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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

H has just held me down by the throat

133 replies

mrsdoubtfiresspecs · 05/04/2014 15:48

Scared. Everything's in my name in including debt. We have 2 dc. I have no where to turn. What should I do?

OP posts:
onetiredmummy · 05/04/2014 16:14

Debt can be dealt with easily enough. If its under £15k then it's a question of payment plans, if its over £15k then there are still options for you. You do not need to stay in a relationship because of the debt. It will not ruin your life.

An abusive relationship is more serious than any amount of debt. I add my voice to the call the police comments.

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob · 05/04/2014 16:18

Call the police, now.

Original poster
mrsdoubtfiresspecs · 05/04/2014 16:18

He's had problems with work in the past through intimidating behaviour.

He's been knocking at the door to ask me to look at the blind as he says he put it up wonky.

OP posts:
BobaFetaCheese · 05/04/2014 16:22

Call the police.

If the children saw chances are they'll tell someone at school and the police might get involved anyway.

onetiredmummy · 05/04/2014 16:24

How did the children seem? How old are they?

LavenderGreen14 · 05/04/2014 16:25

you need to get the police now - you and your children are not safe with him in the house. Holding you by the throat is a huge red flag and they will take it very seriously.

Original poster
mrsdoubtfiresspecs · 05/04/2014 16:25

He's very volatile. Gets cross at the slightest thing. He comes from a broken background -ie. his dp's were/arealcoholics & there was often extreme dv. I don't know why I married him tbh reading that back.

He's walking around downstairs swearing. The dc have come upstairs & are in my bedroom with me, so they're safe. H is a prick. I hate him.

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsdoubtfiresspecs · 05/04/2014 16:27

The dc are fine. Both have colds, so have been a bit whiney today, but otherwise ok. They're 2 & 4.

OP posts:
Lweji · 05/04/2014 16:29

Call the police now.
When they come, if they don't arrest him, use their presence to leave with the children.

Regardless of what you do now, you do have to leave safely. WA can help. NCDV can get you a fast free injunction.
Your children cannot witness this. You could have been killed.

LavenderGreen14 · 05/04/2014 16:29

Will you call 999? He sounds like he may kick off again. You need to be safe. Anything else can be dealt with later. You need to protect your children from him too. Extreme DV in his childhood, now in your children's childhood. Are you going to break that cycle and stop him now? You need to show your children he is wrong and stop them believing that is how they can behave when they grow up too.

happyhev · 05/04/2014 16:29

Please call the police, if not for your sake ten for your children's sake.

NotQuiteSoOnEdge · 05/04/2014 16:29

So he's not asking if you are ok?

He doesn't think he's done anything wrong. He's acting normal so that anything you do will be made out to be an over-reaction. If you ask him 'how could you do that', he will either deny or minimise (it was only...., it was your fault because ......)

This is Classic domestic abuse.

Calling the Police now will be far and away the best step, by a million miles. I didn't have MN when this moment came in my life. Not calling the police was a huge mistake. I wanted it all to go away and not be real.

It is real. It will escalate, it always does. You will give him the Green light to act like this again unless you make a stand now.

What he did was VERY WRONG.

Call the Police.

Ithinkwerealonenow · 05/04/2014 16:29

Call the police.

Call it an early prompt for divorce.

I understand you are in shock, and your mind is running away from the issue in hand, but you have children there. Call the police, keep them safe, keep you safe for them.

losinmimarbles · 05/04/2014 16:32

You must call the police. I know this is scary,.but if you don't report it now it could be a regret in the future. You will need every last bit of proof when it comessage to protecting your kids and divorcing him. Plus most importantly, you need help asap . OI've been in refuge and when you go in they do an assessment , if someone has put their hands round your throat they have to do a special marc assessment which basically is because that type of assault greatly increases chances of murder. I'm so sorry only, keep posting . Protect your kids and you do it now.

DeriArms · 05/04/2014 16:35

Another poster here saying CALL THE POLICE as soon as you can and then call Women's Aid. PLEASE, for god's sake, don't let your fears about Children's Services prevent you from keeping them, and you, safe. Please take it from a children's social worker, not acting is far, far more concerning than taking the right action and you will be offered support.
Good luck Mrs Doubtfire and be strong x

AnnieLobeseder · 05/04/2014 16:35

A close friend has just gone through this, she called the police who arrested her H and he was bailed to him mum's house. He cannot come near their home until the end of the month, which is giving her much needed time to get everything in order to make a clean break from him.

Don't worry about SS. You need to protect your children and yourself in the here and now.

Please call the police.

onetiredmummy · 05/04/2014 16:35

Hope you're OK OP.

He's either - walking around swearing because he knows he made a huge mistake & is shitting himself (but why isn't he apologising & asking you if you are OK).

  • He's already persuading himself that this is your fault & you are a stupid woman who he has to deal with.

  • He is planning how to get you out of the bathroom.

Put everything out of your mind except your & the kids safety. is the house yours, in your name or is it joint? (if its yours then the police can make him leave)

dragonsandfairies · 05/04/2014 16:39

call the police xx

yegodsandlittlefishes · 05/04/2014 16:40

OP, please call the police and get this logged. It is your H who will get on register and children get safeguarding which is what they need. Don't expect to deal with all this on your own. Safeguarding is there to support your children and help you keep them safe, it is not a criticism of you.

NotQuiteSoOnEdge · 05/04/2014 16:44

I remember sitting trying to find the courage to call the Police.

The feeling of fear was overwhelming. And the fear you SHOULD have of your H isn't really there, because you've been slowly taken to a place where the shock of an action like this by him has been lost, because he has been setting you up to think this is normal.

I only did it because a friend said 'I wouldn't normally tell you what to do. But you have to do this. Stop thinking, stop trying to justify it either way. Just hang up the phone, take a deep breath, and call them immediately.'

And all these MNetters are here, and we are saying the same thing.

Just do it. Call 999. Tell them what he did, that you are trapped upstairs with the DC and he is angrily swearing downstairs, and they will come.

AnnabelleDarling · 05/04/2014 16:45

Another voice to say call the police. What if he does this again tonight. You shouldn't have to live your life worrying when he's going to lose his temper again and neither should your dc

Be brave, take a deep breath and call them.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 05/04/2014 16:45

Sorry OP that this should have happened. He crossed a line now deep breath, pick up the phone and call 999.

ShakesBootyFlabWobbles · 05/04/2014 16:46

He grabbed you by the throat with force. You cannot minimise this. Please call the police, you are all in danger. Break the cycle, you don't want your children to turn into this. Your husband knows how awful his childhood was and this should have made him determined to give his children better. He hasn't made that choice.

Please call the police.

Original poster
mrsdoubtfiresspecs · 05/04/2014 16:48

I don't think he would kill me. My dsis (my only relative here) has witnessed him being aggressive to me. I can't believe I've put myself into this situation. I'm going to have a few minutes to think about calling the police/packing our/his stuff up.

OP posts:
IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 05/04/2014 16:49

I know it's a huge scary step but you really do need to call the police right away

I know you're worried about ss, but if the children tell anyone then they will find out anyway and you will look like you aren't protecting them. By reporting it you are proving yourself to be a good parent who ensures the dc safety, that can only be for the good

If you divorce then you will need this to be on the record, if you report this now there will be no denying it later on and you will be in a better position to protect yourself and your children

He's done a terrible thing and I know you probably just want to bury your head in the sand but you need to act now. He did it in front of the children which means they are in danger now as well as you, you must keep them and you safe

I'm so sorry this is happening to you x