives.

It's become part of yours, and your children's.

So what are you going to do about it? Because that 3 years will be up, the kids will have seen fuck knows how many thumpings. They'll think that's the normal way people behave towards each other, because it's how their main reference points, Mum and Dad behave. Is that what you want?

Time for some tough love, love.

mammadiggingdeep · 06/04/2014 17:12
  • DV at home not dc....